When I Surrender

by Kendall Ryan

  “Anytime, man.” I set the apple back down on my table, feeling useless once again. “I could always go back to the kitchen, see if we have something else. A banana maybe?” I had no idea what they had back in their kitchen, but I was willing to try. This guy was someone’s grandfather most likely. I didn’t particularly like the idea of him going hungry.

  He took my hand and gave it a shake. Misty blue eyes met mine as he grinned at me again. “Bless you for what you’re doing. You’re a good person.”

  “Trust me, I’m not. But I’m trying.”

  “Ah, what the hell. You only live once, hit me with one of those apples.”

  I placed a shiny red apple on his tray and felt McKenna watching. Glancing her way, I knew she’d overheard the entire exchange. I’d meant those words. I wasn’t a good person. But I wanted to be. For her. “We need to talk,” I said, low under my breath.

  “Not now,” she breathed, her eyes slipping closed. She looked like she was on the verge of tears. I wouldn’t push her right now, but I didn’t have much time left.

  “I have to be at work soon.”

  She looked over at me again, confusion marking her features. “You came here before work?”

  She knew it was a big deal that I’d taken the time to come here. Good. “Got up early, got the guys off to school, and yeah. I came to see you. You didn’t return my text. I thought you were ignoring me.”

  Drawing a deep, but shaky breath, McKenna continued looking straight ahead. “Can we just enjoy this?”

  I knew volunteering was important to her and I suddenly realized she thought I was interrupting. “Can we talk later, then?” I asked.

  She nodded. “Okay.”

  “McKenna?”

  “Yeah?” Pretty blue eyes flashed on mine.

  “I didn’t sleep with her.”

  She set down the cup of juice she was holding with trembling hands. A moment later she disappeared out of the room, treading down a long hallway, and I took off after her.

  Shit. She’d agreed to talk later, and yet I kept pushing. But I needed her to believe that. I hadn’t laid a hand on that girl. And after hurting her so badly the last time we were together, my own conscience needed clearing.

  I heard soft sobs coming from the women’s restroom and I pushed open the door and entered, securing the lock behind me. The stall door on the end was closed and I could see her gray tennis shoes beneath the opening. “McKenna?”

  The cries stopped. “Go away, Knox.”

  Fuck. I slumped against the wall, fighting the urge the punch something. “I just needed to see you, make sure you were okay. The way we left things last time….”

  “I’m fine, okay. Or at least I was going to be. Being here is my sanctuary, my escape. But now you’ve taken that from me, too.”

  She was hiding in the damn bathroom stall because of me. I should have felt sorry I’d come, but I didn’t. I’d needed to see her with my own eyes or I was going to lose it. “When you didn’t show up Saturday, I kind of freaked out. Are you done leading group?” Because of me?

  “No, I was at a retreat with counseling seminars all weekend.”

  “Can I just tell you one thing?”

  She sniffed. “And then we’ll talk about the rest later?”

  “Whatever you want.”

  “Okay.”

  “I never slept with Amanda. Not even close. I have no desire to sleep with her. We exchanged phone numbers because she wanted someone to talk to about raising a baby while recovering from addiction, and I’d told her I have custody of my three brothers. She’s freaked out that she has a baby on the way and wanted someone to talk to.” There was a long pause from McKenna. “Do you believe me?”

  “If you weren’t with her, then why did you answer that it’d only been one week since your last sexual encounter? Were you with other girls while we were….” A choked little sob escaped her throat.

  “Do you want to know why I said that it’d been one week since my last sexual encounter?”

  Silence. She thought she didn’t want to hear this. But she did.

  “When I answered that question, it’d been one week since you’d come to me in the night, let me kiss and touch you. And even without sex, that was the most erotic encounter of my life. Touching you over your panties, knowing you trusted me, making you come… that meant everything to me. It wasn’t even about sex. It was about trust. And after that, all other memories of girls I’d been with were wiped from my memory. There was only you. So that’s why I said one week. And no, there’s been no one else since.”

