Forever An Ex

by Victoria Christopher Murray

  My mouth was shut so tight, I started grinding my teeth. I shook my head hard. “No.”

  “Mom! How can you say no to a trip to Paris?”

  “Because I’m the mother and I’m the only one who can say yes or no.”

  “But Dad has a say and Mom Caroline has a say, too.”

  “No, she doesn’t,” I said, my voice rising. “Caroline doesn’t have a damn say in your life.”

  Now, here’s the thing—once Angel was born, I decided to live my life better. And one of those better things was to stop cursing. I wasn’t perfect. I’d said that word a time or three every month. But never had I cursed my child, and her shock was as evident as mine. Her eyes widened and filled with tears.

  Bringing down my voice and my tone, I touched her arm. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said it like that.”

  A single sob escaped her throat.

  “Do you accept my apology?” I asked softly.

  When she nodded, a tear slipped down her cheek.

  My heart broke every time my child cried, but there was nothing I could do in this moment. Because her pain was about to get worse.

  “But here’s the thing, Angel. I’m the only one who gets to make the big decisions in your life.”

  “What about me? Don’t I get to make any decisions about my life?”

  I shook my head. “Not yet. You don’t have enough experience to know what’s best for you.”

  She hesitated as if she wasn’t quite sure if she should speak. But then she decided to just go for it. “Do you know what’s best for me?” she asked softly. “I mean, you don’t even want to travel. You don’t want to see the same kinds of things I want to see and learn the same kinds of things I want to learn. Mom Caroline has taught me so much, and now she’s giving me the chance to go to Paris. And she spoke to the school and Ms. Downs said she thought this was an amazing opportunity, too.”

  My daughter had just stabbed me with the truth, but I didn’t even have time to recover because now I had to deal with the fact that plans for this trip were already in motion. “Caroline went behind my back and spoke to the principal?” This time I was able to keep the volume out of my voice, but not the growl.

  Angel nodded with fresh tears in her eyes. My chair scraped against the floor as I pushed it back. I grabbed my empty bowl and marched toward the trash cans.

  “Mom!” Angel called after me.

  I didn’t turn around. At the overflowing trash bin, I stuffed that Styrofoam bowl on top, pushing it down, and imagining that the bowl was Caroline’s face.

  I had no doubt now. She was trying to steal my daughter. This was war!

  Chapter

  Eight

  I didn’t even care that Angel was sitting in the car next to me. The moment I slid inside, I clicked on my seat belt, hooked up my Bluetooth, then punched my finger so hard across Bobby’s name when his number popped up that I was sure I’d cracked my phone’s screen.

  “What’re you trying to pull, Bobby?” I screamed the moment he answered. I didn’t even bother to explain what I was talking about. Bobby knew what was up. “So, I tell you Angel can’t move to New York and you come up with a trip to Paris in the middle of the school year?”

  “Calm down, Asia,” he said. “This is a last-minute trip that Caroline has to take.”

  “I don’t care what it is,” I said. “Angel is not going.”

  From the passenger seat, my daughter sobbed.

  “Asia,” and then Bobby hesitated, “where are you? Is Angel with you?”

  “Yeah, Daddy, I’m here,” Angel cried even though I’d given her a wicked side-eye. I guess she felt that things couldn’t get any worse so she might as well speak up.

  I did hate that she was hearing all of this. I never let Angel see, hear, or be a part of any disagreement between me and Bobby. But this right here was out of control. I’d been tricked by Bobby, and ambushed with some phony dinner by my own daughter.

  “Asia!” Bobby said my name as if he was about to scold me.

  “Look, Bobby.” I stopped him. “You were the one who brought her into this. You were the one who sent her to me when you and Caroline could have told me about this last Sunday.”

  “We didn’t know about it then. We just found out on Wednesday, called Angel and her school on Thursday, and decided that Angel should talk to you today. But we should finish this when we can speak alone . . . and when you’ve calmed down.”

