No Love Lost

by Lexi Blake

  Fear. Anxiety. Self-loathing put there by past events that had made him feel small.

  In the beginning he’d made the choice to be better for her, for the woman he’d always loved. In the end, he’d come to realize he deserved to have a better life. He was worth more than his father had given him.

  How the hell had the man not loved him? There was something deeply wrong with his dad because he’d only known Roman for a few hours and he would already give his life for the kid.

  Love welled up hard and fast, an emotion that was different from what he felt for Kim. It was different but no less strong.

  He should be angry with her. She’d kept their son from him for six fucking years, but he couldn’t find it. There was a little ember that had flared for a few hours, but it had died as he’d stood there and talked to his son. He was lying. It had died when she’d told him why she’d changed her path, why she’d gone from running away from Roman to running to him.

  I ran back to the fort because you were there and I had hope again.

  She wasn’t completely lost to him. Not if he could bring her hope.

  He still had questions. A whole lot of them. But he remembered the words he’d said to her that last day in Paris. He’d literally told her he was happy they hadn’t had kids. He’d told her she wouldn’t be a good mother. He’d spent years telling her he couldn’t love her, couldn’t forgive her. His cruelty had sent her running every bit as much as Levi’s had, and he wasn’t making the same mistake again.

  His brother, though… His brother was a completely different story.

  He could be damn mad at his brother.

  He believed Kim when she said she wasn’t interested in his brother in more than a familial way, but that didn’t mean Ezra wasn’t. He wasn’t sure what his brother was up to, but he intended to find out.

  “Hey.” Jax came down the stairs as quietly as a big dude possibly could. He held a cell phone in his hand—one of the burners they’d brought with them. “I’ve got Big Tag on the line. He and Theo have worked out our next move. Rob’s getting everything lined up, but Ian wanted to talk to you.”

  He bet Ian wanted to talk to him. He took the cell and stepped back into the kitchen, nodding Jax’s way. “Thanks, man.”

  “Everything go okay?” Jax asked, looking over to where Roman cuddled up to his mom.

  “He’s smart as a whip.” Beck felt a smile cross his face. “She’s done a great job with him. She’s kept him safe, and he seems open to having a dad in his life.”

  She hadn’t put her anger at him on Roman. Because despite all the shit Kim had been through as a kid, she’d never taken it out on anyone else. While he’d put up walls, she’d opened her heart to him time and time again.

  Could he get her to do it one more time? One more time, forever.

  “You are handling this with grace, brother. I’m proud of you,” Jax said.

  He didn’t want to think about how much those words meant to him. If he did, he might break down. For years after Ezra had “died,” he’d closed himself off. Becoming part of this weird family had softened him up for good. “She had her reasons. Watch over them for me, please.”

  Jax nodded and sat down on the stairs as Beck walked toward the back of the small house Ezra had guided them to. According to his brother, this place, like the boat they’d taken, were owned by wealthy members of the church Ezra worked with.

  His brother was a priest? That was what he’d been told. The people who’d loaned them the boat acted like Ezra was some kind of saint, though he wasn’t sure what they’d said because he didn’t speak Italian. He’d definitely heard them call him Padre. Was that a cover? Because the last time he’d checked his brother had been a soldier, and a damn good one.

  Or had that been an illusion? All their lives Beck had been the rebel and Ezra had been known for his good choices. His perfection. Ezra had been the one who did everything right, the one he was supposed to look up to.

  He shoved the thoughts aside and put the phone to his ear. Contemplation would have to wait.

  “Hey, Ian. How are the others? We’ve tried to keep our communication limited in case Levi’s kissed enough ass to get someone to point a satellite this way so he can listen in on us.”

  “Did I or did I not tell you to use a condom?”

  “What the fuck is wrong with you?” But he was laughing, trying to hold it together because he should have known that would be Tag’s reaction. “And if I had I wouldn’t have a super-smart kid and an excellent way to get back into his mother’s good graces.”

