Lunchtime Chronicles: Honey Dripper

by L. Loren

  She wrote under a pen name, and her avatar gave nothing away about her likeness. I had no idea of her ethnicity or her age. She wrote the best interracial romance books featuring white heroes and black heroines. I couldn’t get enough of those steamy books. In fact, this was the third time I had read this one, and I could see myself diving back in for a fourth round.

  Glancing at the clock on my bedside table, the red digital display screamed 3AM. What the hell? I guess the book was better than I thought. I tightened the scarf that was wrapped around my hair before turning off the lamp and sliding down into my bamboo sheets. Soft. I snuggled under my weighted blanket and drifted off to sleep.

  It seemed no sooner than my head hit the pillow did my alarm go off, 6AM was tap dancing on my brain like Gregory Hines in White Nights. I have got to do better getting my sleep. Dragging my ass to the kitchen, I pulled down my ‘Fresh Out of Fucks’ coffee mug. This would surely be my mood for the day. I popped the pod into my machine and pressed the button with the full coffee mug on it. The machine came to life, hissing and sucking the water from the reservoir tank. I savored the potent smell with a slight smile rising on my face. After adding a splash of caramel creamer and a tablespoon of sugar, I took a sip of the concoction.

  Ouch! Hot, hot, hot. I burned my tongue again. It was a daily occurrence. My mornings were like living in a loop. I woke, made coffee in my sassy mug, and burned my mouth. Fanning my lips with my hand, I made my way to the bathroom to shower, groom, and dress for work.

  “BITCH, I KNOW YOU’RE lying!” I called out into the quiet office, apparently alarming my coworkers and myself.

  My work BFF, Deirdra, stood up and peeked over the dusty walls of her cubicle, that sat adjacent to mine, to see what was going on. I knew outbursts like that did not happen at Ariel Industries, but I couldn’t help myself. With her ever-present coffee mug glued to her hand, she leaned over the partition so I could hear her whispers.

  “Girl, what happened?”

  “You wouldn’t believe me if I told you!” I exclaimed, still not lowering my voice.

  My body buzzed like a worker bee taking care of his queen. I spied Deirdra looking around to see if we were attracting attention. I smirked as she drew her well-manicured index finger to her mouth to shush me. The fingernails on her left hand distracted my train of thought. I could never get over the fact that old girl had six-inch claws on one hand. She kept the right one trimmed because she said she had to make sure her ass was clean when she wiped. I swear she kept me in stitches.

  “What I believe is that we both are going to be in the unemployment line if you don’t shut the fuck up. Damn, Ruby, you know Andi be on that next level shit. That bitch is just waiting for us to fuck up so she can replace us with her raggedy ass friends.”

  I rolled my eyes, but Deirdra was right. Our boss, Andi, was hell on wheels. That woman stomped around this office like she was the Gestapo. We called her the Bone Collector because if she ever tapped you on the shoulder and took you into her office, you were never seen nor heard from again. I lowered my voice and whispered loud enough that only Dee could hear me.

  “I was just on Messy Mandy’s page, and, girl, she just broke the news that Samantha Moans has signed a huge contract with a top publishing house!!!”

  “Okay and that’s enough to get your ass fired over? Please. That woman has a job. A very lucrative one, according to the queen of gab. You better be stacking your cash instead of counting Samantha’s coins. I can guarantee, she’s not worried about you and where your next mortgage payment is coming from. As long as you keep doling out that $25 a pop to read her next book, she’ll be happy, and you’ll be in the poor house.”

  “Damn, why do you always have to rain on my parade? Can’t I be happy that my favorite author is on the come up? What happened to sisters supporting sisters?”

  “When she supports me, then I will support her back. It’s simple math.”

  “That’s not how I see it at all. She provides a service, so she deserves to get paid for her hard work. I believe in paying people for their time and effort. Trust and believe, if Andi stopped handing out paychecks bi-weekly, your ass would not be up in here taking her shit on the daily. If I enjoy reading the words, I don’t mind paying for that privilege.”

