Soap Opera Uncensored: Issue 10
Page 5
Best Trend:
Soap Books
Best Soap Memoir:
Kim Zimmer’s “I’m Just Sayin’”
Best Acting Ensemble:
One Life To Live
Worst Acting Ensemble:
DAYS
Best Comeback:
Andrea Evans, One Life
Worst Comeback:
James Franco, GH
Best End Story:
Tina Lord Roberts, One Life
Worst End Stories:
Carly and Chloe, DAYS
Best Exit:
Brian Frons as ABC Daytime’s President
Worst Exit:
Brenda Barrett Corinthos, GH
Best Reunion:
Tina and Cord, One Life
Worst Reunion:
Zach and Kendall, AMC
Best Psycho:
Marty Saybrooke, One Life
Worst Psycho:
Franco, GH
Funniest Psycho:
Rafe II, DAYS
Biggest Losses:
Trevor St. John and Robin Strasser, One Life
Most Annoying Character:
Lulu Spencer, GH
Best Love Story:
Todd and Tea, One Life
Worst Love Story:
Kelly and Joey, One Life
Best Star-Crossed Couple:
Clint and Viki, One Life
Worst Star-Crossed Lovers:
Kate and Sonny, GH
Most Entertaining Couples:
Todd and Victor, One Life
—tie— David and Dorian, One Life
Most Annoying Couple/Most Ruined Couple:
Dante and Lulu, GH
Most Tortured Couple:
Jason and Sam, GH
Best Non-Couple:
Chad and Will, DAYS
Most Boring Couple:
Sofia and Malcolm, Y&R
Sexiest Couple:
Adam Gregory and Katherine Kelly Lang, B&B
Most Promising Chemistry:
Laura Wright and Sean Blakemore, GH
Best Love Triangle:
Viki/Charlie/Echo, One Life
Worst Love Triangle:
Kelly/Joey/Aubrey, One Life
Most Improved Paternity Story:
Natalie/Jess, One Life
Best Rivals: One Life
Victor and Todd
—tie— Scarface and Todd
—tie— Natalie and Jess
Best Frenemies:
Tea and Blair, One Life
Best Villain:
David Hayward, AMC
Worst Villain:
Victor Newman, Y&R
Best Newcomer/Sexiest Man:
Josh Kelly, One Life
Worst Newcomers:
The Blonde Bots, GH
Best Casting:
Barbara Rhoades, One Life
Best Mystery:
Who Killed Victor Lord? One Life
Worst Mysteries:
Who Killed Diane/Skye, Y&R
Best Wedding:
Sonny and Brenda, GH
Worst Wedding:
David and Dorian, One Life
Biggest Waste of Talent — Male:
Tristan Rogers, Y&R
—tie— Jonathan Jackson, GH
Biggest Waste of Talent — Female:
Crystal Chappell, DAYS
—tie— Maura West, Y&R
Best Location Shoots:
B&B
Worst Location Shoots:
AMC
Most Improved Actor:
Nathan Parsons, GH
Most Improved Actress:
Molly Burnett, DAYS
Best Social Issue:
Shane’s Bullying, One Life
Worst Social Issue:
Luke’s alcoholism, GH
Best Younger Actor:
Chandler Massey, DAYS
Best Podcast:
Silas Kain on Blog Talk Radio
SOAPILEAKS:
This week’s hottest news, interviews, and gossip!
Due to this week’s special issue, Soapileaks will return next week but here’s all you need to know: GH’s Nathan Parson has quit; World Turns’ patriarch Dan Frazer died at 90; Y&R is casting Melissa Claire Egan’s mother; JR Martinez is expecting his first child; Susan Lucci refuses to take on a new soap role until AMC’s future is determined; Brad Bell is one of the investors of the newly revamped Chicago Sun-Times newspaper; Michael Easton as John McBain and Ted King are possibly joining GH; Trevor St. John will not return for One Life’s finale; Y&R/DAYS were in the top five most searched shows on Google in 2011; GH’s Ingo Rademacher is expecting his second child; Andrea Bogart is out at GH now that her character is dead.
TOXIC SOAP SATIRE:
A Dummies Guide on How to Wreck a Show!
Douglas Marland, who? Uncensored has obtained the ABC memo to all its head writers — and producers — on how to wreck a show. Just call it the antithesis of Marland’s iconic How Not to Wreck a Show List!
1. Don’t watch the show; hate soap operas and its audience.
2. Destroy the history of the show one character and great, historic moment at a time. You would be surprised at how many destructive ideas you can get by reading a soap opera’s bible. A milestone abortion? Undo it! Anything is possible. Don’t limit yourself. The opportunities are endless.
3. Burn fan mail. Except for the negative letters. Whatever the audience is complaining about, continue to write their least favourite characters and storylines! Bonus: Not only do you ignore their faves, but you get to keep all the free crap fans send you — chocolates, etc — in their fan campaign. Can you say, “Best job ever?!”
