Shampoo

by Karina Almeroth

  “Okay okay okay, we should be serious,” Nat declared, slowing down.

  “Why?” I laughed. “This is so much fun!”

  (oh man, I was still cacking it)

  So we agreed to turn around and walk back towards the boys, to loud cheers from them. Hoffy and Gibbo were back with us by this stage, so they were all cheering and going, “Finally! You princesses are hard work.”

  (whatever)

  Then Evvy suddenly parked us on the street outside Fridays, and held my shoulders, made me look into his eyes, and kept saying, “Now stay here. Got it? Bloody STAY HERE.”

  I was all, “Yes, Master!” and saluting him, to much hysterics from Nat and I again.

  “Is this what having a girlfriend is like?” Evvy pondered. “Cause if it is, I’m not sure I can handle it.”

  “This is what having an Almeroth sister as a girlfriend is like,” Tom replied. Nat kicked him. Like right up the ass.

  “I’m serious here, you girls STAY HERE.” And Ever was off, double checking, walking backwards, pointing right at me, and yelling out, “Stay there!!”

  Nat and I stood there, all serious like, till they were out of sight, then we grabbed each other and spluttered, “Quick!! Let’s run!” and we were madly running away in our heels, pissing ourselves laughing.

  In hindsight, Evvy was actually searching for Nat’s missing boyfriend, and trying very hard not to lose two extremely drunk girls also.

  Awww.

  (we didn’t care, but awww)

  We headed back to ‘our’ place – Mary St. We are Mary St girls.

  You can take the girl out of Mary St, but you can’t take Mary St out of the girl.

  Eventually the boys found us, with Dan finally recovered (like a lost dog, he is), and Evvy grabbed me again, and said, “Come walk with me, woman.”

  (I love how he calls me ‘woman’ already, like it’s his thing for me)

  “Where are you taking me?” I asked, funnily enough, after everything I’ve gone through with guys, not worried at all about wandering the city at midnight with a guy I’d met just once before at Dan’s birthday.

  “On a romantic walk.”

  I felt safe. This was a nice guy. Very out of character for me, attracting a nice one for once.

  It felt delicious.

  “I seriously have to piss,” Ever suddenly announced, looking around. He was still holding onto me.

  “Charming!”

  “No, I mean, LIKE REALLY, I’ve been rounding up you lot all night, and I’m busting. I’m just gonna go over here and take a leak.”

  (romantic walk, my ass!!)

  I turned my back as he weed against a store front. “This is so gross on so many levels…” I trailed off as I watched a police car pull up to the kerb, and do it’s little ‘bleep bleep’.

  “Oh you have to be kidding me!” Ever near shouted.

  The two cops were out the car and upon him in seconds. “You know it’s an offence to urinate in public, against a store front?” one of the cops said.

  “Please cease that urinating now, or you’re under arrest.”

  “I seriously CAN’T, I’m BUSTING – ”

  “That’s it, put your hands behind your back, buddy –”

  This is where I seriously started pissing myself laughing. It was too funny. Ever was seriously still pissing as he was being handcuffed.

  “I’m on a date here, fellas, I’ve gotta make sure she gets home, she’s DRUNK –”

  “Great date you’ve taken her on, pissing against a building,” one of the cops said as the other slapped the handcuffs on him. I laughed harder. Had to put my hands on my knees, and bend over, my stomach hurt so much.

  “See, she’s HYSTERICAL, she’s that drunk, she needs me to look after her –”

  They were leading him to the police car. “Bail me out, woman –”

  “You give me YOUR money, and I will, HAHAHAHAHAHA –”

  That is when I tripped in my heels, stumbled forward, and slammed into the back of the cop NOT marching Evvy to the car.

  Ever started pissing himself laughing.

  Long story short, the cop thought I’d shoved him, and handcuffed my hands behind my back, too.

  I kept screaming, “I TRIPPED, I TELL YA!! I FUCKING TRIPPED!!” while Ever just laughed and laughed.

