Forever An Ex

by Victoria Christopher Murray

  But today, my notebook had stayed on my lap. Because this was one of those Sundays when I felt like Pastor Ford might as well have just said, Sheridan, this is for you.

  “So, keeping secrets, keeping people in the dark, is not necessarily bad,” she said. “How do you determine when to do it? How do you determine when you should not?”

  There was a bit of grumbling through the sanctuary as members gave their answers.

  Pastor Ford said, “Think about motives . . . what’s motivating you to keep your secret? Keep something in the dark? Because like this scripture just showed, there are good reasons to do it. Take for example the pastor who counsels his members. He keeps secrets in the name of confidentiality.”

  “Yes!”

  “Amen!”

  All kinds of agreements rang out through the sanctuary.

  “But it’s important to also know that keeping secrets can lead to lying. Because you can commit the sin of lying just by omission. Just by not telling what you know.”

  I fell back in my seat and Brock looked over at me with an “are you all right?” look.

  I nodded and that’s when I’d taken out my cell and texted my girls, because now I really needed to talk.

  It had been a week of turmoil for me. Ever since Brock and I bumped into Quentin and Jett, I’d gone back and forth, should I say something, should I not? That question filled my mind for all of my waking moments. When I was working, I was thinking about Quentin. When I was cooking, I was thinking about Jett. When I was watching television or reading a book, or working on my iPad, I was thinking about Harmony. For hours at a time, thoughts of these people were the only thoughts in my head.

  But last night, when I was making love to my husband and I was distracted by my thoughts . . . that’s when I knew I had to bring this to an end.

  So one moment I was having an orgasm, and in the next I made a decision. I wasn’t going to say a word. Not to anyone, not about anything.

  But now, this morning, this message . . . was it meant for me?

  It wasn’t until Brock stood that I realized the service had ended. I had drifted so far away, I had missed the end of Pastor’s sermon and the altar call.

  I lowered my head and held up my hand as Pastor Ford gave the benediction, and when she said her final “Amen,” I turned to my husband.

  “Babe, I’m gonna meet with Kendall and Asia for a couple of minutes. Is that okay?”

  He glanced at his watch. “Uh . . . yeah. But do you think one of them can give you a ride home because a couple of basketball games are coming on today that I’ve gotta see. Missing them would be against my religion.”

  I shook my head and smiled. “Of course,” I said, really glad that he would be going home instead of waiting. I didn’t want to have to rush. “Kendall will give me a ride,” I said, thinking that I didn’t want to distract Asia for too long because I was sure she wanted to spend as much time with Angel as she could. And anyway, Kendall was the one who was always free.

  I kissed Brock’s cheek, then hurried up the aisle toward the front door while he headed toward the side exit that led to the parking lot.

  My eyes scanned the mass of people who moved slowly through the packed sanctuary. I didn’t see Kendall or Asia. We all sat in different parts of the church, but I wasn’t worried about them meeting me. Anytime any one of us called, the others came.

  I pushed my way through the sanctuary, and kept my feet moving even if someone tried to stop me to say hello. I greeted everyone I knew; it was just that today I didn’t stop to chat.

  In just minutes, I was across the street in the Learning Center and I dashed into the room where we always met.

  “Hey, lady,” I said to Kendall, who was already inside.

  She’d been pacing, and she stopped to give me a hug. “What’s up?” she asked.

  “This is a long story, so let’s wait for Asia.”

  “I’m here!” Asia ran into the room just as I said her name.

  More hugs and then I closed the door. “Okay, so I called this meeting, but you know I need to do a check-in and checkup on you two.” I turned to Asia. “So how’re things with Angel?”

  She sighed. “We’re making it through. She doesn’t seem to be as mad at me anymore, but we’ll see, ’cause this weekend, she’s with Bobby and Caroline.”

  “Already?” Kendall and I said together.

  Asia nodded. “This is their normal weekend and Angel wanted to go. You know I don’t want her to, but I can’t have her thinking that I’m trying to keep her away from Caroline and Bobby.”

