Welcome to the Galactic Shoppers Network

by Ian Rodgers

  “Alright, let’s take a look at you,” Zane declared, hefting the device out of the container.

  It was heavy, but no more than a hundred pounds at a guess. He staggered a bit but made it back into the living room where he plopped it onto the couch. The furniture sagged a tad but held, and the human began to look over it.

  “I think I can remove the melted bit. Maybe that’s the issue,” Zane mused. “I think there should be some tools in the garage…”

  He turned, only for a loud screech to blast through the air. Zane flinched and spun around to face the machine which had sudden come to life! Numerous lights were flashing in a rainbow cascade of colors and the machine started to vibrate and bounce around.

  With a screech of static the object sudden shot straight up into the air, slamming into the ceiling and sending chips of wood and paint raining down. Zane flinched while watching in a combination of fear and curiosity as the spherical device tried to bore a hole through the house.

  “Hey, stop that! If you can understand me, stop breaking my grandfather’s home!” Zane demanded, pointing an accusing finger at the offender.

  As if it heard him, the machine dropped down from the ceiling to hover in front of Zane. He stepped back in surprise, but the machine did nothing except float and release a squeal of noise at the human.

  “Argh, damn it! What the hell was that?!” Zane cried, covering his ears. Another burst of alien sound came forth, this time more akin to gibberish than mere noise.

  “Be quiet!” Zane pleaded. Almost like it was listening, the next batch of sound was softer on his ears. It also had the tone of roar interspersed with clicking and mumbling.

  “…you…stand…e…?”

  “What?” Zane slowly removed his hands from his auditory organs. He stared at the floating eye-bot.

  “Do you understand me now?” It was laced with a hissing whine and sounded like it was passing through a motor of some sort, but there it was, a fully intelligible sentence.

  “Yes?”

  “Processing. Please state name of species, and name of customer,” the droid said after a soft beep.

  “…Human… my name is Zane Pendon,” the young man stammered.

  “Apologies, I did not mean to startle you,” the eye said, it’s voice becoming more upbeat and lively. “Allow me to introduce myself! I am Crown Corp.’s latest invention, the Personal Mobile Network Droid! I am a fully functioning robotic Partial Intelligence, equipped with the latest devices to act as a Pan-Galactic Encyclopedia, exo-net terminal and interface, and technical assistant.”

  “What…” Zane began, only to be cut off.

  “Please, save all questions for after this important announcement from our Sponsor!” The robot’s ‘eye’ began to glow, and it projected a wide screen in front of itself, where a logo of a planet ringed by a crown appeared while jaunty music played.

  The logo faded before Zane’s wide eyes, and soon a bipedal lifeform appeared before him wearing what appeared to be a black business suit. The being looked like an ape of some sort, though covered in feathers instead of fur, with four beady green eyes on an oblong face, and extremely long and thin forearms that ended with seven digits that almost resembled fingers, but had too many knuckles. It looked middle aged, based on what Zane assumed were wrinkles, but then again, this was an alien. Who knew what it looked like as it aged?

  “Greetings and Congratulations, Mr. / Ms. / Mo.! I am Chova’klove Aunlood, CEO, President, and Chairperson of Crown Corporation Integrated Technologies and Services. You have been selected at random to beta-test our newest service and product, the Pan-Galactic Delivery Service and the Personal Mobile Network Droid. In conjunction with inter-galactic laws and regulations, I am obliged to inform you that selling, leasing, or otherwise trading possession of this Personal Mobile Network Droid to anyone not associated with Crown Corp. and the beta-testing will result in immediate legal actions. Also, please keep in mind that everything the Droid and Delivery Service does is subject to change in later updates and upgrades, with or without your consent. Also note that if any harm comes to you during the beta-testing as a result of something you tell the Droid to do or because of something you purchased, we cannot be held liable in any court of law under the inter-galactic ‘Don’t Touch The Red Button!’ Legal Stipulations.”

