“I would, if I could, but technically we’re not even going out.”
“You’re too good for him, you know that – ”
“Clearly I don’t, or I wouldn’t be begging my baby sister to drive me to the bottle-o so I can get plastered in the hopes of making this pain go away.”
“SIGH.”
(my sister sighs A LOT. Especially in my presence)
“You’ve gone through much worse than this. You can get over this fucker.”
I wanted to cry then. My heart felt like it was absolutely RIPPING. I closed my eyes and willed the pain to stop.
“I just want you TO STOP DRINKING,” she continued.
“You can talk, Cadbury.”
“You’re gonna get sicker – ”
“No, I won’t – ”
“You get DEATHLY SICK, EVERY TIME you drink – ”
“What!! No I don’t – ”
“Yes you do!! Cool it on the drinking.”
“Okay, Mary Street, The Victory will close when you do.”
Nat suddenly laughed. “Did you just call yourself The Victory?”
I got suddenly sulky. “I couldn’t think of any other clubs.”
“Why the hell not?? You frequent ALL OF THEM. While spreading your germs.” A pause. “I’d rather be Mary Street than The Vic any day.”
“You know, for an Irish twin of mine, you’re really rather annoying.”
“See I don’t know what you’re talking about now – ”
“Never mind.”
“You been – ” Nat mimed the universal gesture for drinking “ – GLUG GLUG GLUGGING the cough syrup again?”
“Yes, but it wasn’t enough to dull the pain. Or my ears, from listening to this.”
“Is an Irish twin some reference to Bailey’s or something?”
“UGH. NEVER. MIND.”
“I seriously don’t know what it is!”
“Is this what Dan has to put up with?”
“YES. Cause he’s AS BAD AS YOU.”
Ten PAINFUL minutes of a drive later, I had a precious bottle of pink champagne.
God, Nat is particularly annoying tonight. Her face is all ‘I AM PISSED OFF, DO NOT SPEAK TO ME TONIGHT,’ and she’s seriously in her scary mood.
I am staying away!
So I’ve been drinking.
(far away from my Irish twin)
I rang Nick back, who has rung every day this week, and now I feel much better.
I have my self-confidence back, thanks to booze and a guy showing me interest.
Then I made pizza
(okay, I removed a frozen one from the freezer, unwrapped it, and stuck it in the oven),
and Tom rang, and I heard Dan reply to him: “Nah, he rang her, and kinda blew her off, cause she’s sick…”
I slammed the oven door and stared at him. Hello!! I’m right here!!!
“Kerry, Tom wants to speak to you!”
I trudged over. “Hey Tom.”
“Hey, baby girl. How are ya?”
“Good good good – ”
(enough goods and it’ll be true)
“I hear you’re sick again?”
“Yeah well, shit happens – ”
“You need a man to take care of you.”
“That I do!”
A pause. I could hear ice clinking. I can just picture Tom sitting there all coolly and confidently, sipping a scotch on the rocks. “Why do you put up with it?”
I knew what he meant. Who he meant. I sighed. “I fell for him ages ago, dude. I can’t get over it.”
Tom seemed to have a coronary. Or he was choking on his Jameson scotch. He started spluttering everywhere. “WHAT?? What what what what WHAT – ”
(like anyone could fall for Evvy)
“I fell for him – ”
“I heard you, I just can’t believe it.” He made another spluttering sound, then an “Oh shit!” like he’d spilled his James Bond drink, then said, “Have you ever told Ever this?”
“God, yeah. Like all the time!”
“I’m gonna have a talk with that boy.”
(I love Tom!!!!)
“I love you Tom, but it’s okay. It won’t help.”
“Trust me, he listens to me.”
I shrugged, not wanting to feel hope regarding Ever anymore. I clicked my fingers at Dan hovering in the kitchen, eavesdropping, and copied my sister’s mime of an hour ago - hand and head tilting back, miming drinking. He rolled his eyes, stomped over to the ironing board where my glass was fizzing prettily, and brought it to me, saying, “You snapped, my lady?” sarcastically.
“I’m going to get Evvy and everyone down the coast on Sunday. He’ll be FORCED to have you with his friends and himself.”
I wonder if he can pull it off. If anyone can, it’s Tom.
I mean, how sweet is Tom for even caring?? Or wanting us together??
Mark rang last night too, and when I answered he asked about Evvy and I. It’s like all his friends want Evvy to be with me. Why can’t he????
12.22am
Ever rang about 9pm, and asked if I was coming over!!!!
I may have actually pulled my hair out then. I have a clump missing.
I felt like screaming at him. But I remained calm
(probably because I’m half sloshed)
and said, “No my dear, sweet Everard, I am not.”
“You’re drunk, aren’t you?”
“Wee bit.”
“I’ll come over then.”
Now, see, I WOULD HAVE wanted him to, at 4, 5, 6, 7pm, but by 9 I was drunk, sick and tired.
So I replied, “I’m pissed with you. Don’t bother.”
