Welcome to the Galactic Shoppers Network

by Ian Rodgers

  The ad stopped play and the human raised a sweaty hand to click the screen away.

  “What exactly was that?” Zane asked, hand over his chest as he felt his heartbeat stabilize.

  “‘That’ would be a Korona, a race of psychics like the Ial and generally considered to be extremely beautiful even without their instinctive, nigh supernatural allure,” Rob replied calmly.

  “No, I mean, why would you choose that particular commercial to show me?” Zane demanded.

  The illegally modified droid paused for a nanosecond as it thought its answer.

  “Honestly, if you want to even have a chance with your not-girlfriend, you’ll need every advantage you can get. Not to be crass, but I doubt you would inspire lust in anything short of a damp sponge.”

  Zane somehow managed to both blush and go pale. He unconsciously looked down at his waistline, heart sinking as he realized his belt had gone out a few notches since he’d moved to Colorado. A sedentary rural life had gotten him a little soft over the months.

  “Alright, you want me to exercise? Fine. But you can’t watch your Hype-Mega whatever show until I get back into shape.”

  “Blackmail and cruel treatment!” Rob protested. Zane laughed like a dime store villain and walked away to find some dumbbells.

  Once his human was gone Rob descended, his hover unit’s whine changing with the shift in altitude. It had a lot on its mind.

  The droid knew exactly who ‘Chacha’ really was. How could it not? The Sparkly Sheen commercial had clearly labeled her name, and a quick look through the exo-net revealed her to be a well-known celebrity.

  But its owner – no, its friend – was not the sharpest tool in the shed for all his skills with programming and computer sciences. Zane was trusting, and Rob tried his damnedest not to abuse that.

  Yet the droid knew. Charma Karzenk was her true name. And she somehow also found the human intriguing. He was the one acting as the phone, so of course it would pick up on the subtle tells!

  …It felt weird to not have to refer to itself as an ‘it’ any more. The revelations that came with free will were a lot to take in.

  Rob groaned to itself in binary. Charma was an idol who wanted to be treated like a normal person, and Zane was, by the laws of the Alliance, an intergalactic criminal whose charges would put him away for life in a maximum security jail. And the poor, overworked drone had to keep both of their secrets.

  The TI briefly wondered if the human ideology of ‘girls like bad boys’ was a universal aspect of sapient organic life. It was also curious as to how humans could be attracted to other intelligent beings without ever having encountered alien life. Rob blamed their creativity. And their porn.

  “Well, what did you think?”

  “I’ll admit, it was better than I thought it’d be.” The weekend had rolled around, and after being pestered by Rob Zane finally caved and agreed to watch a few episodes of Hyper-Mega Fun-Time Soldier Squad. That had quickly turned into an entire season. Then a second.

  He had finally called it quits halfway through Season Three because he had things to do. Like housework. And coding work. And getting ready for trick or treaters.

  A sigh warbled through the air as Zane thought over what he had to do that day. But his self-pity was interrupted by a ringing sound coming from Rob.

  “You have a call,” it said and Zane rolled his eyes before accepting.

  “Hey Chacha, what’s up? I haven’t heard from you for a while, is everything alright?”

  “Yes, things are going well, Zane. Though I am about to leave the spa unfortunately,” Chacha said. The azure Dren’s angelic voice made the human smile. After several days without speaking to the alien he was glad to hear her again.

  “Well, at least you had a good vacation while it lasted,” Zane comforted, noting the disappointed tone in her voice.

  “Heh, yeah, that’s right.” She didn’t sound convinced, and Zane leaned in unconsciously towards the screen.

  “Chacha, is something else wrong?”

  A long, tense pause filled the air before she let out a grunt.

  “Zane, what are we?”

  “Pardon?”

  “Are we friends? Or, are we something more?”

  Zane blinked slowly before realization dawned on him.

  “You’re asking if we are a couple or not. Or willing to be one.”

