Welcome to the Monkey House: The Special Edition

by Kurt Vonnegut,Gregory D. Sumner

“Never!”

  “Beg your pardon?”

  His eyes were wide. “I said I’ll never let music get like dope to me. It’s important to me, but I’m master of it, and not the other way around.”

  · · ·

  Apparently it was a treacherous subject, so I switched back to the matter of his finances. “Yes, well, now about your portfolio again: just what use do you expect to make of it?”

  “Use some of it for Alma’s and my old age; leave most of it to the boy.”

  “The least you can do is take enough out of the kitty to let you out of working weekends.”

  He stood up suddenly. “Look. I want you to handle my securities, not my life. If you can’t do one without the other, I’ll find someone who can.”

  “Please, Herbert, Mr. Foster. I’m sorry, sir. I was only trying to get the whole picture for planning.”

  He sat down, red-faced. “All right then, respect my convictions. I want to make my own way. If I have to hold a second job to make ends meet, then that’s my cross to bear.”

  “Sure, sure, certainly. And you’re dead right, Herbert. I respect you for it.” I thought he belonged in the bughouse for it. “You leave everything to me from now on. I’ll invest those dividends and run the whole show.” As I puzzled over Herbert, I glanced at a passing blonde. Herbert said something I missed. “What was that, Herbert?”

  “I said, ‘If thy right eye offend thee, pluck it out and cast it from thee.’ ”

  I laughed appreciatively, then cut it short. Herbert was deadly serious. “Well, pretty soon you’ll have the car paid for, and then you can take a well-earned rest on the weekends. And you’ll really have something to be proud of, eh? Earned the whole car by the sweat of your brow, right down to the tip of the exhaust pipe.”

  “One more payment.”

  “Then by-by restaurant.”

  “There’ll still be Alma’s birthday present to pay for. I’m getting her television.”

  “Going to earn that, too, are you?”

  “Think how much more meaningful it will be as a gift, if I do.”

  “Yes, sir, and it’ll give her something to do on weekends, too.”

  “If I have to work weekends for twenty-eight more months, God knows it’s little enough to do for her.”

  If the stock market kept doing what it had been doing for the past three years, Herbert would be a millionaire just about the time he made the last payment on Alma’s birthday present. “Fine.”

  “I love my family,” Herbert said earnestly.

  “I’m sure you do.”

  “And I wouldn’t trade the life I’ve got for anything.”

  “I can certainly see why,” I said. I had the impression that he was arguing with me, that it was important to him that I be convinced.

  “When I consider what my father was, and then see the life I’ve made for myself, it’s the biggest thrill in all my experience.”

  A very small thrill could qualify for the biggest in Herbert’s experience, I thought. “I envy you. It must be gratifying.”

  “Gratifying,” he repeated determinedly. “It is, it is, it is.”

  · · ·

  My firm began managing Herbert’s portfolio, converting some of the slower-moving securities into more lucrative ones, investing the accumulated dividends, diversifying his holdings so he’d be in better shape to weather economic shifts—and in general making his fortune altogether shipshape. A sound portfolio is a thing of beauty in its way, aside from its cash value. Putting one together is a creative act, if done right, with solid major themes of industrials, rails, and utilities, and with the lighter, more exciting themes of electronics, frozen foods, magic drugs, oil and gas, aviation, and other more speculative items. Herbert’s portfolio was our masterpiece. I was thrilled and proud of what the firm had done, and not being able to show it off, even to him, was depressing.

  It was too much for me, and I decided to engineer a coincidence. I would find out in which restaurant Herbert worked, and then drop in, like any other citizen, for something to eat. I would happen to have a report on his overhauled portfolio with me.

  I telephoned Alma, who told me the name of the place, one I’d never heard of. Herbert hadn’t wanted to talk about the place, so I gathered that it was pretty grim—as he said, his cross to bear.

  It was worse than I’d expected: tough, brassy, dark, and noisy. Herbert had picked one hell of a place, indeed, to do penance for a wayward father, or to demonstrate his gratitude to his wife, or to maintain his self-respect by earning his own way—or to do whatever it was he was doing there.