4. As a network executive, hire people you know aren’t qualified to write or produce a show. We encourage hiring your wife, best friend or mistress! People who owe you a favour and their career really comes in handy when destroying a genre. Look at GH!
5. Don’t promote the show. At all. Keep the lazy, unimaginative PR hacks employed forever.
6. Fire anyone over 35, actors playing gay and anyone of colour. Oh, and if actresses have less than a D cup, they’re out, too.
7. Reinvent core characters into unrecognizable players. When the audience says, “He would never do that,” then you have succeeded.
8. Build new characters quickly as your back-burner fan faves. Everyone knows that it takes six seconds to a minute for an audience to care about a new character. Do not tie them existing characters. When in doubt, shove them down the viewers’ throats.
9. If you feel staff changes are in order, hire a friend, ex-lover or a spouse. If no one wants the shitty job, hire David Kreizman.
10. Fire people immediately — especially within six months. Dismantling a show as soon as possible is not only the right thing to do but its also the most moral and ethical.
11. Good soap opera is bad storytelling. It's very simple.
12. Fire anyone who has appeared on a lesbian web serial.
13. When in doubt, one word: rapemance.
SOAP WHISPERER:
This week’s hottest blind items
• Which hated actor has finally changed his tune on set?
• Which new addition isn’t getting along with the show’s leading lady?
• Which gay actor is thinking about coming out?
SOAP PORN: Next Week's Soapgasms
Can’t watch all the soaps this week? No worries — here’s a cheat sheet!
Top Shows to Watch:
1. One Life to Live, ABC
2. Venice, venicetheseries.com
3. Days of our Lives, NBC
Top Storylines to Watch:
1. Will Confesses, DAYS
2. Nikki’s Revenge, Y&R
3. Jason and Robin’s Pact, GH
Top Actresses to Watch:
1. Ilene Kristen (Roxy, One Life)
2. Melody Thomas Scott (Nikki, Y&R)
3. Crystal Chap
pell (Gina, Venice)
4. Kimberly McCullough (Robin, GH)
5. Hillary B. Smith (Guya, Venice)
—tie— Florencia Lozano (Tea, One Life)
Top Actors to Watch:
1. Michael Muhney (Adam, Y&R)
2. Jerry ver Dorn (Clint, One Life)
3. Chandler Massey (Will, DAYS)
4. James Scott (EJ, DAYS)
5. Steve Burton (Jason, GH)
Top Young Actors To Watch:
1. Chandler Massey (Will, DAYS)
2. Patrick Gibbons Jr. (Sam, One Life)
3. Eddie Alderson (Matthew, One Life)
—tie— Shenell Edmonds (Destiny, One Life)
Top Duos to Watch:
1. Gina and Ani, Venice
2. Viki and Clint, One Life
3. Jason and Robin, GH
Top Couples to Fast-Forward Through:
1. Sonny and Kate, GH
—tie— Lulu and Dante, GH
3. Ethan and Painting Lady, GH
Top Dream Couples:
1. Carly and Shawn, GH
2. Will and Chad, DAYS
3. Sharon and Avery, Y&R
Top New-ish Duos to Watch:
1. Chad and Melanie, DAYS
2. Jack and Neela, One Life
3. Thomas and Hope, B&B
Top Newcomers:
1. Freddie Smith (Sonny, DAYS)
2. Sean Blakemore (Shawn, GH)
3. Neela Patel (Neela, One Life)
—tie— Andrew Trischitta (Jack, One Life)
Top Scene Stealers:
1.Ilene Kristen (Roxy, One Life)
—tie— Josh Kelly (Cutter, One Life)
3. Tina Sloan (Katherine, Venice)
4. Tuc Watkins (David, One Life)
—tie— Lea De Laria (Delphina, One Life)
Top Rivals:
1. Steffy vs. Hope, B&B
2. Lara vs. Gina, Venice
3. Will vs. Sami, DAYS
Top Equations to Watch:
1. Gina/Ani/Lara, Venice
2. Victor/Nikki/Deacon, Y&R
3. Tea/John/Natalie, One Life
Top Tweeters:
1. Crystal Chappell: @CrystalChappell
2. Joshua Morrow: @joshuamorrowYR
3. Adam Newman: @adamnewmanYR
Top 3 Soap Magazine Covers (based on art direction):
1. Soaps In Depth: GH’s Sonny/Carly/Michael
2. Soap Opera Digest: One Life’s Rex and Gigi wed; Y&R’s Sharon and Adam: Sex!
3. Soap Opera Weekly: Casting News!
Top 3 Best Reads/Buys at the Newsstand:
1. Soap Opera Digest
2. Soap Opera Weekly
3. CBS Soaps In Depth
Top Episodes To Watch:
1. Friday: DAYS’s Chad and Melanie kiss. “Are we soaps’ Brangelina?” asks Molly Burnett!
2. Friday: Y&R rings in New Year at Glo Worm. “Let’s hope