Welcome to the Monkey House: The Special Edition

by Kurt Vonnegut,Gregory D. Sumner

  When the coughing died down, Nancy said loathingly through the blanket, “You’re so strong, so masterful, so healthy. It must be wonderful to be so manly.”

  Billy only sighed at this.

  “I’m not a very typical nothinghead,” she said. “I hated it—hated everything about it.”

  Billy sniffed, turned a page.

  “I suppose all the other women just loved it—couldn’t get enough of it.”

  “Nope.”

  She uncovered her face. “What do you mean, ‘Nope’?”

  “They’ve all been like you.”

  This was enough to make Nancy sit up and stare at him. “The women who helped you tonight——”

  “What about them?”

  “You’ve done to them what you did to me?”

  He didn’t look up from his book. “That’s right.”

  “Then why don’t they kill you instead of helping you?”

  “Because they understand.” And then he added mildly, “They’re grateful.”

  Nancy got out of bed, came to the table, gripped the edge of the table, leaned close to him. And she said to him tautly, “I am not grateful.”

  “You will be.”

  “And what could possibly bring about that miracle?”

  “Time,” said Billy.

  Billy closed his book, stood up. Nancy was confused by his magnetism. Somehow he was very much in charge again.

  “What you’ve been through, Nancy,” he said, “is a typical wedding night for a strait-laced girl of a hundred years ago, when everybody was a nothinghead. The groom did without helpers, because the bride wasn’t customarily ready to kill him. Otherwise, the spirit of the occasion was much the same. These are the pajamas my great-great-grandfather wore on his wedding night in Niagara Falls.

  “According to his diary, his bride cried all that night, and threw up twice. But, with the passage of time, she became a sexual enthusiast.”

  It was Nancy’s turn to reply by not replying. She understood the tale. It frightened her to understand so easily that, from gruesome beginnings, sexual enthusiasm could grow and grow.

  “You’re a very typical nothinghead,” said Billy. “If you dare to think about it now, you’ll realize that you’re angry because I’m such a bad lover, and a funny-looking shrimp besides. And what you can’t help dreaming about from now on is a really suitable mate for a Juno like yourself.

  “You’ll find him, too—tall and strong and gentle. The nothinghead movement is growing by leaps and bounds.”

  “But—” said Nancy, and she stopped there. She looked out a porthole at the rising sun.

  “But what?”

  “The world is in the mess it is today because of the nothingheadedness of olden times. Don’t you see?” She was pleading weakly. “The world can’t afford sex anymore.”

  “Of course it can afford sex,” said Billy. “All it can’t afford anymore is reproduction.”

  “Then why the laws?”

  “They’re bad laws,” said Billy. “If you go back through history, you’ll find that the people who have been most eager to rule, to make the laws, to enforce the laws and to tell everybody exactly how God Almighty wants things here on Earth—those people have forgiven themselves and their friends for anything and everything. But they have been absolutely disgusted and terrified by the natural sexuality of common men and women.

  “Why this is, I do not know. That is one of the many questions I wish somebody would ask the machines. I do know this: The triumph of that sort of disgust and terror is now complete. Almost every man and woman looks and feels like something the cat dragged in. The only sexual beauty that an ordinary human being can see today is in the woman who will kill him. Sex is death. There’s a short and nasty equation for you: ‘Sex is death. Q. E. D.’

  “So you see, Nancy,” said Billy, “I have spent this night, and many others like it, attempting to restore a certain amount of innocent pleasure to the world, which is poorer in pleasure than it needs to be.”

  Nancy sat down quietly and bowed her head.

  “I’ll tell you what my grandfather did on the dawn of his wedding night,” said Billy.

  “I don’t think I want to hear it.”

  “It isn’t violent. It’s—it’s meant to be tender.”

  “Maybe that’s why I don’t want to hear it.”

  “He read his bride a poem.” Billy took the book from the table, opened it. “His diary tells which poem it was. While we aren’t bride and groom, and while we may not meet again for many years, I’d like to read this poem to you, to have you know I’ve loved you.”

  “Please—no. I couldn’t stand it.”

  “All right, I’ll leave the book here, with the place marked, in case you want to read it later. It’s the poem beginning:

  How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.

  I love thee to the depth and breadth and height

  My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight

  For the ends of Being and ideal Grace.”

  Billy put a small bottle on top of the book. “I am also leaving you these pills. If you take one a month, you will never have children. And still you’ll be a nothinghead.”

  And he left. And they all left but Nancy.

  When Nancy raised her eyes at last to the book and bottle, she saw that there was a label on the bottle. What the label said was this: WELCOME TO THE MONKEY HOUSE.

  (1968)

  LONG WALK TO FOREVER

  THEY HAD GROWN UP next door to each other, on the fringe of a city, near fields and woods and orchards, within sight of a lovely bell tower that belonged to a school for the blind.

  Now they were twenty, had not seen each other for nearly a year. There had always been playful, comfortable warmth between them, but never any talk of love.

  His name was Newt. Her name was Catharine. In the early afternoon, Newt knocked on Catharine’s front door.