  More silence, then a hesitant, whispered, “yes.”

  “I-I don’t know. Chacha, I really like talking with you. You’re funny and smart, and have an amazing voice that always sounds upbeat. But could we really be anything more than that? For one, we’re different species. Two, I live in a very ‘delicate’ situation right now, so us being together might not be for the best.”

  “You sound like you’re afraid of being found out,” Chacha said. “I know that feeling as well. I truly do. And if you can’t answer right now, that’s fine. I don’t know if I could either. Things are difficult on my end as well. And confusing. But I have to know: do you trust me? Could we make it work?”

  Zane was silent for a long time, chewing his lower lip while wringing his hands. He turned to Rob hoping for advice, but the droid remained motionless. The decision was all in his lap.

  Heart throbbing with a dozen different emotions, Zane reached out and pressed a button on the side of the call-screen. A loading screen appeared, and after a few seconds of buffering he came face to face with Chacha for the first time.

  Her facial expression took on a very human one of surprise while her crest flipped up instinctively. Her eyes were pink. That was the first detail Zane noticed. And they were staring at him in surprise and wonder. She hadn’t recoiled in shock or horror, which was a good thing in the human’s opinion.

  “This is me,” Zane said, throwing his arms wide in a mockery of showmanship. “Zane Pendon. Human. Fairly average guy. Nice to properly meet you, Chacha.”

  “It’s nice to meet you, too,” the Dren said slowly. “And actually, my real name is Charma Karzenk. It’s a pleasure to finally see you in person.”

  The two stared at each other for a long time before the undercover idol smiled weakly.

  “I look forward to speaking with you again. Unfortunately my schedule is rather cramped in the coming months. We can still text each other, though?” Her statement came out more as a desperate question, and Zane nodded happily, feeling a moment of lightheartedness lift up his fallen spirits.

  “Of course. I’ll write at least once a GS day, Charma,” Zane offered, stumbling a bit over her new, or rather, her actual name. His kinda-sorta-maybe girlfriend nodded as well, an eager and relieved grin showing off her sharp pearly whites.

  “Yes! Thank you, Zane. And, I don’t mind if you call me ‘Chacha.’” Her crest was doing some interesting movements and it mesmerized the human for a moment before he broke out.

  “Of course. I guess I’ll see you soon?”

  “Yup! Bye, Zane! And thank you so much!” With a wave and a smile the reptilian alien hung up.

  As the monotone beep of a disconnected line filled the house, Zane looked at his droid.

  “I think you did what you had to do, Zane,” Rob assured its friend. Zane nodded in thanks before rising up from his seat.

  “I’ve got things to do, buddy. Come on and help me with the dusting. You can reach those hard to get spots.”

  “And you are certain it has made a purchase?”

  “It has made a transaction with the shopping system. Not to mention we think Droid 77 has contacted Gangmoon for their ‘discreet’ delivery services. Whoever now possesses our product might be using them as an intermediary.”

  Chairman and CEO Aunlood of Crown Corporation nodded slowly. He folded his hands upon his desk and looked his assistant in the eye.

  “What exactly is the progress in Central Bureaucracy? Are we any closer to finding its location?”

  He had not expected the red tape to be this obnoxiously tangled around one of his own products. Had he
known, he would have fought tooth and nail to make the Privacy Stipulations in their test a lot less stringent. But, as the famous Sculdori saying went, “Of course it’s obvious in hindsight, dumdum.” Not ones for mincing words, those Sculdor.

  “Unfortunately, sir, we have made little headway. In fact, it appears we may have taken a step back,” the aide replied, mandibles clicking irritably.

  “The original report was filed under the Bureau of Transgalactic Business due to it coming from our own company. But then it was shunted over to the Office for Extraterrestrial Affairs when it was seen that the issue was one involving a possible Class B planet. But then the report was seen by some flunky from Intergalactic Relations and Regulations which has now caused the whole issue to be bogged down as the two departments argue over who has jurisdiction.”

