I remember last year at the Beer Fest, when Rick left me there (he was SUCH an asshole), and everyone from Sin left, I stayed with Caroline
(DY’s exchange student nanny, English not her native language, left by everyone at work!! And me, being her sole protector, and trying to get her home. I mean, honestly!! I could barely stand up, I was so drunk. I should not be left responsible for anyone, like ever. It just should not be done),
and Caroline and Bobby got it on!!! Right in front of me at the Beer Festival.
I was devo at the time. I’ve always liked Bobby. I was a bit devo this time, too, when he tells me he has a girlfriend.
Plenty more fish in the sea.
(where???)
and he did ask for my number and told me to come around their place (the party house on Logan Road).
I've always had that major attraction to Bobby.
So all of us sort of joined them, got a table next to them.
Dad and Cruz were so good to Sam. I think Cruz even kissed him!??!
(don't worry, it ended badly, but go ahead and kiss the ex-boyfriend)
I had a great time with Richie. It's so good to have him back.
Of course I got annoyed with Nat and Dan, because they're old fucking fogies, and Dad and I had a big long chat about it.
(over beers. Of course. We were at a Beer Festival)
Dad knows how much I want to be out, doing things, appreciating life, that Nat never wants to do anything with me anymore. We used to do everything together - shopping, movies, clubbing. Now it doesn't feel like I have a best friend anymore, I have just a sister. And Dad's all, "That'll happen, we have totally different lives now, it happens as we get older," blah blah. Sigh.
So Old Fogey Couple dragged Richard and I home too early, and the oddest thing happened. We were all standing in the waiting line for a cab, and Nat and Dan were just so serious, angry even, done with the night
(and probably each other),
but Rich and I kept mucking around in line, and I kept falling off the curb and laughing hysterically
(I was DRUNK, very drunk, in my defence),
and Rich would grab me and steady me, or grab me and we'd hand wrestle each other till he'd push me off the curb again, but he'd grab me before I fell and did any major damage
(brain cells beyond damage, however),
and I will never forget the way he looked at me then. The way he looked, under the lights outside The Story Bridge.
He looked at me with love. With happiness, joy, love.
And as he pulled me into his arms and stopped me falling off the curb, I stayed in his arms
(his very muscular, tattooed arms - more muscular than Evvy's)
and looked up at him, and I felt it.
That elusive "it."
I wondered then if Richard was the one… my old best friend from the cinemas, the one that used to pick on me at work, and make my life hell, then sit back and watch me in the candy bar… then we became friends and it felt so right, so comfortable and comforting…
Is he the one?
Then Nat said, "Cab's here," and Rich and I reluctantly pulled apart from each other, and climbed in the cab.
I stared out the window the whole way home, my heart heavy, filled with joy and a heaviness at the same time, and even Dan commented on it. "Kerry's quiet, for once," he noted.
"She must be BEYOND drunk then," Nat concluded.
Rich put his arm around me then, and pulled me to him. I cuddled into his chest and closed my eyes, and thought, "This feels right."
That scared the crap out of me.
I'm not ready for right!! I don't know right!! I only know wrong!!
(when it comes to men)
And Rich is my best friend, and none of my relationships ever work!! I would lose him.
But God, it felt like Heaven, staring into his eyes, being in his arms.
So then we all got home, and I don't even remember falling asleep on the futon in the lounge. Rich was on the floor when I woke up.
So this morning Rich and I went for a drive through Wynnum, parked and looked out at the water. We were both a bit quiet, and hung over. Then I dropped him home, packed my place mostly up, went to my Future home, did my washing, washed my car there, came home and crashed!!!
6.34pm
Evvy's just rung!!! And asked me to come over to his place!!
WHOOSH!!!!!! - - - - - - - -
(that's me flying out the door)
Tuesday 12 September 2000
7.47am
Work was hectic yesterday. I didn't finish till 6pm last night.
So ANYWAY!! I drove to Evvy's Sunday night, and he was sitting up in bed watching his giant-ass TV, so I dumped my bag and jumped straight into bed with him.
He was affectionate straightaway, wrapping his arms around me, kissing me.
God. I died.
"Where have you BEEN, woman!!" he asked as he plundered me with kisses.
(you like that word, plundered? I do!!)
"I've been calling you constantly since Friday!"
"I've been calling you, too! I got your mum a coupla of times but you were ASLEEP, PRIN - CESS, or out."
He kissed me some more. "I heard you went to the Beer Festival."
Kiss, kiss. Smooch, smooch. "Yeah, and you should have been there!"
LONG kiss. "I heard you went with some tattooed guy who's in love with you."
Oh, now his frantic phone call and sudden asking me over makes sense!! "That's my best friend Rich, and he's so not in love with me."
"I hear he is."
Bless Dan and his big, gossipy mouth.
"He so isn't. Trust me."
