Nothing Matters: A Noir Love Story
Page 4
& not-very-successful bank robber,
brings over drinks nods nod back
words as useful & as rare as hummingbirds in this place
drink beer down in one,
follow it with mouthful of bourbon
barman’s straight back with refill
settled
take look around
man stands by gangway, tattoos stretched tight
over biceps showing a horse sodomizing Alice, another
of an American pit-bull Cerberus with three heads & three cocks
guy’s knocking back slammers could be him could be Z guessed
in booth to right, two guys before a checkers board,
on it, twenty-four glasses, twelve filled with silver tequila & twelve with gold several non-entities & prospects crowd middle of bar—
muggers, rapists, thieves no doubt
staring ahead, yet apparently in conversation, at end of bar, owners of this joint—
two faggots with more muscles than donegal bay, self-styled
daddies of sleaze, godfathers of the gratuitous
busting for piss, spatchcock
book on table, dangle & drop
huge lugie into beer, watch it float to bottom, fluorescent
octopus, knock back bourbon, cross sticky floor to gents
last time this place saw a mop & bucket, noah was cross-fertilizing sheep
mirrors
caked with extracted hardened snot aroma
more brutal than brut, more number 2 than number 5 slip
on dark yellow liquid unbutton urinal
full of cigarette & cigar butts, swirl them around
in tobacco soup hear door open
shake,
fold, button
turn
shadow falls across face, instinctively raise arm in protection fuck!
blow catches muscle not bone in right forearm
brachiordialis! gonna bruise gonna hurt
whoever did it is trying to do it again see rush of denim & corduroy,
mop of ginger hair, mouth open, black-toothed where there are teeth, globs
of green & purple where there aren’t, warts size of walnuts
the gourd
slipping about on piss-stained floor, pull out
knife & aim for rushing centre
as thing he’s wielding bears down
baseball bat? iron bar? hoover attachment?
dodge sideways, pull knife across, slice
horizontally, hear his van halen t-shirt rip, feel
heavy folds of flesh tear, muscles fissure
rectus abdominis his swing
loses energy & weapon—
crowbar—
clangs to floor
down holding guts that won’t be held, spilling
over floor, colors of drab rainbow flip him
over spit in face dying
unzip his jeans—the gourd goes commando—
pull out cock & balls raspy is the gourd
hands do a little flap
as if shaking off water or singing “mammy”—
well, from here the sun doesn’t shine best
pull his cock up so root is visible, cut
halfway thru, twist & twist, tug
& tug, & it comes off—blood all over the place—
throw it across toilet floor, it rolls into a corner
cockroaches & giant silverfish stream out of nowhere, cover
the thing watch as the gourd’s eyes roll
back into his forehead idea
cut off his hairy balls
wrinkled skin attaching them to body, thin, smells of toe-jam hold them gently,
cradling newborn kittens (ugly fuckers others
would have drowned at birth)
sit on the gourd’s chest &,
using knife, thumb & forefinger, pluck out his eyes, slip them
into pocket—later mail these to Z instead of his cock push
the testicles into the gourd’s empty black sockets, arrange
them wall-eyed
stand up,
stand back,
admire handiwork
nice
roll the gourd into shitter,
prop him against toilet bowl,
close door behind thirsty work
walk thru bar, drink beer, pocket paperback
one of the owners says,
“come back soon”
say,
“oh, yes yes”
close door to the slaughterhouse as the ramones’ “pinhead” starts up on jukebox
dog pissing up right back wheel of motor, staring
off into distance as if looking for a friend
thing about dogs hate dogs
still holding knife & while it’s primarily designed
for stabbing & cutting, wonder what it’s like
for throwing
dog’s nearly finished
don’t want to damage paintwork,
wait until he shakes & moves off
thwump!
catch it behind right ear,
blade goes in all of its six inches
dog
drops
instant
dead
walk
over
blade
thru
skull,
brain,
sits embedded in dog’s mouth, shiny
prosthetic tongue dog’s eyes bulge,
fur matted, fleas dance around muzzle
fucking hate dogs
idea
bugger trying to get knife out have to put
pressure on dog’s skull with foot to extract blade skull
a little squashed with weight but eventually get knife out
& wipe it on dog’s coat
pick up corpse, place it on backseat of car
nice present for someone—
Z & Z’s pooches
something about the gourd’s eyes about
dog’s lips about
the sea & all the things unknown there
watch as a black tail zigzags over the hood,
disappears at speed into the sky
dog is death-farting
juice up motor, open all windows
look in mirrorlook at reflection
“drive, it sd, for
christ’s sake, look
out where yr going”
see
splash of dark red urine on rear window
take cd from bag, slip it
in, flip thru tracks, flick
thru memories…
Simulation Station
…and find “our song”—
“Use Somebody” by Kings of Leon, put it on, play
the opening chords,
turn it off.