  “Yea, and your ass still goes home to an empty house at night.”

  “My home may be empty, but I am never alone as long as Connor, Beckmann, Ace, and Whiskey are waiting for me.”

  “Bitch, please. Your little book boyfriends can’t keep you warm at night. That’s why I bought you the weighted blanket for your birthday. Real talk, Ruby, you need to get out and meet some real men! I know it was hard for you after Gene’s death, but, sweetie, it’s been four years. I’m sure Miss Kitty feels like she is in the witness protection program.”

  After shaking my head and shooting Dee the bird, I returned to my seat before Andi really did walk up on us and decide to tap, tap, tap on my shoulder. I couldn’t afford to be out of work. I had book boyfriends to support. Lifting my iPhone™ from my hiding spot on my desk, I logged back onto my favorite gossip site.

  According to The Lunchtime Dish, Samantha Moans was the latest author to sign a multi-million- dollar deal. The real tea was that Moans was planning a surprise release of her latest book, Honey Dripper. Mandy was the shit. She even had the exclusive on the book cover. No one had seen it yet and being a part of her Only Fans account gave me access to information others wouldn’t have until days, sometimes weeks later. After securing all the hot tea, I attempted to log into the link posted on Mandy’s page so I could pre-order my fave’s latest book. The damn link didn’t work.

  I stood up looking around to see if I was living in the twilight zone. What was happening? Everybody knew Mandy’s info was solid. Why wasn’t this damn link working? Ugggh! I had to have this book. If I had to hunt one down and knock some old hag in the head, I was getting that book. Okay, that was a bit extreme, but I had to have Honey Dripper. There was no way my favorite author was releasing a new book and I wasn’t getting the paperback copy on release day. That shit just didn’t happen. Not on my watch.

  Ignoring the stacks of files on my desk of people needing me to resolve their real estate issues, I went about calling every bookstore in the area to see if they had my book. According to Mandy’s page, specific bookstores in select cities were given a certain number of books to sell during this flash period. After they were sold out, the general public would have to wait another month before the actual release day! I couldn’t let that happen. Well, I wasn’t general, nor was I the cockadoodie public. I was the biggest fan this writer had ever had. Wait a minute, that sounded a little Annie Wilkes™. But that’s exactly how I was feeling. Like, if I didn’t get this book, ankles would roll.

  “Thank you for calling B&N Books, how may I help you today?”

  “Yes, I need to know if you have any copies of Honey Dripper by Samantha Moans.”

  I held my breath waiting for the clerk to respond. Say you have it.

  “I’m sorry, ma’am. Somehow it leaked online that the book was having a flash release and the book sold out in minutes. I can put you on the wait list for the actual release day next month if you would like.”

  “How in the world did the book sell out already? Mandy just posted the notice 20 minutes ago!”

  I tried to control my anger, but the bile rising in my throat caused me to sound as if I was about to strangle someone.

  “Just like you said. Twenty minutes is a long time when it comes to Samantha Moans. She is the hottest ticket in town. I doubt you’ll be able to find a copy. Was there anything else I can do for you?”

  “No, thank you.”

  “Good luck and have a nice day.”

  “Yea, you too,” I sarcastically spewed through the phone.

  That little witch. I can’t believe she had the audacity to tell me to have a nice day after crushing my hopes. Well, she didn’t know me. I was persistent, and I would find my b
ook. I must have called every damn store in Jacksonville, St. Augustine, all the way up and down the coast. Not even the stores in St. Mary’s, GA had any copies. I was just about to pull my hair out when I remembered this flier I had found on my windshield the other day. It was a small mom and pop style bookstore out in Orange Park that had recently opened. I believe the paper said it had relocated from a location in Jax. They were my last hope.

  I frantically searched my purse for the purple piece of hope and finally snagged it at the bottom of my bag under my lipstick and pack of gum. I popped a piece of gum in my mouth before retrieving the flier. Librarian Reads. Huh, cute name. I quickly dialed the number, tapping my foot as I waited for the automated voice to complete its greeting. Come on. Answer. Come on.

