Shampoo

by Karina Almeroth

  (terrible beginning. Terrible, terrible beginning)

  “OH HERE WE GO – ”

  “I told you I didn’t from the beginning – ”

  “Did you?? Did you really??”

  “UGH, YES I DID!!”

  “Whatever, Evvy – ”

  “WHATEVER, WOMAN!!” Pause. “I just don’t want to have to rush over and kiss you!!”

  (pull the knife out of my heart NOW!!)

  “You’re right, YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE TO. You should WANT TO!!!”

  “There’s no talking to you, woman. There’s nothing I can say or do.”

  “Yes, THERE IS.”

  “No, THERE’S NOT.”

  “Trust me, there is PLENTY!!”

  Silence.

  “Bye Everard!!” Another slam the phone down moment.

  I hate him!!

  I hate myself for caring.

  9.32pm

  So tired but can’t sleep. Keep thinking I’m never gonna see Ever again and getting all sad.

  I am so stupid.

  Wednesday 26 July 2000

  12.22pm

  Not at work today. Renee tried to send me home yesterday but I stubbornly refused to leave.

  I have no other guys around at the moment. Evvy gone, Nick stopped calling.

  And Matt Johnson will never ask me out.

  All I wanted was Ever. Stupid, sexy Everard.

  Laying in bed, watching all the romance on Days of Our Lives, is making me even sadder.

  5.28pm

  Renee rang at 4.30pm and told me I’m not coming into work tomorrow.

  My workplace is SO ass backwards.

  Nat rang from work, too, all upset over Dan

  (if he’s anything like Evvy, I get it now),

  and we talked about getting a house together.

  I hate hearing her upset. My heart breaks. Just want my sister to be happy.

  I love living on my own, but since I’ve lived with Nat my whole life, she’s the only one I could ever live with.

  She seemed so happy I said I’d move out with her! I love when she’s happy. I don’t think she’s truly been happy in a long time.

  That just crushes me.

  Speaking of crushed, and broken hearts, I think I’m dying of one.

  I really don’t want tomorrow off work. It’s so hard to be alone all day and not have my mind kept off everything.

  I think about him all the time with nothing to distract me.

  6.34pm

  OH MY GOD, EVVY RANG!!!

  And said he’s coming over.

  I can’t believe it!!

  Why is he coming over??

  Oh god, I look like shit!!!

  9.04pm

  I am so not going to cry. I feel numb anyway!

  So he arrived, looking his usual HOT, and mucking around and joking with me, like he always does. Then I just died on my bed, I am so sick, and Ever jumped into bed with me, and we just started arguing straight away!

  “I just want something a bit more real THAN THIS – ” I said.

  And he said he doesn’t want a girlfriend cause of his LAST girlfriend

  (his imaginary one???),

  and because of couples like Nat and Dan and Josie and Mark, and how I’m so much like Nat!!

  (what!!!)

  “Just tell me you don’t care then, Evvy, and be done with it! So we can end this!!”

  “The decision is up to you whether we end this, cause I’M NOT ENDING IT!!”

  “Well I’m not ending it EITHER!!”

  “Neither am I!”

  “Oh dear God, just ONE OF US end it!!” I moaned.

  “So you want to end it?”

  “No!” I cried. “But I can’t go on like this either!”

  And he just got up and left then!!

  Just hopped out of bed and stomped to my (locked) door. He turned to me, demanded, “Let me out, woman,”

  (I’ll let him out, alright!!)

  so I sighed, got up, unlocked the door while he glared at me, then stupidly followed him out to his car.

  (one of us is a gentleman)

  Then we started going over the same things all over again by his car.

  I begged again, “Just tell me you don’t care!”

  “No.”

  “It’ll be SO MUCH EASIER – ”

  “Well it won’t be true!”

  I sighed. “Let’s take a break for a few weeks. Work out what we want. If you’re still thinking of me in a few weeks, maybe it’ll work.” I don’t know what I was saying. I was just exhausted and done.

  “I’ll get over you,” he then said, CRUELLY.

  “What?” I said in an ominous, I want to kill you voice.

  “I’ll still be thinking of you, but I’ll get over it.”

  I was crushed by his words. “I can’t go on like this.”

  “Look, I just hate being told what to do! Like having to kiss you Saturday night.”

  I shook my head at him, watching him in the dark, thinking I just wanted to be in his arms. “It should come naturally, if you cared about me or wanted me. You’d just WANT to kiss me. No matter who’s around.”

  Ever just gave me an insolent shrug. But he was still standing there.

  “Why can’t you do this stuff? The basics?”

  “I don’t…know.” His voice caught, and when it did, it caught my heart.

  He looked sad. Devastated, actually.

  (I was his mirror image, I’m sure)

  “Can I give you a kiss goodnight?” he asked. Dreamily.

  But I couldn’t bear it in that moment. Couldn’t bear his touch, his kiss, if he didn’t love me enough, or in the way I needed.

  I shook my head no.

  We stood, facing each other, my arms wrapped around myself, near his car out the back of my place.

  “Go inside,” Ever suddenly said, his voice that of a boyfriend again. I crave that tone he gets about him.