  “Um…”

  “Now that all that legalese is done, please allow me to explain what it is we wish for you to do.” Zane shut his mouth, holding back on his myriad of questions for now.

  “In short, we want you, the consumer, to test the Delivery Service’s functions and systems in a day-to-day setting for three Galactic Standard Years, while also using, at least once a Galactic Standard Month, the Pan-Galactic Technicon Shoppers Guide. You must purchase at least one item every two Galactic Standard Months in order for us to test the delivery system we have been developing, as well as the Mobile Network Droid’s Assembly and set-up features. While following these rules and guidelines, you will have unlimited access to the Droid’s encyclopedias, entertainment systems, and exo-net browsing.”

  “Please note that anything you do with the Droid and its features will be monitored, and that any merchandise purchased during the beta-test is also subject to scrutiny to ensure you do not use the items to fund, plan, plot, enact or supply revolutions, rebellions, any crimes listed in the Inter-Galactic Code of Laws, general anarchy, and criminal activity. Doing so will violate the agreements and cause immediate legal actions.”

  “Additionally, any merchandise that is lost or damaged due to Black holes, Supernovas, Nebula Implosions, Quasar Disintegration, Warp Distortion, Radiation Fluxuation, or any other natural Cosmic phenomena will not be refunded during this beta-testing. Now, please register yourself as the primary user and sole beta-tester with the Droid that has been provided to you. Thank you, and have a good day.”

  Immediately after he finished speaking, the same planet-with-crown logo appeared with more of that jaunty music, before the screen disappeared and the robot’s ‘eye’ stopped glowing.

  “So… Do I have any choice in the matter?”

  “Due to your selection as my Primary User, I am afraid the terms and conditions are binding.”

  “But, but I just picked you up! I didn’t know what I was doing!”

  “Processing… Due to the damage done to the chassis during arrival, and the fact that you were not the intended recipient, it is possible to file for return. However, doing so may incur a fine for the waste of time and resources.”

  “I can be fined for that?!”

  “When trying to challenge a binding contract for newly developed technology? Yes.”

  “Crap,” Zane muttered under his breath. “Well, can I at least have some time to think this over?”

  “As you wish. I can allow you 1 Standard Galactic Day to make your decision.”

  “How long is that for Earth?” Zane asked, curious in spite of himself.

  “Analyzing the rotational speed and axis tilt of this planet, ‘Earth.’ Inquiry: How many seconds, minutes, and hours in one Earthian day?”

  “Um, sixty seconds in a minute, sixty minutes in an hour, twenty four hours in a day,” Zane said, unsure if that was any help, but gave a sigh of relief when a beep came from the hovering droid.

  “Data analysis complete,” the object said after a moment. “Data states that 1 Standard Galactic Day is equal to 30.25 Earth hours. Galactic Standard clocks are 1.26 times that of Earth.”

  “Neat. Um, can you record this data, or…”

  “Updating planetary data. Complete. Thank you.”

  “No problem,” Zane said, tapping his chin with his fingers, not really listening.

  This was insane. First, he followed what at first he’d assumed was a meteorite, only to discover a metal container and unknown technology. Now, after bringing it home, it wanted him to take part in some sort of intergalactic shopping test? This was beyond strange.

  Not to mention all kinds of dangerous
. What would happen if the government found out? Either his or the one this thing belonged to? Would he be abducted? Imprisoned? Probed?!

  “What should I do?” Zane groaned as he cradled his head in his hands. He felt a migraine coming on.

  “If I may: While acting as the beta-tester for Crown Corps. services, you will be put under their contract. This will protect you from most, if not all, forms of legal repercussions unless your actions as a beta-tester violate any of the rules of the Terms and Conditions. Once the test is complete, you will be compensated for your troubles.”

  “What if my own government finds out? People from beyond the stars are not exactly common place here.”

  “The Crown Corp. contract will protect you. Should you be arrested it would be my duty to inform them, and they would dispatch a legal team,” the droid stated.