“I’ll call you back. Hoffy’s with me.”
Dial tone.
I trudged back to bed.
10pm: He rings again. “Pinky’s House of Pain.”
“Ain’t that the truth.”
“Yes Evvy?”
“I did ask you to come over tonight.”
“Pig’s bum you did.”
“I definitely WANTED you over.”
“But you didn’t say that!”
“Well, I did in my own way – ”
“You don’t listen to a word I say – ”
He got really angry then, and I mean MAD, and started yelling at me. “Why do you ALWAYS DWELL ON EVERYTHING!!! Every time I FUCKING CALL, you RIP IT INTO ME!”
“Cause you’re NOT DOING WHAT YOU SAID YOU WOULD!!”
“YES I FUCKING AM!”
“No, YOU’RE NOT – ”
He just continued to flip, like fully flip. The asshole.
It wasn’t sexy then. It was just wrong.
He then said, “Fuck you!” and hung up.
I can’t believe he said those words. Those are my (new) no go words.
It’s all downhill from when the ‘fuck you’s’ start. Nothing good comes from then on.
I was devastated.
Now I’m just angry.
Fuck him right back!!!
Chapter 14
MOMENTS LIKE THAT
Sunday 29 October 2000
3.22pm
Well let’s just say Saturday I woke up with a SLIGHT (little bit) of a hangover.
Before the whole Evvy calling incident, Dan jumped into bed with me again with a bottle of Martini, and we drank that motherfucker while chatting for two hours.
I do love Dan and I’s little moments. They’re fun.
So Saturday I woke up half dead, and decided to meet Nat and Dan down at Forest Lake
(avoiding The Asshole’s house on the way there),
where Nat’s latest sporting craze
(she’s had a few, old Sporty Spice Nat)
is kayaking. I laid on a picnic rug, wondering if death was imminent, while Nat and Dan kayaked.
Then I came home and slept. I was so tired and depressed. So upset over Evvy.
Nat woke me up to go to the school fete at the end of our street and OH MY GOD, I got the best Barbie car.
Had to fight a soccer mum for it, and her three little shits, but whatever, I was the victor!
Except when I got to the counter to pay for it, the lady said, “That’ll be one dollar, thanks,” and I had to turn to my sister and say, “You got a dollar, sis?”
(Nat just sighed and huffed heavily)
As I got home, Evvy rang. I couldn’t believe it. Straight out he goes, “Tom and I are thinking of going to get a steak, do you want to come?” all monosyl.
Like Tom was FORCING him to ask me.
Before I could even answer, he continued. “If we don’t go to dinner, I’m going to Mark and Josie’s later, do you want to go?”
“Ah, ummmmm…” I was speechless.
First, he’d treated me like shit, second, he had just FINALLY asked me to do something with him and his mates. After much bantering around, it was decided I would go to his, and we’d go on to Josie’s together.
So soon as I got there yesterday arvo and entered his man cave, I was all, “Are you even going to apologize for what you said to me?”
I SO was not letting him get away with it.
“No,” he replied stubbornly.
Off to a great start.
“I’ve been so fucking good, Karina – ”
“You haven’t been THAT good!”
Oh my God. I seriously don’t even want to go into it all. I was ill, pissed with him, hating on him, and he was anything but loving, so I just walked out
(and no, he DIDN’T walk me out to my car. Walk Me Out Round Fucking Four Hundred),
didn’t go to Mark and Josie’s.
One thing he did say
(of importance, or that I can even be bothered relaying in here)
was, “After last Sunday night’s talk, I thought we were in a relationship.”
I just rolled my eyes and said, “I must have missed that fucking memo, cause the last I heard, you did AND DIDN’T want to be with me!”
Today I’ve watched Nat kayak along the river at Goodna while Dan and I lazed on the bank.
Monday 30 October 2000
7.33am
Feel awful but going to work. Finishing at 2.30pm though.
I hope Evvy calls.
7.00pm
I hate Evvy.
THIS IS IT, and I mean it this time.
I rang Evvy at 4.35pm
(our ‘special time’)
and he was SO motherfucking uninterested in me, I wanted to scream (and did).
I was asking how he was, blah blah, all about him, and he just answered in yes or no replies or DIDN’T EVEN BOTHER TO REPLY AT ALL.
I finally cried, “Say something!”
He replied, “I’ve got nothing to say.”
How hard is it to ask how I am?? To care??
Apparently very hard.
He THEN SAID: “Please don’t call me every day.”
And that’s when I
(lost my shit)
screamed, “FINE!! HOW ABOUT I NEVER CALL YOU AGAIN!!!” and I slammed that fucking phone down into it’s motherfucking cradle.
(swearing helps. A lot)
Then Nick rang.
Dan was home during the Ever the Fucker phone call, and I was all, “That’s it! I’m spending his birthday money on myself! No way am I going on his stupid fucking party bus the way he is!!”
Dan was all, “I’ll believe it when I see it.”
It’s so over. He cannot be a boyfriend or loving.
