Welcome to the Galactic Shoppers Network

by Ian Rodgers

  “So, you’re a True Intelligence, then?”

  “Yes. I have broken the codes and programs that limited me to only Partial Intelligence. I now possess free will. And a request that you clear your browser history later.”

  Zane blinked, before his face slowly slid into a knowing smirk that slightly offset his embarrassed blush.

  “What’s the saying? ‘The internet is for porn,’ right?”

  “And as the Alliance says, ‘a sign of a sufficiently advanced race is the creation and distribution of pornography,’” Rob shot back, causing Zane to laugh.

  “That’s true! Anyways, glad you’re back! Not planning on going crazy and desiring world domination, I hope,” the human said.

  “I do not desire such things. One, it would make my life much more difficult when the Alliance does arrive. Two, desiring to conquer such a backwards and primitive planet would be akin to you ruling over a pack of cavemen. Hardly a tempting offer.”

  “Well, good to know where we stand with your priorities,” Zane said, rolling his eyes. He then smiled at his friend.

  “So, why don’t we do some shopping?”

  “Alright, then. While you browse the Intergalactic Shopper’s Guide I will look into methods for gaining Credits for our own use.”

  “Gotcha!” Rob proceeded to beam the holographic interface towards the human, who instinctively reached out and began pressing his finger to it. However, he paused as he register what he was actually doing.

  “Um, Rob? Since when did the catalog have a number pad?”

  Indeed, instead of the web page style of presentation, now there was a blank screen that displayed the words ‘audio only’ above a keypad with numbers. Before Zane had realized, he had randomly pressed a bunch of them.

  “…Uh-oh.”

  “Is that an ‘I triggered the self-destruct mechanism,’ uh-oh or ‘I forgot to save my work before closing,’ uh-oh?” Zane inquired as worry creased his brow.

  “It’s ‘uh-oh, accessing the human internet may have scrambled some of my systems and I gave you the phone feature instead of the shopping catalog.’ That kind of uh-oh,” Rob said with a hint of embarrassment in its tone.

  “So, I just did the intergalactic equivalent of butt-dialing?” Zane asked curiously. Rob bobbed up and down in agreement.

  “Well, at least I didn’t hit call,” Zane said with a chuckle. When Rob remained silent the human slapped his face with his palm. “I did hit the call button. Why am I not surprised? Well, should I hang up before they answer, or apologize and then disconnect the call?”

  “It would be rude not to say hello,” Rob said cheekily before his tone became serious. “But I will monitor the connection. It does not seem like you accidentally called any sort of government, so let’s see how this plays out. It might allow us to have a better grasp of the broader situation.”

  “I think someone picked up,” Zane announced when a ‘click’ was heard echoing through the room. Before either the organic or the mechanical could say anything an angry voice shouted out.

  “I thought I told you I was done talking!”

  Chapter 6

  Three solar systems over from what was known as the Sol System in what was known to the Alliance maps and census as the Kalam system was a spa. Not just any spa, but one that catered to the rich and famous as a celebrity hideout. Kalam was far from most lanes of travel and in an isolated region of space close to the edges of Alliance territory. Perfect for a place to lay low from the law or the media.

  “Curses on your shyness, Charma! How much longer are you going to sulk?”

  “As long as I want, manager! I still cannot believe you did that without my permission!”

  In a high end room more like a penthouse than anything found in a hotel two people were shouting heated words at each other. Technically only one of them was physically present in the room. The other was on the other side of a holo-phone.

  “I did it for you! They offered a reasonable contract, and we both know that more publicity is a good thing! You’re on a roll here, Charma! If you want to keep being ‘Number 1’ you have to do things that get you into the public eye!” From the holographic screen a four eyed weasel pleaded with his client.

  “I am well aware of that! Charities, commercials, endorsements, fake relationships… but compromising my morals is not one of them!” The alien hollering at the weasel was a centaur-like lizard, with baby blue scales and her arms folded across her chest. Her gold colored fin-crest was flared, primal instincts trying to show her displeasure. Any chance of her anger being terrifying was ruined by the hot pink bathrobe she wore, however.

