Can’t Let Her Go

by Le Carre, Georgia

  I pull my sweater on and whirl around to face her. “We are going to get through this. Things look and sound bad tonight, but the morning will come. When it does, we will assess our position and make plans. I’m not going to die in some crummy house in the middle of Russia. That isn’t my fate. And if it’s not mine, it’s not yours either. Now, we should probably sleep.”

  I watch her fasten her jeans, and I can’t stop the lust that floods my body again. I could take her right now, but I won’t. The closer I get to her the harder it will be to hand her over to Anakin. Just the thought is already sticking like a claw in my gut. I retrieve the Sherpa’s coat which is already dry and cover her.

  She smiles at me innocently.

  It makes me feel like a heel. I don’t know what Anakin has done to the other girls and what plans he has for her, but they can’t be good. I add another log to the fire, and I think perhaps we have enough for the night, but not enough for tomorrow. I push tomorrow out of my mind. I will face those problems when they arise. I bundle up and lie down next to her.

  She moves closer to me and lifts the coat. “We share,” she says.

  I nod and move against her, under the coat. Her heat radiates through me. I remember her orgasm. Then I have the wild and totally unrealistic thought that maybe I could buy her from Anakin. I have some money saved. I would give it all to him if he would sell her to me. The idea is so stupid it makes my eyes snap open. I stare into the fire blankly. The flames remind me that we all burn in the end. Maybe Katya and I will burn out quicker than most people.

  I close my eyes and tell myself to sleep. In the morning, in the morning …

  * * *

  I wake up freezing. A glance at the fire shows me there are only a few glowing embers left. There’s light in the room, so it’s after daybreak. I move and Katya rolls away, hugging the coat tighter. I scoot across the cold floor to the stack of wood and add a log to the fire. Then, I grab another log and stoke the embers. They’re hot enough I think to start the log burning. I hope so. The log in my hand is the last log in the house. I need to get more, but I’ll wait till she wakes. I want to see her when she first opens her eyes.

  I go to the window and look out. The wind has diminished as has the snow. The glass is too dirty and frosty to see much. I don’t need to see much to know this is a bad spot to be in, very bad. We’re going to get out today if we can. There’s absolutely no reason to stay if the weather cooperates. We will never be stronger than we are right now, never warmer, never more able to survive. Waiting for someone to rescue us is insane. Every hour does little but take a bit more of our energy.

  I grab some glasses and fill them from the pump. I carry the glasses three at a time to the bathroom and fill the toilet tank. I’m not sure why I’m doing this. I’m not usually so solicitous towards the women I sleep with. I suppose I want to give her some privacy. It’s not much. In fact, it’s a tiny thing, but that’s the best I can do for her.

  As I refill the toilet, I think about the night before, her orgasm. In a way, it was a stupid thing to do. It siphoned off a lot of her precious energy. Once the tank is nearly full, I go outside and relieve myself. It is so cold my urine becomes yellow ice as soon as it hits the ground.

  By the time I come back in, she’s awake. She smiles at me, the sweetest, brightest, most enchanting smile ever. No one would imagine that she is stuck in a cold hut in the middle of nowhere with death staring her in the face. Funny thing is I smile back. A smile that feels as if it is flowing from my heart.

  “I’ve filled the toilet tank,” I tell her. “You can use it.”

  Her eyes shine. “You filled it for me?”

  “Yeah. I decided to fertilize the grounds.”

  She laughs, and it’s a good strong laugh. The kind of laugh you wouldn’t expect from such a beautiful face. I could learn to love her laugh. I could learn to love it until Anakin shoots me in the face.

  I tell myself not to love the laugh too much.

  Hunter

  On her way to the toilet she gives me a kiss, just a little kiss, but it’s enough. It says all that needs to be said. She had a good night, and now she will join me in the business of getting us out of this mess. Even though my tongue has licked and sucked every inch of her, she closes the bathroom door modestly.

  For a few moments, I stand there staring at the closed door, then I open the front door and face a world of white.

