Playing the Field

by Lark Maren

  “Next time I won’t,” I texted back, laughing to myself. At least I knew she liked what she saw.

  “Next time, I won’t let u.”

  I reached in my nightstand drawer and pulled out my favorite vibrator, the one that barely made a sound, and brought it to my clit.

  It didn’t take long before I was smashing my face into my pillow, imagining her hands all over me, overpowering me with her strength as our sweaty bodies came together.

  Next time I wouldn’t leave. I was tired of playing it safe. If I wanted Tonya, playing it safe wasn’t an option anymore. I flicked off my nightstand lamp and set my alarm on my phone, for the first time in a long time excited about what tomorrow was going to bring.

  Chapter Twelve

  Tonya:

  Four am crept up a lot quicker than I wanted it to. I was nursing a headache that even a hot shower and a handful of pain pills wasn’t shaking, and the fact that we were still out of coffee made things even worse.

  I basically slept standing through my construction shift. My mind was so cluttered with what the hell I was going to do about Areal, what the hell I was going to do about finding another job, how the hell I was going to come back from brawling with my teammates last night, just existing was exhausting.

  For the first time in my entire life, I dreaded my afternoon workout at the gym with Savannah and Lucy. It didn’t help I couldn’t stop looking at Ella’s texts from last night, wondering what was even going on there. Everything about her confused me, down to the way that the more I got to know her, the more I actually kind of liked her. That wasn’t how I operated. Usually, the more I got to know someone the faster I ran away. With Ella, I found myself wanting to actually talk to her. She was full of surprises. She was interesting. She wasn’t anything like the picture I’d painted of her in my mind.

  We definitely had no business hanging out together. The more I thought about the way she took over the football team in an attempt to get my attention, I felt this combination of amusement and disgust. Like she thought she was going to buy me? She thought she was going to own me? Yet, the way I couldn’t stop thinking about her, she definitely owned at least some temporary real estate in my already jam-packed mind.

  I pulled up to the white concrete building, sinking my head back into my car seat and closing my eyes. Coach Savannah knocked on my window as she walked past, and I lifted my finger. I needed a minute to get into the proper headspace so I could push my body to the limit. Sweating it all out was about the only luxury I had going for me, and I normally relished this temporary blackout in the struggles of my day, but I was exhausted.

  My cellphone rang, and I pulled it out, embarrassed for myself as I found myself wishing it was Ella. It was Areal instead, and hearing her voice on the other line did bring me a slight relief.

  “Hey, sis,” she said, her tone a little glum. “Just before you say anything, I’m really sorry about last night. Aunt Mae and I went down and talked to Phil today. I apologized and everything. He’s going to give you your job back.”

  It didn’t make me feel any better. I was a big girl. I didn’t need Aunt Mae to fight my battles. All I needed was for her to get my sister back home where she belonged and stay the hell away from us.

  “Where are you?” I asked.

  “Tonya, I’m sorry,” she whined. “I talked to Mom today, and she thinks this is for the best, too. Mae and I are going to the school right now. I’m transferring to cyber school. I’m going to go live with her.”

  I pounded my fist on the dashboard. Now my mother was interested in mothering?

  “I have done nothing but lived my life for you, Areal. Everything I do. Every hour I work. It’s because I want better for you than what I had.”

  “And that’s not fair to YOU, or me,” she squealed. “Do you understand how much pressure you put me under every day? I can’t win. I just want to be a kid. I just want to relax and do good in school and not have to feel like you’re going to die of a heart attack trying to support me and Mom.”

  “I’m not good enough, then?” I asked, blinking back tears. “Is that what this is? I ruined your childhood?”

  “Tonya,” she mumbled, “don’t say that.”

  “I don’t see how you can get a good education on a computer.” I didn’t want her to hear me crying. I knew I’d failed her every step of the way, but I loved her so much. I thought that was enough. She always had food to eat and a roof over her head. I always came to the rescue whenever she got herself in a jam.