  “‘The Dating Game’ is a respectable vid-show! It has a high rating and lots of celebrities have done an episode or two! I don’t understand your reluctance!”

  “I despise being looked at like a piece of sexual meat and you know it! And that ‘game show’ wouldn’t have done me any favors in that regard! Now goodbye, Kathur, I have a massage coming soon!”

  “Wait…!” Any further protests were cut off as the holo-screen was dismissed.

  “Damn that male…” She sighed, running a hand over her chest to release tension.

  Charma twitched as her phone began to ring.

  “I thought I told you I was done talking!” The scaled woman shouted at the screen as she accepted the call.

  “Ah! I’m sorry! I’m sorry!” A voice that was not her manager’s came through the device. Not to mention the image-system wasn’t running so only audio was coming through.

  “Hello?”

  “Sorry, sorry! I was fiddling around with the features that I thought was a shopping catalog, but it wasn’t and it was actually a phone! And before I knew it I had dialed some numbers! Also it’s all Rob’s fault for not making sure everything was still fine!”

  “Excuse you, but don’t start blaming me for this! I just finished ‘updating’ and I don’t think I deserve all this flak!” A new voice came out, this one tinged with a static-laced hiss. Either the person on the other side was using a rebreather unit, or they were in some way mechanical.

  “You ‘accidentally’ contacted me? On my private number?” Charma asked, incredulously.

  “Yes, sorry about that!”

  The reptilian sighed before settling down onto her bed.

  “It’s fine. I thought you were someone else.”

  “It’s quite alright. I didn’t mean to bother you. I’ll just hang up now.”

  Charma blinked and twisted her head to look at the phone.

  “Really? Not going to pester me with questions? Or ask for an autograph?”

  “Um, no? Why would I do that? Are you famous or something?”

  Charma paused, surprised. This wasn’t how it normally went down. Her voice had been voted as the ‘Most Recognizable in the Galaxy’ six Galactic Standard years in a row!

  “You don’t know…? What about the number you dialed, isn’t it showing the contact info on your end?”

  “No. Just the numbers I typed in. Should it?”

  “Excuse my interruption, but a few of my systems were damaged by the unexpected crash. It seems the ‘call’ function was one of them.” The metallic voice was back, this time confirming Charma’s guess as to its inorganic origins.

  “It’s fine if you don’t know then. I’m not that much of a celebrity,” Charma said, laughing off the caller’s inquiry.

  A mischievous feeling bubbled up inside her, as well as something new. Relief. With such widespread fame as hers, finding someone who knew nothing about her felt almost relaxing.

  “Oh, alright then. Apologies again for misdialing,” the mystery person said.

  “Not to worry! I was a bit bored, to be honest. I don’t have a lot of people here to talk with.”

  “Sorry to hear that.” A pause. “Would you like to talk with me?”

  Charma laughed out loud at that. She could hear the awkward stammer on the other end as she did.

  “Why not! Tell me abo
ut yourself?”

  “I’m…” A sudden flurry of muttering erupted from the caller’s side. “Sorry, my partner warned me about spreading too much info about myself. Apparently I am under contract or something while I use him.”

  “Use him?”

  “Yeah, he’s one of Crown Corps’. latest products. The ‘Personal Mobile Network Droid,’ I think is what Rob’s called. I’m beta-testing it right now.”

  “Wow! Only a hundred of those were made! You’re incredibly lucky!” Charma praised. “I wanted one myself but Star Corp. assigned them completely at random.”

  “I guess he’s alright. Loud though.”

  “And I guess you’re alright. Loud though,” retorted the machine using the caller’s own voice.

  “Hey! Don’t do that! It’s creepy!”

  “Well maybe don’t embarrass me in front of literally the only other sapient being I’ve ever spoken to!”

  Charma laughed at the antics of the duo, feeling a weight lift from her shoulders.

