Pretty Dirty Trick

by Tabatha Kiss

  My toe catches on the top step as I enter my building.

  “Fuck!” I gasp. I trip upward, nearly falling, but I manage to balance myself with the door handle. “Son-of-a-fucking…”

  I look forward, making eye contact with an amused man standing by the mailboxes. Must be a neighbor. I mean… I think it’s a neighbor. I don’t really know anyone in my building but if he does live here, I’m forever going to be known as the ditsy bitch who trips up the stairs and curses like an off-duty teacher.

  “Hi,” I say with a nod. “How are ya?”

  He gives me a nod and keeps on walking out the door.

  Ughh.

  I fish into my purse for my keys and walk over to the mailboxes. Box 29. If Thad is dependable, then my apartment key should be in here. Hey, if it’s not, then I’ll see it as a sign. Yeah, a sign! A sign from fate itself telling me that Thad is all wrong for me and that I should choose Max.

  I insert the key and turn the lock, feeling a quick thump in my chest as I pull it open.

  My key is inside.

  I pause, trying to gauge my reaction. Am I excited? Or disappointed? If I’m excited, then that must mean I love Thad more, right? I’m so happy he’s the dependable and responsible guy I think he is. He’s perfect. It’s decided. Or… am I disappointed because if fate chooses Thad, then that means it didn’t choose Max?

  I stare at the key and feel nothing.

  Ughhh.

  I snatch it out of the mailbox and slam the door closed.

  There has to be a way to do this fairly. Without breaking hearts. Not just theirs, either. Mine.

  I’ve thought about it all day. Leaving Max would kill all the little dreams sixteen-year-old me had. What kind of monster would shatter the heart of their sixteen-year-old self? But leaving Thad? He’s the kind of guy I always pictured myself ending up with. How could I possibly give that up?

  I step into my apartment and glance around. It’s only one damn room but it’s sure as hell been christened good and plenty lately. The kitchen table, the bed. I haven’t hit the sofa yet but with the way things are going now, I’m sure to find myself spread eagle on there any day now…

  But with which guy?

  Max.

  No, Thad.

  I sigh and kick the door closed.

  I need a distraction. Some kind of menial task to take my mind off this whole fucking mess. Something methodical and repetitive…

  Dishes. Those will do.

  I sidle in front of the sink and turn the tap on. As the water heats up, I search for my sponge and hope it’s not stuffed somewhere underneath all these glasses and plates—

  I stop and stare at the sink, feeling a rush of warmth spreading up my toes toward my kneecaps.

  Max.

  With eyes closed, I see him. I feel him near me. His lips on mine. His voice in my ears.

  I want you, he said. I’m still not sure you believe me.

  But I do believe him.

  My heart stops. I turn off the water and lean away from the sink.

  Was there ever really a choice?

  It’s Max. It’s always been Max.

  He’s perfect. It’s decided.

  I take a confident step toward my bed but pause mid-stride as my eyes focus on an object that definitely wasn’t on my bedside table before.

  A shot glass? With a note inside…

  My heart lurches.

  New York City?

  I snatch it off the table to take a closer look at the photo printed along the outside. That bright, city skyline…

  Thad.

  I smile so wide my lips hurt. I turn the glass over and pull out the square of paper stuffed inside. My fingers shake as I unfold it, buzzed to the bone with adrenaline. I scan it the lined paper, my eyes gliding over several words of handwritten…

  My jaw drops.

  Way up there in the jet-black sky

  Shattered and broken by the very sight

  She hums to herself a quiet song

  And waits for him to come back.

  Way up here in the jet-black sky

  Rolling and tumbling thru sheets of white

  He smiles to himself, steadfast and strong

  Because he always comes back.

  Way down there on the muddy ground

  Hustling and bustling in a city of stars

  She releases the quiet song on her breath

  So he can find his way back.