  Tag was quiet for a moment. “You’re really not upset about this? I was worried about your reaction. Finding out you’re an instadad can be stressful.”

  “Upset about my son? No. Maybe it’ll hit me later on that I lost all those years with him, but right now all I can think about is how much time we’ve got ahead of us. I’d given up hope of us having a kid. Hell, I didn’t even know if I would ever see her again, much less have a chance at a family.” He paced the hallway. “It’s not that I’m not upset. I am, but I’m also excited at the thought of him. So I have to choose which one is going to win. I think I’m going to go with being happy to have a kid. But it’s a cautious joy. Levi knows about him.”

  “Yeah, I was told he’s on Levi’s radar.” There was a pause over the line that let him know Ian was being careful about what he said next. “How is your brother?”

  “He’s sleeping like a baby, and I might have to go fix that.” He wasn’t sure he was going to wait until morning to have this out.

  “So he’s still alive.”

  “I haven’t killed him.” The yet was implied.

  “Can we talk about this now?” Tag asked expectantly.

  He was fairly certain Tag had been waiting to have this particular conversation for years. “You investigated my brother’s death.”

  “Of course I did. After Solo went missing, I did some checking. I think what she told you was true. I think Levi had an open investigation into one military unit that had some unsavory connections. You know as well as I do that soldiers are human beings, and that means there’s a small portion of them who are bad and who use their position to evil ends. I think your brother fell in with a group of them.”

  He’d done some of his own poking. “And only his untimely death stopped Levi from potentially prosecuting him or using it to fuck with me.”

  “I don’t know exactly what happened, but I think that’s a safe assumption,” Tag replied. “The question is why wouldn’t Solo tell you. I worry about that particular answer.”

  “Because my brother asked her not to.” He’d worked it out over the long hours in the boat. “Because my brother was ashamed, and he would rather die than let anyone know he wasn’t perfect. If I’m being honest, he would rather have died than let me down. I don’t know if you know this, but back then I was kind of a righteous asshole. I held him to an impossibly high standard.”

  “Dude, Kai deserves a medal. I told Jax he had to keep you from murdering your brother.”

  He sighed. “I’m not going to murder my brother. I might beat the shit out of him for putting my wife in that position, but then Kim is used to men putting her in the middle and fighting like dogs over her.”

  “A little beatdown between brothers never hurt anyone,” Tag suggested. “Well, it hurt Sean, but he’s a chef.”

  Beck rolled his eyes despite the fact Tag couldn’t see the reaction. “Yeah, he’s so delicate.”

  Sean Taggart was known as the Soldier Chef. He’d been the host of several television shows and had a network of restaurants across the US. Ian was a somewhat silent partner who’d made a ton of money backing his baby brother.

  “You would be surprised,” Tag said with a chuckle. “Jax tells me everyone’s all right, and I’ve been in touch with some of my friends at the Agency. Apparently they are unaware that Levi took a side trip. According to my friends, Levi’s scheduled to be back in DC tonight. But obviously we�
�ll want confirmation. He’s a slippery fucker. I’m sorry we didn’t catch him going into Malta.”

  Ian couldn’t have eyes on Levi at all times. “I missed him, too. I watched the fucker walk into her store and didn’t realize it was him. Do we have a theory about how he found her? Does he have eyes on me?”

  “Even if he did, we were careful. We covered our tracks. The only way he has eyes on you is from inside. And I don’t even want to think about that. I will, but damn. Alex, Li, and I have been up here all night looking for bugs. So far we’ve got nothing. Hutch is going to do a deep dive on our computer systems. We’ll figure out who’s working with him. I trust my old guys implicitly. I’ve got a couple of new hires we’ll have to look at.”

  He liked the whole crew, including the new hires. But something had gone wrong. “Are Theo, Tucker, and Rob really okay?”

  How would he ever look Erin, Roni, and Ari in the eyes again if he’d gotten their husbands thrown in jail?