"Everybody's in love with you, woman!"
"What!"
I have no idea where he's coming up with this crap, BUT I LOVE IT!!!
“You so don’t see it, which makes it even more adorable.”
I smacked him. “I’m alone. ALL THE TIME. Who the fuck is supposedly in love with me??”
“You CHOOSE to be alone. You could have ten guys tomorrow if you wanted to!”
I’m loving the ego trip he’s put me on, but what ten guys?? Imaginary ones??
“I don’t know where you’re getting your information from, but it’s wrong.”
He kept kissing me. “How’d I get so lucky to get you?”
Whoa. Whoa. Hold the flying pink unicorns.
What is going on!!!
Are men that insecure? All it took was a tattooed best friend around me for Ever to do a complete back flip??
Rich is so handy!!!!
That moment between us flashed before my eyes…Rich and I at the cab rank, me cuddled up to him in the cab. Another moment at his 21st, when I was 19…
Must forget them all and focus on Evvy.
So he totally had me at the ‘How’d I get so lucky?’ comment. We had the hottest love-making session ever. I hurt whenever I move, my thighs were put in such positions.
BLUSH!!!!
We cuddled naked together for ages after. I could do that forever. The after sex cuddling. It feels so decadent.
Then he murmured in my ear, “You can stay if you want…”
“…except I really can’t fall asleep with anyone else in the bed.”
Moment Killer. That’s what he is.
I didn’t want to stay anyway. I was so tired by this stage, all I wanted was my pink bed and my grey cat.
So we kissed goodbye, and he watched me in this sexy, intense way as I dressed in front of him.
“I love those pink lacy g-strings you wear.”
(only when I know I’m seeing him!)
“You’re so sexy, woman. And fun, funny, sweet…independent.”
Seriously, had he taken something before I’d come??
“Are you sniffing glue, Everard? Like the rest of Inala?” I asked, finally dressed. “Cause the stuff that’s coming out your mouth…”
Ever grabbed me, making me yelp, and pulled me back into his arms. He kissed
me like he’s never kissed me before. “No wonder everyone’s in love with you,” he growled against my lips, his hands scrunching in my hair.
I was dizzy with it all, and trying to put a brave face on. I could feel myself plummeting further into that ‘I fucking love this guy’ hole.
And it will be a hard landing. It’s never soft.
“Okay, I’m going now, cause this new you is scaring me.”
He smacked me on the ass as I got up. “I thought this is what you wanted!”
“Oh, it is. But I need to adjust to you like this. Give me a moment.”
Ever grinned, looking sexy as hell, naked, sitting up against his headboard, white sheet draped carelessly over his nakedness. “You want to stay? Maybe you should stay…”
He was in an EXTREMELY loving mood.
(sooo not fucking like him!)
He seemed bummed I was about to leave.
“No, I’ve had a big weekend. Need some sleep. Not performing for you all night – ”
“Oh, you PERFORMED all right – ”
I grabbed a pillow at the end of his bed and hit him with it while he laughed. I made my way to the door, opened it, turned back to look at him. Leaned my head against the door, watching him.
I wanted to tell him, “I love you,” so bad at that moment. I was aching from it.
His eyes were intense back, his hands behind his head now. He looked HOT.
Ever looked like he wanted to eat me up. “Whatever you’re thinking, woman?” A pause. “Me too.”
My heart crash landed at the bottom of that hole. “Really?” I managed to squeak.
“Really.”
I could FEEL the love between us. It was like a rope, pulling us towards each other.
(while we both resisted)
“Shut the door on your way out, woman.”
Sigh.
Moment Killer.
Wednesday 13 September 2000
7.54am
Yesterday was just a painful day at work.
So tired.
Then I went straight from work to Richard’s for dinner. I felt really off yesterday. Was just too tired to be chirper at Richie’s.
Benny asked me yesterday at work if I’ve found a man yet…
Was he asking for himself?? For Aaron?? Just out of curiosity??
Is Evvy’s ‘Ten Men That Love Me’ theory true??
I replied no to Benny. Ever is SOOO not my boyfriend. Even comical just thinking about that.
I wish he was, but he’s not.
Oh, I wish I had a boyfriend!! Julia has so much fun with Michael, they seriously make it look so much fun!!
Nat and Dan do not. Or Josie and Mark, for that matter. Well, they kinda do. Half the time. The other half, you just cringe at their fights.
But to have a relationship like Julia and Michael, that’s the dream.
Sigh.
Thursday 14 September 2000
10.47pm
I think I’ve decided I should give up all hope on Evvy. Once and for all.
It’s just too heartbreaking. The other night, it was amazing, near perfect…but he still holds me at arm’s length, I still can’t call him my boyfriend.
I’ve gotta stop thinking of him, stop purposely not making plans on the weekends in the hope he’ll ring and ask me to do something.