  He never raised his voice, and so to Angel I probably sounded like a raving maniac.

  But I didn’t care. “No, we’re doing this now because I don’t like the way any of this is being handled. You send Angel to talk to me, you go behind my back to the school, and you want me to calm down?”

  “Caroline and I thought it would be best if Angel told you about the trip, and the only reason we went to her school was because if there was going to be any issue with her missing classes, then we wouldn’t have brought it up to you at all.”

  “What you and your wife seem to be forgetting is that I’m Angel’s mother!”

  “And even if you didn’t feel the need to keep telling everybody, we know that.”

  “Well, you need to act like you know. And you need to respect who I am. I’m the one who makes these decisions about my daughter.”

  “Our daughter. We make these decisions together. And maybe I was wrong,” he said, finally sounding a bit agitated. “Maybe I shouldn’t have told Angel to talk to you, but I didn’t know what was best. You make it so hard, and after last Sunday, we hoped that you’d listen to Angel. I figured you’d hear how excited she was and then you’d call me to get the details.”

  “Well, you were wrong and she’s not going!”

  I pressed the Bluetooth off, just in time to hear Bobby say, “A—” He didn’t even get to the second syllable of my name.

  Angel’s sobs had turned into a full-fledged cry, but all I did was press the accelerator. I was smokin’ mad . . .

  Within five minutes, we were home . . . and from the car to the elevator, and then finally into our apartment, Angel and I didn’t exchange one word. When we walked in the door, Angel ran up to her bedroom, and I would’ve done the same, except anger had drained all the energy out of me. So, I just stomped to mine, slammed my door, then called Sheridan.

  The moment she answered the phone, I started talking, trying to tell her the whole story without hyperventilating.

  “Calm down,” Sheridan kept saying to me. “This sounds like we need a prayer meeting.”

  “Yeah . . . somebody needs prayer! Bobby and Caroline if they ever try to pull something like this again.” The truth was, I didn’t want a prayer meeting. I already knew what Kendall would say, but Sheridan, as a mother, would see it my way.

  At least, that’s what I thought until Sheridan said, “Honestly, Asia, I think this is a wonderful opportunity.”

  “How can you say that when this is all about them trying to take my child away from me? This is just a trick of Caroline’s to get my daughter,” I said, knowing that I sounded half crazy and totally paranoid. But I knew what I knew.

  “I don’t think so, but let’s say you’re right. Let’s say that Caroline is using an amazing trip to take Angel from you. That would never work. Because you’re her mother . . .”

  “That’s what I keep trying to tell everybody!”

  “And you’re a good mother,” Sheridan continued. “There would be no basis to take her away. There’s nothing for you to worry about.”

  What Sheridan said was true, but my worries had nothing to do with the law; my worries were about the heart. I wasn’t sure Angel’s heart was big enough for me and Caroline. Suppose I ended up on the losing end?

  “But here’s the thing,” Sheridan began. “You can’t keep saying no to Angel just because you don’t like Caroline. Don’t hold on to
Angel so tightly that you choke her, because then you’ll lose her for sure. Angel loves you, Asia, and that’s all you need to know.”

  “I gotta go!” I hung up before either one of us said good-bye.

  Sheridan was supposed to be ranting the way I was. Obviously, I hadn’t explained the situation clearly enough. I needed to speak to someone who really understood me.

  I picked up my cell and tried again. “Noon,” I said, the moment she answered. “Wait until you hear this.” Sheridan had sobered me up a bit, so I was way more somber as I told Noon the story.

  “Girl!” Noon exclaimed when I finished. “Angel’s going to Paris?” It sounded like she was over in her condo in Fox Hills doing one of those hallelujah Holy Ghost dances—and she didn’t even go to church! “I’ve always wanted to go to Paris.”

  What was she talking about? Noon had never mentioned any kind of traveling to me.

