Forever: A Friends Novel

by Monica Murphy

  And then she left me standing there, dumbfounded as I watched her walk away, staring at her perfect ass in those tight jeans. It took me a few seconds to get out of my Amanda-induced stupor before I started to wander.

  I immediately become irritated. There are so many people here, I can barely move from room to room. I find my mother holding court in what she calls the sitting room, surrounded by cheerleaders and members of the drill team, most of them sitting on the floor and listening to her college cheerleading stories with rapt fascination.

  The woman is a total narcissist. She loves an audience—when she’s composed and not strung out on prescription pills.

  I’m sure the majority of those girls sitting there listening to her drone on about frat parties, hot football players and shaking her pompoms think that if they get in good with my mother, somehow they’ll get in good with me. I’m not being arrogant when I think this—it’s pretty much fact. The problem? I despise my mother. I don’t believe she thinks too highly of me either.

  The way to my heart isn’t through her.

  I bolt before anyone sees me lingering by the sitting room, because it feels like a trap. I go in search of and finally find a familiar face—Cannon sitting in an overstuffed chair in the living room with tiny Em perched on his lap. She’s balancing a plate on her hand that’s full of food and she’s feeding Cannon like he’s some sort of invalid. I’m about to give him shit for it, but the expression on his face is the happiest I’ve ever seen him, so I let it go. We make small talk for a few but Em keeps batting her eyelashes at him and murmuring stuff I can’t hear. They’re so into each other, I feel like an intruder. So I leave them too.

  My teammates are in clusters throughout the house and I congratulate them all as I see them. Ryan and Livvy are standing in a corner in the hall near the front door, her arms crossed, his expression thunderous. Looks like another storm is brewing there.

  Pass.

  I find Eli Bennett and Lauren making out on the front porch, and she pulls away from Eli when she realizes I’m standing there, a drunken smile fixed on her swollen lips. “Jordan, hi!”

  I feel like I can do no wrong when it comes to this chick, and it sucks. She needs to get over me for once and for all. “What’s up?” I say to the both of them.

  “Great game tonight,” Eli says with genuine enthusiasm as he slings his arm over Lauren’s shoulders and pulls her in close. She doesn’t fight him either. She’s fully embracing this weird relationship. “That last play was fucking amazing, Tuttle! Is Halsey forever indebted to you and my brother now or what?”

  I ignore his question. “Thanks. Your brother did an outstanding job tonight.” I clap on Eli’s shoulder and give him a shove. “You’ll have some major shoes to step into when it’s your turn.”

  His eyes light up and then he goes into complete Bennett bragging mode. “Aw, I’ve got this. By the time I’m the quarterback they’ll be saying, ‘Tuttle who?’”

  Lauren laughs nervously, sending me an apologetic look. I smile, but I know deep down inside they’ll never say that.

  They’ll always remember who I am.

  “You two have fun tonight,” I tell them as I start to walk away, but I hear Lauren tell Eli something and then she’s chasing after me, calling my name and trying to get me to stop.

  Shit. I take a deep breath to prepare myself for the Lauren onslaught and turn to find her standing in front of me, expectation written all over her questioning face. “What do you want from me, Lauren?”

  She seems faintly taken aback by my gruff tone and irritated question, but she flips past it quick. “I wanted to talk to you. About…” Her voice drops and I lean in a little closer so I can hear her. “My sister.”

  I frown. “What about Candace?” If people think Lauren’s a nightmare, they haven’t met her older sister. Candace is a holy terror. One of the biggest bitches you will ever meet, guaranteed. Almost as cold and calculating as my mother.

  And that’s saying a lot.

  Lauren frowns. “You know what’s going on with her, right?”

  I hate it when she plays games. When anyone plays games. Why can’t people be straightforward with me for once? “I have no clue what’s going on with your bitchy sister and I don’t really care either.” I’m about to walk away, but Lauren stops me with a hand on my forearm. I turn to look at her, see the concern on her face. The confusion.

