Josh was there, too, him and Dan hung out all day with us and provided the comic relief. Julia even used the boys to do facials on, which was absolutely hilarious!!!!!!
Then Nat and I went to Indro before the barbie from hell. I controlled myself
(cause my sister was there, watching, judging)
and only bought one pink top from Dottie, while Nat bought a gorgeous pair of white jeans and new shoes to go out with tonight.
(this was a surprise, cause Nat is such a tight ass, and saves all her money in various labelled envelopes, just to look at and stare at and laugh over, wheee, wheeeeee, I have all this money in envelopes)
Last night, Graham and I went out, and I got so sloshed over dinner on red wine. I don’t know what happened to me hating on red wine, cause I was in love with it last night!!! Cause Graham drove, I went a bit overboard, slamming those glasses back. I went in with a plan, TO GET SMASHED. I was desperate for that happy, giddy feeling.
And I got there pretty fast. Like, within minutes. My elbow kept slipping off the table, I knocked a sideplate over and it smashed prettily on the floor, I dropped my knife and fork and knocked my head under the table climbing under to pick them up…I laughed madly and couldn’t stop when the waiter asked me what I wanted to order.
Graham was all, “Oh GEEZ,” by this time, and, “Just bring her whatever, I don’t think it matters at this point.”
Hey, he wants to date me??? Well this is the real me. Get used to it, buddy.
He seemed kind of worried about me actually. He practically had to carry me to my front door.
He still want an Almeroth sister????
I’ve had two champagnes tonight, Tom bringing me in one after the Evvy incident. Isn’t he sweet???? Sweeter than his best friend!!!
He was all, “Here, darling, drink this, it’ll make you feel better. Oh, don’t let the assholes of this world bring you down, you’re a fucking shining light of pinkness.”
Fuck he’s sweet.
I feel depressed, I feel sick, I feel EXHAUSTED. I haven’t slept in forever. We didn’t get home from Josie’s tonight till 9pm, and I’ve not been home early all week.
Bed is like heaven right now.
I really don’t feel well, hey. Depression…I’m dying of a broken heart.
12.48am
So Evvy rings and wakes me up! He’s on drugs.
He’s on SOMETHING.
Oh, I feel REALLY sick. May have to write tomorrow –
No, I’m fine. Just did a big burp.
Anyway, the convo went –
“Hello?” slurred, sleepily, sickly.
“I knew you didn’t go out!!”
“Ugh. What do you want?”
“Tom, Nat and Clews all said you were going out tonight.”
Bless their little, beating hearts. They said that to him so I wouldn’t seem pathetic to the stupid asshole.
“No, I went straight to bed.” Sorry guys, undoing all your work.
I just didn’t care how he saw me anymore.
“You know I DID invite you over tonight – ”
“FUCK OFF YOU DID!!!”
“I did! In my own way.”
I could hear Hoffy in the background, glasses and ice clinking, people laughing, the thump thump thump of the music.
“So what time will you be back from the coast tomorrow?” he asked. I love how he assumes I go to the coast every weekend.
I guess I kinda do! But I love that he knows my routine, when I don’t even know it. It made my heart soften toward him.
Damn it.
“Not sure,” was all I replied.
“You should come over tomorrow night and stay.”
I couldn’t believe it. I was mad! Cause I had plans with Matt already, and our night together was supposed to have been tonight.
“I CAN’T, you moron – ”
“Why not?”
“Because I have plans! Just like I was SUPPOSED to have had plans with you tonight!”
“Who with?”
“What?”
“Who do you have plans with tomorrow night?”
I sighed. “Matt, from work.”
“Oh.” Pause. Throat clear. “Where are you going?”
“Movies. Dinner. He might come down the coast for my surf lesson with Lachie and Melinda…”
“Oh.”
Silence.
Then, “Well, you can come over to mine during the week then – ”
“You think that’s it then?? It’s ALL okay then???”
“Ah, YEAH.” His smartassed tone had emerged. Gone was the kind, boyfriend-like voice I love, and here was the asshole I HATE!!!
“No, IT’S NOT OKAY, Evvy! I’m pissed with you. I made plans with you, FOR TONIGHT, and you BLEW ME OFF for your mates WITHOUT A CARE for me – ”
“Hey, I was great ALL WEEK – ”
“Yeah, but you FUCKED UP TONIGHT – ”
“I know. I know I did.” He sounded defeated. My heart broke for him. I don’t want him defeated. I want him happy!!! “Call me tomorrow if your plans fall through – ”
I hung up on him.
I don’t get him!!
Chapter 12
NOW HE WALKS ME OUT??!!
(WALK ME OUT SCENARIO PART 3)
Monday 9 October 2000
7.35am
Yesterday was such a full on day, but I had THE BEST DAY!!!!
I had my first surf lesson, with Lachie and Melinda, then I met Matt at the movies and we saw ‘How Stella Got Her Groove Back.’
(fucking LOVED that movie, and the music in it)
With Lachie and Melinda, the best time I’ve had in ages.