  Way down here on the muddy ground

  Safe and sound in an embrace that’s ours

  I followed your song, over hell and thru death

  Because I’ll always come back. -T

  I lower my hand to my side as my entire body turns numb.

  “Dammit,” I whisper.

  Ughhhh.

  Twenty-Three

  Thad

  Los Angeles has three million people. Surely, there’s another person somewhere in there that dips their steak in mustard.

  But I’ve only met one.

  “First Officer Hemsley. Hello!”

  I blink out of my trance to find Katie lingering behind my shoulder, seething with attitude.

  “What?” I ask her.

  She squints her little eyes and stares at me through her trimmed, black bangs. “I said, are you about done yet? You’re hogging the coffee and if I don’t get some before 3B hits the call button again, I will jettison him outside like Indiana Jones.”

  “Sorry, Katie,” I say, grabbing a few packets of sweetener. “Excuse me.”

  She crosses her arms and doesn’t budge as I try to move around her. “What’s up with you?” she asks.

  “Nothing.”

  “Bullshit. You’re treating me with respect.”

  I blink. “And?”

  “You haven’t hit on me once all week,” she points out. “Nothing but thank you, Katie and excuse me, Katie—”

  “Is that a problem?”

  She takes a short step back, looking me up and down while I slowly sip my mid-flight coffee. After a moment, her eyes widen. “Do you have a girlfriend?” she asks.

  “No. Well...” I bite my cheek. “Not sure yet.”

  Her brow rises. “Hmm.”

  I shift impatiently “What?”

  “I don’t know, it’s just...” she fiddles with the scarf around her neck, “now that you’re off-the-market, I find you strangely alluring.”

  I roll my eyes. “So, you were one of those women all along, huh?”

  “Maybe.” She steps forward and reaches out to wrap her manicured claws around my tie. “I have a few days off,” she says, pushing up onto the tips of her toes. “How about you and I…”

  I take hold of her wrist and force her hand back down to her side. “Thanks but no thanks, Katie,” I say, feeling a smug pride that I don’t bother obscuring. “You had your chance.”

  She exhales an annoyed breath. I ignore it, taking as wide of a step around her as I can toward the flight deck. Now that she’s shown her true colors, she’s absolutely repulsive to me. I guess I prefer women with backbones.

  When the hell did that happen?

  I enter the cockpit and take my seat. The captain gives me a quiet head nod and scratches at his graying beard as he inspects the dash. Usually, flying with this guy drives me crazy. He’s your standard slam-clicker, not much for socializing. Good conversation is about all we have in here during the long flights but today, I actually prefer the dull, pensive silences.

  Was Max there that night?

  I stare into the blue sky ahead of us. Up here, the world is silent, unmoving. Nothing but clouds as far as the eye can see, which usually calms me but…

  Why wouldn’t he tell me about her?

  We’ve told each other about our various sexual encounters and relationships for fifteen years. He would have mentioned this — especially considering that it’s Phoebe freakin’ Pink but…

  I didn’t tell him about her, either...

  I didn’t want him to know. I didn’t want anyone t
o know. I just wanted her without all the bullshit.

  Is Max there right now?

  I fill my mouth with hot coffee, letting it burn all the way down my throat.

  Max and Phoebe. It’s easy to picture because I’ve seen it before with my own two eyes. Phoebe lying on her back, breasts spilling out with Max between her legs. I let it play out in my head. Moaning and thrusting. Biting and scratching at each other.

  She reaches out and takes my hand as she comes. I kiss her as she trembles to pieces, providing a tender bit of comfort, but I know it won’t last.

  We’re not done with her yet.

  “ETA twenty. Let’s get you home.”

  I blink out of it and nod at the captain as the Los Angeles skyline comes into view.

  “Home sweet home,” I say.

  Twenty-Four

  Max

  I should be angry.

  That’s the way this plays out in movies, right? Man finds another man’s clothing in his woman’s bed. He gets pissed. Someone inevitably gets punched. I should be fuming, stomping around here like a brute, but I have no proof. I’m a lawyer. Proof is kind of my thing.