  “No,” I stubbornly replied. Just because.

  “Go inside, woman.”

  “Why?” I whispered brokenly.

  “Because I can’t walk away from you.”

  I wiped a tear then, and stared at the ground.

  “I can’t walk away from you. Go inside.”

  “I don’t want to – ”

  “I CAN’T WALK AWAY FROM YOU!” he suddenly cried, his voice breaking.

  My heart exploded, at his tone, his voice, the love coming from it. The heartbreak.

  “I can’t walk away from you either!!” I cried back, the tears coming now.

  Ever grabbed me then, pulled me to him, crushed me against him. “I can’t make this decision,” I said, muffled against his shirt.

  And he dropped his arms from me, turned and stalked to the driver’s side. He started his V8 engine with a roar, and peeled away.

  I stood there and watched him, till his taillights were gone.

  I wanted him to see me when he looked in his rearview mirror.

  I wanted him to see, and feel, deep in his heart, what he’d left behind.

  Thursday 27 July 2000

  12.20pm

  Dying of a broken heart, and boredom.

  Not sure which is worse.

  Got no more ‘Dawson’s’ episodes to watch. Too sad to read. Just lying here, wallowing.

  Like some pink pig in mud.

  Renee better let me come to work tomorrow. I’ll die if I have to endure another day at home like this.

  God, I’m so in love with Evvy. Or something with him.

  Why do other girls, everybody I know, get partners, but I can’t get Evvy.

  8.41pm

  I want Evvy TORN UP over me. Devastated!!!

  I want him so in love with me he can’t stand it.

  Friday 28 July 2000

  2.57pm

  Ugh. Dying. Physically and emotionally.

  7.48pm

  Oh. My. God. Evvy just called me. I’m in shock.

  He goes, “Hey woman!” like nothing whatsoev
er has happened.

  “Er…hi. I guess.”

  “Your idea for a break was a good one. Let’s do it.”

  Took me a moment to realize he was meaning my offhand comment the other night. I replied with, “I never thought I’d hear from you again.”

  “I know. I heard.”

  (Nat and Dan??)

  “So is that okay,” he prompted, sounding in a hurry to get off the phone.

  What do I say to that?? Is it better to just be over now?? Am I just gonna drown in hope for three weeks then be brutally crushed again?? What do I do or say??

  “So you’re gonna call me in three weeks??”

  “Yes.”

  Pause by me. “You know it’s going to be that much harder for me in three weeks when you call and say you can’t do it– ”

  “That’s it, I don’t want to talk about it!! I’ll call you in three weeks.”

  I better be damn unforgettable. Every time he sees something pink, he better think of me. Every time he sees his best mates, Nat and Dan, he better think of the ‘twin’ he left behind.

  I don’t wanna be forgettable.

  11.02pm

  It was Josie that told Evvy off. Dan rang and said Josie gave Ever such a revving, in front of everyone, they all went speechless. Apparently she kicked his ass for losing me!!!

  God I’m so in love with Josie right now. If only I were a lesbian.

  Rich rang!! He finally told me when he’ll be back. I can’t wait!! We’re going to have so much fun together! To have him back is going to mean everything. I’ll have someone to go to the movies with, down the coast with. We’ll have drunken nights on his parents’ back porch again, like we used to.

  We’ve been discussing all the things we’ll do.

  I love him, I truly do. Not in a jump in bed or I’ll die of passion way, but in a true way. I just love him. Like family.

  It’s raining, and this place has a tin roof. Sounds so magical.

  Saturday 29 July 2000

  7.00pm

  Think I narrowly missed killing myself last night.

  (who knew it could be that easy?? My last ACTUAL suicide attempt, the one Dad has never forgiven me for and didn’t talk to me for six months over – ON YA FAMILY, FOR THE SUPPORT! - was very complicated and painful and involved me being forced to drink tar then vomiting black tar everywhere for hours. Apparently liquid codeine is the go. Mental note for next time. KIDDING!!!! If I can’t joke here, where can I joke??)

  I slept from last night till 3pm today, and I only woke up cause Nat arrived.

  It was midnight and I couldn’t sleep from coughing, and instead of measuring the dose, I just grabbed it from the bedside table and took a swig.

  Then passed out for fifteen hours.

  Today, after Nat woke me

  (going, “You look like shit!!” Oh thank you, dear sis),

  I checked the bottle, and I’d gulped half of it!!!

  Dan and the boys and my new idol, Josie, are going into the city tonight. I am so jealous!! I want to be out having fun.

  Nat’s going to the drive-in tonight, and I was supposed to go, but I couldn’t get out of bed if I tried.

  Sunday 30 August 2000

  4.40pm

  Feeling better today.

  I went to lunch with Dad and Cruz at The Colmslie

  (think they were feeling sorry for their retarded daughter, and decided to take me out to ease their guilt),

  then did all my washing at Dad’s in his sad little (that I secretly love) twin tub from 1950, which means standing over it and handwashing everything. It took me forever.

  Then I had to drive to the laundromat and dry it all.

  Now I’m just stuffed and fallen into bed.