We laughed non-stop, I fell off the surfboard constantly, we laughed some more!! It felt so fucking great to have people to go to the coast with!! To frolic with, in the surf!!!
Best feeling ever.
Things were a little awkward between Matt and I last night. But he was fucked from Fire Brigade all day
(yes, he’s a volunteer fire fighter, how fucking hot is that!!!),
and I was fucked from surfing, so we were both a bit subdued and quiet all night.
Better get to work, will write tonight!!
8.55pm
Heartbroken is a good word for right now.
I just got home from Evvy’s. He said all this stuff.
I guess I’m glad I know, but I’m just devastated.
He started off, just outright with it, telling me him, Mark and Josie have a bet going, that Mark and Josie reckon I’ll stop wearing all the pink soon, and (get this!!!) for Evvy!!!
Get. Fucking. Real!!!
Evvy bet back that I wouldn’t.
(at least he got something right)
I was speechless just at that, but he kept going…
He said they all got to talking, and they couldn’t believe how much I love pink, and that Mark and Josie asked him if I wasn’t ‘so pink’ would he be more serious about me, and Evvy replied to them YES
I almost died. It’s like attacking who I am, deep down inside. My guts dropped straight out of me at his words.
(and guess what, Mark and Josie, MY GUTS ARE PINK)
All I could splutter out to him was, “WHAT???!!!”
“That’s mainly the reason we’re not serious. Because of the pink.” He said it like I should just KNOW this, like matter-of-factly.
Let me tell you, that is when I lost my PINK SHIT.
Pink steam came out of my ears.
“That’s such a FUCKING COP OUT,” I started. “For FOUR MONTHS, I’ve been telling you how I feel, and wanting us together, and you’ve never ONCE SAID that’s the reason!! Not once!!”
Ever, the fucker, shrugged. “I had to get it off my chest.”
I tell ya, I was both steaming mad and ready to cry.
“I don’t believe you,” I managed, amidst rage and tears. “That’s WHO I AM, ASSHOLE!!! You can’t just come out with you can’t stand all the pink!”
I was livid. He saw I
was livid and tried to change tacts.
“I can live with it,” he said, trying to calm me down.
I was too far gone by then. The Pink Train had gone CHOO CHOO, and had left the pink platform for Pink Crazy Town.
“I don’t WANT YOU TO LIVE WITH IT, to PUT UP with it! Pink is ME. You should accept that as part of me – ”
“I do, I do – ”
“No you FUCKING DON’T! You’ve got a bet going, I’m just SOME BET – ”
“No, no you’re not! Look, I’m sorry, I never should have said – ”
I just kept repeating from that point on, “I can’t believe that’s the reason we’re not together.”
I think I was in some kind of shock.
I went to leave, and he kept saying he was sorry, but I wasn’t accepting any apologies. I was devastated.
I feel fucking crushed!!
I kept saying to him, how did you expect me to react???
I can’t remember what else was said. I’m in a fog of shock!
But he did look sorry, almost sick over how much he’d hurt me, but still. It’s not enough.
Will anything ever be enough after that??
He said he was sorry, a lot, and that he will learn to live with it, and I was all, “I don’t want you to learn to live with it!! I want you to realise it’s who I am, that without pink I wouldn’t be me! I’ve been like this since I was BORN!!”
I was hysterical.
I jumped to the next rational conclusion –
(amazed I could even BE rational, in any way)
Ever doesn’t want to be with me, that this is just some bullshit excuse, an easy way to blame me then happily walk away, then he was grabbing me after I said all that, in torment, practically screeching at me that he does, he wants to fucking be with me!!
That just made me hurt more, want to cry more.
THEN, he said he does AND DOESN’T want to be with me.
And that last remaining shred of my heart cracked, and I told him, as he gripped me to him, “I don’t want to be with a guy who only HALF wants to fucking be with me. Who doesn’t accept me for me!”
He went right back to his normal fallback argument. “You’ve known FROM THE BEGINNING – ”
“Oh, FUCK THE FUCKING BEGINNING!!!” I screeched.
“ – that I didn’t want to be with you!!”
“I can’t BELIEVE YOU. The guy I’m sleeping with, that you could SAY ALL THIS!!!”
The look he gave me then. Defiant, pissed off WITH ME, like I’ve done something!!!, worried, too, for me, hurt…ugh. It does my head in.
I don’t want this fucking drama constantly. I just wanna be madly in love and content.
And RELAXED.
“You don’t realise how fucking lucky you are, Everard!! That all the other guys LOVE this about me! That I’m PINK. And YOU, the one I’m actually sleeping with, should be the one that feels that way!!”
And I stormed out.
Evvy came after me, but said nothing. Just followed me out, all the way to my car, IN HIS PRECIOUS SOCKS, like some kind of sick joke, since how many fights have we had over him NOT following me out?? Now here he is doing it, like some kind of fucked up moral support after all he said to me!! Like following me out to my car is gonna make up for all he said.
Ever just watched me go from the curb.