  “You think Caroline is gonna be cool?” Kendall asked.

  “I don’t know,” she said, shaking her head slightly. “But I hope so, because all she wants is Bobby, and she can have him. No man is worth me losing my daughter.”

  I reached for Asia and squeezed her hand. That was a tough lesson, but one that I was so glad she’d learned. There were so many other men out there who would appreciate her.

  “So what about all that New York stuff? Is she moving?” Kendall asked.

  “We haven’t even talked about that, but if it comes up”—she paused and looked at Kendall—“I’m gonna do what you suggested. I’ll move to New York, too. I’ve heard of plenty of parents who’ve done that for their kids.”

  “Look at you,” Kendall said, leaning back a bit. “Acting all grown-up.”

  Kendall and I laughed, but Asia only smiled. “Don’t you think it was about time?”

  “Yeah, I do!” Kendall said because there was no way that she could let Asia have the last word.

  All I had to do was turn to Kendall and she started talking. “My dad is hanging in there. He’s only had a couple of treatments because he’s having some severe side effects. Chemo is a mutha, you know.”

  Asia and I nodded. I said, “If you ever want someone to go with you . . .”

  “Thanks, but Dad really likes to do this by himself.”

  “Oh, my God!” Asia gasped. “I can’t believe you let him do that by himself.”

  “I don’t! I said he likes to do this by himself, but I go every time.” Looking at me, Kendall added, “So, I know he wouldn’t want anyone else there, you know?”

  “I get that. Just know that we’re here.” I looked over at Asia and she nodded.

  “So what’s up?” Kendall asked again, as if she wanted to take the focus off of her father.

  I sighed. I wished that she’d let us in more. Asia and I really wanted to be there for her and her dad. But this was as close as Kendall was going to let us get. I had to just take what I could get.

  When Kendall glanced at her watch, I asked, “Do you have to meet your dad?”

  “No,” she said. “Sabrina and Anthony are with him today. I was just asking because when I receive a text in church, it has to be serious.”

  “Yeah, this is. You may want to sit down.”

  Asia placed her purse on one of the folding chairs, then she sat down. But Kendall raised her hand and shook her head. “I’m good,” she said. Then she glanced down at her BlackBerry, smiled, and typed away, sending a text. She was so distracted, I didn’t have any part of her attention.

  “Well, anyway, Brock and I went out to dinner last Monday at Rendezvous and—”

  “Oh, my God,” Asia interrupted, “Bobby and I went there.”

  And with just those few words, I’d taken Asia back to that sad place. I sighed. With her and Bobby, I had no idea where the emotional land mines were. Everything set her on the verge of tears.

  So now I had a distracted Kendall and a solemn Asia.

  “Well, anyway . . .” My voice was much softer now, as I tried to tiptoe around Asia’s emotions. “We were leaving Rendezvous and we bumped into . . . Quentin and Jett.”

  It took a moment for the name to register, but then Kendall ra
ised her eyes from her BlackBerry and the emotional water that was in Asia’s eyes just a moment before was gone.

  “Jett Jennings,” Kendall said, sitting down in the chair, her focus totally on me now.

  Asia said, “Jett, the guy that Quentin hooked up with when you were married?” Her tears had been replaced by shock.

  I nodded slowly.

  “Wait a minute . . . didn’t you say Rendezvous?” Asia asked as if she was just getting the whole picture.

  Kendall answered for me: “She said Rendezvous and she said Quentin and Jett.” She shook her head. “Ain’t this some mess?” she added.

  “Yup!”

  Then Distracted Kendall and Solemn Asia fired questions at me:

  “Is Quentin gay again?” Asia asked. “Or, is he bi now?”

  “Is Quentin back with Jett?” Kendall asked. “How long do you think they’ve been together?”

  I held up my hands. “I have no idea. But here’s why I needed to talk to you. I didn’t tell you guys this, but Harmony called me a couple of weeks ago, wanting to get together.”