Tuesday 31 October 2000
5.19pm
I went to the doctors yesterday arvo straight from work, she told me to take today off.
So I’ve just been laying about in bed, starving, hoping some mythical creature will appear and feed me.
Where the fuck is my sister’s boyfriend when I need him???
Been devastated over that fucker.
(Evvy, not my sister’s boyfriend)
But then…as I’m checking my pink clock on the nightstand, I saw the 4.28 flash and my heart dropped. I knew he was about to ring.
I could feel it!!!
4.30pm clocked over, and I paused ‘Beverly Hills 90210’ and waited…
And the phone rang!! I raced to it. “Hello??”
“Are you still going on the party bus?”
Ha. Dan’s mouth strikes again. Like an open-wide anaconda’s mouth.
“I don’t know.”
“Well, I need to know numbers, so you need to decide.”
“Why should I even BOTHER going – ”
“Cause you ended it last night??”
“Me?? How about YOU and your behaviour? How you treated me AGAIN – ”
“I didn’t treat you in any way – ”
“BULLSHIT you didn’t!!”
“I didn’t mean it how it came out – ”
“Oh, there’s another way to take ‘Don’t call me every day?’”
“I meant it like, let ME make the effort, let ME call YOU – ”
“Oh you’re so full of shit, Everard – ”
And then we just had a yelling match over the phone at each other. No clear winner. We’re both losers in this.
I started crying. It was heartbreaking. I started like trying to talk, while I’m sobbing and spluttering, and that was it, argument was over. Ever interrupted my hysterical speech and practically growled, “I don’t want to lose you.”
That did it. That floored me. Argument was so over then!!!
My heart SHATTERED.
“We should start over Karina,” he continued. “I’ll try harder. It won’t be a once a week fuck.”
“Won’t it?” I whispered, brushing tears away. My fingertips came away drenched. I was fully sobbing.
“No, it won’t,” he argued, in his sexy, sexy ‘I care’ voice.
(that I fucking love)
“I won’t let it anymore.” Pause, the air thick between us. “Tom told me what you said. About me.”
I remained quiet.
(except for the sniffles)
“I’ve just never had to do it before, you know, I’m struggling with it.”
“That’s the problem, Ever,” I said. “It shouldn’t BE a struggle. It should be easy. And fun. Not like this.”
“But it IS fun with you, woman. That’s the thing. When we’re not arguing, you’re the most fun I’ve ever fucking had.”
That’s when my heart OFFICIALLY shattered. It just laid down on the floor, broken, and died a hard death. I followed suit, laying my head down on the hall floor. I was broken.
“All the guys LOVE you, cause you’re SO MUCH FUCKING FUN, you’re not like other girls. You’re like a guy.” Pause. “EXCEPT for this crap.”
“You’d hear this from ANY girl, Everard – ”
“I know. Trust me, I KNOW. But you’re not any girl.”
“So you expect better of me?”
He laughed. “Yeah. Kind of. Just stay YOU. You are PHENOMENAL as you. You are…a LIGHT. A shining, FUCKING FUN, so fucking sweet, light. THAT’S who I…care about. A lot.”
I cried harder. He was right -
(I am phenomenal!!)
I’m starting to lose myself in this not-relationship. I don’t want to BE this person. I’m NOT a nag. I’m a free spirit.
(out of my way, I’m a free spirit)
But I don’t want to be taken advantage of either, and not get what I want.
“Don’t cry,” he gruffed out. “I can’t bear when you cry.” Pause, as I tried to reign it in. “Hope you’re staying home tomorrow, you sound awful.”
“No, I’m going to work – ”
“What!! You NEED to take care of yourself. You get sick very easily – ”
“I love when you’re like this, Ever,” I said softly.
“I know.”
“Gives me goosebumps.”
“I’d like to give you more goosebumps. In person.”
I started spluttering.
“You’re a mess, woman.”
“I want YOU to be a mess, Everard. Over me.”
And that is why I keep hanging on to him. Moments like that.
Chapter 15
WET AND WILD
(I KNOW WHO YOUR NEXT BOYFRIEND SHOULD BE)
Saturday 4 November 2000
6.02pm
Ever called ALL WEEK at work, dead on 4.30pm.
And he sounded loving AGAI N!!
What is going on.
He pretended to be Stefan on one of the phone calls, doing a near-perfect imitation of Stefan. I burst into laughter, cause I knew it was him, plus we don’t stock Stefan.
(Stefan stocks Stefan)
So all those phone calls made me so happy I went straight from work to Indro Thursday, and bought his birthday present.
A Jag watch for $400.
Now I feel pretty stupid for spending that much money, cause now he hasn’t called in two days!!
I’m trying to stay cool, STAY ME, but I’m hurt already that I haven’t heard from him in 2 days.
I just don’t want to care anymore. I just don’t want to feel!!
Work was busy Friday. Julia was eating this banana and turning it into the most comical thing ever. Pretending to give it a blow job and making these sensual noises. Was so fucking funny.
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