  Catharine came to the door. She was carrying a fat, glossy magazine she had been reading. The magazine was devoted entirely to brides. “Newt!” she said. She was surprised to see him.

  “Could you come for a walk?” he said. He was a shy person, even with Catharine. He covered his shyness by speaking absently, as though what really concerned him were far away—as though he were a secret agent pausing briefly on a mission between beautiful, distant, and sinister points. This manner of speaking had always been Newt’s style, even in matters that concerned him desperately.

  “A walk?” said Catharine.

  “One foot in front of the other,” said Newt, “through leaves, over bridges——”

  “I had no idea you were in town,” she said.

  “Just this minute got in,” he said.

  “Still in the Army, I see,” she said.

  “Seven more months to go,” he said. He was a private first class in the Artillery. His uniform was rumpled. His shoes were dusty. He needed a shave. He held out his hand for the magazine. “Let’s see the pretty book,” he said.

  She gave it to him. “I’m getting married, Newt,” she said.

  “I know,” he said. “Let’s go for a walk.”

  “I’m awfully busy, Newt,” she said. “The wedding is only a week away.”

  “If we go for a walk,” he said, “it will make you rosy. It will make you a rosy bride.” He turned the pages of the magazine. “A rosy bride like her—like her—like her,” he said, showing her rosy brides.

  Catharine turned rosy, thinking about rosy brides.

  “That will be my present to Henry Stewart Chasens,” said Newt. “By taking you for a walk, I’ll be giving him a rosy bride.”

  “You know his name?” said Catharine.

  “Mother wrote,” he said. “From Pittsburgh?”

  “Yes,” she said. “You’d like him.”

  “Maybe,” he said.

  “Can—can you come to the wedding, Newt?” she said.

  “That I doubt,” he said.

  “Your furlough i
sn’t for long enough?” she said.

  “Furlough?” said Newt. He was studying a two-page ad for flat silver. “I’m not on furlough,” he said.

  “Oh?” she said.

  “I’m what they call A.W.O.L.,” said Newt.

  “Oh, Newt! You’re not!” she said.

  “Sure I am,” he said, still looking at the magazine.

  “Why, Newt?” she said.

  “I had to find out what your silver pattern is,” he said. He read names of silver patterns from the magazine. “Albemarle? Heather?” he said. “Legend? Rambler Rose?” He looked up, smiled. “I plan to give you and your husband a spoon,” he said.

  “Newt, Newt—tell me really,” she said.

  “I want to go for a walk,” he said.

  She wrung her hands in sisterly anguish. “Oh, Newt—you’re fooling me about being A.W.O.L.,” she said.

  Newt imitated a police siren softly, raised his eyebrows.

  “Where—where from?” she said.

  “Fort Bragg,” he said.

  “North Carolina?” she said.

  “That’s right,” he said. “Near Fayetteville—where Scarlett O’Hara went to school.”

  “How did you get here, Newt?” she said.

  He raised his thumb, jerked it in a hitchhike gesture. “Two days,” he said.

  “Does your mother know?” she said.

  “I didn’t come to see my mother,” he told her.

  “Who did you come to see?” she said.

  “You,” he said.

  “Why me?” she said.

  “Because I love you,” he said. “Now can we take a walk?” he said. “One foot in front of the other—through leaves, over bridges——”

  · · ·

  They were taking the walk now, were in a woods with a brown-leaf floor.

  Catharine was angry and rattled, close to tears. “Newt,” she said, “this is absolutely crazy.”

  “How so?” said Newt.

  “What a crazy time to tell me you love me,” she said. “You never talked that way before.” She stopped walking.

  “Let’s keep walking,” he said.

  “No,” she said. “So far, no farther. I shouldn’t have come out with you at all,” she said.

  “You did,” he said.

  “To get you out of the house,” she said. “If somebody walked in and heard you talking to me that way, a week before the wedding——”

  “What would they think?” he said.

  “They’d think you were crazy,” she said.

  “Why?” he said.

  Catharine took a deep breath, made a speech. “Let me say that I’m deeply honored by this crazy thing you’ve done,” she said. “I can’t believe you’re really A.W.O.L., but maybe you are. I can’t believe you really love me, but maybe you do. But——”

  “I do,” said Newt.

  “Well, I’m deeply honored,” said Catharine, “and I’m very fond of you as a friend, Newt, extremely fond—but it’s just too late.” She took a step away from him. “You’ve never even kissed me,” she said, and she protected herself with her hands. “I don’t mean you should do it now. I just mean this is all so unexpected. I haven’t got the remotest idea of how to respond.”

  “Just walk some more,” he said. “Have a nice time.”

  They started walking again.

  “How did you expect me to react?” she said.

  “How would I know what to expect?” he said. “I’ve never done anything like this before.”

  “Did you think I would throw myself into your arms?” she said.

  “Maybe,” he said.

  “I’m sorry to disappoint you,” she said.

  “I’m not disappointed,” he said. “I wasn’t counting on it. This is very nice, just walking.”

  Catharine stopped again. “You know what happens next?” she said.

  “Nope,” he said.

  “We shake hands,” she said. “We shake hands and part friends,” she said. “That’s what happens next.”

