Shampoo

by Karina Almeroth

  Was completely JOYOUS to be laughing so hard together over something. We seriously laughed so hard, over nothing really. Was just funny.

  I fell even harder. Those that make me laugh the hardest, I adore.

  So then he asked me to come over!!!

  (oh, he’s drunk!! Or something)

  A day after just seeing me, but I had the hairdressers, so we’ve made it tomorrow night.

  That was my one night all week free. But, I want him!!!!

  After the weekend…he’s all I want.

  Matt’s been so funny with me since last week!! Totally ignoring me.

  Boys are strange.

  Anyway, I was on a high all day after that phone call from Ever and cause he made me laugh so hard.

  Nat stood up after I’d hung up from him and said, “Things are getting a bit serious with eff head, hey??”

  The look on her face was funny. Ever is right, Nat does some SUPER facial expressions. “Maybe…”

  “I’ve never seen him act like this,” Nat declared.

  “Hmm,” was all I said.

  We’ll see.

  Julia and I stuffed our faces with chocolate all day. Could explain my high I’ve been on all day.

  Thursday 5 October 2000

  7.37am

  I’m up and ready and everything!!

  I stayed at Evvy’s last night, for the first time ever. Oh my god, it was nice. He’s getting better at this!! I hate to say it, cause it just makes me fall harder.

  We just cuddled and kissed, watched tv. I was so exhausted. Luckily, at his, I fall asleep at 9pm cause Evvy has all these strict rules and schedules he sticks to for his precious sleep and ‘good health.’

  (he’s so weird!)

  We discussed his asking me over on the weekend so he can cook me breakfast the next day, and he said it would have to be Saturday night, and I said good, it’ll have to be Saturday night for me too, then Ever got all curious and asked what I was doing, and I said Graham’s taking me out and he got all funny

  (ha!),

  and teased me for a bit.

  Then, five minutes of silence later, “What movie are you seeing?” his eyes on the tv, but his jaw was all tight and set, the way he gets sometimes. He knew what was coming.

  “We’re not going to the movies, we’re going out to dinner.”

  Ever leaned over to kiss me (or just to get all up in my face) and teased, “Oooh, that’s exactly what you want!! That and divey motels – ” Then he kissed me, roughly.

  “Yep,” I replied snarkily.

  (it’s a fucked up love affair we’re having)

  Another pause as he stopped staring into my eyes, and we both leant back against the headboard to (not) watch tv. I could feel the vibes coming off us both. We weren’t taking any of that tv in.

  Then, “Are you going to sleep with him??”

  “No, you idiot!” I slapped his chest, backhanded.

  He grabbed my hand and held it to his chest.

  (God, things like that just make me melt. The little touches, the sweet, loving gestures)

  “What! It’s a legitimate question!”

  “Soon as I sleep with him, or anyone else, they’ll be no more you and me! I won’t be sitting here anymore!”

  “So you’re going to break up with me and go out with Graham – ”

  My heart LEAPT at him saying ‘break up,’ cause that implies we’re in an actual relationship!! Eek!! I couldn’t believe it.

  “No!” I replied, outraged. Then, “I don’t know.”

  “You don’t know?”

  “If you and I are over, I don’t know who it’ll be FOR.”

  “Oh…”

  Pause.

  “Probably not for Graham, though.”

  “I feel so much better, thank you.”

  I laughed, and he grabbed me and kissed me, and we kept kissing while we laughed and teased each other.

  Sigh. Was heaven. I love Ever in his fun moods.

  Jules always tells me how she stays at Mike’s, and they just cuddle and watch tv all night, and when she tells me I just LONG to have that.

  Last night I had it. It’s so comfortable and cozy between us now. It’s dreamy.

  But I know the dream won’t last, and I’m going to try SO HARD not to be shattered.

  I really will try not to fall apart this time.