  The bathroom door unlatched, and McKenna stepped out slowly. Her eyes were watery and the tip of her nose was pink. She was still the most beautiful girl in the world. She’d pulled off her hair net and gloves at some point, reminding me that I still had mine on. I smiled weakly at her and pulled off the accessories, dropping them into the nearby wastebasket.

  Crossing the room toward me, I opened my arms and McKenna folded herself against my chest. I held her and gently swayed with her in my arms. It’d been a tough week for her. Distress was written all over her features and she felt thin and frail. I wanted to take her home and put her in my bed and never let her go again. Instead I continued lightly rubbing her back, letting her calm down and collect herself. I’d wait as long as it took. I no longer cared about getting to work on time. If she needed me, I wasn’t going anywhere.

  A few moments later, she lifted her head from my chest and crossed the room to stand in front of the sink, inspecting herself in the mirror.

  “You look beautiful,” I murmured. She smirked at her reflection in the mirror. It was the truth. She splashed cool water on her cheeks and I handed her a paper towel. “You okay?”

  She nodded. “Yeah. I’m okay. Thanks. And I know you have to get to work.”

  “Can we still talk later?”

  “There’s more?” she asked, pushing a chunk of hair behind her ear.

  “We need to discuss you and me.”

  “There’s a you and me?” she breathed.

  “You know there is.” My heart thumped steadily in my chest. My relationship with her was the only real thing in my life. Even if it wasn’t a romantic relationship, I needed her presence. My brothers did, too. We’d figure the rest out later. “When are you free?”

  “Tomorrow night. I’m attending a fundraiser at the library. It goes until 8:00.”

  “Come over after?”

  “You’ll be a gentleman?” The hint of a smile played on her full lips.

  “If you like.”

  She exhaled a deep shuddering breath, like she was summoning her courage. “I’ll come.”

  The urge to take her in my arms again was overwhelming, but I resisted it. As difficult as it was for me, I needed to learn to deal with shit without falling back on physical touch. “See you then.”

  Chapter Four

  McKenna

  I took my time getting ready, telling myself I wanted to look nice for the library fundraiser. It was an after-hours event with hor d’oeuvres and wine tasting. I should dress up a little, right? It had nothing to do with seeing Knox after. Yeah, right.

  I was still reeling with the emotional turmoil stirred up by being near Knox. Getting away last weekend for the retreat was supposed to bring clarity, but all it did was make me miss him more. And then knowing he planned his work day around seeing me at the soup kitchen yesterday had torn down my final wall. Every time I thought I had Knox figured out, he surprised me and pulled me back in. With him, I knew the road was guaranteed to be bumpy, but at last I was moving forward.

  I inspected myself in the mirror one final time. My dark hair fell in loose waves down my back and my fitted black pants and silky gray blouse looked simple, but chic. I puckered my lips in the mirror and added a dab of pink lip gloss. Stop stalling, McKenna. I grabbed my coat and purse and flipped off my bedroom light.

  “You look nice,” Brian said as I entered the living area. The football game was pla
ying in the background. I found it sort of oddly endearing how he’d become a hardcore Chicago sports fan, now cheering for every local team. It was just another way he’d changed his life and habits to support me in this move.

  “Thanks.” I smoothed my hands over the fabric of my pants. “I have this fundraiser thingy at the library tonight.”

  “You look like you’re going on a date.” His eyes glanced over my curves and came to a stop on my face again. My cheeks heated.

  “Nope. Just the library.”

  “Maybe I should join you.”

  “No!” He couldn’t know I was going to Knox’s after. I calmed my voice and started again. “I mean, no, that’s not necessary. It’ll probably be boring. A few speeches and sign up opportunities for volunteer work in the coming year. Nothing too exciting. Besides, I wouldn’t want you to miss the Bears winning their big game.”

  “You know I would for you.”

  He was too good to me and I was hit with a pang of guilt about lying where I was headed. “Thanks, but no. You stay, enjoy your game.” I slipped on my coat. If the chill in the fall air was any indication, winter was just around the corner.

  “Hey, you wanna do something this weekend?”

  “Uh, sure. Sounds great, Bri.” It was probably time we put this awkwardness behind us and forget about his fight with Knox.