  We seriously could not stop laughing in the back of the police car, all the way to the city station.

  “No, stop, stop, this really ISN’T FUNNY,” I’d splutter, but we just kept laughing and laughing.

  “Evvy,” I gasped at one stage. “Your zipper’s still undone BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA –”

  “Yeah, I know, but I can’t do it back up with my hands handcuffed behind my back – ”

  Oh God. We were in fits.

  Even the cops were laughing at us by this stage.

  The cell doors were slammed behind us.

  “Thanks for getting me arrested, woman – ”

  “Oh, ME? You’re the one that got ME arrested!! All I did was fall over my own feet – ”

  “Yeah, but you tackling that cop got us REALLY arrested– ”

  “I fucking TRIPPED – ”

  “Ha ha. Hahaha. That was so fucking funny.”

  “Great ‘first date,’ Evvy.”

  “Best first date EVER.”

  The cop informed us (eventually) that it was $500 bail EACH to free ourselves.

  Then he asked for my phone number.

  Ever was all, “Hello! We’re on a first date here!”

  The cop rolled his eyes. “Good time you’re showing her, mate – ”

  “It was, thank you very much. Till she tackled you.”

  “I FUCKING TRIPPED!!”

  We paid the bail, me having to ring my sister and get her to pay over the phone using her credit card.

  Oh my God, SHE WENT OFF.

  (you’d think I’d got arrested)

  Then she laughed (clearly she was still drunk). “Only you and Evvy could get yourselves arrested. It’s like matching Dumb with Dumber.”

  “Fun with Funner, you mean!” Ever called out, overhearing Nat on speaker on his phone (I hadn’t brought my phone).

  Ever and I then stood outside the station, the morning having risen hours ago and now bright and blue. “Well, that’s the most expensive date I’ve ever been on,” he said.

  “I now owe my sister FOREVER, so thank you,” I said.

  “Ha ha. Hahaha. I keep seeing you plough into that cop-”

  “Hahahaha! I keep seeing you pissing against a wall while you’re being handcuffed!”

  “Fuck, I’ve never laughed so hard in my life – ”

  Then he really focused on me, stopped before me. Towered over me. Gave me chills. “You’re not what I was expecting at all.”

  “You were expecting Nat?”

  “Yeah, actually.”

  Then he leaned in and kissed me.

  Kinda was a great first date.

  Monday 15 May 2000

  3.33pm

  My first official day back at work, after six long months off.

  Weird how absolutely nothing has changed.

  Daryl Agnew is still as groovy as ever (our resident drag queen), being very confusing with his sexuality, since he loves to dress in drag yet he loves Holdens too, and is constantly on the phone to Holden, barking, “When’s my new Monaro arriving?” Meanwhile he’s wearing ‘60s cat’s eye glasses and his hair is immaculate and holding enough product not to light a match near him.

  Seriously, him and his wife’s little pink presents and cards got me through back surgery and all that loneliness and alone time and, well, you know. Major traumatic bad break up with Rick.

  Soon as he saw me, he was all, “Pinky!” and giving me big hugs.

  Everyone gave me big hugs, actually. Benny in the warehouse said, “Pinky!! My only friend is back!”

  (sure. Benny has a million friends. Everyone loves Benny)

  The bosses, Daryl Young and John Cash, are sti
ll as cool as ever. Entrepreneurial, and running Sin like they’re living out their midlife crises. Gerry, the financial controller (and oddly, so much like Dad), Renee, the office manager, all the reps, the warehouse crew…everybody the same.

  And Matt Johnson.

  Not sure why I mentioned him all on his own, except that he’s been on my mind constantly since our team building exercise last week.

  I guess being handcuffed to someone for hours does that to you!

  Evvy hasn’t called. But I guess we both only got out of prison like, yesterday.

  6.56pm

  Another bloody call from Sharon downstairs.