  “And you didn’t tell me?” Kendall said.

  “Well, I was just going to leave it alone, but then . . .” I went on to tell them the story from the beginning: about the phone call from Harmony, how Brock told me to stay away, how I’d gone anyway, and what Harmony had asked me and what I’d told her. I even told them how we were both Deltas, and I finished with, “So, I’ve got to say something to Harmony now, right?”

  Kendall and Asia spoke at the same time.

  “No!”

  “Yes!

  Then Kendall and Asia looked at each other. Kendall said, “No,” again. “She needs to stay out of this.” Then she turned to me. “You need to stay out of this because nothing good can come out of it.”

  “That’s exactly what Brock said,” I told them.

  “He’s right,” Kendall said. “The messenger always gets shot.”

  “That’s cynical,” Asia said to Kendall. Then she turned to me. “Didn’t you hear my aunt’s message today?”

  “That’s what got me thinking. I mean, I’d be keeping Harmony in the dark if I didn’t say anything, right?”

  Asia nodded and Kendall shook her head.

  Asia said, “Yes, and I think women should stick together, and look out for each other.”

  With wide eyes, Kendall continued to shake her head. “Spoken like a woman who had an affair with a married man.”

  “It’s not the same thing,” Asia snapped. “I made a mistake and I asked God to forgive me, so why can’t you? Oh, that’s right, I forgot . . . you’re not big on forgiveness.”

  “Okay, maybe I shouldn’t have said that.” Kendall gave her a smirk with that half apology. “But my point is that Sheridan doesn’t owe Harmony anything,” she said before she turned to me and repeated, “Don’t do it. Even if it’s just to keep your husband happy because you know what’ll happen if you do it and he finds out. He’ll be pissed.”

  “How will Brock find out?” Asia asked.

  “Trust and believe he will. And how will that look if he feels like she’s keeping secrets from him?”

  Kendall and Asia went back and forth as if I wasn’t even there. That’s how it always was with the two of them, and usually I jumped in and stopped it. But today, I let them go at it because I wanted to hear both sides. Kendall’s point: Mind my business. Asia’s point: As a woman who knew the truth, this was my business.

  Asia said, “Plus, y’all are sorors. Shouldn’t this be a sisterhood thing or something? Isn’t that why women pledge those sororities?”

  Before I could say a word, Kendall argued, “Yeah, but you didn’t pledge together. You don’t even know this woman. You’ve seen her twice. You don’t know how she’ll react, you don’t know what she’ll do. She’s not your friend, so you’re not obligated to tell her squat.”

  I nodded, not that I agreed. It was true, Harmony wasn’t my friend, but she was my soror. And Kendall wouldn’t understand the sisterhood bond that went beyond any kind of friendship.

  “I just feel like Harmony came to me, asked me questions, and though I didn’t know the answers then, I do now.”

  “Okay,” Kendall said. “Let’s play this tape all the way through. Let’s say you call Harmony. What’re you gonna tell her? That Quentin is back together with Jett? Because you don’t know that for sure.”

  “Oh, please!” Asia waved her hand in the air like she was swatting away Kendall’s words. “Two men at a romantic restaurant? What were they doing there?”

  “I have no idea. Which means that whatever answer I give you is just conjecture. And conjecture means nothing. The only thing it will do is mess up someone’s life,” Kendall said.

  “Well, it’s not like I plan on saying that he’s involved with Jett. If I were to talk to Harmony, I’d only say that I saw Quentin and Jett together.”

  Kendall shook her head as Asia nodded hers.

  Kendall said, “This ain’t nothin’ but trouble.”

  Asia said, “You’re doing the right thing.”

  Kendall huffed.

  Asia said to Kendall, “Wouldn’t you want someone to tell you if they saw your man all hugged up with another man?” Then she held her finger to her forehead as if she just had a thought. “Oh, wait, you don’t have a man.”

  Asia laughed, and usually this would be the point where Kendall would jump up, ready to fight. At the very least, she’d be stomping out of here. So, it was time to stop all of this before a fight broke out in church on a Sunday.