  “You know I speak French, right? Oui, oui.” She laughed.

  Had everyone in my world lost their mind? “Noon, this is not funny!”

  “What?”

  “Didn’t you hear anything I said? I don’t want her to go.”

  “Why not?”

  “Because . . . because she’s gonna miss school.”

  “You said that’s not gonna be a problem, and even if it was, tell me which is the better way for Angel to spend a week—sitting in some stuffy school reading textbooks or actually being in a foreign country and meeting people and seeing places that she’s never seen before?”

  I said nothing.

  “Exactly,” Noon said as if my silence was an answer. “She’ll probably get extra credit for learning a couple of words in French.”

  “Well,” I said, finally speaking up, “the other problem is . . . Bobby’s not going. It’s just going to be her and Caroline.”

  “So what? As much as I don’t like that skank, you know she’s been good to Angel and she’ll take care of her. Angel’s gonna have a good time, you’ve got to admit that.”

  “Well, what about me?” I pouted. Why wasn’t anyone thinking about me?

  “What? You wanna go to France with them?”

  I hadn’t said it out loud, but I was beginning to think that maybe that was going to have to happen. If Angel really wanted to go, and if I couldn’t find a way to keep saying no, maybe I should get right on that plane.

  But I knew that wouldn’t work. Just hearing that I wanted to go with her and Caroline would probably scar Angel for life. After the way Caroline and I had fought on Christmas, almost coming to blows, it wouldn’t take much for Angel to imagine all the fights Caroline and I would have in France—that is, if we ever made it off the plane.

  “Look,” Noon said, “just let Angel go. This ain’t the New York situation. This is just a week, and all you need to do is give her plenty of money so that she can buy you something fabulous.” She paused. “And make sure she brings me something wonderful, too.”

  As Noon went on, all I could do was shake my head. Everybody was forgetting about me.

  “You just need to chill,” Noon said. “Plus, if Bobby’s not going with them, he’ll be home alone, so here’s your chance to work Plan B, ba-beeeee,” she sang.

  Was she freakin’ kidding me? Did Noon think that after all of this I’d want to have anything to do with Bobby Johnson? Right now I just wanted Angel to get to be eighteen so that I wouldn’t have to deal with Bobby . . . or his tight-ass wife.

  “Forget Plan B. I’m on Plan C, which is ‘see you later, Bobby!’ ”

  “That’s a good one.” Noon laughed; I didn’t. “Oh, come on, girl. If it were anyone else taking Angel to France, what would you say? If it were Sheridan or Kendall or even me, would you let her go? And if the answer is yes, then you have to let her go with Caroline. Because this isn’t about Caroline, it’s about Angel.”

  Just like I did with Sheridan, I hung up from Noon without saying good-bye, and this time I was feeling even worse. That was the thing about talking to Noon, she was going to come at me real. She didn’t really care about my feelings, though, it seemed that nobody cared about that.

  So now with her words, and Sheridan’s words, and Bobby’s words all mixing and mingling together in my head, how could I say no? Because what Noon said was true—if it had been anyone except Caroline, I would’ve already been packing Angel’s bags.

  In my head, I was convinced; in my heart, I’d been convicted.

  Tears were rising from the very center of me as I slowly got up and took the longest walk of my life down to Angel’s room.

  She was in there, in the dark, sitting on the edge of the bed, with her head hanging down, staring at her hands in her lap. The way her shoulders shook, I could tell she was still crying.

  I stayed silent as I walked in and sat down next to her. Neither one of us said anything, though Angel spoke through her tears. As I sat there, I thought about the week we’d just had, the times we’d shared, and how happy I’d been building something new with my daughter.

  This should have been the best of times. But just like that book I’d read in high school, the best of times had somehow gotten all mixed up and now it felt like the worst time ever.

  “I’m sorry,” I whispered.

  “You were so mad.” She spoke low, too.

  “Not at you.”

  “I thought you were, because you were yelling at me in the mall.”

