by Bry Ann
I couldn’t even respond to the people calling my name, until it came from Rex. Then I was forced to face reality.
“Alex,” he said curtly. Alex? Alex? Was I even still Alex anymore. Who even was she?
“Rex,” I responded breathlessly. Nothing in my body would work right.
“What the hell…” I heard Sam faintly whisper.
“Wow shock. Your friends don’t know about me.”
There was no mistaking the bitterness in his voice. I felt my shoulders fall further. I felt myself slip further into my shell. I then spoke the God’s honest truth. The truth I had been desperately avoiding.
“They don’t know about my past at all. It’s not personal.”
“How’s is it not personal Alex?”
Both of us stared at one another; anger, shock and pain gluing our eyes to each other, before Rex pulled away with a scowl.
“We need to get moving!” he snapped.
I forgot why I was there. All I knew was the solid minute of shocked silence that ensued after Rex and I’s encounter. Everyone started to move, but I couldn’t. Tears welled up in my eyes. Fuck, I was going to cry. In front of everyone. No! I worked so hard to avoid this. No. No. No. No one here had seen me cry. Sam came over and pushed me out the door. I was really fucking grateful for that or I would have started crying. Her shove snapped me out of it.
Rex led us over to his car. The whole time I was mesmerized by him, like he was a mirage, a phantom. At this point I had no clue what happened to Mia or his mom. I knew he’d be made at me for leaving him, but Rex was completely different. Hardened. He had put on quite a bit of muscle and was no longer young and youthful. He was a man, one with muscle and testosterone. He took charge and, yes, it made him more attractive, but I couldn’t help the slight singe in my heart knowing he was no longer the kind, young man I once knew. Rex had always had a heart of gold. He was sensitive and gentle. I didn’t understand this Rex. I was angry at him for changing and confused on how to handle this situation with him. I wanted him to disappear, so I could go back to living in oblivion like before. What was he doing here? Did he know Dana? No way. I wanted to demand answers, but I could barely get enough oxygen, let alone start a heavy conversation.
When we got to Rex’s car both Sam and Dana hesitated. We did need to get out of there, but they had no clue who Rex was. I was still wondering what the fuck he was doing here. Of course, they didn’t trust him and want to jump in a car with him. I could see Rex was annoyed. His jaw was tight, and his fists were clenched, a telltale sign Rex was losing patience. Gunner had people holding him, who were now probably after us, and they were definitely killers. After a long beat Rex gave me a pointed stare, telling me to get my friends in the fucking car.
“We can get in,” I mumble. “We can trust him.”
God, I hated myself. Everyone looked at me like I grew another head, but they listened and got in. Sam and Dana discussed something quietly, presumably me and Rex. Then Dana climbed into the very backseat with me. I could tell she wanted to comfort me but didn’t know how. That only irritated me further. I didn’t want to be “comforted”, but regardless of what I wanted, she should have just done what she wanted to do. It was annoying to me that she just sat there awkwardly side staring at me.
Once we got to Rex’s place I was finally able to see the Rex I knew. He was gentle with Dana, and seemingly knew how to handle the state of panic and shock she was in. He handled her fear with ease and confidence. I felt that familiar broken, vulnerable feeling being around Rex. That was until Dana told me her story. When I found out Gunner protected Dana a little spark of hope developed inside of me. He protected her. He actually cared about her. I wanted to fucking kiss him and thank him. I don’t remember what I said, but it was something along those lines, earning looks of shock from everyone in the room. Especially Rex. I didn’t care. My confidence was coming back. My wall. I needed Rex to know he didn’t affect me anymore. That our friendship was over, and his anger didn’t bother me. In reality the only reason I was so desperate for him to know his anger didn’t bother was because it bothered me more than I’d cared to admit.
Sam asked Rex about his investment in this. Why he was helping us. It was a good question. I was wondering the same freaking thing. What the hell was he doing here? I felt my gaze boring into him and I could tell he didn’t like it. He didn’t like it when I paid any attention to him. He wanted me as far away from him as possible. I understood why. Guilt ate at me for abandoning him twice, and this last time was worse. This last time we’d had sex. We were intimate, and I left him. I understood his hatred, I just couldn’t accept it.