  “Would it be too much of a hassle to just have the Board call for a Vote of No Confidence in order to get me out of this mess?” Aunlood all but begged. The feathered primate could swear he saw a vicious twinkle in one of the Hixi’s six eyes.

  “I’m afraid not sir. Partly because the Board already knows and is letting you stew, and partly because that would just mean more paperwork.”

  The business magnate leaned back in his chair and longingly gazed out the window. It would be so easy to try and make a break for it. He could throw his desk at the window and climb out while his secretary was distracted…

  “Please don’t try and escape by using collateral damage as a smokescreen,” the insectoid deadpanned and Aunlood jolted in his seat.

  “I knew it! You do have psychic powers! You can read my mind!”

  “Hardly, I just know you well enough to recognize when you’re thinking about something ridiculous,” Secretary Taraki smoothly responded to the accusatory pointing finger.

  The CEO slumped back into his seat and buried his face with his hands. “So, what do we do now?”

  “We wait. And while we do so, I have some documents that need your signature…”

  Chapter 10

  “Trick or treat!”

  “Well, well, well, what have we here?” Zane said in what he hoped was a creepy tone. Judging from the giggles some of the children and a few of their guardians gave, it wasn’t.

  Zane smiled none the less and looked over the current group at his stand. Because there were a number of people living outside of the main area of Plainsburg, the people who lived out in the more rural areas came into town and set up booths at the community rec center for Halloween. Partly because it was deemed “too dangerous” to let children wander about at night when individual houses were fairly distant from each other. And partly because it gave a chance for those same people to meet up with each other and chat.

  “I see a robot, an eagle, a cowboy, and a fairy?”

  “No! I’m a super-vampire-fairy-godmother!” the youngest of the trick or treaters pouted. Zane raised an eyebrow at that and her adorable mishmash costume but decided to just hand out candy in the end. One fun sized box of Sour Buttons, and one fun sized chocolate bar for each kid.

  “What are you supposed to be?” The young fairy-girl demanded once she had her treats.

  “I’m Dracula, or at least the Boris Karloff version,” Zane said, showing off his cape, fake fangs, and slick black hair. More sounds of amusement came from the people around him at his pose.

  “I’m glad to see you’re getting along well with the folks around here,” a slightly older man said to Zane as the group near him moved off.

  “Thanks, it’s nice to see all the different costumes,” Zane replied.

  “No, I meant that we don’t often see you, except out and about for groceries or the like,” the man said. Zane felt a stab of guilt at that. He knew he was coming very close to be a shut-in, and definitely came off as anti-social to such a close-knit community.

  Encountering an alien device and becoming a kinda-sorta-maybe intergalactic fugitive hadn’t helped, either.

  “Yeah, I suppose I have been a bit bad with that,” Zane admitted, rubbing the back of his head sheepishly. “From the new product at work I’m trying to get finished to just dealing with Gramps’ house, it’s been a tad overwhelming. Not an excuse, though.”

  “At least you’ve seen the error of your ways,” the man said in a pleased tone, and patted the younger one on the shoulder.

  “Yeah. Sorry, I can’t really take your ‘solemn’ tone seriously with you wearing those,” Zane said apologetically as he eyed the neon pink deelie-boppers worn proudly on the older man’s head.

  He laughed, waving off Zane’s words. “Completely understandable! But, when my daughter wants me to wear them, who am I to deny her?”

  “I take it she’s the super-vampire-fairy girl?” Zane guessed, jerking her head over at the pink clad child.

  “Good eye. Yup, that’s her alright. So, nice to finally meet you.”

  “Zane Pendon. I think we met at Gramps’ funeral.”

  “Just call me Mike. I run the repair shop-slash-garage. And I knew William Pendon through your dad. He was a close friend of mine, we met in kindergarten and the rest is history. Will was also a great guy. He was always helpful and treated me like part of the family. I looked up to him as a mentor. Hard to believe he lasted a whole century,” Mike said, taking the offered handshake.