  “Yes, they’re at the safe house closing it up and getting ready to move. Apparently Solo’s uncle has serious connections. The police didn’t want to fuck with him, and once they called back to the station, Levi left and fast. According to Theo, he’s got proof that Levi boarded a plane that’s supposed to head to the States. He could turn around, but he’s not welcome in Malta for now.”

  “You think we should go back?” They definitely couldn’t stay here for long.

  “No,” Tag replied. “I think you should do what Theo tells you to do. He’ll be there with the plane tomorrow afternoon. Hold down the fort until then. Talk to you soon.” The line went dead.

  He slid the phone back in his pocket and found himself standing outside his brother’s room.

  His brother was behind that door snoring away, and Beck was standing out here fighting the need to talk to him, or beat the crap out of him, or hug him and tell him how much he’d fucking missed him. How hard the years without him had been.

  But then Ezra had known where he was for a whole lot of years. Ezra had been raising Roman with Kim. His son was sleeping on a couch while Ezra took the only bed in the place.

  That didn’t sit well with him. Oh, sure he’d started out watching over Roman while Kim stayed up, but that wasn’t the way it ended. It wasn’t the way it was going to end.

  It was time to start taking back his life.

  He pushed through the door. “Get up.”

  Ezra’s eyes flew open and he sat straight up in bed. “What?” He looked around like he could find the threat. “What’s happening? Where’s Roman?”

  The threat was standing right in front of him. He was so ready to give his brother a beatdown, but it would have to wait. “My son and wife are sleeping on a way too small for the two of them couch while you’re all comfy in here. Somehow that doesn’t seem fair to me.”

  Ezra was up on his feet in a heartbeat. He shoved his socked feet into sandals. Freaking sandals. The last time he’d seen his brother, he’d been a Marine with a perfectly kept high and tight and clean-shaven face. Now it seemed like he was trying to look like his boss, with shoulder-length hair and the beginnings of a beard. He looked older. There were lines around his eyes that hadn’t been there before. Ezra’s hair was starting to gray, silver shooting through the dark brown. He was thinner than he used to be, lean but not without strength.

  “Kim was supposed to wake me up when she wanted to go to bed. I never meant for her to sleep on the couch. I was going to take that chair so someone would be in here with them,” his brother admitted. He pointed to a small chair that would have been incredibly uncomfortable.

  As much as he wouldn’t mind his brother being tortured in that thing all night, he had other plans. “You can take the couch in the living room.”

  “Beck, we should talk.”

  Beck shook his head. “No. We should have talked years ago. We should have talked when you got into trouble. We should have talked when you decided to blow up your life and my marriage.”

  “It wasn’t like that.” Ezra winced. “Not exactly.”

  He pointed his brother’s way. “Did you or did you not ask my wife to keep your secrets from me? Did you beg her? Did you tell her you wouldn’t be able to live knowing I knew how low you’d gotten?”

  It was the only explanation. He knew Kim. She didn’t like keeping secrets from him. She’d gotten good at it over the years, but only when it came to her job. After he’d been burned by the Agency, she’d been bound by her oath to keep some of those secrets. And even then she’d walked a razor’s edge to help him.

  It was funny what time and distance and a mega shit ton of therapy could do for a guy’s vision. It sharpened and softened all at the same time.

  Ezra got a stubborn glint in his eyes, the one he used to get when their parents would push him. Just like back then, it died and he sighed. “It wasn’t that simple, but yes. Yes, I did all of that.”

  “And you’ve known where I was for all these years. You could have dropped me a line, maybe an email telling me I have a son.”

  “I know you’re not going to believe this, but I wanted to,” Ezra countered. “I’ve wanted to contact you for a while now. Kim thought it was a bad idea. I think she was afraid you would be angry with her.”

  He shook his head. That wasn’t what she’d truly been afraid of. “She was afraid I wouldn’t care at all. She was wrong and she understands that now. This isn’t about her. It’s about you and whether or not I’m going to punch you in the face.”