  Even if I did have solid evidence… the other man is Thad. Or, at least, it could be. That tie ain’t exactly one of a kind.

  So, if my best friend is sleeping with Phoebe, then I should be angry.

  Why aren’t I more pissed off?

  A knock on the door echoes through my condo.

  I close the file in front of me and set it down on the large stack taking over my kitchen table. It’s not like I was actually absorbing that information anyway. I’ll have to re-read it later.

  I stand up and walk over to answer the door.

  Speak of the devil.

  Thad grins at me from the hallway. “Hey, man,” he greets.

  “Hey…” I look at the tie around his neck. Solid and navy-blue. No red checkers. “What’s up?”

  “I need a couch.” He cranes his neck to look over my shoulder. “Unless you’ve got company. I can come back tomorrow…”

  I step to the side. “Nope. Just me tonight. Come on in.”

  “Awesome.” He walks in, rolling his suitcase behind him. “So, what’re you up to? No big date plans?”

  I close the door. “No. Just paperwork, mostly.”

  “Bummer.”

  I move back to the table. “How long are you staying this time?”

  He heads into the kitchen to help himself to my beer. “A few days, if you don’t mind,” he says as he opens the fridge. “Don’t feel like you have to entertain me.”

  I laugh. “I never do.”

  “Need a drink?”

  “Yes, please.”

  He returns to the living room with two open bottles. “Hey, have you eaten yet?” he asks as he offers one to me. “I don’t know about you but I’m dying for a steak.”

  I pause, noticing his hard stare and crinkled brow. “Steak?”

  “Yeah, let’s get some steak. I mean…” he squints, “unless you’ve already had it recently or something…”

  “No…” I lie. “I haven’t had it.”

  He grins as he passes around me. “Then, let’s fire up the grill! Watch the game. Have a little guy-on-guy fun.”

  I chuckle and set my bottle down on the table. “Sure, just give me a few minutes to clear this stuff.”

  “You still got that big case going on?” he asks, plopping down on my sofa.

  “Yeah.”

  “Keeping really busy then, huh?”

  “Somewhat.”

  “No time for fun or hot dates or dinner with girls at their apartments? Stuff like that?”

  I turn my head to look at him and he stares back, hard and unblinking. He’s watching me. Studying my reaction. Hairs stand up on the back of my neck. If my suspicions of him and Phoebe are correct then, maybe…

  He suspects me, too.

  “Not really, no,” I say. “In fact, I’ve been stuck in meetings all week.”

  “Oh, yeah?” he asks before chugging his beer.

  “Yeah. Hey—” I cross my arms, “you know that tie?”

  “Tie?”

  “The one you have with the red checkerboard pattern?”

  “Yes,” he says with a nod.

  “Do you mind if I borrow it?” I ask, staring him down. “Could really use a fresh look for this meeting in the morning.”

  “Sure, I’ll fish it out for you later.”

  “Can you do it now?” I ask. “Just like to see if I need to fit in time to iron it before work…”

  Thad pauses, his eyes slowly shifting to his suitcase by the door. His brows pinch as he leans forward to set his beer on the table. “No problem,” he says, standing up.

  I stay on my toes, pivoting slightly as he makes his way toward his suitcase. He’s still watching me, still studying me, and I do the same to him.

  Is it true?

  I stare harder as he unzips the case and holds it open. He shifts through his clothes with one hand, his eyes jumping up to me once before focusing on what he’s doing.

  “Hmm…” he says, shrugging. “Not here.”

  “No?” I ask.

  He drops the lid and stands up. “Must have left it behind in a hotel room somewhere.”

  “Must have.” I nod slowly. “Probably just slipped right out of your suitcase.”

  “Probably.”

  “Or you tied it up somewhere and forgot about it.”

  He blinks once, connecting the dots as I do.