  Dread sinks like a stone in my stomach. Whatever she’s about to tell me, it’s not going to be good.

  “What is it?” I ask, my voice sharp. “Just spit it out, Lauren. Tell me.”

  She sighs and lets go of my arm. “My sister. She’s having an affair with…your father.”

  I go completely still, my blood running cold. Okay. That was the last damn thing I expected her to say.

  “I thought you knew, Jordan. It’s been going on for a while now. A few months at least. She first told me about it a couple of weeks ago, said she threatened your dad that she was going to tell your mom and he practically dared her to do it,” Lauren explains, looking miserable. “She wants a real relationship with him and he told her she’s never going to get it.”

  “He’s right,” I say, trying to push past the heavy weight that feels like it’s settled firmly on my chest. “He will never give Candace a real relationship, because he doesn’t know how.”

  Lauren’s voice drops to a low whisper. “I don’t know what to do. She’s dropped out of college. She won’t listen to my parents and they’re this close to kicking her out. But she has nowhere to go. Mom and Dad don’t know what she’s doing, but if they found out, they’d probably cut her off forever. She’s on this downward spiral and your father is making it happen.”

  I take a step back, trying to get away from her accusatory tone, her angry eyes. “What do you expect me to do about it? I can’t fix him, Lauren. He’s completely unfixable. And he definitely won’t listen to me, he never has. He doesn’t give a shit about me, just like he doesn’t give a shit about your sister. The biggest mistake she could’ve ever made was to get involved with him.”

  “So you won’t help?” she asks incredulously.

  “I can’t help. There’s nothing I can do for you. Or for Candace.” Like they’ve ever done anything for me anyway. Why should I help them?

  Lauren is slowly shaking her head, the disappointment on her face clear. “I thought you were becoming kinder, Jordan. I thought maybe somehow you being with Amanda would make you a more caring person, because she’s so nice and she does something for you that no other girl ever has. But I guess I was wrong,” she admits, her eyes filling with tears. She blinks them away, and I can feel the frustration radiating from her.

  I can’t believe she called Amanda nice. I can’t believe she thought I could change. I start to laugh, unable to help myself. “I haven’t changed, Lauren. I will never change. It doesn’t matter who I’m with or what I’m doing, I am who I am. And if that makes me a rude asshole just like my father, then so be it.”

  Lauren’s lips part, her gaze going just beyond my shoulder, and I whirl around to find Amanda standing there, her mouth dropped open in shock, her pretty cheeks blazing pink with…what? Embarrassment? Disgust? Worry? Anger?

  “So you’re not going to help her?” she chokes out, her voice raspy.

  I frown and take a step toward her, but she backs away, like she doesn’t want to be near me. “You actually want me to help her?”

  Amanda’s lips snap shut, her eyes narrowed. She looks seriously pissed. On Lauren’s behalf? I find that hard to believe. “Why wouldn’t you? She needs you, Jordan.”

  I can’t freaking win with either of these girls, I swear. “She just wants to cause trouble between us, can’t you see that? You’re always complaining about her. Always insecure when it comes to my past with Lauren.”

  Amanda flinches, like my words physically hurt her. “This has nothing to do with Lauren and everything to do with her sister and your—father having an affair. You actu
ally want him to cheat on your mother?” She mirrors my earlier question.

  “I never said that—”

  “You don’t really care though, do you,” she interrupts.

  Lauren takes this moment as her cue to leave. The chicken. Not that I can blame her.

  “What my parents do is none of my business. Or yours,” I say once Lauren is gone. I take a step closer to Amanda, grabbing hold of her arm so she can’t escape. “Their marriage has been in trouble for a long time, Amanda. I can’t stop them from doing anything to hurt each other.”

  “You could tell your dad to leave Candace alone, but you won’t, will you? Because you don’t care. You’d rather focus on yourself and screw everyone else.” She jerks out of my hold, her eyes blazing with anger. “Lauren’s right. You haven’t changed at all.”