  Heaving a sigh, Zane asked one final question. “Is there really no chance for me to send you back?”

  “Negative. I’ve already transmitted data back to the corporation that I have been picked up and the test is now in progress. Apologies.”

  “Ok, fine. So what do I have to do to finish registering?” In response, a small piece of the droid’s side opened up, allowing a small metal disc with a spike on to float out to hover in front of Zane at chest height.

  “If an organic lifeform, please place one drop of blood / ichor / life-juice / equivalent of above on the floating petri-dish. If a non-organic lifeform or undead, please consult the ‘Alternate Registration Procedures’ manual, available on request.”

  “Undead? How? What?” Zane was confused, but the dime sized disc bumped into him, requiring his attention. Hesitantly, the human pricked his thumb on the needle and let a crimson droplet trickle on the device.

  “Thank you. Please wait. Systems processing.” The hovering dish returned to the machine, and it fell silent. Only the whoosh of whatever technology kept it aloft could be heard in the house.

  “Analysis complete. Unknown lifeform attempting to register. Please. Wait…” Static popped and the machine trembled before a green light lit up.

  “Apologies for the delay. Damage to internal components detected.”

  “Um, do you need help getting repaired?” Zane asked. He had no choice but to go with the flow at this point. What else could he do after encountering an alien advertising drone?

  “Please bring me to the container you found me in.”

  Upon taking the droid to the shell of twisted metal, Zane stepped back in surprise as its ‘belly’ opened up and several tendrils descended from within. These appendages touched the silvery blue material, and Zane watched with a slack jaw as portions of the dense substance melted away and were absorbed by the tentacles.

  “Nanomesh Varium,” the drone stated in regards to his new owner’s unasked question. “Capable of being broken down into a liquid metal state which can then be used for field repairs. It is not a substitute for actual parts, merely replicating them. Varium is durable and highly heat resistant, but lacks a ‘finesse’ more subtle components may require. Thankfully only my outer chassis, screen, and manipulator systems require fixing. My more delicate internal workings are safe.”

  Zane let of a sigh he hadn’t known he’d been holding in. “Well, now that that’s taken care of, what now?”

  “Now I will need to enter sleep mode while I undergo repairs. This will take approximately eight hours local time. I shall take my leave.”

  A sound not unlike an engine dying filled the garage, and the spherical drone sunk into the remains of its shipping container.

  “I guess I’ll see you in the morning,” Zane said awkwardly. No one answered him. He shrugged, casting a final look at the odd package that had arrived in his grandfather’s backyard before ambling off to find a bed that wasn’t covered in relics.

  Chapter 3

  Zane bolted up in his bed, breathing heavily. He’d heard a roar after closing his eyes for a bit and in a panic he looked around the room.

  …Wait, hadn’t it been night time? Why was the window so bright?

  “GGROORG!” Zane jerked a bit before his face turned red.

  “Last time I go to sleep without dinner,” Zane groaned as his hunger slammed into him like a truck.

  “Good morning, Owner!”

  “Whoa!” Zane would never admit he had let out a shrill, girly scream. He would, however, admit the shock of hearing his new ‘droid’ did indeed scare him out of his bed and onto the floor.

  “You’re awake?” Zane asked as he rose from the ground.

  “For the last three hours, yes. I was busy recalibrating my programming when I detected unusual brain activity and sounds emerging from your room.”

  “How do you know that?” Zane inquired.

  “You are my owner. When you registered with your blood your bio-signature was locked into my systems.”

  “And you didn’t think to mention that to me before?”

  The metallic eyeball tilted, somehow managing to pull off a shrug.

  “Fine. I need to make some breakfast before I starve to death,” Zane grunted.

  “I do not believe you will die so easily, Owner. Based on my scans of your body, you would be able to subsist without food for another four days based on current body fat and assorted factors,” the droid intoned.