I don’t need music to jog my memory.
Memory—
maybe I haven’t been completely honest
with you.
With myself.
With others. I wanted to fuck X
from the minute I saw him.
I would have done,
I would have done it
right there and then.
In the toilets. In a broom closet.
Under the goddamn buffet table. But I held back.
Wanting him
to want me. To imagine it before
it happened. Simulate it in his mind, in his
fantasies, project an unreal me,
more perfect,
less real.
Three days… The time between Christ’s death
and resurrection, the time
he preached to the fallen angels—
I heard his voice. The phone
rang and I knew it was X. Listened
to that voice. Knew that I’d give myself
to him that night. Take his life
from him. As he knew it.
Give never to get back. Take
never to ask.
We met
in a bar, we had a few drinks—sweet cider for me,
beer and a bourbon chaser for X.
After five minutes, he said,
“I really want to kiss you.”
And I replied,
“That wouldn’t be a very good idea.”
And I took his hand,
led him out of the bar
to my car, to a motel, saying nothing all the while,
wouldn’t let him kiss me, let him
fuck me, let him
fuck me hard, let him
fuck me again and again—sucked him
until he cried for me to stop. Kissed him
on the cheek, said,
“I have to go now.”
Saw him roll in the soiled sheets—
an albino alligator death toiling in a shroud.
Didn’t call. Made him wait.
Gave him scraps. Gave him hope.
Three days later. Again.
Gave him head. Gave him less.
Each time. Each time he wanted more.
Each time, I pulled him in, played him out.
“Time,” I told him, “I don’t have
time or space in my life.”
He looked at me lost, what could he do,
how could he make time, make space.
“Take away a life,” I explained.
“Kill a man.”
He looked up at me from the sodden bed
with the eyes of Raoul, with the eyes of all the men I’d fucked—
in all the ways I’d fucked them.
Problem was there was a flicker in those eyes,
the glowing end of a fuse, something
different from the others, more intelligent,
darker, and the fuse burned straight back to his heart
igniting a love I hadn’t seen before, a love
that I thought had died in me
the day I didn’t recognize my mother.
11:45am and the phone rings off the hook. Drinking
pomegranate juice through a straw, my jaw bruised,
a Redondo Beach sunset. I stare
into the mirror, let the squawking phone ring.
My eyes are grey.
Has he told you that?
Sometimes silver, sometimes molten lead.
I suffer from astigmatism—
my left eye slightly cocked as if I’m not focusing on what’s right before me
but
on what’s to come.
The future not the present. Whereas X
is all about the past, what might have been.
Memories.
The phone stops ringing
and then
starts again.
I answer not recognizing the number.
“………”
“Yes, it is.”
“………”
“No, I don’t. Sorry.”
“………”
“I’ve never heard of it.”
“………”
“I’ve driven through Rancho Cucamonga but never stopped there.”
“………”
“I hired him to find my missing husband.”
“………”
“Yes.”
“………”
“That’s very unfortunate.”
“………”
“How dreadful.”
“………”
“That’s a rather vague description.”
“………”
“Inverted-cross necklace, tattoos on his knuckles.”
“………”
“No, I can’t say I do, officer.”
“………”
“Of course.” I pretend to write down a name and number.
“………”
“Good day to you.”
So, X has killed The Gourd.
If I didn’t want to see X, I hear you thinking,
why hire The Gourd to find and follow him? Well,
if I know where he is, I know he’s not with me.
If that makes sense.
I know he’s not waiting
in a corridor, down an alley, sitting
behind a newspaper at Starbucks, looking
for me. I know he’s not hunkered down
in a car outside my apartment reading
one of those boring books, one eye
fixed on the door, the sidewalk, the next table.