  “Everybody does it now,” she said. “If I don’t physically go to school, I’m probably a lot less likely to get suspended, right?”

  “We’re doing this on a trial basis. You call me every morning when you wake up and every night before you go to bed. I see you in person at least two times a week,” I said.

  “Really?” she asked excitedly. I hadn’t heard her so joyful in years. It broke my heart that I couldn’t get that out of her on my own, but hearing her happy made me feel good in that instant. Maybe Mae had changed.

  “You always have a place at the apartment. You need me, and I’m there. Nothing is going to change about that, alright?”

  Maybe having one less mouth to feed for a little while wouldn’t be all that bad. I could finally start saving some money so I could get us out of that dive. I could get an apartment somewhere in the suburbs where she could go to a better school, feel safe walking around the neighborhood, have friends who weren’t selling dope and getting drunk. This trial separation might be exactly what we needed.

  “I love you, Tonya. Thank you so much.”

  “Stay out of the alcohol,” I said.

  “Trust me,” she groaned, “I don’t ever want to even smell tequila again.”

  As soon as I got off the phone with her, the tears started to pour. I didn’t know if they were happy or sad tears. Angry tears? Angry at myself for not being in a place where I could care for her? I felt defeated, but also reassured. The weight of the world had been lifted from my shoulders, but it wasn’t what I really wanted… or was it?

  Why couldn’t anything in my life be easy?

  I hadn’t even noticed the white BMW parked next to me until the horn chirped. Ella appeared in the doorway of the gym, a file folder in her hands and a giant Louis Vuitton bag slung over her shoulder. She was wearing this tight fitting green dress with little black triangles on the side that made her hourglass figure look even more dramatic than it already did. Fucking stunning as usual, and here I was dressed in my construction vest, smearing dirt and tears all over my sunburnt face.

  Her eyes lit up when she spotted me sitting in my car and she put her hand over her mouth and turned her head shyly, like she hadn’t sent me pictures of everything that dress was holding in the night before.

  I smeared my face on my sleeve to the best of my ability and jumped out of my car, grabbing my backpack, nodding over at her casually. What we had between us wasn’t something we needed to be plastering all over public. Did we even have anything between us?

  “Hey, Tonya,” she said, her voice husky and low. “How was your day?”

  “Eh,” I said, walking towards the gym, trying to look like I was in too big a hurry to stop and talk.

  “Tonya, wait,” she called after me. “I want to talk to you.”

  “I’m late,” I said, pulling the door open and rushing inside. She didn’t need to see me like this. I didn’t need another distraction in my already chaotic day.

  Savannah was sitting on a yoga mat, her legs stretched out in front of her while Lucy practiced handstands up against the wall. We usually warmed up with a little bit of yoga to improve our flexibility and mobility.

  “I’m sorry I’m late,” I whispered loudly, “I’m gonna go change quick.”

  “You look like hell,” Savannah said, pushing herself up off the floor.

  “I feel fine,” I said, trying to brush her off as well and make my way to the locker room. Truth was, I didn’t feel so hot at
all. I wasn’t sure if it was the hangover, the dehydration via crying my eyes out, lack of sleep, or the fact that I didn’t have time for breakfast or lunch yet, but my legs felt a little rubbery and my stomach was off. I leaned up against a squat rack for a second, steadying myself.

  “Did you eat today?” she asked.

  “I will,” I said. “Just didn’t have time yet.”

  Lucy came rushing over as I slid to the floor, my heart rate rapidly going up.

  “Here,” she said, offering me a water bottle. I slugged it all down in one giant sip, groaning out a loud sigh of relief.

  “I’m sorry, guys,” I said. “Rough morning. Let me go get changed and I’ll be good to go.”

  “I don’t think so,” Savannah said. “I think you probably just need to take the day off. You’re stressed. I can see it in your jaw.”

