by Bry Ann
A while later Rex, Sam, Logan and I were in the hallway talking, waiting for Dana to come out. Well, they were chatting, and I was trying to avoid the way Rex was scrutinizing me. As if it wasn’t hard enough I had to act like I hadn’t just spent the last couple days self-destructing, having Rex read me so easily made the task impossible. I became self-conscious of the red tinge of my skin, the dark circles under my eyes and the weight I had gained. I was falling apart at the seams and on the verge of people noticing. There’s only so much you can hide. Even I knew that.
If I hadn’t been so preoccupied with my own problems I would noticed the fragility in Dana’s stance. As it was, I didn’t notice and asked her about her night with Gunner. I saw him sneaking into her room the night before. That conversation led to her having a full on emotional breakdown. It sounds so fucking selfish, because I was genuinely worried about her, but it really triggered me. Her meltdown was so similar to the one I had at Rex’s years ago; the violence, the destruction, the dissociation. All of it was so similar. Sam, Logan and I helped her as much as possible, but, really, we got the one person we knew could get through to her. Gunner. He was our only hope to break her out of her mental prison... because she was losing it. She was lost in a flashback and on the verge of a nervous breakdown. While Gunner was with her the whole rest of the crew tried to process what was going on with her. What triggered it. How we could help her in the future. I felt like such a bitch, but I just wanted out of there. I can admit I was jealous. Dana’s pain would end. Mine wouldn’t. I was jealous of her ability to express, to let go, to let people help her.
That said, I left them all as soon as I could. Since Jazzy was now in town I had been watching her some nights when Sam’s nightmares were really bad. I was tired and only had a few hours before the little munchkin was with me again. I had to pull myself together before then. I could not let Jazmine see me as anything other than the strong willed, fun Alexa she knew. Even if it was a lie. It was a lie I was willing to keep up forever for her. I first went to my room and paced around aimlessly, then I ripped up a bunch of paper, trying to resist the urge to take a scalding hot shower. My skin was already red and raw from my most recent shower.
When nothing seemed to work I decided to go for a run. It was something I rarely did anymore, but when I was working for Pytor I used to go for these all out runs where I ran until I puked. It was a way of distracting my mind by delving into what my body was capable of. I so desperately needed that disconnect now.
I passed Rex on the way out, of course. He coked an eyebrow when he saw my workout apparel. God, he knew me too fucking well. He knew I would only run if I had some sort of sick intention behind it. Of course, neither of said anything to one another. I suspected we were both barely hanging on. Rex was only here for Gunner, and I now understood why.
Three days passed. It was a haze of useless activities. Activities that should have helped us bond. They should have been fun. It was rare we all go time together anymore, but the whole time I was lying. Everything I did was for show, even more than usual. Sam, Logan and Jazzy left during that time too. Bonding and then leaving... ‘tis the flow of life. That left me, Dana, Gunner and Rex. Sam demanded I keep an eye on Dana. I agreed even though I knew I was in no condition to do so. The day after Sam left I lost it. I don’t know what triggered it. It started out as me desperately needing a run. I had taken a scalding hot shower the night before and wasn’t sure how much more my skin could handle without it being totally obvious what I was doing. I could see Rex looking at my skin when he thought I wasn’t looking. He was trying to be subtle, but it was obvious. He knew. He knew what I was doing behind closed doors. He’d witnessed me doing it before and knew what to look for. He didn’t say anything about it though. He didn’t care. That hurt me. I knew it shouldn’t. I deserved it. That was the worst part.
Mia.
Anna.
All because of me.
I ran out of the hotel. As soon as my feet hit the pavement I ran and ran, coughing, choking, the burning in my lungs. It was like a momentary cleansing of the pain. The burning, the tightening of my muscles fueled me. Finally, my body wouldn’t carry me anymore. I had already circled back and found myself near a dumpster by the hotel. I dry heaved on the pavement.