“I owe Gunner my life. Ten times over,” he said in response to Sam’s question.
“But why?” I jumped in. I needed to know.
“Why would I tell you that?”
Rex’s eyes were narrow slits when he turned to me, so I used the only excuse I had for needing to know.
“Because my friends are trusting you!”
“Friends? Well that’d be a first for you. You’d know all about trust. About friendship. Wouldn’t you Alex? I’m sorry Alexa.”
I didn’t hear the rest of what he said. The sting of how deeply I betrayed the one man I ever truly loved rang in my ear. I wondered about Mia. About Blaze. People I knew I didn’t have a right to know about. I began to wish I’d never met them. It’d be easier than knowing they wanted nothing to do with me.
Rex had Dana tell her story so many times I swear to God I thought even Dana might punch him. I sure wanted to, but I didn’t because I was not so sure my reasons were strictly Dana related. After Dana finished telling her story for the last time, Sam and Rex went in the hallway to make plans. Of course, it was unspoken that I wasn’t invited into that discussion. Dana went to take a nap and I went into the other room to contemplate how the hell we were going to save Gunner from people he couldn’t even defeat. It felt like a hopeless task. Gunner was as close to invincible as humans can get.
I was lost in these thoughts when I heard the sound of soft crying coming from the other room. What the hell?
“Help… save me please… help…” it sounded like moaning, but I could make out the words.
Dana!
I sprinted out of the room I was in and slid on my knees to kneel by the couch where Dana was sleeping.
“Dana? Dana!” I yelled trying to snap her out of her nightmare. I’d never forgotten the nightmare I had at Rex’s back in the day and I’ve seen Sam’s. Nightmares are something I don’t fuck with. My next step was dumping ice water over her head.
Lucky for her, she snapped up. Her eyes went wide for a second before finding me. We talked briefly about Tanner, her rapist. I didn’t have to be a genius to know that is what her nightmare was about. At the end of the conversation I said something like “the fucker”. Of course, that’s what Rex heard when he walked in the room.
“Who's the fucker?” He cocked an eyebrow.
“Why are you in here Rex?”
I rolled my eyes but didn’t give him too much grief. He had something to talk to us about and I was frankly surprised he was including me in the details. When I asked him about that he said he thought I was “fucking selfish bitch, not a killer.”
Fair enough, but it still hurt coming from him. Once again Sam helped me cover my pain. She made a sarcastic comment that took the attention away from me. If she hadn’t everyone would have seen all the oxygen leave my body and the momentary pain I let show.
The news Rex had to tell us was not good news. Some gang named Occidere (“kill” in Latin) took Gunner. It was fucking bad, and Dana was falling apart at the seams. We were all trying to hold it together for her. Dana had always struggled with her mental health in a big way, not that almost all of us hadn’t, but she had a long history of issues and it worried all of us. The last thing any of us wanted, including Gunner, was for her to relapse and start self-harming again, out of guilt, pain and fear.
Once again Sam
asked Rex about his involvement in this, his loyalty. It was not like Sam to get in neck deep with someone in something as big as this without knowing everything about their intentions. She still didn’t know Rex’s and she wouldn’t like or trust him until she knew. The fact was even I didn’t know why Rex was here. Why was he helping? Rex tried to turn the tables with the only leverage he had. Me.
“What about Alex…. Alexa. Why’s she here?” he snapped at Sam.
Sam narrowed her gaze. I saw the fierce protector coming out in her. She did not like people questioning her friends.
“She’s a great friend. Loyal. We are in trouble. So, she’s here. That’s the way she is.”
With that, I wished I could have sunk into the ground and disappeared. I wasn’t a good friend. I wasn’t loyal. Not even close. For all people for her to tell that to, Rex was the one I had hurt the most. I stared at me feet and willed my body to disappear. I hated this. I hated Sam and Dana seeing me like this. They didn’t know Alex, but they were starting to, and I did not like that.
The next words out of Rex’s mouth changed everything. Made everything clearer in the darkest of ways.