  “You’re right. Is that what you want to hear? That I haven’t changed? That I’ll never change, despite us being together?” I glare at her, frustration bubbling up and bursting out of me like an erupting volcano. “You can’t turn me into a different person, no matter how hard you try. Lauren’s right. I’m not nice, just because you are. And that’s something you’re going to have to deal with if you want to be with me.”

  Her lower lip trembles like she’s going to cry and I immediately wish I could take back everything I said.

  “I don’t want to change you,” she whispers, wrapping her arms around her middle. “I just hoped…” Her voice drifts and she shakes her head before she slowly turns away.

  “Amanda. Wait—” I start, but my words are meaningless.

  She’s gone before I can say another word.

  And like the asshole I said I am, I don’t chase after her either.

  It’s been three weeks. Yes, you heard that right, it’s been three long, painful, miserable weeks since I talked to Jordan Tuttle, and I feel like I’m slowly dying with every single day that passes.

  Dramatic, right? Yes, I am in full blown dramatic mode right now and it freaking sucks. No one wants to be around me, and I can’t blame them. Thank goodness the football season is over so I won’t have to be around the team and see Jordan on a daily basis.

  Stupid Jordan Tuttle and his big mouth and sullen attitude. He’s not been in school much. Too busy being courted by the various universities who want him to go to their school in the fall. His options are endless. He’s a freaking local star, and someday he’ll probably become a national star too.

  Me? I’m doing my best. Going through the motions. At night, after I finish my homework, I work on my college applications. I can only apply to five because that’s the limit Mom and Dad will pay for application fees. My SAT scores are strong. My extracurricular activities are a plus and my grades are excellent. I can probably get into plenty of good colleges, but can I get a scholarship too? There’s not enough money to take care of my education without me having to contribute heavily.

  I don’t know how I’m going to do that.

  The hours at Yo Town are pitiful, so the weekend after the big game, I go on a job search and find one at a small gift shop in the mall. It’s not the best job—the hours are going to suck since I’m working mostly the closing shift and the mall doesn’t close until nine most nights. But I can’t complain. It’s money. My parents were able to get George’s car fixed and they gave it back to me, so I’m able to drive to and from my job.

  They see me trying, which is a hell of a lot more than what they’re getting from George, who’s barely passing his online courses, so right now, I’m winning in the Winters household.

  Plus, Mom knows I’m hurting. She doesn’t ever say anything mean or awful. Doesn’t tell me Jordan Tuttle doesn’t deserve me or that I’m better off without him. For those first couple of nights right after we argued over those crappy things he said to me and to stupid Lauren Mancini at his party, Mom came into my room, sat on the bed with me and held me without a word while I cried into her shoulder. It was just the comfort I needed.

  In gossipy news, Cannon and Em are going strong. They’re an official couple. They walk all over campus with their arms looped around each other, and they look kind of funny. Big ol’ Cannon and tiny Em. But they’re so happy when they’re together. You can see the happiness radiate from them both. It’s downright magical.

  Yes, I’m still a romantic. Jordan didn’t totally kill my vibe.

  Ryan and Livvy broke up. Yes, they broke up. Can you believe it? It was for the best, though. Those two were fighting almost every day, and during one of their infamous quad arguments, when she threw out the words, “Maybe we should just break up then and get it over with,” Ryan finally agreed.

  I think his answer shocked her, but they ended it then and there with little protest.

  And trust me, they didn’t mourn the relationship for long. Ryan found someone new—a pretty girl on the drill team who’s a former gymnast and has really long legs. Supposedly Ryan has found a new appreciation for girls who can do the splits and backbends.

  Gross, right?

  Livvy and Dustin aren’t together, but they’re not with anyone else either. They’ve fallen back into that “just friends” mode they were in before, the one that got them into so much trouble in the first place. But I think one of them is going to make a move soon, and make their relationship official.

  On a side note, Livvy’s mom ended it with her creepy boyfriend Fitch, and Livvy was so happy, she wanted to have a party. But then she realized her mom was really broken up over it, so they’ve been hanging out more, doing mom and daughter stuff, which is nice.