That was fine. The burning, puking, choking was fine. It was when the physical pain faded that it became a problem. I crashed. Emotionally, I just broke. All the lies, deceit, secrets, my past just caught up to me. I couldn’t hide behind hot showers or ripped paper anymore. I felt like trash and the dumpster behind me just reminded me of that. My legs gave out from underneath me after vomiting behind the dumpster. I made it a few steps before falling. I cried until I couldn’t breathe. Until I couldn’t think. I felt like I was suffocating, and I wished I could stab a knife into my heart to ease the pain there. That’s how intense the pain felt. I needed it to go away. I couldn’t take it. My eyes hurt. It all hurt. I’d tucked myself into a tight little ball when I heard him approach. Now I really wanted to die.
“Alex!” he gasped. I could hear him running over to me.
“It’s Alexa you fucker,” I snapped through my tears. I knew I sounded pathetic and weak, but out of force of habit I couldn’t just admit I was down. Especially to him.
Rex crouched in front of me and touched my knee. I tried to jerk away.
“I don’t want you to touch me,” I whispered. I couldn’t handle it. It was a lie. He hated me.
Rex removed his hand but stayed crouched in front of me. I still couldn’t look up at him. Not him. Anyone but him.
“What’s wrong?”
He sounded confused, angry, worried. He had no idea how the fuck to feel about this.
“You should go.” A choked sob escaped before I could stop it, and that opened the floodgates. I cried into my knees. Unable to control it.
“Despite wishing I could, my moral code won’t allow me to leave you here crying by a dumpster.”
Those words burned me. I could give a fuck about his morals.
“You don’t care though!” I snapped, finally looking at him. “I fucked up. I fucked up so bad and lost you. Pushed you away, just like everyone else, starting with my stupid fucking father. My whole life is a lie. Even my friends don’t know the truth about me. Who I am, what I’ve had to do. Fuck him!”
The pain was too much. I couldn’t. I had to relieve myself. I turned around and punched the wall so hard I heard my bones crack. Excruciating pain shot up my arm. The emotional pain still wasn’t gone either. I couldn’t take this. Have you ever felt like the pain alone would kill you? That was how I felt in that moment.
“Fuck,” I whispered as I held my throbbing wrist. “That really, really hurt.”
I tried to tuck my hand into my body, so Rex couldn’t see it, but I was too slow.
“Jesus Alexa!” Rex reached for my hand, but I tucked it in tighter to my body and clenched my jaw. Handle the pain. I had to handle the pain.
“You need to get that looked at, it’s broken,” Rex finally said, after realizing I wasn’t going to let him help me. I didn’t want his help. I couldn’t owe him anymore than I already did. I got killed his sister and then left him. I was the one who deserved to die the death Mia did. I felt a bitter laugh escape my lips. It was all unfair.
“This is so telling. I'm angry at him for what he did to me, but I’m the only one who ends up getting hurt.” Me, and everyone I love.
“Holding resentment is like drinking poison waiting for the other person to die,” Rex recited, as if on autopilot.
I couldn’t hold in my feelings for him this time. The anger I tried to hide behind was like a dull memory. I missed him. I loved the man in front of me so much and I lost him. All me. What would happen when this was all over? He’d go on with his life and I’d go on with mine. I couldn’t do that. Not this time.
“I lost you. I hurt you. Just fucking go.”
My body fell over. I suddenly felt like so heavy, like the weight of c
arrying my body was too much to handle. There was a long silence before Rex spoke again.
“Let’s get you inside.”
“No. I’ll stay here.”
Rex’s jaw clenched.
“Jesus, Alexa! Cut me a fucking break here. Just come inside.”
Not wanting to make things harder for him I used my free arm, keeping the other one cradled into my chest, and pushed myself up to standing. I kept my head down. Rex put his hand on my lower back and ushered me inside. I ignored his hand on my back. It was tense. He was just making sure I didn’t fall apart again. I was barely holding it together in the first place, and we both knew, despite everything, he was the only one with the power to hold me together in that moment.