  The snow has covered everything, and there is no trace of the tracks we made yesterday. In the distance, I think I can see the Ford Explorer. It’s another lump in the snow. Beyond that is the road, although I can see from here that it hasn’t been plowed or cleared. That’s not encouraging, but it is what it is. I look at the sky, and the light gray clouds are thinning. The sun will come out soon. At least, I think it will, but it will not have much heat. Zipping my jacket against the icy wind, I leave the porch to fetch wood.

  The snow is up to my knees, but it’s not wet and heavy and that’s a good thing. Slogging through wet snow would be brutal. The light stuff will be bad enough. I grab enough logs to get us through the morning because that’s as long as I think we should stay. The road is our only way out, and we have to reach it early in the day.

  It’s a desperate, mad idea, but it’s the only one I’ve got. If we don’t get picked up, we’ll face another night in the cold, and there’s no guarantee we’ll find any more shelter. Alone in the dark and cold with no fire, we’re facing almost certain death. If we huddle together, we might be able to stay warm. But waiting another day will only make us weaker and I can’t believe we won’t come across another human being on the road all day long.

  Inside, I’m happy to see I haven’t managed to kill the fire yet. It is burning brightly. Katya comes out of the bathroom, and I can tell that she’s done something to her hair, smoothed it out and combed it so it hangs around her breasts. And just like that … my cock starts straining in my pants. I turn away from her. The last thing we need is to waste any time having sex.

  “How are you?” I ask putting more logs onto the fire.

  “Fine,” she answers. “You?”

  “As good as it gets. Have a seat, we need to plan how we’re going to get out of this.”

  She sits on the mattress, and I settle down opposite her. I want to take her hand, but I don’t. “Here’s how I see things. The snow covered over every sign that we’re here. Someone might see the smoke from the chimney, but there’s no guarantee of that, and even if they do, they’ll hardly think it strange. No one is looking for us because we haven’t called anyone. Your parents won’t come looking because you’re on your way to America. The Sherpa’s family might start looking for him in a day or two, but that’s not guaranteed either. He might not even have a family. Our phones won’t work. In short, we’re on our own. Any rescue attempt won’t happen for days if ever. They might not even find the vehicle before spring.”

  “So, you’re thinking we should walk out?” she asks.

  I nod. “I know it sounds crazy, but I don’t see any way around it. Every day we wait, we’ll grow a little weaker. It will get harder. We have plenty of water and there’s enough wood for another two or three days, but we don’t have food. I don’t see anything moving out there, and even if I could, I don’t have anything to hunt them with.”

  “What about the Sherpa?”

  My eyes widen. “I know people in dire straits will eat anything they can find, but we’re not going cannibal just yet.”

  She shakes her head. “What I mean is … are we going to leave him here?”

  “We don’t have much choice. I’m a foreigner and I don’t want any trouble. When we get back to the States, you can send a note to the embassy and explain what happened.” I don’t tell her that I’ve been bred to keep a safe distance from the police. Under no circumstances am I going to them for help.

  “I understand,” she says.

  “So, we’re going to be leaving soon. Once we’re on the move, we won’t ta
lk unless we have to. We’ll get to the road and we’ll walk it until someone picks us up. I can’t see how anyone would drive on and leave us to die out here. When we’re picked up, you will tell them that we went into the ditch during the storm. We found a little house to stay in, but our vehicle is out of commission. We won’t mention the Sherpa, OK?”

  She nods.

  “And when we get to a town, we’ll get a ride on a train or bus or something. I don’t think I can rent a car.”

  “I can’t either.”

  “If we’re lucky, we’ll be well out of Russia before the Sherpa is found. I don’t know about you, but that’s fine with me.”

  “Actually, me too.”

  “Good, so we’ll leave as soon as we’ve had something to drink. People dehydrate in the cold just like they do in the heat.”

  She squeezes my hand. “You’re not sure we’ll make it, are you?”

  I don’t tell her that I don’t like our odds. I keep that to myself. “I won’t lie to you. People die in the cold all the time, but if we can hike the road, we have a good chance. Better than staying here.”

