Shampoo

by Karina Almeroth

  9.19pm

  Met Dan and Josh at the gym at like 6.20pm. I went hard for an hour and a half! Proud of myself. The gym’s a great way to get my mind off Evvy, since I’m too busy dying, trying to make it to the end, to even think of him.

  The exercise made me feel so good!

  Dan and I were talking about Evvy tonight, and I was wondering whether to just bite the bullet, accept the fucker as he is and his relationship limitations, but Dan was all, no, don’t give in, that I can’t NOT care about him, I need it proper. It’s who I am!

  (is it??)

  I’m in it for love, he said, which is very true.

  He’s right. I’ll still be as miserable as I was if I go back to him as it was.

  Only 3 more days till I’m back at work. Thank God.

  Friday 11 August 2000

  2.13pm

  I’m having a picnic

  (by myself – story of my life)

  at Forest Lake. It’s heavenly. I love it. I love being out in nature, near water or on water, especially.

  I’m in that exact spot Sherrie and I had our picnic last year. I’m reading through all my old diaries. Gives me perspective sometimes.

  I was so settled, so happy, in my last diary. Just happy in my own existence. Now I feel frazzled and unsettled again.

  That’s what men do to you.

  I feel like I’ve allowed Evvy to flip me upside down, and I’m losing myself again in our ‘not’ relationship.

  I’ve taken everything for granted again…all that pain I went through, all that abuse. I’m not where I was, so I need to just chill, and enjoy life and people again. And maybe just chill and enjoy Evvy??

  I had so many more worries and debts back then, too, far more than I have now. I’ve gotten through so much worse, AND, it’s over. I’m free.

  I feel like a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders.

  I’ve also forgotten, WAY TOO EASILY, how awful love is. Or is for me, anyway.

  Love should be magical, beautiful, unforgettable. It should be SPECTACULAR.

  3.12pm

  “A boy could totally set me back. Again.”

  Why do I never listen to myself?? I am so wise under all this self-destructiveness and pink.

  On the other hand, I really like Evvy. I should just see him with no relationship, just enjoy him. We have so much fun together, or we did.

  I feel a bit stupid and unevolved demanding to be a couple or it’s off. When did I become one of THOSE chicks??

  I’m CLEARLY not ready for a relationship.

  8.39pm

  I feel so unbelievably happy. Just free of something heavy!!

  I did the brave

  (brave ALWAYS means stupid)

  thing and stopped in at Everard’s on my way home from Forest Lake.

  I just died when I saw him. He looked so gorgeous.

  His sister let me in, and her and her mum looked so surprised and happy to see me. Then I knocked on Evvy’s door and let myself in without pausing, and his face like totally lit up when he saw me. Was magical.

  He was all, “Hey woman!! What are you doing here??”

  I was all, “Oh, I was at the lake, thought I’d stop in on my way home.”

  Then he was all curious as to what I was up to, like I was up to something suspicious.

  (any one that writes in her diary so much is a suspicious character I say)

  THEN he took me outside to his car, and he’d crashed it!!! Oh his poor beautiful car.

  “Now who’s the better driver,” I laughed.

  Ever laughed too. He was spewing about his car, telling me all about what happened, then his mum came out with us and she told me about it, too, and I just felt all warm and fuzzy, cause they were both making me feel really loved and welcome and wanted.

  So then we headed back to his room, and he sat on his bed, silenced his precious Foxtel sports and asked me, “Did you hear about Saturday night?”

  Unsure what part he meant

  (other than crushing me with his ‘I don’t care’ responses),

  I was all, “No, what happened?”

  “I made your sister cry.” He actually seemed really sad about it.

  “What!!” This was news to me. “Nat said she gave you a revving but that was it.”

  “Noooo-ho-ho,” he replied. “We had a TALK, and she started crying.”

  I looked and felt puzzled. “But why? Over what?”

  Evvy sighed.

  (this must be hard for him – admitting fault)

  “Over you being so sick and alone, and my…my treatment of you.”

  (oh, don’t you dare go grow a heart now, Everard!!)

  Then he changed the subject.

  “It’s not three weeks yet,” he started.

  “Noooo-ho-ho,” I replied.

  Ever grinned. “Smart ass.” Pause. “You ring me Tuesday night, you come over now…” He trailed off.

  I laughed. “One of us has to make the effort.”

  He laughed too.

  (God I love when he’s nice)

  Then, “I looked for you and Dan all night.”

  My heart just about swelled and exploded. “You did?”

  He nodded. “All. Night.”

  “Well, we were there. We never left Mary St…”

  “Whereabouts were you?”

  “On the stage downstairs mainly…” I thought about that freak pashing me.

  “ON THE STAGE?? You must have been drunk!”

  “You missed this freak kissing me, and I pushed him so hard he went flying across the floor and landed on his ass hahaha!”

  Ever laughed too. “You have this funny shit you do, woman.” He looked sad then, like he’d missed out on something and he didn’t like it.

  “Sooo,” I eventually said into the silence.