  She’s seriously driving me batty. Every time I go downstairs to use my toilet outside, she traps me, and makes me stay for HOURS with her. I’m gonna have to start peeing in a bucket upstairs if this doesn’t stop.

  Now she’s got my phone number though.

  (why? Why? Why did I give it to her?? Why?? What is wrong with me?)

  She did help me unpack and create my pink unit though, when I first moved in six months ago. So I deal with her.

  Plus I think she’s really lonely. But why I have to suffer for that, I don’t know. But suffer I do.

  “Karina, you have to get down here RIGHT NOW!” she near screamed.

  (oh God, why??)

  I hung up the phone and headed downstairs, and she let me in her back door. “My toilet’s blocked,” she announced.

  Do I look like a plumber???

  “And Ken is going to be here, in like FIVE MINUTES, and this is SO EMBARRASSING, help me SCOOP SOME OF THIS SHIT OUT AND PUT IT IN YOUR TOILET – ”

  It was just too much for me. “Sharon, if you think I’m getting my hands up to my elbows in your shit – ”

  (you’re crazier than you seem)

  “Oh my GOD, but he’s gonna be here ANY SECOND – ”

  Ken is our bigshot real estate agent. All suave and good looks and flirt and charm.

  He saw me coming a mile away, all my belongings stuffed in the Civic (including the cat), and bruises still fresh on me.

  I signed the lease on the spot, without being made aware the unit has an outdoor shower and toilet (toilet outside, shower under the apartment block).

  When I got to the unit and went to unpack, I just sighed. Not much I could do now!

  I so need to move.

  8.26pm

  I think all I’ve done for six months is eat Cheetos, sip Coke, and watch Bo and Hope get together on DOOL after like, two decades apart.

  I’m so bored. I need a social life again.

  I’d like LOVE again. Not sure if I’ve ever really had it properly, or been truly loved back.

  Now that’s just sad.

  Saturday 20 May 2000

  3.55pm

  So the Honda Civic TRULY died this week. With me stranded on a roundabout at Venner Road. I decided then and there, it was loan time. I have to have a car to get to work.

  And I decided on an Holden Commodore.

  (best car on the planet!!)

  All the warehouse boys have Holden Commodores…the girls have pretty feminine cars, Festivas and Barinas and weird, ugly bubble cars…

  Benny, a white VS Series II ute…Little Jon, a silver VK

  (love the old VK’s),

  Lachlan, a mustard VG ute, Matt, an emerald VP, gosh, too many to list…there’s an old turquoise VB (in immaculate condition), another VN

  (I say another CAUSE I NOW HAVE ONE!!!!),

  another VP, a VR…

  and on the other side of the car park are the bosses’ cars…all BMWs and Mercs and Jaguars.

  But I’m not interested in them. I only have eyes for the Holdens.

  (and more specifically, Commodores)

  I have a bit of a love affair with them, actually.

  Really, it’s Dad’s fault. We were raised constantly being told, “There are two types of people in this world: Ford people and Holden people. Pick who you are, and run with it.”

  Plus I was born in Elizabeth, South Australia, home of the Holden factory. The whole suburb was Holden mad. Holden boot parties every late arvo out the front of houses and in driveways. I remember my dad and all his brothers with their hotted up Toranas, standing around, drinking.

  (Uncle Keith still does it)

  So of course, when I needed a new car from the Civic of Nat’s dying, I went straight to the Magic Mile at Moorooka yesterday arvo to check out Commodores. Fell in love with one SO BADLY, took it for a test drive, and roared around the block to the caryard guy laughing nervously.

  (my first roar around the block in a Commodore. Will never forget it. Best moment of my life)

  Then I begged Dad to come look at it, cause I didn’t want to get ripped off or buy a dud. Dad grumpily drove it round the same block I had, with the exact same leadfooting as his daughter, then said, “You just want a Commodore cause of Dan and all his mates.”