  8.08pm

  I’m at Dad’s, babysitting Jack and Emma upstairs. I love being here, upstairs, baby-sitting. Upstairs is so nice, I always get this sense of calm, peacefulness. I love watching the kids.

  I love that Dad and his business partner are so close. That they still live together, after all these years. It’s comforting to me. Things like other people in their stability are comforting to me.

  Since I have no stability whatsoever in myself.

  Work was good today, but I’m running on empty again lately. Battling exhaustion, all week. I’ve got to stop going out!! I’m having a ball, but God, my body likes to tell me when it gets too much.

  Last night I got to bed early, but Ever and I kept waking up all night, to kiss and fuck.

  It was so nice!!!!

  I had that deliciously, lush, decadent feeling as I drove home from his at six in the morning, my hair a mess, the same clothes on as yesterday. It’s a great feeling!!

  I love feelings. I love adventures. Anything small can be an adventure. Like driving home from your lover’s place near dawn with yesterday’s clothes on.

  Life’s SUCH AN ADVENTURE. I’m in wonder at it at times. Feels so magical and joyous.

  Ever is really trying suddenly. It blows my mind. He’s like a changed man!! It’s been amazing, more than I ever dreamed possible with him.

  Sometimes I think he’s more emotionally retarded than me. More broken than me. Which is saying a lot.

  (since I’m pretty fucking retarded and broken!!)

  It’ll all end, though, I know it. Nothing lasts forever. All relationships end eventually.

  Matt asked me to go out tonight, at work today!!!!!!!!

  I was so strangely happy he’d finally pulled his head back in.

  (cause it was sticking too far out, like an idiotic turtle, ignoring me like that for so long. I love his attention)

  Obviously, I couldn’t go out tonight, so we organized for Sunday night.

  I think he was ignoring me cause he likes me??? I don’t get that or really know.

  Clearly I am no expert on men.

  I just don’t know what the hell is happening!! The boy situation is getting out of control. I REALLY only want to start something with Ever, a real relationship between us, but we can’t seem to get it right.

  (or HE CAN’T seem to get it right)

  And I can’t start something with Matt while I’m seeing Evvy.

  Funny how I always come back to Matt, hey?? Kinda feels instinctual or destiny. Like I know something I’m not admitting. But I sure do think about Matt a lot.

  But I don’t want to stop seeing Evvy.

  I’m confused.

  Matt seemed like a force to be reckoned with today though. All sweeping towards me, all purposeful and determined…

  (after clearly freaking out for a week)

  Was hot. So hot.

  Spoke to something inside of me. I kinda just died, looking up into his eyes as he asked me out.

  Mark and Josie were over when Nat and I arrived home from work today, but I only got to chat to them for a second before leaving for here. They’re such sweet people, I love those two.

  They knew I’d stayed at Evvy’s last night. They were all, “So I hear you stayed over last night, Karina!!” teased Mark.

  Nothing is secret with this Scooby Gang. Although last night Evvy cracked up laughing at some point when we heard this car beeping outrageously as they drove past, and he said it was Mark, after spotting my car parked outside Evvy’s.

  Mark and Josie were looking at me like I was some mythical creature tonight. Like how did I do it?? How did I g
et Ever?? How did I get him to be a boyfriend?

  I don’t know that I’ve ACTUALLY done it.

  But for now, I suspect it was the magic and adventure of Stardust. He loved it.

  (I love that he loved it. It’s like he finally got me and who I am, by loving our dodgy, romantic night together at Stardust)

  I hope tomorrow goes fast at work, so I can go to dinner, eat super fast with Graham, have a beer (I’m in a beer mood…bit over drinking red wine with Joy and Graham), then come home and sleep and sleep and sleep. I’m like a zombie at the moment. Can barely keep my eyes open.

  THEN, we’ve got Julia’s aromatherapy party at OUR HOUSE Saturday morning.

  (I repeat, MORNING)

  Jules better know I love her!!!