After he killed the first two, I needed a break.
Take some time off from men and I decided to go to Babylon,
to a hotel I knew there.
He followed. He always did.
Always does. Maybe not now.
Maybe.
The hotel, called The Hotel Notre Dame, was a favorite of mine.
The staff respected your privacy.
None of them blinked at the succession of men
who entered and sometimes left my room.
The maids aligned the scores of shoes I threw in the bottom of wardrobes,
hung up my dresses strewn around the room,
tidied away the bottles of sweet cider I’d ordered from room service,
the untouched club sandwiches, the half gnawed California rolls.
While explaining how he killed my politician lover,
I sucked him off, his semen
spurting over my chin at the exact same time
as his
final
full
stop.
Period.
While he told me about the ex who couldn’t let go,
how he’d cut off his fingers and toes
so he could no longer hang on, I kissed
the nape of his neck and jerked
him off slowly but firmly, felt
the warm cum in the web of flesh between my thumb and forefinger, licked
it
off.
Swallowed.
Told him to leave.
He said he would never kill a third.
But he has now.
That one stupid rule.
I’ve made him overstep the mark.
I always have done.
The next time we met,
he told me about the nightmares,
the shrinks, the lies.
The chitinous black tail always out of reach,
saliva shiny.
I didn’t care. I never do.
But something in me wanted him.
Wanted the stories. Wanted the control.
Wanted him to want me to want him.
And I did.
I needed him.
Needed him to kill them.
Get them out of my head. Out of my memory.
Clean. A clean slate. Tabula rasa. Palimpsest.
And that’s how it felt after my father killed Raoul.
He found him up a ladder peering into my room. I knew,
of course, lying there with my legs open, a see-thru thong,
white lace bra, pretending to read Blood on the Dining Room Floor.
Saw his head, hands pressed either side,
wings that would never save him,
then his head move back,
and a shout and a thud,
and my father standing over Raoul’s twisted body.
While my father called the police and the paramedics, I masturbated
on the bed, my mind, for the first time blank, no fantasies, just
the physical sensation, overwhelming, intense, void of men. Still
flushed when the police interviewed me, still
tingling with the incredible whiteness of the orgasm,
a field of ice,
a glacier.
“You will say to me it has not happened
and I will answer yes
of course it has not happened
and you will dream
and I will dream and cream.”
An accidental death.
Both mine and Raoul’s.
A last fall
and a foreve
r
falling.
I pick up the phone,
dial a number,
ask a favor.
Tell them where I think he is.
Two of them this time
and this time I need it done.
Need it over.
No more following.
No more chases.
No more motels and hotels and restaurants and bars.
The bruise
on my face a heat map of Mars—oranges
and greens but mostly blues.
I plug my iPhone into the portable speakers while I change.
“Venus in Furs” by The Velvet Underground, followed by
“Don’t Call Me Pain” by The Pop Group. I dress
in a Neptune-blue sweater,
Vivian Westwood jeans over knee-length black leather high-heel boots.
I gather up my things, close the zip on my bag.
Step to the blinds, lift two,
separating them with my thumb and forefinger, suppress
a memory, look out onto the courtyard wanting
and not wanting a black Thunderbird to be there.
Splash of dark red urine on window.
I look at the barometer on the wall, the mercury
is falling,
dark clouds drift,
overhead…
Memory Motel
…rain thunderstorm roads slick & wet
doing a century doing a ton
lean down,
flip open glove compartment check what’s there
half-empty bottle of absinthe,
a shooter
must’ve left them there last night
hold on
couldn’t have
that was a car of another color
must be someone else’s booze,
someone else’s piece
some other bozo
oh, well
before return to motel,
go for spin on freeway
yank car over
gun thing thru oncoming cars
up on ramp
&
onto
long
unwinding
black
liquorice
rain’s heavy,
thick mist turning cars that have braved it into indistinct blurs of color
crank up music,
sing along to killing joke’s “requiem”
can’t see squat
open windows,
air causes arms to erupt in goosebumps
pass a car,
swerve in front making driver hit brakes,
slide & spin onto hard shoulder
hear his horn until
opening power chords of queens of the stone age’s “go with the flow”
drown it out
drum fingers on steering wheel
blur of colored metal thinning out & rain still thickening