Why was Rex involved in this? He answered it in one sentence that broke through the whole Alexa façade in an instant.
“Gunner saved my mom and retrieved my sister’s dead body, so she could be buried properly. At great risk to himself. I’d die for him.”
Chapter 29:
“What?” my head snapped up. It was like the world was shaking and I couldn’t find stable ground. My eyes trained only on Rex. “Mia’s dead?”
“Yeah,” Rex said, watching me carefully. He was searching for something and I didn’t know what it was. I couldn’t think. I could barely breath. “Mia’s dead. She was murdered.” Pytor. It was him. He took another person from me. Anna. Alex and now Mia. I couldn’t handle it. I was going to fall over or cry or faint or all of the above. I was going to have a nervous breakdown.
“I…. I… I have to go check on our reservation,” I said quickly, even though we were not even at the hotel anymore. Nothing was working. I just needed out of there. “I’ll be back.”
ran out of there before anyone could catch me, before anyone could say anything. I ran out of the house, down the street as far as I could until my lungs gave out on me. I wasn’t fit so I didn’t get very far. When I finally stopped I put my hands on my knees and took deep breaths. Pytor. Mia was dead. Pytor killed her. I think I blacked out from the pain. I have no memory of how I got myself together. All I know is when I got back I was numb and felt sick inside. Whoever came back to that house wasn’t Alex or Alexa, she was a ghost, a phantom of them both.
Apparently, Dana had some kind of breakdown. I headed back into the room where Sam was comforting Dana, who had just woken up. I felt numb to it all but tried to support both of them as best I could. Rex came back in the room a bit later and turned to me first, seemingly uncomfortable and unsure.
“You okay?” he mumbled.
“Yeah,” I barely got out. It was too weird to be civil. Too weird to admit Mia’s death. So, we both just turned away from each other after that. We all decided we needed to take a nap before we planned anything further. I was shacked up with Sam. We weren’t even an hour into our nap when shrill screams filled the room. Sam broke out into one of her nightmares, screaming bloody murder. Pure terror echoing in her voice. It chilled me to the bone. She puts up a good front, she’s a good mom, a good friend and strong, but she still has major PTSD from what she went through. It wouldn’t be realistic if she didn’t. It doesn’t make it any easier to watch her, if anything it makes it harder, because she’s strong. And it hurts to see her break. Her hurts to see her mind torment her in this way. It was in these moments that I really appreciated Logan. He dealt with this daily and still loved her and saw her strength, not her weakness. That alone made him worth keeping him around.
Dana took over Sam’s care after that, and I let her. Mainly because she had crazy guilt. I knew she felt obligation to help Sam or it’d eat her alive. Whatever I could do to keep Dana sane, I did. I knew Sam would kick my ass later for letting Dana see her like that, but sometimes you have to make sacrifices for the bigger picture.
Dana demanded ice to help ground Sam. As soon as I got some Dana pretty much commanded I walk right back of the room. Of course, the first person I ran into was fucking Rex. I sighed out loud. I couldn’t catch a break. I couldn’t keep my wall up. I couldn’t stay numb with him lurking around every corner.
“Is she okay?”
His eyes were etched with concern. I could tell he was really worried about her.
“Yeah,” I ran my hand through my hair. “She has PTSD. Something happened a few months ago. It fucked her up quite a bit. Rightfully so. She’s still a totally badass though.”
“I have no doubt. What happened?”
It was an innocent question, but I could see the accusation in his eyes.
“It wasn’t my fault,” I whispered. Tears sprung to my eyes “I’m so sorry Rex. I didn’t kno…”
“You’re sorry. You’re sorry!” Rex hissed, cutting me off. “Just shut up. I wouldn’t be your friend again if you were the last human on earth. Don’t even bother trying for my forgiveness.”
“Rex I was like super fucked up okay. I was homeless, selling myself to make a buck for years, I…” I was going to continue saying how I couldn’t just recover from all that so quickly. I was going to tell him I had no idea about Mia, but Dana walked in looking super uncomfortable. She probably heard me. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
“Oh, hey Dana,” I said trying to sound relaxed… when I was not. “Is Sam alright?”