  I elbowed my way between bored-looking women and racetrack types to the bar. I had to shout at the bartender to be heard. When I did get through to him, he yelled back that he’d never heard of no Herbert Foster. Herbert, then, was about as minor an employee as there was in the establishment. He was probably doing something greasy in the kitchen or basement. Typical.

  In the kitchen, a crone was making questionable-looking hamburgers, and nipping at a quart of beer.

  “I’m looking for Herbert Foster.”

  “Ain’ no damn’ Herbert Foster in here.”

  “In the basement?”

  “Ain’ no damn’ basement.”

  “Ever hear of Herbert Foster?”

  “Ain’t never heard of no damn’ Herbert Foster.”

  “Thanks.”

  I sat in a booth to think it over. Herbert had apparently picked the joint out of a telephone book, and told Alma it was where he spent his weekend evenings. In a way, it made me feel better, because it began to look as though Herbert maybe had better reasons than he’d given me for letting eight hundred and fifty thousand dollars get musty. I remembered that every time I’d mentioned his giving up the weekend job, he’d reacted like a man hearing a dentist tune up his drill. I saw it now: the minute he let Alma know he was rich, he’d lose his excuse for getting away from her on weekends.

  But what was it that was worth more to Herbert than eight hundred and fifty thousand? Binges? Dope? Women? I sighed, and admitted I was kidding myself, that I was no closer to the answer than I’d ever been. Moral turpitude on Herbert’s part was inconceivable. Whatever he was up to, it had to be for a good cause. His mother had done such a thorough job on him, and he was so awfully ashamed of his father’s failings, that I was sure he couldn’t operate any other way but righteously. I gave up on the puzzle, and ordered a nightcap.

  And then Herbert Foster, looking drab and hunted, picked his way through the crowd. His expression was one of disapproval, of a holy man in Babylon. He was oddly stiff-necked and held his arms at his sides as he pointedly kept from brushing against anyone or from meeting any of the gazes that fell upon him. There was no question that being in the place was absolute, humiliating hell for him.

  I called to him, but he paid no attention. There was no communicating with him. Herbert was in a near coma of see-no-evil, speak-no-evil, hear-no-evil.

  The crowd in the rear parted for him, and I expected to see Herbert go into a dark corner for a broom or a mop. But a light flashed on at the far end of the aisle the crowd made for him, and a tiny white piano sparkled there like jewelry. The bartender set a drink on the piano, and went back to his post.

  Herbert dusted off the piano bench with his handkerchief, and sat down gingerly. He took a cigarette from his breast pocket and lighted it. And then the cigarette started to droop slowly from his lips; and, as it drooped, Herbert hunched over the keyboard and his eyes narrowed as though he were focusing on something beautiful on a faraway horizon.

  Startlingly, Herbert Foster disappeared. In his place sat an excited stranger, his hands poised like claws. Suddenly he struck, and a spasm of dirty, low-down, gorgeous jazz shook the air, a hot, clanging wraith of the twenties.

  · · ·

  Late that night I went over my masterpiece, the portfolio of Herbert Foster, alias “Firehouse” Harris. I hadn’t bothered Firehouse with it or with myself.

 
In a week or so, there would be a juicy melon from one of his steel companies. Three of his oil stocks were paying extra dividends. The farm machinery company in which he owned five thousand shares was about to offer him rights worth three dollars apiece.

  Thanks to me and my company and an economy in full bloom, Herbert was about to be several thousand dollars richer than he’d been a month before. I had a right to be proud, but my triumph—except for the commission—was gall and wormwood.

  Nobody could do anything for Herbert. Herbert already had what he wanted. He had had it long before the inheritance or I intruded. He had the respectability his mother had hammered into him. But just as priceless as that was an income not quite big enough to go around. It left him no alternative but—in the holy names of wife, child, and home—to play piano in a dive, and breathe smoke, and drink gin, to be Firehouse Harris, his father’s son, three nights out of seven.