  “So,” he replied, watching me carefully.

  But it was a good watch. It made me shiver, his eyes on me like that. “It stands the same with me,” he finally said, crushing me. “I can’t do it.”

  “I know,” I replied, determined to be big and zen and damn near pink monk like. “I shouldn’t have pressured you. I should’ve known you couldn’t do it.”

  Evvy looked like he was about to fall over and die, he was so surprised at my response. What was he expecting? Tantrums?? Yells?? My sister??

  “It’s up to you what we do,” he managed to splutter out.

  (ooh, I’ve discovered I like making him offguard)

  “But I can’t do a proper relationship – ”

  “Okay.”

  “So you should find another guy – ”

  “I don’t want anyone else – ”

  “You say that now, but – ”

  “I don’t want anyone else. Let’s just chill, and see each other. Whenever.”

  (whatever hippie crack I’m smoking, it’s time to pull it out my back pocket and smoke it, I’m being so ridiculously zen)

  Ever seriously looked like I’d made him melt at my words. “This is your chance to find another guy…”

  (he SO didn’t sound like he wanted me to find another guy though)

  “I don’t WANT to find another guy. Let’s just chill, okay?” I came and sat next to him. “If all I wanted was a relationship, I would’ve gone out and got it. There’s plenty of guys I could have a relationship with – ”

  (?? I’m totally bullshitting here. What guys?? The ones in my head??)

  “ – if that’s all I wanted.”

  “Oh, TRUST ME, I KNOW.” He sounded and looked all pissed off then. What does he know?? Is he jealous of guys around me?? What guys?? I made it up!!

  “But I want you.”

  He looked so happy. We stared at each other, but he didn’t reach for me, and no way IN HELL I was reaching for him!

  “So we go back to the way it was?” he finally asked, and he sounded so worried, like he was terrified I would say no way, josé.

  (I should’ve said that. WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING)


  “You can’t do a relationship, I’m ashamed of myself for pressuring you, so we will do…some version of what we had.”

  (gulp)

  My poor little heart.

  “Well.”

  “A hole in the ground.”

  “Haha. Hahaha.” Then, “I don’t wanna talk about this anymore,” said His Highness.

  I saluted him. “I’m outta here, Captain – ”

  “I’m having a shower,” he stated rudely.

  “I’m outta here!” I headed to the door.

  “What are you up to tonight?” He sounded concerned.

  “Just the gym.” I withheld adding ‘with Dan and Josh.’ No need to be petty and try to make him jealous.

  (of what, I don’t know)

  “Oh.” He looked, dare I say it, HEARTBROKEN. Does the Tin Man (Tom Man) have a heart??

  I gave him a carefree smile, like everything was A-OK on Planet Pink, and turned to leave.

  “It bothered me,” he repeated, the look on his face TO DIE FOR. “Not seeing you.”

  I melted. I broke out into a grin.

  (I WON!!!)

  My heart soared.

  “Slightly,” he added. “Just slightly.”

  I shrugged. “That’s good enough for me, Everard,” and I turned and exited his room in a hurry.”

  “I’ll call you woman!!” he called after me, as I waved goodbye to his mum and sister in the lounge.

  “Okay!!” I called back.

  I’ve never been so happy in my life.

  10.01pm

  When I got home after seeing Evvy, I rang Nat, and told her everything, and when I got to the part about Evvy crashing his car, she was all: “AHHHH-HAHAHAHAHAHA!!! That stupid asshole!! Serves him FUCKING RIGHT!! Him and his precious COMMODORE. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!”

  Isn’t she mean?? Funny, but mean.

  She thinks I’m setting myself up for more hurt, that why would I even want the ‘bratty fucker’??

  Sigh. I don’t know. I just do.

  Then I went to the gym with the boys, only for an hour this time. I left at 7.30pm, left the boys pretending to do weights, and drove home all happy!!! I love driving home from the gym (at the uni on Kessels Road) at night – the roads are all empty, and I burst my eardrums by cranking the music loud, and absolutely floor it all the way home.

  Is the best fun ever. I think it might actually be my reason for living. Love hooning around at night on empty streets with the stereo blasting. God, IT IS THE MOST FUN EVER!!!!

  (I don’t really need an excuse to feel natural highs and hoon around)

  I don’t know WHAT comes over me, but I just drive like a total loon. Tonight I was worse than ever, cause I was on such a mega-high over Evvy, and weights off my shoulders, and blah blah blah.

  (clearly I have total disregard for my own life, the way I drive when I’m alone especially on roads)

  Should I be this happy?? I have this impending feeling of doom underneath this insane delirium.

  Renee rang today to see how I am, and I had to try not to cough for the entire conversation, cause if I’d coughed even once, she would have been all ‘That’s it!! You’re having another three months off!!’

  Was very hard to do with whooping cough. I got off the phone and had THE biggest coughing fit.