  ---

  The closer I got to Knox’s place, the more anxious I became. I was fidgety and distracted all during the fundraiser and watching the clock hadn’t helped. The entire evening had dragged by at a snail’s pace.

  Knox was like a magnet drawing me to him. The pull was primitive and all consuming. And not because I was a fixer, like Brian said, but because our wounded souls found solace in the company of each other. He’d been like a balm to my unseen injuries. And I’d wanted to believe I was his healing balm, too. But I hated that I hadn’t been. Despite his little speech in the bathroom, I worried he was still seeking nameless, faceless girls to soothe his aches, which was why I needed to face reality. Sex was his drug of choice. If I’d really meant something to him, he would give all that up, right? I questioned if he could have a relationship that wasn’t based on sex. I needed to hear what he had to say tonight, even if it destroyed me in the process.

  It was nearly 8:30 by the time I arrived and as I stood waiting on the porch for him to answer the door, I took a few deep breaths of cool air and promised myself that nothing would happen between us. Remembering how his tender kisses and skilled fingers had felt, I inwardly groaned. I needed to be strong.

  The door swung open and Knox stood there in jeans, bare feet, and a white T-shirt looking sexy and sinful. “Change of plans,” he growled.

  I followed him inside and shut the door. It was dark and quiet inside. “Knox?” He continued to the stairs and began climbing them silently. I hurried to keep up with him. “What’s wrong?” His sweet, gentle demeanor from yesterday morning had disappeared, but I wasn’t about to let him shut down on me now. We’d come too far for that, hadn’t we? We were supposed to talk tonight. “Knox, what happened?” I asked again as we entered his bedroom.

  He opened a dresser drawer, digging through the pile of clothes until he pulled out a long sleeved black T-shirt. “We’re going out. I need to blow off some steam.”

  I wondered what had changed his mood and turned him into this closed off version of himself. If he’d slipped up and been with someone, would he tell me? “Where are we going?”

  “To the bar. I need a drink.” He tugged the shirt on over his head and sat down on the bed to put on socks and his boots.

  I’d never been to a bar. I was of legal age, but somehow it was just one of those things I hadn’t gotten around to yet. The idea of going out with Knox made the skin of the back of my neck tingle pleasantly. “If I go out with you, will you tell me what happened?”

  Dark eyes leapt up to mine as Knox finished lacing his boots. “Jaxon got in a fight a school. He fucked…um, slept with the quarterback’s girlfriend right before the big game.”

  “Oh. Did you talk to him, find out why he’d do that?”

  “Of course I talked to him. He said the guy was a douche bag and they have gym class together and the guy was always an ass to him. So he wanted revenge. But the team lost their football game because the quarterback was so torn up.”

  “And then they fought?”

  Knox shook his head. “No. He got jumped. Because once word got out what Jaxon had done, half the school was pissed at him.”

  “And the other half?”

  “Thought he was a hero.”

  Wow. Talk about high school drama. “Is he okay?”

  “He’ll live. He’s got some bruises and a fat lip.”

  “Is he here?” The nurturer in me wanted to go see if he was okay. Maybe bring him some pain reliever and some ice for the swelling, talk to him about his actions.

  Knox nodded. “Yeah, but they’re all in bed early tonight.”

  It sounded to me like he’d punished all three boys and sent them to bed early because of Jaxon’s mistake, but I kept my mouth shut, unwilling to question him when he was in such a foul mood.

  Knox rose from the bed and stalked toward me. “You ready?”

  His plan worried me. Anytime his life got stressful, Knox turned to drinking and sex. I knew they went hand in hand for him. Sudden unease at what the night held in store settled in the pit of my stomach. “I don’t know, Knox. Me? At a bar?”

  He shot me a pointed stare. “What do you do to blow off steam?”

  Without giving it a second thought, I rattled off my schedule. “Monday night I work at the food bank downtown, Tuesday I visit the youth shelter, Wednesdays I’ve been helping out on a Habitat for Humanity project, Thursdays I go to the Humane Society, and whenever I have time, I serve meals at the soup kitchen. Oh, and Saturday is group.”