  “I still say that it was the shock of realizing he’d done it that did him in,” Zane said with a hint of sorrow in his chuckle.

  “Could be, could be. By the way, your mother didn’t happen to throw out any of his, um, ‘collection,’ did she?” Mike inquired, saddling over.

  “Veronica convinced mom that she could find a guy in LA who’d want to purchase those sorts of ‘antiques,’” Zane assured the man and a weight seemed to rise from the mechanic’s shoulders.

  “You didn’t hear it from me, but Will’s collection was legendary around the county. Plus, he was always happy to share and show off. I think most of the people in Plainsburg had their first encounter with ‘adult entertainment’ thanks to his stuff.”

  “Why are you telling me this? Now I have an image of Gramps passing out porno mags in place of candy for past Halloweens!” Zane protested.

  “Oh, you didn’t know? He totally did that for a while. Until some of the parents got mad so he gave them away as Christmas presents.”

  “How was he an upstanding member of the community again?” Zane mused. He wondered if the aliens made something like brain-bleach to wipe out unwanted mental images.

  “Oh, Will was a grandfather and uncle to everyone in Plainsburg,” Mike said as he reminisced. “Of course, it wasn’t just his ‘collection’ that made him famous. He was also an avid believer of alien life.”

  “Is that so?” A chill ran down Zane’s spine and he couldn’t figure out why.

  “Yeah, but he wasn’t one of the kooky conspiracy nuts. He just acted like he knew they were out there. His belief could never be shaken on that one point. That, of course, they’d be out there when we someday decided to visit them, because, as he told me, ‘it’d be real lonely otherwise.’”

  “That does sound like Gramps,” Zane agreed with a fond smile.

  More short people in costumes began to appear, and Mike waved farewell before heading back to his spot. Zane then smiled down at the cute children who approached him and he prepared the candy. He just hoped he had enough.

  “Did you have a good time?” Rob’s voice rang out towards Zane as he stumbled inside. It was one in the morning, so the human felt only a twinge of pitifulness as he smacked his head on the door as he walked into his house.

  “Yeah, I did. There were a lot of cute kids, and I met some pleasant people,” Zane revealed. “I also learned I may have been acting like a jerk, at least in their eyes. Remind me to spend more time outside.”

  “I was wondering when you’d realize you were becoming a recluse,” the droid said and Zane frowned.

  “If you knew, why didn’t you tell me?”

  “Me? The alien robot
telling you how to be a human? Perish the thought,” Rob said in an exaggerated tone. “How am I supposed to know the nuances of your culture and community?”

  “Don’t make me shove you into the closet again,” Zane threatened, and the droid settled down.

  “Anything new on your end?” the human asked as he stripped off his costume.

  “The delivery drone will be here tomorrow at midnight. Or rather, today, at midnight,” Rob said.

  “And the lumber is all packed and ready to go?”

  “Yes, it is. And I did manage to get Gangmoon to provide one of the medi-scanners you wanted in exchange for a smaller cut this time.”

  “Sounds good.”

  Zane stretched, trying to get a crick out of his back. “Wake me when it’s noon, alright? I have a date with something soft and pillow-like. Hint, it’s a pillow.”

  “Don’t make Charma jealous now, Zane.”

  Zane responded to Rob’s teasing with a raised finger. The middle one, to be precise.

  As Zane snuggled down into the fluffy covers of his bed, a few thoughts couldn’t help but invade his attempts to sleep. The loudest and largest: what if his grandfather had encountered alien life before?

  The human snorted at that and tried to clear his mind. As if!

  “Thank you for your continued patronage. Gangmoon Discreet Delivery Services extends to you a fond farewell. Have a nice day.”

  The automated delivery droid quickly returned to the sky after picking up the willow, leaving a human and droid alone in a field. Only one of the pair was paying any attention to the departing vehicle. It was the inorganic being of the duo, to be precise.