How To Get Your Heart Broken

by Rose Fall

  I moved my hand slowly, and it came into contact with this uncomfortable, scratchy fabric I seemed to be wearing. I could have sworn it was made out of fingernails.

  I slowly registered everything.

  The cloth was obviously not something I would have chosen to wear, the white walls meant I was not in my room, and that beeping must have meant…

  "Oh, Eli!" She rushed towards me, throwing her arms around me dramatically. I winced at the sudden impact, now registering the sound of muffled sobs.

  The fact that my mother was here must have meant that I was most definitely in the hospital. I hadn't noticed the man that had come in with her until he shone a bright light into my eyes. I groaned, blinking away from the unpleasant surprise. He turned towards my mother, angling the flashlight towards her face, which was resting on my stomach.

  I inched away from her arms, sprawled all over my body as he began, "Ma’am...would you mind? I need to run some tests."

  She lifted her head slowly to turn towards him, "This is my daughter..." her eyes widened, her runny mascara giving her an uncanny resemblance to a distressed raccoon.

  He kept the flashlight on her face, nodding, although obviously unsympathetic. I would have laughed if I could remember how to. He turned his head to look at this short, plump woman with a kindergarten teacher’s smile whom I also hadn't noticed before. He motioned his head towards my mother, and the nurse gently coaxed her outside.

  He turned the flashlight back towards me once the door was shut.

  "Don't blink," he said before carrying on.

  Then I had to follow the light. Once he was satisfied with that he asked me how many fingers he was holding up. It took some time before I could find my voice, and when I did, it sounded more like two pieces of sandpaper rubbing together.

  "Four," I croaked.

  He looked at his fingers then looked back at me. He lifted them again.

  "Four," I repeated.

  He held up more fingers. "Six," I replied.

  "Hmmm," he said. "Six fingers in one hand. What am I, an alien? I would say you're seeing double, but that's not the case. When I hold up two you see four, when I hold up four you see six…"

  He shrugged suddenly, "You'll be fine. But no driving." He pointed a stern finger at me.

  "I can go?" I asked, surprised.

  "Ha," he said humorlessly, "No." And then he walked out.

  I looked around the plain room, wondering how long I had to lay here. And that's when I realized I didn't even know where Rachel was. I looked around for a bell I could ring or something to get the doctor's attention. I started panicking, fast. What if she wasn't okay? What if she was dead? It took all of my strength to sit up. I was exhausted by the time I tried to stand up, and then I began to wonder what I was going to do with all of the things attached to me.

  Could I just rip them off? That didn't seem like a good idea, not in real life anyway. Maybe removing them slowly, I thought. Wearily, I focused on trying to remove the first one.

  "What the hell are you doing?" Rachel asked, pushing me back down effortlessly, after I’d used all of my energy to get up.

  But it was such a relief to hear her voice that I didn't fight it.

  I stared at her. "You're okay?" It sounded more like a question that an observation.

  "Why wouldn't I be?" She asked, clearly confused. "Oh," she said a moment later. "I'm not the one that crashed into you."

  I stared blankly, the details were pretty fuzzy, I just knew Rachel had been with me.

  "What happened?"

  "How much do you remember?" she asked.

  "Skidding..." I said, that was the last thing I really remembered.

  "There were a couple of guys racing. They made some sort of a bet,” ‘Oh the irony,’ I thought. I’ve always believed in karma.

  “…There was this scrawny blond one with really bad acne…” I wondered why this was relevant. “…like he had something to prove. I should have known when I saw his beady eyes…”

  I yawned.

  “Am I boring you?” She asked quizzically.

  I shook my head, “Continue,” I replied hoarsely.

  “Anyway, the other two guys didn't think he was going to win, and he was determined to win. Yada, yada, he didn't really know what he was doing. He was going really fast and when he was going toward the curb he turned too sharply, and the car started spinning out of control. Meanwhile, you for whatever reason just stopped in the middle of the track. The rest of us got out of the way and we all tried to warn you but, there wasn’t any time and... the car spun right into yours and you crashed into the wall."