  He shook his head at me. “My point exactly. Do you even know how to relax?”

  I forced the rigid tension in my shoulders to ease. I could do this. And if I didn’t babysit him tonight, who would? “So where are we going?”

  We walked the several blocks to a nearby bar, huddled into our coats the entire time. Once night fell, so did the temperature. Drastically. But once we stepped inside the cozy warmth of the tavern, my spirits lifted. Knox led the way to a booth across from the long bar and we sat down facing each other. It felt intimate and foreign being out with him like this, and I liked it. Knox’s eyes remained on mine as I slid out of my coat. He was wearing a dark leather jacket and coupled with the way his long-sleeved tee clung to his broad chest, it made my nipples tighten and rasp against my bra. My entire being took notice of his –on every level– both emotional and physical. It left me staggering for breath.

  “So, are we going to talk?” I asked after several tense moments.

  “Drinks first.” His eyes cast over to the bar. “What do you want?”

  My gaze followed his. Bottles of liquor were lined up along a glass wall behind the bar, overwhelming me. There were too many choices. “I- I’m not sure.”

  “You’ve never had a drink before?”

  “I’ve had a drink. But I’ve never ordered something for myself at a bar before.”

  “Beer? Wine? Something fruity? I’ll order for you, just tell me what sounds good.”

  I chewed on my lower lip. My parents died in a drunk driving accident. I’d never been big on drinking. “Something fruity I guess. But not too sweet.”

  He chuckled at me. “Got it.”

  A few moments later, Knox returned with a pale pink concoction in a tall glass for me, along with a bottle of beer and a shot of something for himself. He pushed the drink toward me and I took a sip from the straw. Mmm. It tasted like lemon-lime soda and cherries with a hint of something tart. Wait a second. “Is this a Shirley Temple?”

  He chuckled and shrugged his shoulders. “There’s alcohol in it.”

  “Are you mocking me?” I straightened my shoulders, lockin
g eyes with him.

  “Of course not, angel. Drink up.”

  I watched as Knox downed the shot in front of him, bringing it to his full lips and draining the glass in an easy swallow.

  “Can we talk about what you said at the soup kitchen…about me and you….”

  He nodded.

  I paused, taking my time. I didn’t know if I was really ready to go there with him yet. I decided on a different question that had been plaguing me for some time. “Knox I know you’ve told me about your addiction, but will you tell me how it first began? I need to understand. How did you get this way?

  “It’s second nature. I don’t think about it.” His eyes wandered away and he took a long sip of his beer.

  “I know. But I’m asking you to. To really examine it. And open up and share with me.” I knew I was asking a lot of him, and I didn’t know if he was brave enough.

  “I will. In time.”

  “What do I have to do for you to tell me?” I chewed on my lip, feeling brave.

  He smiled. “You want inside my head that bad?”

  I waited, silent.

  “Fine. Take a shot with me.”

  I opened my mouth to argue, then snapped it closed again. I could handle one shot. Couldn’t I?

  This time Knox returned with two shot glasses, each with clear liquor inside. He set one down in front of me and kept the other in his hand. “This your first shot?” he asked. I nodded. “Cheers, angel.”

  “How do I….” I paused with the shot glass halfway to my lips.

  “Tilt your head back. Open your throat. Let it slide down.”

  His voice was thick, laced with sexual tension, and my stomach knotted. But I did as he instructed, bringing the glass to my lips and tipping my head back. I felt his eyes on me the entire time, heating up the space between us. The stiff punch of liquor slid down easily, leaving only a slight bitter burn in the back of my throat. I quickly took a sip of my drink to clear away the taste.

  “Good girl.” He licked his lips and set his own empty glass down next to mine.

  I had a theory that Knox been looking for love and closeness in all the wrong places. His mother died and his father had run off, abandoning the family. And I knew he said he found his peace, if only for a short time, with girl after girl. The feeling never lasted long, though, and so he sought the next girl. I don’t think he knew he was stuck in that pattern until I’d come along and forced his eyes open. But I needed to hear Knox say it and connect the dots.