I purposely did THE BIGGEST BURNOUT and roar off EVER, tyres squealing and burning, just to piss him off, and cause it just felt so good to burn off like that.
(take that, Everard!! Watch me burn eighty dollars of my own money and fuel, how do you like that???)
I made damn sure I did not let those tears fall in front of him. I wasn’t going to give him the satisfaction.
Soon as I was out of sight, the tears flowed. I took great, big, sobbing gulps of air and saltiness.
I came home and went straight for the phone in the hallway and rang Dad. Didn’t tell him anything. I just knew the sound of his voice would cheer me up.
He’s like my comfort.
(when he’s loving me)
I listened to him talk about his beloved boat, work, and that, for some reason
(maybe the silent tears streaming down my face),
made me think of how Dad always carries a hanky on him.
(the fact he has always called them ‘hankies’ too, and not hankerchiefs, is endearing and comforting to me too)
When he’s at work, he has one in his trouser pocket. On weekends, one in his faded, blue dad jeans.
He has such hairy knuckles, my father, and for some odd reason, thinking of them now as I listened to him talk, made my heart hurt. Like I was losing my father too, the older I get…
Or would, one day. The thought was crushing.
His hairy knuckles are ALWAYS bleeding, too, like EVERY DAY, EVERY TIME I see him, he’s always pulling his hanky out, and pressing it to his bleeding hands.
I can’t quite figure out if he’s just rather clumsy and accident prone
(like father, like daughter)
or if he just works with his hands a lot.
(he is always making and fixing lights and electrical components, or working on his boat)
I love those hairy knuckles of Dad’s…he’s a gentle man. A happy man. He’s my comfort.
Then Dad put his girlfriend on.
Not so much of a comfort. More like a full-frontal slap of judgement in my face.
I hung up, trudged to my room, Cleo bouncing at my feet, wondering where Nat and Dan were –
And where have all the hankies gone?? Nobody uses them anymore!!
Except Dad.
Tuesday 10 October 2000
7.35am
Still so upset. Fucking bastard.
8.40pm
WELL – Evvy rings me at work, about 4.30pm. I was surprised, I really thought that was it this time, I’d never hear from him again. And he asked me to come over so we could talk.
Another mega surprise.
I replied, “I don’t know…is it good or bad?? I can’t take anymore bad.”
And he said, “Good.”
I said, “Alright.”
(glutton for fucking punishment, I am)
I could tell I sounded upset still, and that HE KNEW I was upset still, and was therefore treading lightly around the damaged person.
So I drove over there, straight from work, wondering what the fuck I was doing, driving straight back there a day after all the shit that went down.
I walked into his room, reluctantly, and dumped my bag down in a sarcastic, “Here we go again and I hate this” mode.
(not sure how I managed to convey all that with a bag drop and a look, but I did, and Ever caught it and grinned at my dramatics. He fucking LOVES my dramatics, I swear)
He was all he’s sorry for saying all that, that it all came out wrong. That he’s had a chance to think about things, and he wants us together.
For awhile, as he kept talking, I thought he meant he wants us to be together as it has always been, but the more he spoke, the more it sunk in he meant PROPERLY.
I almost died. That was the LAST THING I was expecting.
“Wait, wait…WHAT??” was me.
“I’ve been thinking of it for awhile now. I WANT to be with you,” he said.
“WHAT?? What are you saying??” Me so confused by this point.
“What else can I say?? I know I’ll lose you if it stays as it has been. I want us together.”
I stepped out of his grasp. “Hang on a minute here. I want you to say it on your own, not because you’re afraid of losing me!!”
“I’ve been thinking of it for awhile, since Stardust actually – ”
(aha!! I knew it!! I knew he had changed after that night!! The magical powers of a Gold Coast dive…working its magic since 1960 and prostitutes took men to The Pink Poodle Motel and brothel. I’m like a pink prostitute)
“ – why do you think I’ve been trying so hard lately?”
(not sure he’s tried THAT HARD,
but whatever. Whatever helps him sleep at night)
We kept talking, me hedging, me not believing him AT ALL.
“I’ll just have to show you,” Ever said.
“But what do you think a relationship INVOLVES, Evvy?”
“I realise now that you don’t ask for much, you’re happy with surprisingly little – ”
(???? Not sure how to take this. For now, I choose to take it as a compliment, and not something fatally worrying about myself)
“ – us being together wouldn’t be much different to how it is now, except that I need to be more loving in public, amongst others – ”
He kept telling me he does want us together, over and over again. I didn’t know what to do or say. I couldn’t even sit on the bed. I just kept pacing around and jumping out of his reach every time he came near me.
I’d love nothing more than to relax with him, and settle down. Just RELAX.
When we’re together, just us
(when he’s being loving),
I’m normally so content with him. It’s away from him that’s stressful, all the worry about him, when am I going to see him again, does he care, all the running around with other guys.
It’s very stressful!!
I’d love to just stop, relax, be with him, and be secure with him.
That’s the thing though – it’s never secure with him.
Shampoo Page 21