  “Okay, well,” I said before Kendall could say anything, “at least I had the chance to talk it out with both of you.”

  “What’re you going to do?” Kendall asked.

  I shrugged. “I’m not sure yet.” That was the truth and the safest answer because Kendall wouldn’t leave until she persuaded me that she was the one who was right.

  “Well, don’t do anything before you pray,” Kendall said.

  “Yeah, God’ll tell you what to do,” Asia added.

  “He’ll tell you to mind your business.” Kendall laughed and Asia rolled her eyes.

  “I’m definitely going to pray,” I said, though I felt as if God had already been talking to me. That’s what the sermon was about. I just wasn’t clear on what He was saying.

  I was going to keep praying, though. Just pray that God would lead me to do the right thing . . . whatever that was.

  Chapter

  Twenty-Two

  It was taking a lot for me to do this, a lot for me to make this call.

  I had let time pass, hoping that the image of Quentin and Jett would fade from my memory, hoping that God would give me an answer to my prayers.

  Well, time passed, but every day Quentin and Jett were as clear in my mind’s eye as they’d been nine days ago. And while I didn’t feel like I had an answer from God, I had a heavy heart. That had to mean something.

  Glancing at the clock, I realized my time was running out. I’d procrastinated as long as I could. If I was going to do this today, it had to be now. It had to be while I was home alone, and it had to be when I thought Harmony would still be on her shift at work so that she wouldn’t be able to answer.

  I scrolled through my telephone, saw the 248 area code that was Harmony’s number, and clicked. The words were already in my mind; I’d rehearsed them for days. And I’d practiced talking fast so that I could get it out as quickly as I could.

  Harmony, if you’d like to get together again, so would I. We can talk . . . and maybe there will be more that I can tell you. Just give me a call if you’re interested.

  That was all I was going to say. The decision of what would come next was going to be made by Harmony and God.

  But then, after the third ring of her phone, I heard, “Hello.”

 
“Harmony?”

  “Speaking.”

  “Oh, I’m sorry, this is Sheridan,” I said with surprise all in my voice. “I wasn’t sure that I was going to get you. I thought you’d be working and I was just going to leave a message.”

  “Today’s my day off,” she said.

  There was no warmth in her tone. Not that she was rude; she just sounded like my voice was the last one she wanted to hear today, or probably even tomorrow.

  “Well,” I said, knowing that I sounded as hesitant as she did. But that was because my mind was a blank now. I hadn’t rehearsed this scenario. I said, “I was calling to see if we could get together again.”

  There was a pause, a long, long pause. “You know what, Sheridan? I’m sorry I called you before. I mean, I’m not sorry that we met and we talked; I’m just sorry that I came to you with that nonsense. I don’t know what I’d been thinking, but I know my fiancé, and you’re right about him. Quentin’s a good man. I don’t have anything to worry about.”

  The image of Quentin and Jett walking into Rendezvous flashed through my mind. Again . . . and again. I squeezed my eyes shut, and forced my mouth to say, “Okay.” Then as if I was in a speed-speaking contest, I said, “Have a good day.” I hung up, not even waiting for her good-bye.

  I tossed my phone onto the nightstand, then fell back against the bed. My prayers had been answered. I wouldn’t have to say a word and now all I had to wait for was for God to lift this ache from my heart. Silently, I asked Him to give me peace.

  And then I heard, “Now, that’s the way I want my woman!”

  I glanced up and Brock stood at the doorway with his arms folded. For a moment I wondered how long he’d been there. Had he heard me talking to Harmony? But the grin on his face told me that he hadn’t heard a thing and was thinking only one thing.

  He said, “Yup, I want my woman lying on the bed spread-eagled just like that when I come home from a hard day at work.” He tilted his head, then his eyebrows came together in a frown. “Just one thing is missing.” He nodded. “Yeah, just one thing.”

  I pushed myself up. “What?”

  “Why aren’t you naked, woman?”