  (first spew between my toes, and cleaning her spew off Dan’s car, now this. Morning aromatherapy party)

  Saturday 7 October 2000

  9.53pm

  I’m REALLY pissed off at the moment. Don’t know if I should even go into it, I’m that upset!!!

  Evvy, OF COURSE. Who the fuck else!!!

  You know how I was supposed to go over there tonight, to his?? The whole he wants to make me breakfast the next day crap???

  (I knew it was a sex-induced hallucination by him, offering!!)

  Well, he rings about 2pm, just as the aromatherapy party was finishing up, and he says he doesn’t know whether he’s going to go out clubbing with the boys or not tonight, and a BBQ had been planned, so he told me to come to the BBQ with Nat and Dan and he’d ‘check’ with me there if he was going out or not.

  So I said okay (stupid me), went with Nat and Dan, and when we got to Josie’s, he did his usual TOTAL IGNORING OF ME.

  I wanted to kill him!!!!

  At same stage in the extremely awkward late arvo

  (awkward for me!!),

  Nat asks what I’m doing, what I’m up to, while we were all sitting around, and I replied, “Obviously GOING HOME,” and pointedly looked at Evvy, and him and Hoffy started cracking up laughing, and Hoffy goes, “She looks so much like Nat when she looks like that!” and they laughed some more.

  (did I mention I wanted to kill him? I was not amused. And I’m often amused!!)

  Nat rolled her eyes at them.

  Evvy then said, “I was about to ask you over,” and I was all rude, I know: “Too late, MATE, cause you didn’t let me know in the arvo whether I was staying over, I haven’t brought any clothes, so I can’t – ”

  “If you need clothes, Pinky, Ever’s not doing it right!” Tom cracked.

  Ever didn’t say anything back to me, or to me for that matter, then over dinner, while we were all sitting around outside, he says to someone (one of the Evvy enablers) that he’s going out clubbing. So there goes our night together!

  I was crushed. Heartbroken. Not so much the going out, cause I’m happy to go out, too!!, but the total ignoring of me, not even talking to me or looking at me. Nothing. He just didn’t acknowledge me.

  He could have said, “Stay anyway, with no clothes.” He could’ve said, “I’ll come pick you up, so you can pack a bag.” He could’ve said, “Come clubbing with us!!”

  Anything!! Anything would’ve made me happy.

  I’m so sick of being disappointed by him.

  So I decide at the barbie he’s a fucking jerk, that he can’t even acknowledge my presence, so fuck him. There was no greeting me, no hello even, let alone a kiss or an arm around me, or anything! It was fucking awkward, and WRONG.

  THEN

  (oh, it gets better, like a nightmare that just keeps going whenever you close your eyes),

  Tom comes home with us in Dan’s car, hopping into the backseat with me, wrapping his arms around me, telling me, “Don’t be sad, Pinky, I can’t stand it!”

  (HE can’t stand it?? What about his stupid best friend??)

  Tom tried SO HARD to cheer me up, but I was REALLY down in the dumps, I was like crushed and hanging on by a thread. I couldn’t shake it.

  So Nat, Dan and Tom hung out together, drinking while I went to bed

  (you know things are bad when I go crawl into bed over drinking with everyone. Things are dire then),

  and Evvy rings the home phone, and all three of them talk to him

  (Nat saying, “Hey asshole!!!”),

  then Tom, phone in hand, standing in my doorway, says, “Evvy wants to speak to you,” so I crawl out of bed, Tom giving my cheeks

  (face cheeks, Diary, stay focused)

  a pinch and going, “Oh, darling…”

  Then I grab the phone he’s passed me, say, “Hello?” and I can hear Evvy

  (the motherfucker)

  talking to someone else, as if from a distance, and

  (GET FUCKING THIS)

  I hear him say, “He’s gone to fucking go get her, and I don’t even want to speak to her.”

  My heart SHATTERED in that instant, and I quickly slammed the phone down as if it were about to bite me.