I wasn’t even paying attention to where I was going. My world was gray. He could have been leading me to my death and I honestly would have cared less. The only thing I truly feared was my friends seeing me like this. I knew Rex well enough to know he wouldn’t let my friends see me. He was ever the gentlemen, too kind for the petty, passive aggressive shit that most people pulled. He didn’t kick people when they were down. No matter who it was, he lifted up them until they could stand on their own.
I was led out to the parking lot and into a four-door black sedan. I sat in the passenger seat unmoving. I waited for the car to start, but it never did. Rex got in on his side and immediately turned to face me.
“Care to explain what went on over there?” His posture has tense, bordering on angry. He was trying to hold it together, but quickly failing.
I shrugged. “I punched a wall. I was upset.”
“Yeah no shit! Care to explain why you did that?”
“Not particularly. I have a lot going on right now.”
“We all have a lot going on, but most of us don’t punch walls or,” Rex grabbed my uninjured arm and slid the sleeve up my forearm, “or shower until we fucking burn ourselves. What the fuck is wrong with you? I thought you were Alexa now. A girl with no feelings. This badass chick who hangs with Logan Prescott’s crew.”
I pulled my arm away gently. He let me go. “I thought so too.”
Rex stared at me, expression blank. I wait for him to say something, he looked like he was going to, but he didn’t. He quickly turned away and started the car.
“Where are we going?”
I started to wipe the tears out from under my eyes.
“Where do you think? The hospital.”
“No please, I hate hospitals.”
I said this even though the pain in my arm was nearly unbearable and my teeth were gritted just trying to manage the excruciating pain on the entire left side of my body. Rex scoffed.
“You think I’d take you if I had another choice. Unfortunately, I’m fucked. I'm the one who found you and your hand is broken in at least a couple places. You punched a fucking brick wall Alex. My mom and sister taught me manners.”
I shut up the rest of the drive.
There were no more words said.
The only noises I heard as the car drove past building after building was the occasional inhale of my pain ridden breath and the thumping of my broken heart.
Chapter 30:
I broke several fingers and my wrist. Stellar. Just fucking stellar. My entire forearm and hand was put in a brace, which was just annoying. The worst part was I didn’t feel any better. I wanted to cause more destruction to my body, but it’d be hard enough brushing off the questions about my hand, I could not show up with any more injuries. My friends are all smart and privy to emotional pain, they’d know. The ride back was so awkward there was so much to say, yet nothing to say at all. The odds that Rex would be the one to find me were astronomical, as was me seeing him at the bar all those years ago. Apparently, the universe had a cruel game to play with both of us. I’m sure we were both thinking that.
After ten minutes of silence I had to ask him for another favor and that killed me. I wanted to keep ignoring him so that way other so when we got back to the hotel we could pretend this whole thing never happened. I felt so uncomfortable my leg started bouncing around a million miles a minute. That was Dana’s thing, not mine. I was annoyed with myself but couldn’t stop it.
“Rex, please don’t tell my friends what happened. Not the details anyway. I know it’s wrong of me to ask, but they can’t know. They…”
“Don’t worry about it. I’d expect nothing less from you.”
With that, nothing else was said during the drive. Not. one. thing. When we arrived back at the hotel both of us walked in without saying a word. The tension could have been cut with a knife. I didn’t know what I was supposed to say to him. The amount of hatred he felt towards me made it hard for me to breathe, let alone speak. We both headed up the stairs to our rooms, which weren’t too far from each other. I had every intention of going to my room, but I was honestly afraid of what I would do if I went in there alone. I had never felt such a strong urge to sleep everything away. I sighed and turned to Dana’s door, which was right by mine. I knocked a few times.
“Day, it’s Alexa. I just… need a friend.”
Getting those words out was like drinking vinegar. Admitting that I needed help. There was the sound of shuffling, then the door opened. Standing in front of me was Dana with Gunner right standing right behind her. I immediately noticed her appearance. She looked disheveled. Her hair was static and sticking up all over this place. She had bedhead. She looked like she threw herself together in a hurry. I barged in her room and looked at the two of them.