  I tried to process what she'd said, but it wasn't any clearer. I still had no memory of the accident.

  "Is he okay?"

  "I think so," she shrugged, "As long as your mother doesn't find him." She sighed, "He shouldn't have been so stupid."

  I finally noticed the familiar figure standing beside her.

  "Lauren?"

  She waved anxiously. "Are you okay?"

  "Never better," I smiled.

  She bit her lip. She actually looked like she cared, how sweet.

  "Seriously, I'm good," I tried to reassure her.

  Rachel found a seat for herself on the edge of the bed, while Lauren stood as far from me as possible, looking uncertain and uncomfortable.

  "Are you sure you're okay?" She asked.

  I nodded reassuringly.

  "Well in that case....how could you do this to me?"

  I stared at her, perplexed.

  “Mom and Dad let you go for one nice, quiet summer at the beach and you almost get yourself killed? Do you know what this means?"

  I stared blankly, not having the energy to shake my head no.

  "I'll never be able to go anywhere ever again, and it's all because of you."

  "Wow," Rachel laughed, even she seemed surprised.

  "I missed you too," I croaked out sarcastically.

  I guess she would never stop being a pain, even when I had "almost died."

  Rachel hopped out of the bed. "I’ll be back…without this one," she said as she wrapped her arm around Lauren’s shoulder and dragged her away.

  I smiled at both of them, though Lauren turned to glare at me one last time before walking out.

  ---

  I had barely closed my eyes when the weird doctor popped his head back in the room.

  “Your boyfriend’s been here all night. He wants to know if he can come in and see you.”

  I gave him a confused look. "Don't have one," I managed to choke out.

  "Too bad. You guys would be like totally adorable together," he said in the monotone; I supposed that was his idea of a joke.

  "So how ‘bout it?" He asked when I didn't respond.

  "Okay," I said, clearing my throat. I was curious to find out about this “boyfriend” I didn't know I had.

  I heard a quiet knock at the door a few seconds later.

  "Come in," I tried to say. They seemed to get the message.

  Now I understood who my "boyfriend" was. As if I wasn’t aware enough of my own body, the heart monitor started beating faster when he walked in.

  “Hey, Elle,” he stood by the door, as if afraid I could somehow hurt him, even though I was lying helplessly in a hospital bed.

  I smiled bitterly. Always a coward, “Ryan.”

  He took that as permission to move closer. As he stood by the head of the bed, I was reminded of that smell that I’d spent so much time thinking about at the beach house. ‘Why had I thought it was so great?’ I wondered when he began stroking my forehead. Not that he smelled terrible, but there was nothing special about his combination of Speed deodorant, cigarettes, and that lavender detergent his mom still used to wash his clothes.

  “Drag racing? That was really stupid, Elle.” I could hear the erratic beeping of the heart monitor again; I just hoped he didn’t mistake it for anything besides annoyance.

  “Not your problem anymore,” I croake
d. My frustration increased when I realized how ineffective my voice was in portraying my anger. It reminded me of Jessie saying I needed anger management classes, now I couldn’t yell even when I had reason to.

  “I guess that’s fair. Look I know you still hate me‒”

  “I don’t,” I cut in. And it wasn’t just for the sake of argument; I’d meant it when I told Jessie that I didn’t think Ryan could help himself. Besides, somewhere along the line I’d realized that being angry with him took too much energy and especially now, I was too tired.

  “Really? You’re not?” I could tell by his tone he didn’t believe me, probably thinking this was another one of my games.

  “I’m a better person than you.”

  “I know,” he whispered. He seemed to believe it, though I only said the words to spite him. “You always were,” he smiled.

  “Why are you here?”

  “Believe it or not I was worried about you… Look I’m not here to ask for you back, or even to apologize. What I did was screwed up and we both know it. But we’ve been through a lot together. Where else do you think I’d be? I know you don’t need anyone and you can take care of yourself, but you know where to find me, just in case.” He leaned down and kissed me just like I’d been wishing he would, until I stopped wishing he would. It lasted less than a second, and then he was gone.