  Ezra only backed up a little. “Is that all you’re thinking about doing?”

  “Jax has explicit instructions to not let me kill you. I don’t want to get him in trouble, and that’s the only reason I haven’t strangled you. Now get a move on. I’m bringing Roman and Kim in here. You can sleep on the couch and that way if anyone shows up to kill us all, they get you first and I’ll have time to get my family and run. See, you’re already serving a purpose.”

  “Beck,” he began.

  Beck shook his head. “I can’t tonight. Not with you. We’ll talk at some point, but understand that right now you’re here because Kim wants you here. I have a plane coming tomorrow and if you want to take that boat right back to Malta, you should feel free.”

  “I’m not leaving. I know it’s hard to believe but I’ve missed you. I can’t think of why right now, but I have.” Ezra yawned behind his hand. “But maybe I should stay in here and watch over them.”

  Beck stared at him.

  “Oh, you’re going to sleep in the chair. Got it. And you know you called her your wife, right?” Ezra pointed out. “She’s under the firm belief that you’re divorced.”

  He wasn’t planning on sleeping in the chair at all. He was going to start winning his wife back, and he wasn’t about to do it by getting a crick in his neck. He was going to show her how good it was to have a partner she could truly count on. He was going to be Roman’s dad. “She’ll be my wife again at the end of this if I have any kind of say in it.”

  “I thought you would be furious with her.”

  “Yeah, that’s the general consensus.” Well, he’d known he had a reputation. “How about I try to repair my marriage and get my family back and I be furious with you.”

  A ghost of a smile tugged his brother’s lips up. “I can handle that. But if you’re going to punch me, you need to understand that I took vows. I can’t punch you back. I’ll have to turn the other cheek.”

  He wouldn’t let that stop him at all. “Good.”

  “Seriously? You would punch a priest.”

  “If he’s my brother, yes. What am I supposed to call you? Father Ezra? Not happening.”

  “Father Kent,” Ezra admitted with a shrug. “That’s the name I’ve used. Ezra Kent.”

  He snorted. At least they still thought along the same lines. “That’s a stupid name. You should have picked something cooler.”

  “Says the man who literally used my name for decades.” Ezra sounded more like Ezra in that m
oment than he had the whole time. The whiny teen he’d been came out, and it pierced Beck through the heart that his brother was alive. Alive.

  That didn’t mean he had to forgive him. “I was honoring you. I thought you’d died in battle.”

  “I think you were trying to avoid being Mr. Black or whatever stupid color name the Agency wanted to pin on you. Mr. Vermilion or something.” Ezra followed him out into the hall and stopped at the sight of Kim and Roman cuddled up on the couch. He stared at them for a moment. “He’s a special kid.”

  And he suspected Ezra had something to do with that. “Kim said something about you walking him to school.”

  “Almost every day. It’s on my way to the hospital where I spend most of my time. Spent. I’m not sure what I’ll do now. Maybe go to jail. It’s okay. I can do good work there, too.”

  “I’m not sending you to jail.” His brother was too invested in his own drama. “But you need to understand that she’s mine.”

  Ezra cocked a brow. “She’s her own person.”

  “Who’s going to be my wife. And I’ll be her husband. Don’t pull that ‘I’m trying to own her’ crap. She can be incredibly possessive, too.”

  “That wasn’t the problem with our marriage.” Kim’s eyes opened. “Could you two keep it down? He’s tired.”

  “Pick him up and take him to the bedroom, please,” he instructed his brother.

  Ezra moved in and easily lifted Roman up. He arched a brow Beck’s way as though asking him why he couldn’t carry his own son.

  “I can get him,” Kim said, starting to ease off the couch.

  He couldn’t pick up his son because Kim should know she was important, too. She looked adorably disheveled as he reached down and picked her up, hauling her against his chest. “You’re tired, too. We’re taking the bed and my brother can suck it.”

  Ezra groaned but disappeared into the bedroom with Roman.