  “Thank you for calling Librarian Reads where books are life. This is Topaz. How may I help you?”

  “Topaz, please save my life and tell me you have a copy of Samantha Moans’ latest book, Honey Dripper.”

  My heart was beating out of my chest while I waited for her response. It seemed like the pause between my last word and her next was about ten hours, but really it was only a few seconds. Just long enough for her brain to process what I had said and then formulate a response. I chewed on the end of my pen until the poor thing was crushed. If I dropped it on the floor, it would take someone thirty minutes to identify what it was.

  “Wow, no pressure. Give me just a moment and let me check.”

  The theme music from Jeopardy started playing in my head. da da da da da DA dadadada.... The waiting was killing me!!! What was this girl doing? My stomach lurched as I heard her come back on the line.

  “Thank you for holding, ma’am. It seems we have one copy left. Would you like me to hold it for you?”

  Oh happy day! I leapt from my chair doing a little happy dance in my cubicle, not caring who saw me. My phone fell on top of the desk, causing it to clank loudly. Heads started popping up around the office. It looked like I was in an interactive video game of whack a mole. I chuckled as I held my hand up letting everyone know all was good, and then I sat my happy ass down to talk with Topaz again.

  “Topaz, I will dance at your wedding if you save that book for me.”

  “No problem, ma’am. However, I can only hold it for the next two hours. It is a hot item, and my boss would kill if I miss a sale.”

  “I’ll be there! Do you need my name or my credit card information to hold it?”

  The woman giggled, causing me to stop celebrating. What the hell was so funny?

  “Duh, I apologize. I forgot to ask your name. I need that to hold it, but your credit card is not necessary.”

  “My name is Ruby Meyers, and I am on my way. Thank you so much!”

  I hung up the phone, grinning from ear to ear as I collected my purse from my bottom desk drawer. The digital display in the corner of my computer screen said 10:54 AM May 02. It was almost lunchtime, and I intended to beat all speeding laws to get to Orange Park and back in an hour. I preferred to take an early lunch because less traffic! Just as I was walking toward the exit, I heard my name.

  “Ruby, can I see you for a minute? I know you’re headed to lunch, but this will only take a second.”

  I rolled my eyes and let out a long deep breath that I had been holding. It never failed. Whenever I was trying to leave for lunch, Andi had a ‘little’ request that she claimed would only take a second, but always ended up taking at least 30 minutes. I swear for God, if this bitch causes me to lose out on this book, I was going to slash her tires. I plastered on the fake ass smile I always used when dealing with her and marched into her office.

  “Hey, Andi, I am kind of in a rush. I have an errand that is time sensitive. So, would it be alright if I take care of this after lunch?”

  “Sorry, but your errand will have to wait. I need to get this done so I can leave early. I am taking half a day today and won’t be back in the office until Monday. That’s why I needed to speak with you. I have a few cases that need special attention and I want you to handle them.”

  She lifted the left side of her unibrow at me expectantly. I frowned before I could help it. My resolve was breaking down, and I felt like David Banner trying to suppress the Hulk™. I’m sure I was making all sorts of faces. That was one of the things I needed to master. Some people wore their heart on their sleeve, well, I wore my feelings on my face. There was never a need to ask how I was doing. All you had to do was look at me for your answer.

  I reached my hand out to receive the file folder she was handing me. Our office had gone paperless over a year ago, but this woman refused to comply. She was always printing shit out for us instead of simply emailing it. Everyone in the office had company issued tablets and access to Wi-Fi throughout the building. There was no reason to print anything out. I tried my best not to scowl at her as she explained the workload she was piling on my already overflowing plate.

  “This first account has been ongoing for over a year. The client, Mr. Lemon, is getting very antsy and wants it resolved right away. Apparently, it has to do with racial discrimination. I thought you would be the best person to take over the account. The last agent was unable to get anything resolved.”

  Usually, I would be offended by such a statement, but I had made a name for myself around the office for being able to resolve discrimination cases. In this instance, Andi wasn’t necessarily being a racist troll, but she had her days where she could just be offensive and insensitive. I can’t count how many times people have complained on her to HR, but nothing ever happened to her. There were rumors that she was related to someone high up in the company because at any other company, she would have been out on her ass a long time ago.