  When had I stopped wishing he would? I was reminded of that dream where I felt nothing. The realization that that chapter was truly over and the thought that this was all Ryan and I amounted to, after everything we had once been, left me feeling surprisingly empty.

  Fortunately I was given no time to dwell on it. I smiled at Jessie and Ash. I noticed Ash’s puffy eyes and red nose; her eyes began to water even as she wearily approached the bed. I tried to look as un-sick and energetic as I possibly could.

  "Hey Ash," I smiled. "How’s it going?"

  "You sound awful," she said quietly.

  "Wow, you really know how to beat a horse when it's down."

  She shook her head, already preparing to apologize.

  "Relax, it was a joke."

  She nodded, and then she stared at me like I was the most pitiful thing she had ever seen.

  "Hey Ash, you feel like going out for a while? I could use a favor."

  "What is it?" She asked eagerly.

  "This thing," I pointed down at the hospital gown I was wearing, "Not only is it hideous, it's also really uncomfortable, and I would really love some of my own clothes. I could really use my toothbrush too. And hospital food is disgusting, would you mind picking up something for me? Anything will be better."

  She nodded eagerly, "No problem. I'll be back as soon as I can."

  She stepped closer as if she were going to hug me, but then decided against it.

  I waved as she left. I figured I could put her out of her misery, at least for a little while. I knew she didn't want to be there. I also knew that she would have stayed day and night until I was released if I’d asked her to. I turned to Jessie as the door clicked.

  "That was nice of you," he smiled.

  "I'm a sweetheart, you know," my sarcastic remark almost sounded genuine; there was so little energy behind it.

  He laughed, "You really do sound awful."

  I heard the door open again and I saw Lauren come in, carrying a bouquet of roses.

  "These aren't from me," she said, like it was of the upmost importance for me to know.

  She placed them on the table. "But if they were, the card would read, “Thanks for ruining my life.” She put angry air quotes around her message, and then she stomped back out dramatically.

  "Quite the resemblance," Jessie said after she'd left.

  "She's great," I said, not quite managing to roll my eyes.

  "How do you feel?" He asked.

  "Like crap," I replied honestly.

  "I'll get the doctor."

  I wanted to protest, but I really didn't have the energy. Soon he was back with that strange doctor.

  "Say night-night," he said, holding up a needle like a mad scientist.

  "Jessie," I mumbled as my lids grew heavy, "Thanks for coming."

  I saw him smile before I closed my eyes. I heard the door shut and my brain with it. Then there was the caress of a hand on my cheek and a kiss on the forehead that I couldn't strictly label as dream or real.

  Kiss Me Kill Me

  I woke up to find Rachel sleeping on the chair beside me. I couldn’t help smiling at her. As terrible as she could seem to other people, she was the one person I knew I could always rely on. Her head was resting on the side of my bed, her mouth open to an unflattering width. If I knew where my phone was, I know I would have used this opportunity to take a picture that I could use for blackmail. I sighed, tapping her head lightly to wake her up.

  I waited for her to reorient herself before asking, "What are you doing here?"

  "Nice seeing you too," she mumbled.

  "You don't have to stay here, go home." I croaked.

  "The food is so much better here!" She replied sarcastically.

  "Speaking of which," she grabbed a bag of fast food I assumed Ash had brought for me from the table.

  “It’s too bad we can’t go on our runs anymore,” I said because I’d been making a mental list of all the things I wouldn’t be able to do in the next couple of weeks.

  “I know you’re not actually sad about that,” Rachel said through a mouth French Fries.

  I smiled. She wasn’t wrong. But I enjoyed getting to spend that time with her. I liked that she was the first person I saw in the morning, and I looked forward to the end of our runs, when we got to sit in silence and watch the sunrise together. Those sorts of mornings would be much rarer after the end of summer. Yet I knew she’d never let me hear the end of it if I ever hinted at just how sentimental I actually was, so I said, “I guess you’re right.”