  (1951)

  MISS TEMPTATION

  PURITANISM had fallen into such disrepair that not even the oldest spinster thought of putting Susanna in a ducking stool; not even the oldest farmer suspected that Susanna’s diabolical beauty had made his cow run dry.

  Susanna was a bit-part actress in the summer theater near the village, and she rented a room over the firehouse. She was a part of village life all summer, but the villagers never got used to her. She was forever as startling and desirable as a piece of big-city fire apparatus.

  Susanna’s feathery hair and saucer eyes were as black as midnight. Her skin was the color of cream. Her hips were like a lyre, and her bosom made men dream of peace and plenty for ever and ever. She wore barbaric golden hoops on her shell-pink ears, and around her ankles were chains with little bells on them.

  She went barefoot and slept until noon every day. And, as noon drew near, the villagers on the main street would grow as restless as beagles with a thunderstorm on the way.

  At noon, Susanna would appear on the porch outside her room. She would stretch languidly, pour a bowl of milk for her black cat, kiss the cat, fluff her hair, put on her earrings, lock her door, and hide the key in her bosom.

  And then, barefoot, she would begin her stately, undulating, titillating, tinkling walk—down the outside stairway, past the liquor store, the insurance agency, the real-estate office, the diner, the American Legion post, and the church, to the crowded drugstore. There she would get the New York papers.

  She seemed to nod to all the world in a dim, queenly way. But the only person she spoke to during her daily walk was Bearse Hinkley, the seventy-two-year-old pharmacist.

  The old man always had her papers ready for her.

  “Thank you, Mr. Hinkley. You’re an angel,” she would say, opening a paper at random. “Now, let’s see what’s going on back in civilization.” While the old man would watch, fuddled by her perfume, Susanna would laugh or gasp or frown at items in the paper—items she never explained.

  Then she would take the papers, and return to her nest over the firehouse. She would pause on the porch outside her room, dip her hand into her bosom, bring out the key, unlock the door, pick up the black cat, kiss it again, and disappear inside.

  The one-girl pageant had a ritual sameness until one day toward the end of summer, when the air of the drugstore was cut by a cruel, sustained screech from a dry bearing in a revolving soda-fountain stool.

  The screech cut right through Susanna’s speech about Mr. Hinkley’s being an angel. The screech made scalps tingle and teeth ache. Susanna looked indulgently in the direction of the screech, forgiving the screecher. She found that the screecher wasn’t a person to be indulged.

  The screech had been made by the stool of Cpl. Norman Fuller, who had come home the night before from eighteen bleak months in Korea. They had been eighteen months without war—but eighteen months without cheer, all the same. Fuller had turned on the stool slowly, to look at Susanna with indignation. When the screech died, the drugstore was deathly still.

  Fuller had broken the enchantment of summer by the seaside—had reminded all in the drugstore of the black, mysterious passions that were so often the mainsprings of life.

  He might have been a brother, come to rescue his idiot sister from the tenderloin; or an irate husband, come to a saloon to horsewhip his wife back to where she belonged, with the baby. The truth was that Corporal Fuller had never seen Susanna before.

  He hadn’t conciously meant to make a scene. He hadn’t known, consciously, that his stool would screech. He had meant to underplay his indignation, to make it a small detail in the background of Susanna’s pageant—a detail noticed by only one or two connoisseurs of the human comedy.

  But the screech had made his indignation the center of the solar system for all in the drugstore—particularly for Susanna. Time had stopped, and it could not proceed until Fuller had explained the expression on his granite Yankee face.

  Fuller felt his skin glowing like hot brass. He was comprehending destiny. Destiny had suddenly given him an audience, and a situation about which he had a bitter lot to say.

  Fuller felt his lips move, heard the words come out. “Who do you think you are?” he said to Susanna.

  “I beg your pardon?” said Susanna. She drew her newspapers about herself protectively.

  “I saw you come down the street like you were a circus parade, and I just wondered who you thought you were,” said Fuller.

  Susanna blushed gloriously. “I—I’m an actress,” she said.

  “You can say that again,” said Fuller. “Greatest actresses in the world, American women.”

  “You’re very nice to say so,” said Susanna uneasily.