Sam wasn’t alright, but she would be. That I was sure of. That girl was a survivor through and thorough.
The next day was all drama and fear.
It was something we could have prevented if we had looked for the signs and been more careful. I was too preoccupied with my Rex shit and Sam was so busy trying to hold everything together and making sure we were making smart moves, we both missed the subtle signs. Dana went after Gunner... on her own. Of course, Gunner got her out, and shockingly she did save his life. She got hurt though. She was choked, there was a cut on her arm that required stitches and Gunner told us discreetly that Tanner was involved so there would be mental scars as well. There were lots that happened in that cabin, lot of stuff went down, but that’s a story for another time.
Of course, Gunner was beat and tortured to all hell, but he made sure we knew all the details of what happened to Dana first. He gave us what we needed to help her. Before he passed out, honestly probably from pure agony. He was pretty torn up.
He loved her. It was the moment I realized it. So, did Sam, and I am pretty sure Rex too. I could tell Rex respected the shit out of Gunner, and Gunner was grateful in his own way for how Rex helped Dana. He was not thrilled that she came after him alone, but I jumped in on that one and told him we did the best we fucking could. He was taken by a group of gangsters with the name “Kill” for God Sakes! Besides, we had no idea she left. She snuck out and he knew as well as us how damn stubborn and smart that girl was.
Dana spent some time in the hospital. I went back to the hotel Logan had booked for us. We all had individual rooms, and one extra room where we could meet up and discuss everything, courtesy of Logan. The day Dana was set to discharge Rex and I left the hospital early. It was only right for Sam, Logan and Dana to have a little privacy. We took separate cars of course. I didn’t want to be anywhere near him. I figured he would go to his room, so I went to our main shared room and waited for Dana, Sam and Logan to get back. I walked in the room, used the keycard and threw my purse on the table. I felt numb, scared and, honestly, there were way too many fucking emotions coursing through my body to process. I was lost in thought when I heard the sound of a throat clearing from across the room. My head snapped up. I found myself face to face with Rex again. Suddenly I felt angrier than I had in years. An overwhelming sense
of rage overtook me. He was ruining everything. He was supposed to stay in the past with Alex. With my ability to love. With Pytor. With everything and now it was all coming back.
“What the fuck are you doing in here?” I snapped.
“I see your over your stuttering phase,” he said with just as much venom.
“You fucking asshole! I never stuttered. I was shocked. You were … you were supposed to stay gone!”
“Oh! Oh! I’m so fucking sorry. When you left me alone I’m sure you never banked on seeing me again Alex!”
“GET THE FUCK OVER IT AND LEAVE ME ALONE!”
“YOU ARE SO FUCKING SELFISH! YOU LEFT ME. BROKE MY STUPID FUCKING HEART ALEX!”
Just then Gunner, Dana and Sam came bursting in the door. Sam didn’t waste a second before restraining me. I heard voices, but I couldn’t understand them. I was too fucking angry. I was fuming. I tried to pull out of Sam’s grip, but she was strong and relentless. She wouldn’t let me go until I calmed down. I still felt fire coursing through my veins, but I stopped fighting. I relaxed in her arms. She wasn’t the enemy anyway.
“Fucking assholes. All of you,” I muttered.
“I am an asshole,” Sam whispered in my ear. “But you’re a bitch.”
I smiled. I fucking loved this girl. I fully relaxed. I looked over at Sam and shook my head. This girl was the sane to my crazy, but still crazy enough to get through to me.
After pissing Gunner off, because of my insane need to lash out at someone, Gunner ushered Rex out of the room.
The next few days we barely saw each other. Dana had a lot going on, Sam was busy with Dana and I spent 90% of my time in my room taking scalding hot showers and ripping apart newspaper articles. I didn’t want anyone to know how bad I was struggling, but I was. I was fucking losing it. Between Rex being in the picture, him hating me, my feelings for him, Dana’s issues, Sam’s issues, Pytor still being alive and able to hurt me, and Mia’s death, I felt like I was breaking apart. I realized for the first time the façade I had built as Alexa was just a lie. A stupid fucking lie. I’d never be okay.