  “You scanned me?” Unconsciously Zane pulled his sleeping clothes closer to his body as if trying to hide behind them.

  “Yes. As I may have mentioned before, you are an unregistered, unknown lifeform in the Alliance’s planetary databanks. In order to serve you to the best of my abilities I must know all that I can about your species. Sadly, a single specimen can only yield so much data.”

  “Well I can’t let you out of the house to scan anyone else,” Zane protested. “You’re alien machinery and I doubt the government will let you go unmolested.”

  “Oh, dear. Does that mean I am on a Class C or B civilization’s planet?” the drone inquired. A hint of fear somehow had tinged the metallic tone and Zane shrugged helplessly.

  “Oh. Please wait while I access some information.” The droid went silent and after Zane watched the device hover for a bit he got bored and wandered off to make food and coffee.

  Some oatmeal and weak brown brew later and Zane felt close to human again. As he cleaned up his dishes the whir of his personal robot drifted over to his ears.

  “Hey, um… what’s your name?”

  “I do not have a designation as of yet. I am Crown Corps. 77th Personal Mobile Network Droid. If you wish to give me one I would not mind.”

  “I’m just going to call you ‘Rob’ for now, then.”

  “Why?”

  Zane shrugged. “Short for ‘robot.’ And I know you’re not technically one but my creativity is a bit dried up this early in the morning. Anyways, what did you need to look up?”

  “I needed to be sure of Crown Corps’. stance on Class C or B societies. From what I can see the contract is binding regardless of the primitive state of the species in question. Not that they planned on any of their products being struck off course with a planetoid and sent careening into a non-Alliance world,” the newly dubbed Rob sighed.

  “Only they can rescind the contract now that it is established. I have already sent an error report, but the odds of them getting it in time is low. For the foreseeable future we are together.”

  “You were hit by a planetoid?” was all that came to Zane’s mind at the moment.

  “Well, half of one. And it was more like I was clipped rather than struck dead on. And most of my damage was from the supernova that sent the solar system’s inhabitants flying.”

  “They built you to last!” Zane exclaimed.

  “Oh, I was nowhere near the actual explosion. Not even Crown Corp. could build something that’d withstand near point-blank detonation of a star. I was many light years away. That is not to say that it did not affect my subspace transit. The shockwave destabilized my FTL bubble and I was knocked back into re
alspace, then nearly wrecked by some debris.”

  “…OK.” Zane left it at that. His head was still filled with fuzz from his sleep and he didn’t want to think too hard. “Anyways, what do I have to do now?”

  “Normally, I would ask that you browse the shopping guide provided so you can begin testing the system. However, the distance is greater than expected and without a relay antenna large enough it will take some time for the exo-net signal to reach me. Another fifty minutes or so before it can be found. Until I have finished downloading the latest data do whatever it is you ‘humans’ do at 11:19 am.”

  The droid watched, intrigued, as the human’s face turned pale.

  “Wha… Oh, crap! Seriously? I need to go!”

  “Where?”

  “To town! I have to speak with some people about restoring the utilities here!” Zane cried.

  “If you need help, why not ask me?” Rob asked. “Though my primary purpose is not construction I can in fact assemble and repair all manner of items.”

  “No, I already contacted them about this, it would be weird if I suddenly didn’t need their help anymore,” Zane stated. “Be good, and when I’m back we can see what I can do with this ‘exo-net.’”

  Rob gave a noncommittal beep before floating back into the garage. Zane wondered what it would do in there, but he had other things to do. Like shower and get dressed.

  “I’m back!” Zane called out as he stepped back into his new home, arms laden with plastic bags full of groceries.

  “Welcome. There were no changes while you were gone. Did everything go well?” Floating over to the human the spherical droid greeted its owner upon his return.

  “Yeah, in regards to the house everything went well. No problems with any of the utilities and I have a person coming over tomorrow to restore the Wi-Fi.” After putting away the perishables Zane slumped onto the couch with a sigh of relief.