  Fuller’s skin glowed brighter and hotter. His mind had become a fountain of apt, intricate phrases. “I’m not talking about theaters with seats in ’em. I’m talking about the stage of life. American women act and dress like they’re gonna give you the world. Then, when you stick out your hand, they put an ice cube in it.”

  “They do?” said Susanna emptily.

  “They do,” said Fuller, “and it’s about time somebody said so.” He looked challengingly from spectator to spectator, and found what he took to be dazed encouragement. “It isn’t fair,” he said.

  “What isn’t?” said Susanna, lost.

  “You come in here with bells on your ankles, so’s I’ll have to look at your ankles and your pretty pink feet,” said Fuller. “You kiss the cat, so’s I’ll have to think about how it’d be to be that cat,” said Fuller. “You call an old man an angel, so’s I’ll have to think about what it’d be like to be called an angel by you,” said Fuller. “You hide your key in front of everybody, so’s I’ll have to think about where that key is,” said Fuller.

  He stood. “Miss,” he said, his voice full of pain, “you do everything you can to give lonely, ordinary people like me indigestion and the heeby-jeebies, and you wouldn’t even hold hands with me to keep me from falling off a cliff.”

  He strode to the door. All eyes were on him. Hardly anyone noticed that his indictment had reduced Susanna to ashes of what she’d been moments before. Susanna now looked like what she really was—a muddle-headed nineteen-year-old clinging to a tiny corner of sophistication.

  “It isn’t fair,” said Fuller. “There ought to be a law against girls acting and dressing like you do. It makes more people unhappy than it does happy. You know what I say to you, for going around making everybody want to kiss you?”

  “No,” piped Susanna, every fuse in her nervous system blown.

  “I say to you what you’d say to me, if I was to try and kiss you,” said Fuller grandly. He swung his arms in an umpire’s gesture for “out.” “The hell with you,” he said. He left, slamming the screen door.

  He didn’t look back when the door slammed again a moment later, when the patter of running bare feet and the wild tinkling of little bells faded away in the direction of the firehouse.

  · · ·

  That evening, Corporal Fuller’s widowed mother put a candle on the table,
and fed him sirloin steak and strawberry shortcake in honor of his homecoming. Fuller ate the meal as though it were wet blotting paper, and he answered his mother’s cheery questions in a voice that was dead.

  “Aren’t you glad to be home?” said his mother, when they’d finished their coffee.

  “Sure,” said Fuller.

  “What did you do today?” she said.

  “Walked,” he said.

  “Seeing all your old friends?” she said.

  “Haven’t got any friends,” said Fuller.

  His mother threw up her hands. “No friends?” she said. “You?”

  “Times change, ma,” said Fuller heavily. “Eighteen months is a long time. People leave town, people get married——”

  “Marriage doesn’t kill people, does it?” she said.

  Fuller didn’t smile. “Maybe not,” he said. “But it makes it awful hard for ’em to find any place to fit old friends in.”

  “Dougie isn’t married, is he?”

  “He’s out west, ma—with the Strategic Air Command,” said Fuller. The little dining room became as lonely as a bomber in the thin, cold stratosphere.

  “Oh,” said his mother. “There must be somebody left.”

  “Nope,” said Fuller. “I spent the whole morning on the phone, ma. I might as well have been back in Korea. Nobody home.”

  “I can’t believe it,” she said. “Why, you couldn’t walk down Main Street without being almost trampled by friends.”

  “Ma,” said Fuller hollowly, “after I ran out of numbers to call, you know what I did? I went down to the drugstore, ma, and just sat there by the soda fountain, waiting for somebody to walk in—somebody I knew maybe just even a little. Ma,” he said in anguish, “all I knew was poor old Bearse Hinkley. I’m not kidding you one bit.” He stood, crumpling his napkin into a ball. “Ma, will you please excuse me?”

  “Yes. Of course,” she said. “Where are you going now?” She beamed. “Out to call on some nice girl, I hope?”

  Fuller threw the napkin down. “I’m going to get a cigar!” he said. “I don’t know any girls. They’re all married too.”