  We stop moving. Stop breathing. Stop thinking. A thick, unbearable silence falls between us. Pressure mounts. Pulses pound. Seconds tick by as we stare at each other, wondering which one of us will cave first.

  We both do.

  “You’re fucking Phoebe!” We gasp. “How’d you know?”

  I hold up my hands. “Okay, wait. Let’s just—”

  Thad points a finger. “So, it was your mustard!”

  I blink. “Mustard?”

  “There was a plate,” he says. “In her sink. Yellow crap smeared on it—”

  “When did you see that?”

  “Yesterday morning. I got there around two the night before.”

  I lower my hands to my sides. “I left just before one… after I found your tie knotted off on her headboard.”

  Thad wanders back to the couch and sits down. He grabs his beer and takes a long, slow sip, giving me time to fetch mine, too.

  I take the seat beside him on the couch. We sit in silence, drinking and staring at the walls.

  “You’re fucking Phoebe,” he repeats.

  “Yes, I am,” I say. “And so are you.”

  “Since when?”

  I scoff. “Since when have you been?”

  “About a week,” he says.

  “A week?”

  “Yeah. Took her out for drinks last Friday. We ended up at her place and… that’s when I misplaced my tie.”

  I nod. “I took her out to dinner on Thursday. We ended up back here and we…” I gesture around us.

  “Where?” he asks.

  “On this couch.”

  “No—Dinner. Where did you take her?”

  “Oh. Kitano’s.”

  He laughs. “That explains why she practically ran in the opposite direction when I tried to take her there.”

  “Wait…” I think back. “She was the flight attendant you wanted a table for?”

  “Yeah… and I guess she was the girl from your gym?”

  We fall quiet, both caught red-handed in our lies.

  I inhale to speak, quickly realizing that I have no idea what to say. I take another drink instead, finishing off the bottle but I keep it clenched in my hand like a damn security blanket.

  Finally, words come out. “We’re both dating the same girl,” I say.

  “Yep,” Thad says, “and we both lied about it.”

  I won’t argue with it. It’s the truth, after all.

  “Okay…” I clear my throat. “Given the situati
on, it would make the most sense for the guy who cares the least about her to step aside and let the other be happy.”

  “I agree.” He pats my shoulder. “I really appreciate you doing that for me, Max. You’re a true friend.”

  “Whoa—” I furrow my brow and shake off his palm. “I’m not stepping aside.”

  He turns to me. “But you just said—”

  “I said the guy who cares the least about her should step aside.”

  “Yeah,” he says. “That’s you.”

  “No, it’s not. I care about her. A lot.”

  “So do I.”

  “Not as much as I do.”

  His mouth sags. “I emphatically disagree.”

  I grit my teeth. “I’m not giving her up.”

  “Neither am I.”

  We stare at each other, barely blinking in a lingering stalemate.

  “So, what do we do?” he finally asks. “Flip a coin?”

  “I’d never agree to those odds,” I say. “Obviously, I care more about her if you would.”

  He snorts. “It was rhetorical. Obviously, a coin toss is ridiculous.”

  “So, we let her choose.”

  We fall silent again and a wave of confidence rushes through me.

  There’s no way Phoebe wouldn’t pick me. She’s had a thing for me for years. Being with me is what she’s always wanted. I can feel it in my bones. Phoebe is mine.

  I glance at Thad, struck down by the same confidence displayed on his cocky face.

  But she wouldn’t choose him… right?

  And if she did… could we ever be friends again?

  Thad purses his lips. “Or…”

  I wait for him to finish but he hesitates. “Or what?”

  “We could just…” he speaks through the edge of his mouth, “keep doing what we’re doing now…”

  I blink. “You mean share her?”

  He shrugs. “Why not?”

  I roll my shoulders back. “Would she do that?”

  “She’s been doing it for a week already — apparently — and it’s not like it’d be the first time we’ve both dated the same girl at the same time.”

  “Yeah, but are we really going to compare Sally Sweet to Phoebe Pink?”