  Haven’t heard any news from my sources (so Dan) about Evvy…I know it’s Tom’s 21st next Saturday.

  I won’t be invited!!

  And that hurts.

  So I’ve GOT to have plans for next Saturday night, because one of the Scooby Gang will ask what I’m up to, and I’ve gotta at least LOOK like I have a life.

  8.25pm

  ‘My Best Friend’s Wedding’ is on. Makes me think of Rich.

  Monday 31 July 2000

  6.29pm

  I can barely move at the moment. Work was HARD, cause I was so sick. Struggled through the day.

  Julia said at one point today that Evvy should be looking after me.

  Ha! What a joke. Ha ha ha ha ha!!!

  Except I looked crushed instead, then cried on Julia’s shoulder.

  Then Renee stood up, peering over the cubicles, and called out, “Pinky, are you bringing a partner to the opening night?”

  (of our new building we’re about to move in to),

  and my head whipped up from Julia’s shoulder, and I cried, “YES!! Yes I am!!”, to Nat raising her eyebrows at me, wondering what partner I was bringing, and where I was pulling him out of.

  Why why WHY am I so stupid?? Why did I say I’m bringing a partner?? I DON’T HAVE A BLOODY PARTNER!!

  Cause I want one SO BAD IT HURTS.

  And his stupid (my stupid) final decision crap falls THE NIGHT BEFORE opening night. So I will most likely be dateless anyway!

  I kinda like being single at work events, so I can flirt with EVERYBODY

  (namely, Benny),

  but Renee needed exact numbers and WHO AM I GONNA PULL OUT OF MY ASS TO TAKE??!!!

  Hyperventilating now.

  I so wanted Sherrie and Julia to meet him. Yes, I’ve gabbed about Evvy like he’s some prince.

  Prince of Darkness.

  6.02pm

  I woke up in a pool of sweat and Nat ringing. Mark’s in hospital, and I just got really sad for him. He’s a total doll, so sweet.

  Then I got really sad for myself, which is so rotten of me, cause Josie is staying the night in hospital with him, and I just burst into tears at Nat telling me, BECAUSE NO ONE WOULD DO THAT FOR ME.

  (I’ve had multiple surgeries, and no one has stayed with me)

  That’s just crushing, to realize that. While I die alone of whopping cough.

  Nat and Dan are going to see him, and I feel left out. I love all those guys, even stupid Tom, and I want to be a part of their group.

  But I’m groupless. I have no group. I stand alone…

  Or die alone, would be more accurate.

  I don’t know why I can’t find love. Everybody else can.

  I’m like love retarded.

  Tuesday 1 August 2000

  8.06am

  Not going into work. Renee is strangely happy I’m not going in. I rang Nat to tell her I’m staying home and burst into another sobbing fit. I think it’s just a total lack of sleep from this cough, and being alone constantly, no work, no one to cheer me up.

  And all this crap with Everard.

  No money coming in next week, if I don’t work this week.

  And no one to look after me.

  That’s the real tearjerker. I deserve someone (Evvy) over here, fussing over me, cooking me dinner, cuddling me (while I sweat and wheeze). But nooooo.

  (one older brother had to go and screw it up)

  Maybe it’s all me. Maybe I picked wrong. I should’ve let Nick woo me, I should have been with…

  I was about to say Matt Johnson.

  Sigh.

  I always pick the wrong guys!!!

  I have so much love to give, and no one to give it to.

  Maybe I need to get a puppy.

  9.41pm

  Can’t sleep. Richie just rang!! He made me feel better. He said he’s been ringing constantly the last two nights. With me in and out of consciousness, I haven’t picked up the phone much.

  I get this niggly feeling every time I speak to Rich. Like he truly cares, that he really loves me.

  But I long for Evvy.

  So Rich made me laugh and laugh (till I choked). We’re both so excited about all the things we’re going to do. He told me I must be better for when he’s back! Winter will be over by then, an
d we can play in the sun all weekend.

  I can’t wait!!!

  I need to play so badly.

  My loneliness will be over soon, because Richie will be back, we’ll have each other. I have so much to look forward to.

  Rich did wonders (as usual) for cheering me up.

  I’m going to get him a friendship ring, I’ve decided. I told Julia, and she said there’s an Irish jewelry place in the city that sells friendship rings, and you can get matching ones, so I could get one too!!!

  6.12pm

  Renee rang and wants me to take a month off!!!!

  Surely I will die of boredom and loneliness.

  And most likely, poverty.

  I have no sick days up to take a month off work. But then Nat rang from work and said I’ve got three weeks holiday pay. So I’ll go see Sue tomorrow, see what her professional medical opinion is!

  Damn cough. Damn body. Damn life.

  Beth rang before. Feels like forever since we’ve spoken! I left a message on her mobile Saturday night to tell her I’m still alive (barely), but apart from that…yeah, she’s possessive, but she loves me! She said she’s bringing me dinner and the Cosmo tomorrow night!! I can’t wait!!

  Going to go make soup.

  (so pour soup from a can and heat in microwave)

  Wednesday 2 August 2000