  I was shocked. My own father doesn’t know me very well, if he doesn’t know he’d brought up a little revhead.

  I just hadn’t had the opportunity to BE a little revhead yet. I only just got my license not even a year ago, after 35 driving lessons.

  (yes, 35)

  And I never even SEE Dan’s mates!

  (except Evvy. But I didn’t even KNOW he has a Commodore! All I saw was his weiner. As we were being arrested. Not his car. But I couldn’t exactly tell Dad that.)

  “You’re always raring to go with life, Karina,” he continued his (attack) lecture. “But then you get knocked down, each and every time. Sometimes you just have to cool it.”

  “Oh like I have for six months, lying in bed, recovering from a broken back and multiple surgeries? With no friends and nobody around me?”

  (and after I’d just had the crap beaten out of me by my stupid ex, I thought, but Dad hates to talk about anything like that. Or anything, really. He just likes to joke around and escape reality)

  Dad hates when I talk like that, too. He takes it as a personal affront against him, like he’s failed me, he hasn’t been supporting me or around me, he’s a workaholic and would rather be working than by his daughter’s side.

  When I wasn’t even talking about him!

  “Not to MENTION, on your FIRST OUTING OUT IN A YEAR, you wind up IN PRISON – ”

  “That was a COMPLETE MISUNDERSTANDING, I TRIPPED!!”

  Dad snorted. “Tell that to the judge!”

  “I will be!”

  “You just need to slow down, and not rush everything – ”

  “Dad, we only have a limited time on this earth, and most of my time so far has been crap. It’s about time I had some fun,” I declared. “I deserve it.”

  Dad just sighed. “Sometimes I can’t tell if you’re really, really wise, or just very stupid.”

  “Thanks, Dad.”

  (he just grumbled)

  I bought the car!!!

  I love it so damn much. Been roaring around the neighbourhood in it all afternoon.

  I traded the Civic in for $200 off the price, and halfway to the car yard, the Civic’s gear stick jammed, and smoke started coming out of the engine, and I had to drive the rest of the way there in second gear, praying the engine wasn’t about to explode.

  Gotta get ready. Got a (nother) date with Ever tonight.

  Hope we don’t end up in prison again.

  Sunday 21 May 2000

  5.12pm

  Had such a great night last night. Bit upset by my stupid family, but whatever.

  I rang to talk to Nat just then, and got Dad’s girlfriend.

  She was so fucking rude!!

  Straight away, she was launching into me about getting a loan while I still owe Dad money.

  Seriously! After all I’ve been through. Why can’t my family just cut me some slack?? I needed a car TO GET TO WORK, to pay them back their precious money!

  Then Dad gets on the phone and was all shitty and snapping. By the time Nat got on the phone, I was in tears. “Don’t worry about them,” N
at said.

  “They never stop, it’s always one judgement or another. They MAKE SURE I feel worthless – ”

  Anyway…

  So Evvy and I met at Balmoral cinemas, and saw the 6.40pm session of ‘Gladiator.’ When I spotted him in the foyer, his face lit up

  (I could get used to a guy’s face lighting up like that when he spots me. Not in anger/hate etc. Been so long), and he said, “Hey, Jailbird.”

  I stopped before him. “I see your fly’s done up for this date.”

  He laughed. “Shut up and stop being so funny all the time. I’m the funny one.”

  “Oh, I know. I’ve been laughing all week about last weekend.”

  The movie was good. Ever kept looking over at me, then when I’d meet his eyes and whisper, “What?” he’d go, “Nothing,” and turn back to the screen. He did it so often I whacked him.

  Then Tom and the boys rang Ever

  (odd, he’s become an Ever to me, not Evvy, like everyone calls him)

  on his mobile, and asked us to meet them in the city, and Ever was all, “Nah, I don’t feel like it – ”

  And I started yelling, “YES! YES! Let’s meet them in there!”

  Evvy groaned into his phone. “Apparently Jailbird here wants to try to get me arrested all over again –”