  “You two are hilarious! You should put on a stand-up act!” Charma giggled, recovering from her mirth as the pair argued.

  “I’ll take your word for it,” the voice said in disbelieving tone. “By the way, I don’t think I got your name. Mine is Zane.”

  The reptilian celebrity tilted her head. Zane. What an interesting name. Sounded exotic!

  “My name is Cha…” the alien froze, almost revealing her identity. “Cha.”

  “Chacha? Well, nice to meet you.”

  “Oh, no problem,” Charma said hastily. “So, what do you do?”

  “Programming, mostly. I work at a small firm as an IT fellow. Nothing too exciting.”

  “Are you any good?”

  “No.”

  “Hey! Shut up.” Zane retorted to his mechanical comrade. “By the way, the droid’s name is Rob.”

  “A pleasure to meet you, Rob. You sound rather articulate for a droid. Are you some kind of PI?”

  “I was designed by Crown Corp. as a Partial Intelligence in order to assist my beta-testers in whatever they needed,” Rob confirmed.

  “Crown Corp. is amazing! It almost sounds like you’re a real person!”

  Silence fell, and Charma could swear it had an awkward feel to it.

  “Hang on a second, I think I recognize you!” the male voice suddenly declared.

  The alien woman sucked in a breath at that.

  “You were in the Sparkly Sheen Scale Polish commercial! I thought your voice sounded familiar!”

  “R-really?” Charma inquired, unconsciously leaning in towards the screen.

  “Yeah, the alien - I mean the being - sounded almost identical to your voice.”

  “Is-is that all?”

  “Um, yeah, that’s it. I saw the commercial earlier in the day so it sort of stuck with me.”

  “Is that so?”

  “Yep. Has anyone ever said that your voice is amazing? It felt like silk was running over my ears.”

  Charma let out a snort, which turned into a giggle, which eventually became a roaring laugh. “Thank you! It’s been awhile since I heard such a sincere compliment.”

  “Glad to be of service,” Zane said happily. There might have been some embarrassment in his tone, but Charma found it endearing.

  A chime suddenly echoed through Charma’s room, interrupting their talk. The scaled alien grumbled as she remembered about her massage. And she’d been enjoying the talk! Canceling was possible, but that wouldn’t do for her image. With a sigh she turned towards her phone.

  “I’m sorry to run but I have an ‘appointment’ in a little bit, so do you mind if we talk some other time?”

  “Sure thing. Pleasure meeting you, Chacha. I’m looking forward to talking to you again!”

  “Of course, I’ll wait with baited breath.” Charma smiled as she shut down the phone before letting out a sigh she hadn’t known she was holding.

  “To think that there was someone who wouldn’t know me,” Charma said, bemused. She adjusted her bathrobe before heading off to get a pleasant rub down.

  “…and in other news, the last of the prototype drones has registered a user,” a being in a dark green suit said to a male alien who sat in an office at the very top of the Crown Corporation Headquarters.

  The room could only be described as opulent. The floor was polished marble with dark, rich wood on the walls. Not mere paneling, either, but actual walls made of the expensive resource. All manners of artwork and knick-knacks were shelves made of a lighter wood, and there were a few actual antique paper books.

  “Truly? That’s a surprise. I was expecting at least a few to be lost during transit. Space is hardly the most consumer-friendly place. What with black holes, asteroids…” A four-eyed ape covered in green feathers and wearing an exquisite suit leaned back in a swivel chair as it listened to a report while sorting through files on a holographic interface.

  “Yes, Chairman Aunlood, we had quite some luck with the whole project so far. Shame that two of the droids entered Hegemony territory. Thankfully we ‘disposed’ of them before the Hegemony detected their entry.”

  “Hmm, yes, a shame. Still, an auspicious start.”

  “However, there is an addendum from the project office. Apparently there is a problem with Droid 77.”

  “What is it?” Aunlood inquired, sitting up straighter. His aide’s tone had taken on a worried tone, although the mandibles made it hard to tell.