  Newt nodded. “All right,” he said. “Remember me from time to time. Remember how much I loved you.”

  Involuntarily, Catharine burst into tears. She turned her back to Newt, looked into the infinite colonnade of the woods.

  “What does that mean?” said Newt.

  “Rage!” said Catharine. She clenched her hands. “You have no right——”

  “I had to find out,” he said.

  “If I’d loved you,” she said, “I would have let you know before now.”

  “You would?” he said.

  “Yes,” she said. She faced him, looked up at him, her face quite red. “You would have known,” she said.

  “How?” he said.

  “You would have seen it,” she said. “Women aren’t very clever at hiding it.”

  Newt looked closely at Catharine’s face now. To her consternation, she realized that what she had said was true, that a woman couldn’t hide love.

  Newt was seeing love now.

  And he did what he had to do. He kissed her.

  · · ·

  “You’re hell to get along with!” she said when Newt let her go.

  “I am?” said Newt.

  “You shouldn’t have done that,” she said.

  “You didn’t like it?” he said.

  “What did you expect,” she said—“wild, abandoned passion?”

  “I keep telling you,” he said, “I never know what’s going to happen next.”

  “We say good-by,” she said.

  He frowned slightly. “All right,” he said.

  She made another speech. “I’m not sorry we kissed,” she said. “That was sweet. We should have kissed, we’ve been so close. I’ll always remember you, Newt, and good luck.”

  “You too,” he said.

  “Thank you, Newt,” she said.

  “Thirty days,” he said.

  “What?” she said.

  “Thirty days in the stockade,” he said—“that’s what one kiss will cost me.”

  “I—I’m sorry,” she said, “but I didn’t ask you to go A.W.O.L.”

  “I know,” he said.

  “You certainly don’t deserve any hero’s reward for doing something as foolish as that,” she said.

  “Must be nice to be a hero,” said Newt. “Is Henry Stewart Chasens a hero?”

  “He might be, if he got the chance,” said Catharine. She noted uneasily that they had begun to walk again. The farewell had been forgotten.

  “You really love him?” he said.

  “Certainly I love him!” she said hotly. “I wouldn’t marry him if I didn’t love him!”

  “What’s good about him?” said Newt.

  “Honestly!” she cried, stopping again. “Do you have any idea how offensive you’re being? Many, many, many things are good about Henry! Yes,” she said, “and many, many, many things are probably bad too. But that isn’t any of your business. I love Henry, and I don’t have to argue his merits with you!”

  “Sorry,” said Newt.

  “Honestly!” said Catharine.

  Newt kissed her again. He kissed her again because she wanted him to.

  · · ·

  They were now in a large orchard.

  “How did we get so far from home, Newt?” said Catharine.

  “One foot in front of the other—through leaves, over bridges,” said Newt.

  “They add up—the steps,” she said.

  Bells rang in the tower of the school for the blind nearby.

  “School for the blind,” said Newt.

  “School for the blind,” said Catharine. She shook her head in drowsy wonder. “I’ve got to go back now,” she said.

  “Say good-by,” said Newt.

  “Every time I do,” said Catharine, “I seem to get kissed.”

  Newt sat down on the close-cropped grass under an apple tree. “Sit down,” he said.

  “No,” she said.

  “I won’t touch you,�
� he said.

  “I don’t believe you,” she said.

  She sat down under another tree, twenty feet away from him. She closed her eyes.

  “Dream of Henry Stewart Chasens,” he said.

  “What?” she said.

  “Dream of your wonderful husband-to-be,” he said.

  “All right, I will,” she said. She closed her eyes tighter, caught glimpses of her husband-to-be.

  Newt yawned.

  The bees were humming in the trees, and Catharine almost fell asleep. When she opened her eyes she saw that Newt really was asleep.

  He began to snore softly.

  Catharine let Newt sleep for an hour, and while he slept she adored him with all her heart.

  The shadows of the apple trees grew to the east. The bells in the tower of the school for the blind rang again.

  “Chick-a-dee-dee-dee,” went a chickadee.

  Somewhere far away an automobile starter nagged and failed, nagged and failed, fell still.

  Catharine came out from under her tree, knelt by Newt.

  “Newt?” she said.

  “H’m?” he said. He opened his eyes.

  “Late,” she said.

  “Hello, Catharine,” he said.

  “Hello, Newt,” she said.

  “I love you,” he said.

  “I know,” she said.

  “Too late,” he said.

  “Too late,” she said.

  He stood, stretched groaningly. “A very nice walk,” he said.

  “I thought so,” she said.

  “Part company here?” he said.

  “Where will you go?” she said.

  “Hitch into town, turn myself in,” he said.

  “Good luck,” she said.

  “You, too,” he said. “Marry me, Catharine?”

  “No,” she said.

  He smiled, stared at her hard for a moment, then walked away quickly.

  Catharine watched him grow smaller in the long perspective of shadows and trees, knew that if he stopped and turned now, if he called to her, she would run to him. She would have no choice.

  Newt did stop. He did turn. He did call. “Catharine,” he called.

  She ran to him, put her arms around him, could not speak.