  She was right. I had been clenching my teeth all day today for lack of a better option. “Any other day, I’d probably fight you on that one,” I said. “I am so sorry. I feel so irresponsible. It’s just, Areal is driving me up the wall, I’m having some work issues. You know I don’t like to bring this shit to the field with me.”

  “You’re fine,” Savannah said, tousling my ponytail. “You okay to drive home?”

  I nodded as she helped me up off the floor. I could tell Lucy was still upset about last night by the way she just stood there off to the side, not saying much at all. Usually she talked a million miles a minute. “I’ll be alright.”

  I realized as I walked out the door that I didn’t even think to ask what Ella was doing at the gym earlier. I guess I was going to find out either way, as she stood there propped up against the hood of my car, obviously waiting for me.

  “That was fast,” she said. My legs were still a little limp and I noticed I was walking like the sidewalk was made of quicksand, my head still spinning. “Holy crap, Tonya, are you alright?”

  “What are you even doing here?” I asked, eager to get this heavy backpack off my back and sit my ass down.

  “I had a business meeting with Savannah.”

  “I thought we were beyond that,” I said with a laugh before shielding my hand over my eyes to block out the sunshine, which was making my temples throb. “Didn’t you already get what you wanted out of this team?”

  “You don’t look so good,” she said, pressing her hand to my forehead.

  “That’s not what you said last night.” She clicked her tongue and grabbed my backpack for me. “I didn’t have time to eat today before work. Didn’t drink enough water. This happens sometimes.” More often than I’d like to admit to myself. Usually I could power through, though.

  Her face was scrunched up in concern as I tried to stand up straight and walk it off.

  “Let me take you to lunch,” she said.

  “I look like I just crawled out from under a bridge. I just need to go home and get some rest.”

  “Come on, I know a place. You won’t even have to get out of the car. I can’t just leave you like this.”

  She wrapped her arm around my shoulder and ushered me to her BMW, opening the door for me. I didn’t have the energy to put up a fight. It was flattering that she was willing to help me out, but I wasn’t in any position to pick up where we left things last night.

  “I feel like this is becoming a recurrent theme,” I said, as she hopped in the driver’s side, rolling down the windows and letting the cool fall breeze pour in. “When are you going to get tired of driving around my messy ass.”

  “I don’t think ever,” she said with an innocent smile. “If that’s what it takes, that what it takes. You like barbeque?”

  I nodded. My stomach was growling so loudly I was about to fish a pack of gum out of my backpack and eat it.

  “So do you like want to talk about last night or something?” I asked. “Is that why you were waiting by my car?”

  “We can,” she said. “We don’t have to. That’s your call. You don’t look like you’re in the mood to talk about anything.”

  It was weird. I was pretty certain she wouldn’t understand anything I had on my mind right now, and that’s why I felt like I could open up to her. Trapped in this car with a woman, who less than twenty-four hours ago, I couldn’t stand, I was ready to open up and tell her my life story.

  “Dammit,” she groaned, slamming on her brakes. By the way traffic was lined up across the bridge, it looked like we were going to have plenty of time to get to know each other beyond nudes and sneers. Not that I minded either from her. Both turned me on in entirely different ways. “I think I might have some granola bars in the glove compartment.”

  I was desperate at this point, and I popped it open. A big weird white glove fell out. It looked like a piece of a Halloween costume or something, and I held it up as she started to laugh.

  “So that’s where I put that thing!” she said.

  “What the fuck is it?” I asked. I knew she was kinky, but this was some totally different-level shit.

  “I stole it,” she said in a whispered tone. “I could probably go to jail if anybody knew I had it.” She slipped it over her hand and started to laugh. “I used to be a pierogi.”

  “Are you high?”

  “For the baseball team! I used to be a pierogi racer. They kept our costumes under lock and key, though. When they didn’t hire me back, I snuck in and took it one day. It was a whole ordeal.”