  Kyla and Blake have started dating. They are moving so slow you’d think they were turtles in another life, but that’s okay. Kyla’s delicate, and Blake is shy. They have a lot in common, and Kyla’s confided that he makes her laugh. I don’t think Kyla’s had much laughter in her life these last four years, so I’m thinking that’s a good thing.

  On the friendship front, we’ve forged a new group. Me, Livvy, Kyla and…Em. Surprising, right? It’s early days and I’m not sure how long this might last, but I feel good so far. It’s a step forward for Em and Livvy, and though they’re not extremely close like they used to be, they’re friendly. They can laugh together. And that’s major. I also convinced Livvy that Kyla isn’t boring. She’s actually a lot of fun, she’s just quiet, and they’re the ones who’ve gotten close fast. It’s nice. I have a clique, a group, and we’re all good friends.

  So yeah. Everything’s coming together. We had a week off for Thanksgiving break and it was nice to get away from the drama that is school. Between both jobs, I worked a lot, spent the night at Livvy’s along with Kyla one night, helped my mom prepare for Thanksgiving since we host it every year, and I worked my first Black Friday, which sucked.

  Now it’s Monday morning and I’m back on campus, dumping a few things in my locker before I go to first period. Livvy’s waiting for me so we can walk together, and I don’t notice the note caught up in the vents of my locker door until I’m just about to close it.

  “What’s that?” Livvy asks from over my shoulder, pointing at my door.

  Oh. My heart leaps and I tell it to settle down. Even if it is from Jordan, I should tell him forget it. Seriously. Why hasn’t he talked to me? Apologized to me? Told me that he misses me and wants me back and he screwed up so damn bad that he hates himself?

  Yeah, that’s never going to happen.

  “Looks like a note,” I mumble, grabbing the paper from the vent and unfolding it carefully. I recognize the writing from that last note I received in my locker. The one Jordan never claimed to have written, though I always sensed he had.

  There are paragraphs scribbled across the paper, and I squint, trying to read the messy, slashing handwriting.

  “What’s it say?” Livvy asks curiously, but I shush her so I can read it.

  I’m sorry. So sorry.

  For everything.

  I was an idiot for letting you go and not chasing after you. I should’ve. You’re worth chasing aft
er. What Lauren had just told me blew my mind, and though it has nothing to do with you, I guess it does because everything I do affects you as long as you’re in my life. I didn’t realize that until you left me.

  But I wasn’t lying when I told Lauren I would never change. This is who I am, Amanda. Flaws and all. I have a lot of them. I’m a lot to deal with, I know this. But I want you to know I never, ever meant to hurt you. It kills me to know you’re in pain over something I did. I wasn’t lying when I said I was an asshole. I bet you’re nodding your head and agreeing, aren’t you? I can’t blame you.

  But I want to be better. Better for you.

  I miss you.

  I miss your laugh.

  Your smile.

  Your lips.

  Your eyes.

  Your hair.

  Your body.

  Your brain, because you’re the smartest person I know.

  Maybe you’re not ready to have this conversation face to face yet, and that’s okay, so for now I’m going to leave a note in your locker every single day until you’re ready.

  Love,

  Jordan

  My heart is cracking in two. I clutch the paper to my chest and breathe deep, closing my eyes, fighting the tears that are always right there, ready to fall. They’re gone fast and I open my eyes to find Livvy staring at me, her head tilted and her lips pursed.

  “You okay?”

  I nod, too afraid to speak. I might babble like an incoherent idiot.

  “Is the note from Jordan?”

  I nod again and she smiles, though she’s shaking her head.

  “How many chances are you going to give him?”

  I clear my throat. “As many I can handle.”

  Her shoulders slump. “Amanda.”

  I mimic her. “Olivia.”

  “I’m being serious. He’s hurt you so many times already…”

  “Yes, he’s hurt me, but I don’t think he can help it.” I hope I’m not making excuses for his crappy behavior.