  (it already had)

  The phone rings immediately, and Tom’s giving me a hands up, like, “What the fuck just happened??” and I just shook my head, and threw myself back under my quilt.

  Dan answered, then goes, “Kerry, he wants you!!”

  (no he fucking doesn’t!!!)

  And Nat, being an astute sister, knows I do not want to talk to the fucker, gets on the phone and pretends to be me.

  “Yeah, whaddaya want,” she says, interpreting my mood towards him to a tee.

  “Nat, I know it’s you, PUT HER ON!” Evvy apparently said.

  “He didn’t fall for it,” Nat calls into me, and I fling my quilt off in a fury, stomp to the phone, Nat gives me a “Here we go,” look

  (she also looked strangely excited, like she couldn’t wait for me to go all ‘here we go’ on Ever’s ass)

  as she hands me the receiver, and Evvy just goes, “Well, I gotta go, it’s Mark’s phone,” and he HUNG UP ON ME.

  I slammed that phone receiver repeatedly into its cradle, over and over and over again.

  “She’s lost it!!!” Dan declared.

  “What the fuck just happened, Karina???” Tom asked, staring at me in amazement. “What did he do?”

  “Be fucking BORN, is what he did!” Nat declared.

  Tom came closer to me, put an arm around me. He has this air about him I just love, this caring, take charge way I just adore, like he cares SO MUCH about you, he will fix any problem for you.

  I kinda adore Tom. Despite the company he keeps.

  “The ASSHOLE said, ‘he’s gone to go get her, and I don’t even want to speak to her’!!”

  “Whoa ho ho ho!!!” from Dan.

  “What a prick,” from Nat.

  “He did WHAT??” from a shocked Tom.

  “Then, when he asked me BACK to the phone, he just said he has to go, it’s Mark’s phone, and hung up on me!”

  Nat and Dan dispersed, as if that was it, the bomb had been dropped and it was best to just run for the hills, but Tom stood there, stumped. “Why is he so stupid?” he pondered.

  “I don’t know.” I sighed.

  Tom wrapped me in a hug. “He’s fucking stupid, you know that right?? You’re the sweetest, most fun girl I’ve ever met, you deserve better than him – ”

  “He’s your best friend!”

  “That’s how I know you deserve better. I mean, look at you! What is he thinking???”

  (Tom’s good for my ego, I’ve discovered)

  I gave him a hug back, then flopped back into bed.

  Tom leaned in my doorway. “I know he cares, that’s the strangest thing. I know he wants you so bad – ”

  “He has a fucked up way of showing it!!”

  Those three went out clubbing, and apart from the sheer devastation I was in, I lost my license somewhere recently, and haven’t organized a new one, so I couldn’t have gone in anyway.

  Not that I fucking wanted to, after that!!! Just wanted to wallow.

  I can’t deal with him anymore
. What a prick!!!

  He so got my hopes up again, that things would be different between us.

  Different, my ass!! I’m a naïve, stupid fool.

  I’m pissed at myself, for putting myself through this over and over again. I have to call it quits. He’s not good for me. I hate how he treated me tonight.

  Who was I kidding?? Did I honestly believe he’d start being a boyfriend?? Even Tom and Hoffy wouldn’t treat a girl like that, and they’re womanizers!!

  They’ve got more fucking brains!!!

  I’m so mad at him. Anyway, get over him I say. I’ve started to before, I can again.

  Anyway, the aromatherapy party was great today. Melissa came, and Melinda, Joy, Phoebe, Cruz and her mum, and Beth. Melinda looked like a fish out of water without her beloved Lachie beside her, and Beth stood out, all prickly like and stand offish, out of whack with so many Sin girls around her.

  (when you’re a Sin girl, you have a bit of crazy cockiness about you, high off life cause you know you work for THE BEST COMPANY IN THE WORLD, while everyone else has sucky full time jobs. It can be a hard thing to deal with, a group of Sin people all together)