  I blurted out a loud laugh and slapped my hand over my mouth. Picturing her dressed up like a pierogi running through a baseball field was definitely something that had never crossed my mind.

  “You’re probably laughing because it’s so stereotypical. Rich girl shoplifting for the thrill of it,” she said, rolling her eyes.

  “That’s not why I’m laughing,” I said, dabbing a tear from my eye. “I swear.”

  “I know it sounds stupid, but it’s kind of sentimental. I just really loved that time in my life. I felt like I was really in my element. Maybe it’s kind of like how you feel when you play football? You just feel like you belong. Like you’re doing the right thing and everything makes sense.”

  I couldn’t disagree with her. She had a point about football. So many times I’d made sacrifices in my life just out of the love for the sport. I knew it limited my career options. I knew the team was dying, and I didn’t really have anything more to give to breathe life back into it, but I showed up every day, every practice, every workout, every game because it made sense to me. It was the only place I truly belonged. The only place I could actually feel peaceful and proud of my accomplishments.

  “I know this might not be the best time to talk about this, but I really need your help, Tonya,” she said. “I am super serious about turning the team around. I want to get you guys profitable. I want you to be able to have a career in football. I don’t want you to have to have three jobs and beat the shit out of yourselves with no medical care. You guys have been lining other people’s pockets for far too long.”

  I sank back into the seat and pressed my fingers into my temples.

  “Why are you so against this? I swear, Tonya, I have some really great ideas, and I think this is going to be a really good thing for everyone involved.”

  “You just don’t get it,” I groaned. “Football is our escape from reality. Some rich person bossing us around and telling us what we need to do is the reality most of us live. I don’t want the team to be another job. I don’t want to have to answer to anybody but our coach. I don’t want to think about anything but blocking and tackling.”

  “I don’t know what else I have to do to get it through your brain, Tonya. Why don’t you trust me? I’m not just some rich person. You have nude pictures of me on your phone that you could send out to anyone. I’ve been driving you around, trying to take care of you, trying to be kind to you. I like you so much, but all you do is throw my privilege in my face every chance you get.”

  I rolled down the window all the way, fanning my face, the sounds of a hundred radio
s and horns honking all the way through the tunnel not even enough to drown out her squawking.

  “You just don’t get it, Ella. You’re a great girl. You’re hot, you’re kind, and you’re right; you’re not just some ‘rich person.’ Your parents are, though. What would your dad say if he knew you and I were together right now? You think he’d be cool with the fact you’re driving me around in his car, spending his money on dinner for me, using his cellphone to send naked pictures of yourself to some scumbag who lives paycheck to paycheck? You don’t have anything to lose if my football team goes tits up. Your life won’t even kind of change.”

  “I’m not my parents,” she said, gripping the steering wheel tight as she clenched her teeth. “I’m my own person!”

  “But are you really? What do you have that’s only yours, Ella?” I regretted those words the instant they came out of my mouth. It’s not like I had a whole lot going for myself. Crippling debt. Future crippling arthritis in my knees and shoulders thanks to manual labor and getting tackled all the time. A car that probably wasn’t going to pass inspection this year. An empty stomach that was now twisting itself into knots because my big loud mouth couldn’t keep up with the part of my brain that knew how to communicate with people.

  “It’s funny you should ask that,” she said, her voice wavering in between rage and tears. She pulled the manila folder out of her purse and tossed it into my lap. “This is what I really wanted to talk to you about today.”

  I didn’t know what this paperwork meant. Just a lot of legalese.

  “That’s the deed to my new apartment complex. That’s the paperwork transferring the football team to my name. That’s every dime I’ve ever earned or been given going out the door in one day. That’s my father telling me I’m making a huge mistake and he can’t wait to see me fail. That’s my new life, right here.” My jaw dropped as traffic started moving once again.

  “Are you out of your fucking mind?” I stammered. This car was suddenly a lot smaller. Even the cool breeze flowing through the windows as we started through the tunnel wasn’t enough to keep me from choking.