  “We could make a sign or something.”

  “We could spell out HELP or something, but it could snow again later and it would take a plane to find the message. I don’t know how many flights go over or how observant their pilots are. If we didn’t have a road, I’d go for it. But we have a road.”

  “I am ready to go with you.”

  “Drink some water.”

  I watch her tip her head back and chug down two whole glasses of water. I’m glad she’s game for the try. I look around the room. I’ll kill the fire when we leave. I’d hate to burn down the house. I pull out my phone and turn it off. Draining the battery by trying to find a connection won’t do us any good. “Wear the Sherpa’s coat over yours, and you’ll be that much warmer.”

  She nods and takes the coat.

  I go to the fireplace and move the logs apart. They might burn for a while, but not for long. I take some water from the sink and douse the embers. I hate to see a good fire die. Fire is a good thing. “Ready?” I ask.

  “Yes.”

  “I’ll lead. You follow in my footprints, got it?”

  She nods nervously.

  “This is adventure,” I tell her. “This is what keeps us alive. We’ll make it.”

  She presses her lips and nods again.

  I lead us out of the house and wait till she is out before I close the door. Without wasting time, I step off the porch and turn for the road. At that moment the clouds part, and a ray of sunlight hits the bright snow, almost blinding me. Maybe I’m an idiot for going out like this, but then, I don’t have much choice. It’s either be an idiot or hang around and starve to death. In my life, I’ve always tried to be the doer, not the one that things are done to. It seems to work for me.

  A few yards away, I feel her touch my shoulder, and I turn to look at her.

  She points with her hand. “Is that Sherpa over there?”

  I glance over at the lump in the snow. His bright blue scarf had been disturbed by the wind and it was blowing like a flag. Almost as if calling to us. I stared at it. He was a good Sherpa while he lasted. I have no doubts about his ability. He did what he could. Too bad he had to die in that shelter.

  “Shouldn’t we say a prayer for him?” Katya asks.

  We don’t have time, but he’s dead and she wants him to have a sendoff. “Fine,” I say moving in the direction of his waving scarf. We stand in front of the Sherpa shaped lump of snow. “Go on then,” I encourage.

  “Dear God,” she begins. “Please take this man’s soul into heaven. I have no idea if he deserves it, but he did his best by us, and that counts for something. Amen.” She makes the sign of the cross.

  I’ve never had the time for religion. My take on God is simple. If there was a kind God above and we were all his children, he would never have allowed what happened to me to go on year after year. He would never allow men like Anakin to lord over men like Mooch.

  She looks up at me. “It is a good thing we said our prayers for him.”

  I shrug. “You did.”

  “Don’t you believe in God?” she asks curiously.

  “Nah.”

  “But if you don’t believe in God where will you go after you die?”

  I laugh bitterly. “Hell, maybe.”

  Before she can say anything else I turn away. This is going to be a very hard slog and we better get on.

  Katya

  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ClU3fctbGls&index=145&

  I follow in his footsteps, literally.

  His legs are longer than mine so his stride is long, but I can manage. And following is far better than leading. In snow this deep, leading is very hard work. The cold makes my nose tingle and run, but the extra coat keeps me warm. I won’t freeze to death just yet.

  The walk reminds me of when I was small, a child sent to school. Many days I had to walk, and in the winter, it was always a freezing cold walk, mostly in the snow. I was never afraid then. There were houses, buildings and cars, and the cold was merely an inconvenience, not deadly. I used to sing even though I was never a good singer. It was easier to walk if one had a rhythm. The steps were the tempo.

  How many times did I hear the same song in my head? I hear it now. But the tempo is too fast. This is slow, methodical. I look up, and he has moved a little bit ahead. I want to tell him that I think he’s walking too fast. He will wear out, and then, he will quit. There is a science to walking in the cold. Moving too fast, breathing too hard, the lungs will be damaged. If he fails, we will both die.

  This thought almost makes me sick.