  Three

  Ruby

  It had taken over an hour for the wicked witch to finish her list of demands for me. By the time I dropped everything off on my desk it only left me 45 minutes to get all the way across town. Lunch hour around here was in full effect, and it would take me at least 15 minutes to get out of the damn parking lot and onto the interstate. I rushed to the stairwell, too afraid to walk past Andi’s office again for fear that she had forgotten something. Plus, the elevator in this place was slow as molasses. I ran down three flights of stairs and headed to my car so fast my head was spinning, I really needed to stop and get something to eat, but I had no time.

  I drove like a maniac to get to the store only to find myself stuck in traffic. I was barely about five minutes away and had made good time getting to this side of town. It was all for naught because by the time I made it to the front door of the bookstore, it was already 1:15 PM. Having trouble trying to find a parking space, I waited very impatiently for this elderly lady to amble her way out of the bookstore and into her Lincoln. She had a helmet of white hair that was held down by a whole can of hairspray. I’ll say this though, she was stepping in her heels. The woman was dressed to the nines and wearing the latest Jimmy Choos™ on her veiny feet. The car was way too big for her to be driving. She could barely see over the steering wheel. By the time she managed to back up, then pull forward and then back up again, it was 1:25 PM.

  “Please don’t let my book be gone!” I begged God as if he answered petty prayers.

  Rushing into the parking spot, I almost tore my car door off the hinges as I swung it open and hopped out. My poor baby. I would have to love on Jaggy after I got my book. Maybe a full-service car wash and wax would help her to forgive me. My Manolos carried me into the quaint little store. Cute! I needed to come back when I had more time to explore. As I hustled to the counter, my foot slid on a piece of paper, and I almost busted my ass. Righting myself before anyone could see, I looked around to find I was in the clear. The store had a few people hanging around, but no one had been looking at me. Thank goodness.

  “Hi! Welcome to Librarian Reads. How may I help you?”

  The cheerful cashier spoke with the same enthusiasm as the young lady I had talked to over the phone. The name tag dangling from her lapel confirme
d her to be Topaz. Great! I wouldn’t need to explain myself.

  “Hi! My name is Ruby Meyers, and I am here to schedule a dance at your wedding.”

  The clerk chuckled, but then a shadow crossed her face. Oh, hell naw. Please don’t tell me you sold my book. My palms started sweating, and I couldn’t stand still. Why was she just standing there looking at me with that stupid expression on her face?

  “Miss Meyers, I apologize, but like I told you over the phone, I could only hold the book for two hours. When you didn’t show up by one o’clock, I had to put it back on the shelf for sale. I am so sorry, but I just sold that book to one of our regular customers.”

  She avoided making eye contact as I gave her my best death stare. My mind was racing. It could not compute what this woman had just said to me. I struggled to breathe. Sweat beads popped on my forehead and I never sweated. Well, unless I was exercising and that was rare. I blinked my eyes about a million times, trying to get my vision back in order.

  “I’m sorry. I must have been hallucinating. Did you just say you sold the book that I came all the way across town to get? The very same book that I spent all morning calling around to every store in the area to find the last copy available? I know good and god damn well you are lying. If you don’t stop playing with me and give me my book, you are going to see another side of me.”

  The woman blanched, her face a bright shade of crimson. She stared at me with huge green eyes. When she reached up to brush away the red tress that fell in her eye, I noticed her hands were shaking.

  “Miss Meyers, I don’t know what to say. I didn’t think you were coming, and Mrs. Jacobs came in asking for it. I waited fifteen minutes before I sold it to her.”

  My brain exploded. I know this trick did not sell my book to that no driving little old lady that just left out of the store before I got here.

  “What the hell is that old woman going to do with a book called Honey Dripper? Her honey’s been dried up. Damn! I tell you what, you are going to get your raggedy ass on the phone and find me a book. NOW!”