“Were you guys fucking?” I laughed. It was so perfect. Just what I needed. Dana looked like she could die of embarrassment. I didn’t feel bad. I needed the laugh. Rex appeared in the doorway a few seconds later, for God knows what reason. With that Dana visibly started to panic and shake. Gunner stepped in immediately and told us to wait outside for a few minutes. Obviously so he could comfort his girl. He didn’t let anything come between her and her happiness. Once out in the hallway I turned to Rex.
“What were you doing over here?”
He was supposed to go to his room and I was supposed to go to mine. That was the unspoken agreement in the car.
“I felt obligated to make sure you were okay. I see you are so I’m leaving.”
“You did?” The words slipped out of my mouth. I sounded so fucking desperate.
Rex nodded his head, looking exhausted. “Don’t hurt yourself for at least 24 hours please.”
Then he walked off and went to bed. I wouldn’t let myself hope he cared. I knew he didn’t. Not after everything that had happened between us. Not after what my life did to his. Not after Mia. I left after that. Days flew by. Things looked up for Dana and Gunner. I was beginning to think all of my friends would get their fairytale endings. I was happy for them, but one day I knew they wouldn’t need me anymore. I’d just be that crazy aunt they asked to babysit once in a while. That would be another time in my life I’d have to get used to being alone. I was going to lose it. At least all my friends were protected by powerful men and Pytor couldn’t hurt them. All that was left was me, and, honestly, at this point I wouldn’t fight him all that hard if he came for me again. He took everything else from me.
The day we were set to leave was awful. I kept my promise to Rex and didn’t hurt myself for 24 hours, but the day I was set to leave Rex for good again I had to break that promise. I showered until my skin burned. I ripped up more papers than I could count. Sorry rainforest. I hated that goodbye was this hard. Especially since we didn’t even get along. He hated me. I hated that I couldn’t even say goodbye to him without falling apart. I hated that I no longer had the right to feel any desire to see Rex again. I just hated it. Heart pain is the worst kind of pain. The pain I was never good at dealing with. I mean I still talked to Anna every single night.
We all met in the lobby to say bye and I honest to God felt like an ice cube. Dana spoke with Rex, and I’m assuming thanked him for everything. All I could do was stare. I didn’t want to leave him. H
e opened up all my old wounds and now I had to go back and act like none of it never happened. I had to avoid and lie to all my friends when they asked how I knew Rex and why I ‘hated’ him. I didn’t know if I could do that. Finally, the talking ended, and I knew everyone was waiting on me to say something. Waiting with baited breath to see what I would say to him. I looked up and met his clear blue eyes. For the first time they held something more than hatred. His eyes matched my emotions.
“Bye. Thanks for fixing my hand,” I whispered, letting my hair hide my face.
That’s all I could think of to say. That’s all that would come out of my stupid mouth. I didn’t want to hear his reply. He’d either fake politeness to be cordiale in front of my friends, for Gunner, or just blow me off completely. He chose the first option.
“You're welcome Alex. I apologize, Alexa.”
“You can call me Alex,” I mumbled before running into the cab. I needed thirty seconds to fight back the tears and to stop my body from shaking so much. I said nothing to anyone the whole way back. All their words were blurred out by my never-ending thoughts and the incredible amount of pain I was in. I’d field their questions later.
Being back in Nashville was weird. It was like I was thrown into a parallel universe. In this case it was Alex living in Alexa’s world. The façade was nearly impossible to keep up, but somehow, I managed outside the doors of my apartment. Well, for the most part. Behind closed doors, however, I was losing it. Honestly. There were piles of shredded papers everywhere. For while I’d clean up after myself when I went on a paper ripping spree, but after a while I gave up on it. I was constantly relying on shredding paper to cope and cleaning up started to seem like a waste of time. My showers were pretty much always scalding hot. I ran until I couldn’t breathe anymore. I cried myself to sleep. I tossed and turned all night, and every sound sent me flying back in alarm. I expected Pytor to rip apart my life again any second. I’d had people in my life for too long now. It was about time it all started falling apart. I felt like I was living in hell. Pure and simple. A lonely, heartbroken hell.