  Hunter gave me the best gift I ever received. He is the reason we’re still alive. He’s done all the right things. But while I am grateful I don’t fully trust him. I know he still plans to hand me over to Anakin. I suppose the harsh truth is he shouldn’t trust me either because the first opportunity I get, I plan to escape. He’s a foreigner here. He will never be able to find me. I feel bad for what Anakin will do to him, but he doesn’t have to go back to him. He could run away too. If he doesn’t, it’s his business. I have to think of my poor parents and my sister. They’ll need money from me. I step into the next footprint.

  How much farther?

  I shield my eyes the best I can and look up. The sun reflecting off the snow is brutal. It is white-white, blinding. Still, I do what I have to do. I follow. And I don’t talk because as Hunter said that takes energy. I already feel that I don’t have enough. The last time I ate was a slice of birthday cake and my stomach is growling like crazy at the thought of food. To take my mind of the hunger pangs, I keep my head down and savor the memory of last night’s orgasm.

  In a way, dying in the cold would be the perfect solution. I will not be beaten because I am no longer a virgin. I will not be sold into slavery. I will not join a harem in some far away land, but I don’t want to die. I’m only eighteen. I want to escape and find a way to help my family. The money that they have been getting from Anakin is going to stop as soon as he finds out I became a runner. Adventure, that’s what the American calls this. He sees adventure.

  Suddenly, I see him running ahead of me.

  What?

  Protecting my eyes with my hands I see why. A truck is coming along the road, and he is trying to reach the road before the truck passes. He moves quickly, and then, he falls. I chase, and now his steps are too far apart for me. I can’t reach every one of them, which slows me. I watch as he gets up and runs, but he’s limping now.

  He hurt his leg in the fall.

  It’s clear he’s not going to make it. Even as I watch, the truck passes without slowing. He waves and shouts, but the truck is gone. If they saw him, they ignored him. He stands, waving far longer than he should. They’re gone. We’re still here, and now he’s hurt. I hope he isn’t hurt badly.

  The truck is no more when he limps onto the road. He is slower than before. He has used a lot of
energy, precious energy.

  I follow. I lower my head and concentrate on his steps. If he stepped in a hole, I don’t want to repeat his fall.

  I concentrate on the steps, the snow. I reach the place where he fell, and I see the hole he stepped into. I avoid the hole and keep going. I hope Hunter hasn’t hurt himself too badly. If there isn’t a ride, we will have a long walk. If he’s hurt … There is a sharp pain in my chest. I don’t complete the thought. Of course, he’s not hurt.

  He’s waiting for me on the snow covered road. It’s been plowed, but it’s still snow covered. It will be a much easier walk, but I see nothing in either direction.

  “Are you all right?” I ask.

  “Yeah, I’m fine. Stupid, fucking hole,” he curses. “And for what? I missed the truck anyway.”

  “It was worth the try.”

  “Maybe. Which way?”

  I look in both directions. Everything looks the same. “I have no idea which way we are going.”

  “I don’t know either,” he says. “And I have no idea if we’re closer to the town we are going to, or to the town we left.” He holds his hand up to his eyes and squints into the distance. “That’s the car, I think. That means we were going that way.” He points in the opposite direction.

  “I think so too. We can walk side by side if you want. We just need to keep an eye out for vehicles. We don’t want to get run over.”

  “I agree. Russians are maniacs on the road.”

  Walking single file doesn’t appeal to me. This will be boring enough the way it is.

  “Let’s go.” He walks on my left, putting me closest to the side of the road.

  Now that he’s hurt, I find it easy to keep up with him. “What did you hurt?” I ask.

  “Ankle. Just a little twist. Luckily, it’s too cold for the thing to swell much.”

  “Painful?”

  “I’ve had worse.”

  I remember his little speech about not talking, so I don’t ask any more questions. We walk in silence, and I let my mind wander. The sun’s brightness makes me look down at my feet. There is something to be said for not looking too far ahead. If you don’t look, you don’t wonder when you’re going to reach that next rise.