What a croc!! He never makes plans!! Fuck him!!
I’m angry!!
I believe, all of a sudden, that I’ve been extremely pathetic, and I should move on.
He doesn’t even TRY.
He rang tonight, and asked for Dan’s number. Why the hell he’s ringing for a number he’s already got, is beyond me.
I gave it to him, then added, “Is that all you’re ringing me for?” and he goes, “Yeah! Can’t talk, gotta go!”
I felt like ringing him back and telling him to FUCK OFF once and for all!
I am so pissed!
This is the first I’ve heard from him since our last magical night together, and this is all he says!! “Can I have Clewsy’s number??”
(said in a retarded voice, cause I hate his damn voice now)
You think he could’ve had some kind of conversation at all, or said I’ll call you back later, or let’s do something tomorrow night. I just always feel like a bit of a dick, me ALWAYS being the one to want to do anything, me always waiting for him, me going over to his place, he hasn’t been to my place IN FUCKING FOREVER, me telling HIM I want sex, then he practically kicks me out each time, AND DOESN’T RING ALL WEEK, then the only reason he DOES RING, IS TO ASK FOR DAN’S NUMBER!!!!
Deep breaths.
I’m so angry. I don’t want to be treated like dirt anymore. I’m done with all that crap. I want to feel special. Treated like I’m loved. I want to BE LOVED.
He doesn’t even bother being nice anymore! Unless he wants sex!
Beth came over tonight, and we packed all night. We put music on, danced around for hours while we packed. Was fun!! Richie rang while the music was blasting. When I said Beth was over, helping me pack, he immediately said, “Your lesbian lover?”
Ha ha.
Rich was trying to get me to do something tomorrow night, and I was trying not to make definite plans –
“So you want to do something tomorrow night?”
“Meh. Maybe.”
“Go to a movie?”
“Yeah. See how I feel tomorrow after work.”
“You could come here and we’ll just get drunk. What we do best! Drink vodka on the back patio.”
(like the good old days, I heard his implication)
“Yeah, I mean, that sounds good, I just don’t know what time I finish work tomorrow…”
(can’t he tell I’m fucking making excuses!!)
“Doesn’t matter what time, just come here whenever you finish.”
Sigh. Can’t he take the hint that I’m trying to hold out to see if I can make plans with a man that will actually have sex with me?? I need sex!!! Not male best friend bonding.
Now I just feel completely wrong for doing that to Rich.
I should know Evvy won’t fucking call!!!
Although he did do something with me last Friday night…
No. No hope. No more dreaming.
Stop being so delusional all the time.
So now I’ve decided I’m going out straight from work, just to prove a point
(I don’t know what it is, but a point)
and make sure I’m not home.
Work was good. All the state managers were up, so that was fun, having them all in the office to muck around with, gossiping with us, Daryl Agnew was of course in (being Qld state manager and all). I love him! The days are the funniest when he’s there.
Everything he does is funny, even when he’s mad.
Friday 15 September 2000
7.11pm
I just got home from work. I stayed after work for after work drinks…Only me, Renee, Matt and Lachie stayed. Was SUPER FUN. The four of us just sipped drinks and sat
around the office and laughed and laughed. Lachlan and Matt are really quite funny!
Now I’m undecided what to do for the night. Seems wrong staying in on a Friday night.
I rang Rich at lunch and told him I’m exhausted, I’m going home…now I’m kinda raring to go!
Dan rang me in the arvo at work, my direct line, bypassing Nat, and asked me to come over to theirs (ours) for a piss up. Nat, with her super sonic boyfriend hearing, stood up
on the other side of our cubicle wall and said, “Is that Daniel?”
“Yeah, he’s asked me over to yours. Ours.”
(shouldn’t have let them move in first, cause now it is forevermore THEIR place)
Nat just rolled her eyes and sat down. “You should come over,” she said though.
(begrudgingly)
They pike so early though!! They’re like old people.
Plus, this is my last night in my little pink home! Feels sacrilegious to not enjoy my last night of peace
before I live with two other people.
Saturday 16 September 2000
5.21pm
I ended up going over to Nat and Dan’s
(I just give up calling it my place),
and got REALLY fucking smashed with Dan.
It was so fun.
Nanna Nat ended up going to bed early, so Dan and I decided to cab it into the city.
(soon as Nat’s back is turned, we’re out getting wasted)
Then Nat must’ve gotten pissed we’d gone out without her, cause she ended up meeting us in the city.
I had such a good night. I was SOOOOO drunk.
(my favourite state)
We stumbled home about 4am, then Nat and I were up mere hours later and at Mum’s by 8am. I was still drunk and swaying.
We took Mum shopping at Inala
(Nat driving…she hadn’t consumed a whole bar),
then I drove boxes back and forth from the flat to the house, for HOURS. I was like a little mouse, going back and forth over and over again, like in some rodent maze.
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