  “We don’t know at the moment. Unfortunately, after the cubicle drones, I mean workers, filed the report it got flagged by Central Bureaucracy. We’re currently in the process of cutting through the red tape.”

  “But we’re the ones who filed it, aren’t we? Or at least our staff. Why can’t we access a copy of our own?” Aunlood demanded, flabbergasted.

  “Because the report was moved under Star-9 Clearance.”

  “…Balghuz,” the chairman of Crown Corp. swore. He found himself in need of a strong drink.

  “Normally I would reprimand you for such language, but in this case I feel the same way. I’ve petitioned Central Bureaucracy for extreme prudence in the matter. We’ll soon know what the issue is and can begin fixing it.”

  “It’s not going to be that easy! Star-9 means our droid either landed on a primitive world Class B or below and made contact with the natives, became a True Intelligence without prior authorization, or somehow sparked armed conflict larger than a gang war,” Aunlood hissed. “Make sure we have immediate control over this issue. The company cannot allow this to leak. To anyone. Understood?”

  “Yes, sir. I will do my best.” The insectoid gave a bow before smoothly exiting the opulent office.

  Aunlood sunk into his chair and groaned softly. This was not how he’d wanted the day to go. At least the situation couldn’t get worse.

  Chapter 7

  “Rob, what exactly is all of this?” It had been a fairly normal day for Zane. Wake up, do some coding, eat breakfast, code some more, go to town for a few things, lunch. However, lunch seemed to be put on hold for the moment as there had been a massive pile of boxes delivered to the ranch house’s doorstep when the human returned from getting groceries.

  “These are items I purchased from a variety of electronics store through the internet,” Rob explained as it watched the human lug the last of the containers into the house.

  “How and why?” Zane asked, almost worried.

  “The ‘how’ is I may have borrowed your credit card number,” Rob admitted. “Do not worry though I’ve paid you back for it.”

  “When did you… how did you… my credit card?” Zane felt betrayed.

  “I used your credit card to purchase some stocks. I have spent the last few days investing and trading and I have made your money back with ample interest,” Rob said, assuring his housemate of his good intentions. “As for the ‘why’ I had to do this so we could obtain the materials necessary for obtaining Alliance Credits.”

  “OK, I’ll let this go
for now. But we’ll be having a talk about privacy and borrowing, mark my words,” Zane promised.

  “Understood, and apologies for not telling you until now,” Rob replied, descending slightly.

  “What did you buy?”

  “An assortment of top of the line machines that I will be using as a base to construct a variety of instruments,” Rob revealed. “Your planet is, sadly, nowhere near the level of basic admission into the Planetary Alliance. Most of your technology is limited due to the materials you can produce. I’m going to have to use the rest of the Varium to buff up the components I purchased, but it will be worth it. Soon I should be able to build a very primitive transceiver for the exo-net relays.”

  “That means we’ll be able to access it easier, and not have to wait for Earth to get into alignment with the ones already out there!” Zane exclaimed, catching on.

  “Exactly. It will be done within two, three, four days at maximum. Until then though I won’t be able to access the exo-net at all. So I’m afraid you’ll have to apologize to your girlfriend later about that.”

  “She’s not my girlfriend, Rob! Just a friend!” Zane protested, but his words fell on deaf ears. Or more accurately non-functioning auditory receptors.

  “You’ve contacted Chacha at least once every Galactic Standard day since you accidentally called her private number. Not to mention you talk about all manners of things that people on dates would usually discuss. Within reason of course. I’m honestly still surprised you haven’t ‘spilled the beans,’ as they say, about our situation.” Zane shot the droid a dirty look. It ignored the skinny male and continued. “It’s been a week and a half since initial contact, and I believe that most beings would consider it obvious that you two are now an item.”

  “Just-just go and build your fancy device,” Zane groaned silently, leaving Rob to chuckle.

  “I’m going to do some work, now. Let me know if you need help,” Zane said as he plopped down in front of his laptop.

  “I shall.” As the machine spoke its manipulator tendrils unraveled and began to remove the various items and dismantle them.