  “Was I yelling?” I had to ask her because I didn’t remember.

  She nodded.

  “I didn’t mean to do that,” I said. “I lost control and I shouldn’t have.” I sighed. “It’s just tough for me, Angel. You’re getting older. You’re starting to have your own life, and so much of your life seems to be around Bobby and Caroline.”

  “Why don’t you like that?” she asked, like my words made no sense to her.

  There was a part of me that wanted to direct the conversation in another direction. But all of us were so deep in this situation now that I had to be honest. “I’m afraid.”

  She reached for my hand, and held me as if she were the protector. “Afraid of what, Mommy?”

  “I don’t want to ever lose you, Angel.”

  She paused, needing a moment to figure that out. “How could you ever lose me? I’m your daughter. Remember, you’re gonna be two hundred and five, and I’m gonna be ninety and we’re still gonna be hanging out together.”

  I tried to chuckle through my aching heart and I wrapped my arm around her. She rested her head on my shoulder. We sat that way for a couple of minutes and then I said, “You can go to France.”

  Her head popped up and she hugged me. “Thank you, Mommy! Thank you so much!”

  The love that I felt in that moment, in that embrace, let me know that I’d done the right thing.

  “There’s just one condition,” I said.

  She pulled away, and even in the dark, the worry was clear in her eyes. Like she had a feeling that I was about to give her an impossible mission and take this all away.

  “You have to bring me back something fabulous.”

  For the first time in hours, my daughter laughed and she pulled me into a hug again. She was happy. And, I was not . . .

  Now, eight days had passed and I had not had one happy moment since I agreed to let Angel go. I was used to her being away; she spent so much time with her father, especially during the summer. There were times when I’d looked forward to those weeks alone when I was totally free to hang out, come home when I wanted to, and bring whomever I wanted home with me.

  But in those times past, I’d never felt threatened.

  “Mom!” Angel screamed out.

  She had no idea that I was right outside her bedroom. I’d been standing there, listening to the sounds of her packing, preparing to leave me.

  “I’m ready, Mom!”

&nb
sp; When she rolled her suitcase into the hall, I was standing right there.

  “I’m so excited.” She grinned.

  “I am, too!” I said. Someone from the Academy needed to see me right about now, because this was an Oscar-worthy performance.

  “Dad should’ve been here already,” she said, glancing at her watch.

  “I thought you and Caroline were taking a car to the airport.”

  “Last night Dad said he was gonna drive us.”

  I took the suitcase from her hand and lugged it down the stairs. At the bottom, I said, “So you have everything? Your passport?”

  “Check!”

  “Your money?”

  “Check!”

  “Well, I think there’s only one thing left that you don’t have.”

  Angel frowned.

  I said, “You don’t have a big hug from me.”

  “You’re the best, Mom.” She giggled as I wrapped my arms around her. “I’m gonna miss you.”

  “Me, too,” I said just as the knock came on the door.

  “That’s Dad!” Stepping away from me, she swung the door open.

  “Hey, sweetheart,” Bobby said to Angel, and then looked up at me.

  I crossed my arms.

  To Angel, he said, “So, you’re ready, kiddo?”

  “Yup!” She turned back and hugged me again. “Thank you, Mommy. Thank you for letting me go.”

  I blinked as fast as I could to keep my tears away and kissed the top of her head over and over. Truly, I didn’t want to let this girl out of my arms, but then I had to. “You have a wonderful time,” I whispered.

  The tears in my eyes made her hesitate, so I pasted the biggest, silliest, toothiest grin on my face. That was when she grinned, too. I nodded at Bobby, and he gave me a sad smile before he led our daughter away.

  Right after she stepped over the threshold, Angel turned around and I gave her a finger wave. Then I closed the door.

  Those last moments had literally taken my breath away, exhausting me so much that I didn’t have the energy to hold back my tears anymore. So, I just let them flow.