  I am SO EXCITED about being back at work, AND it’s in the brand new swanky building!! Everybody is so excited about it, and calling me from work to tell me all about it – Joy, Nat, Sherrie, Melissa, Julia. Can’t wait to see it!! No more of that cramped office where we’re all on top of each other or that tiny joke of a lunch room for 60 employees (lunch corner more like).

  I am so excited!!!

  Gizzy just chomped right down on my toe.

  (someone’s gotta)

  Stupid cat.

  Saturday 12 August 2000

  5.52pm

  Evvy hasn’t rung. I know because I star ten hashed.

  Sigh.

  BUT…Beth and I got Blink 182 tickets today!!!!

  EEK EEK EEK!!!

  Her sister, Beth and I were dancing around their lounge room to Blink this morning!! It was so funny. We were dancing and bopping and laughing madly.

  Ahhhh…good times!

  Then I went to Carindale. Now I’m resting before Beth and I go into the city.

  Yes, the freed pink puppy gets to act all crazy again tonight!!

  1.01am

  Well, I’m home. I had a great time, but Beth wanted to leave. Plus I drove in, so I’m not drunk…didn’t even have one drink!!

  There really is a first for everything!!

  It was so funny – Nat’s friend Rebecca was in at Mary St again! I’d just seen her and danced with her Tuesday night! Beth and I danced with them for awhile.

  Then we went to Adrenalin and watched the game.

  It was great there! The game was fantastic. Go the Roosters! And my honey, Craig Wing…I could watch him all day!!

  (do you think he’s short?? Like in real life??)

  I had a great time tonight, but FUCK. All I wanted was Evvy there.

  At least Tuesday night I was so maggotted I didn’t care. Tonight I was too aware of everything.

  And I just longed for affection, a man to hug and kiss me. I just felt flat and lonely and sad all night.

  This is why I drink. I’m so much happier and fun then.

  Sunday 13 August 2000

  7.10pm

  What a perfect day!!!

  Beth and I went down the coast, and it was HEAVEN.

  I made sure I appreciated the sun and the beach and everything. Been stuck indoors for so long. I soaked it all in.

  I love the Gold Coast so much. I feel it. It’s my home.

  We had a picnic on the beach, with Beth having made up bread rolls filled with cheese, ham, lettuce, mayo, and a cold pasta salad on the side, and Coke. Was yummy!! I love when people feed me. I’m like an orphaned, abandoned child. With no ability to feed myself.

  (forever grateful to be fed, I am)

  We went into the fairy shop I always go into while I’m on the coast, then window shopped at Pac Fair.

  We had two hotted up cars keep following us, and beeping their horns, and yelling stuff out to us. Beth and I laughed and laughed.

  (yes we’re hot and we know it!!!)

  (kinda…I forever don’t know my own worth)

  We were stopped at the lights at Broadbeach where the Hungry Jack’s is, and the two cars following us pulled up on either side of us. Both hotted up Fords.

  “Pfft,” I said to Beth, our windows down, listening to their ‘hey babies,’ and ‘where are you’s going?’ “They’re driving fucking Fords!”

  Beth shook her head. “You and your Holdens!!” A pause. “Think you can take them?”

  (whoa ho ho, I so don’t need her encouragement. Is bad for me)

  “I know I can take them. They’re driving Fords! THIS,” I patted my baby’s dash, “IS A HOLDEN.”

  I started revving the car. This only got the carloads of bare chested surfies on either side of us more excited. They started revving too.

  (this is so much fun)

  The light turned green and I absolutely floored it, roaring off, both cars on either side of me trying to keep up.

  I left them in my dust.

  Piss on Ford!

  Beth and I laughed and laughed and lost them way behind us.

  I felt so alive!!!!

  9.32pm

  Why hasn’t he called??

  Watching ‘I Know What You Did Last Summer,’ and getting more and more upset as the night wears on.

  I wish he’d just TELL ME he doesn’t care, so I can move on.

  Chapter 6

  MATT??

  Monday 14 August 2000

  9.11pm

  Oh praise Jebus and Hallelujah!!!!!!!! First day back at work today!!!

  The new building is STUNNING. It’s so BIG. And luxurious and bright colours and polished wood.

  (hold the handrails, Karina!!)


  Actually, that was the first thing Evie, the receptionist, all alone now in her great big foyer reception area, said to me when she saw me – “Hold onto those rails, Pinky!!”

  She hadn’t even seen me yet, the way the stairs are. “How did you know it was me!!”

  Evie laughed. “The way you clunk your heels down when you walk. It’s so funny! Like you’re trying not to fall over. Again!”

  Ha ha. Everyone’s a comedian.

  (no one is ever going to let me live down that I fell down the stairs and broke my ass at work)

  The office itself is huge!! No more girls on top of each other, getting bitchy!! Now we can just be bitchy!!

  Everyone has their own huge desk, with partitions in places, and see through partitions in others, and the bosses and Gerry have three big glass offices one after the other lined up against one wall, and one spare one decked out with furniture but empty of a person, as if the architect and the bosses, when designing it, dreamt some fourth uber boss would join their (midlife crisis) crew, and selling shampoo based on sin.