  She gave me a knowing look, then added, “Anyway, you’ve been over Ryan for a while now.”

  I froze for a moment. Had she realized this before I even had?

  I cleared my throat and changed the subject. I’d noticed the plethora of bouquets around me earlier.

  “What’s with all this?” I asked as I looked around the room.

  "I know right, it's like a freaking garden," she muttered in between chews.

  “Didn’t know I had this many friends,” I mumbled.

  “You don’t,” she replied with a giggle.

  I ignored her.

  She started pointing towards different bouquets, "Those four from your father. He's sooo sorry he couldn't make it.” But hey, he spent $200 on assorted bouquets for you, and that’s what real love is! That gigantic one with all the roses is from your mother, of course. The other gigantic one with the sunflowers is from Jessie. And the oversized teddy bear is from Julian and Ashton." She said the last part with disgust.

  I raised an eyebrow at her.

  "I know, isn't that obnoxious? They're already sending gifts as a couple. Gross."

  Apparently I’d only been here for two days, but I must have missed a lot if “Julian and Ashton” even existed, let alone were sending gifts together.

  "What'd you get me?" I asked, watching her stuff her face with my lunch.

  "Isn't my presence enough?"

  I gave her a sarcastic smile. She picked up a large box of chocolates from the bedstand. I smiled gratefully.

  “You know me so well,” I said, already salivating.

  "You're welcome," she said, taking another huge bite.

  "Rachel, I won’t be able to save you if you start chocking." I shook my head as I opened the box.

  "I just haven't had one of these in so long," she said as she stared at the cheeseburger with hungry eyes.

  "And take your own advice," she added as I dug into the box of chocolates.

  I guess I hadn't eaten in a while, I was starving.

  The door swung open and I looked up guiltily at Ash, my mouth full of chocolate.

>   "Eli what‒ Rachel!" She exclaimed. "That was for Eli!"

  Rachel's reply was incomprehensible, since her mouth was full too.

  A second later Jessie and Lauren entered together.

  "Aww how sad, no one ever introduced you guys to the concept of chewing," Jessie teased as he stared at Rachel and me.

  "What are you doing with her?" I asked, looking from Lauren to Jessie.

  He cleared his throat, "Ummm…nothing?"

  "None of your business," Lauren added. Jessie gave her a look of approval and raised his hand up for a high-five, which Lauren met in excitement, as if they’d always been the best of friends.

  I looked at them in bewilderment. I was about to say something else when Julian walked in.

  "Hey Eli, " he said casually, thought this was only the second time he had spoken to me.

  I waved since my mouth was full again. If my mother was coming too I had to eat all the chocolate I could before she got there.

  "I'm glad you're alive, because Jessie was wailing like a baby all last night, which makes it really hard to sleep. I wouldn't want to‒Oooooohhhhh!"

  He was silenced by Jessie’s not-so-subtle elbowing.

  I stopped chewing.

  "I was kidding," he groaned, hugging his stomach. "He didn't really cry."

  I stuffed my face with more chocolate.

  I watched Ash walk over to Julian's side with a concerned look on her face; I guess they really were a “Julian and Ashton” now.

  "Eli, you should probably slow down. With a broken rib, I bet it will hurt like hell if someone has to do the Heimlich on you," Rachel said.

  “I have a broken rib?” I asked, suddenly alarmed. I did not know the full extent of my injuries, but a rib sounded like a terrible thing to break.

  “Well, bruised they said. But your wrist is broken, hence the brace. And you had a concussion. No more extreme sports for you missy!" I inched away as Rachel tried to pinch my nose.

  "What? You mean I can't go bungee jumping next week?" I asked sarcastically. The last thing I wanted to do right now was get anywhere near an extreme sport.

  "You know for once, I actually agree with Rachel," Ash added.

  Great.

  I slapped Lauren's hand away as she reached for my chocolate.