He searched my eyes intently then. “Did someone do anything for you like this for your twenty-first?”
He knew the answer, already, I could tell. Nat and Dan had already told him. “No,” I managed to choke out, a sob threatening to instantly emerge
(from where??? Deep down within my emotional issues, deep inside me?? Fuck off, sobs)
and make its appearance.
(I was too busy getting my head bashed in on my 21st. That’s what I got for my 21st birthday)
The memory
(all that blood)
threatened to floor me all of a sudden.
“No one has ever done anything this special for me,” Ever said softly, reaching out and cupping my face. I held his hand to my cheek. God, it’s these tender moments that shatter my heart the most. That hurt me the most. That I need to go and crawl away into a hole and try to recover from. “Why is it YOU? Why is it YOU that does these things?” he growled. “The one that’s gone through the most, the one that’s been hurt the most. How can it be you that does all the damn sweet, loving things?”
He’s never talked like that before. He rarely compliments me, let alone gets to the heart of things. I went to cry, and he was all choked up himself. He kissed me then, like he’s never kissed me before. He started stripping all the clothes off me while he kissed me, and threw us backwards onto the bed.
He made the sweetest love to me then.
“Wait, I’ve gotta put my watch on,” he announced during it, quickly putting it on before getting back to it (me).
Afterwards, he took off my old Barbie watch, and strapped my new one in place. I don’t know why, but that was just damn sexy.
“Can’t believe how good you got me, woman.”
I laughed. “Always underestimating me, Everard!”
He draped himself over me, dragged his hands over my face tenderly.
(oh, God)
“Never,” he said softly against my mouth. “I don’t underestimate you anymore.”
Bestill my heart.
The phone in his room rang then, and he leaned across me to answer it. His grandparents ringing to wish him a happy birthday, and, GET THIS, he told them about me!!!!!
I just about died of shock.
“I’ve got a girl now, Nan,” he said, and continued to talk about me.
My heart swelled, shattered, grew, did some damn thing that was a combination of pain and joyful hope. Hope grew.
Maybe he can really do this.
Maybe WE can really do this.
Saturday 11 November 2000
9.56am
Evvy’s Party Bus tonight!!! I’m excited.
After how he acted Wednesday night, I’m hopeful he will act like a boyfriend.
I’ve been so happy this week. Everything feels so fine and dandy!!! And hopeful and joyful.
Monday 13 November 2000
12.59am
Did I really say everything was fine and dandy???
Yeah, well. I’m full of crap.
No, everything else is fine. Just not my love life.
BUT WHAT ELSE IS NEW????
Ever is a bastard. It’s official. Sir Bastard knighted him and made him Sir Bastard Face. Lord of all Bastards.
He EATS bastards for breakfast, just to make himself more of a bastard.
I KNEW something would happen on his stupid party bus.
I want to cry.
I don’t even want to think of him, I don’t want to feel this pain, CAUSED BY HIM.
This is it – never again do I want to feel for a guy ever again.
GUYS SUCK!!! Especially Everard.
So…back to the drawing board.
And the drawing board says NO MORE BOYS!!!!!
It is over (this time), cause I can’t take him, or how it is between us, any longer.
Who was I kidding that he cared?? He doesn’t fucking care.
Although
(and I hate myself so much for that although, like there’s fucking hope, like there’s something to hold on to),
his brother’s girlfriend said all night that Evvy loves me!!!
What. The. Fuck.
He certainly didn’t show it!!! In fact, he acted like he couldn’t stand me the entire night.
So, the nightmare began like this…
I should’ve known the moment he rang in the evening, telling me not to come to his house first
(with my car, so sleeping over),
but to meet him at the servo with everyone else.
That was my first red flag, where I should have just bailed on the whole night.
Would have saved me a lot of pain. May have saved Everard and I.
But let’s backtrack first. Let’s truly set this motherfucking scene, Diary.
My oldest, best friend Tee, I haven’t heard from in months. Not sure why, really…we just drifted apart, and after years of best friendship, we just slipped away from each other.
Sad.
I miss her all the time, though. Like my old friends from TAFE, Steve and Andy and Lisa and Lauren. I always miss them and think of them all the time.
So anyway, we ran into each other at Coles at Cannon Hill on Thursday. So I babysat the kids Friday night, Dad, John and Jenyne not getting home till one in the morning, then I hooned home, rang Tee, cause she finished work at 1am and I’d promised to call her.
We had a great chat till about 2.30am. God, I’ve missed her. We just talk about everything and laugh so much. She’s very maternal, and grown up, but fun. I just love her.
She’s the one that taught me how to put lipstick on and dress nice and get boys.
So then I had to be up at 7am to go surfing with Lachie and Melinda. I drove to their place and Lach drove us down the coast in Melinda’s electric blue Commodore VP.
(Commodores are the sexiest cars ever!!)
I had the best time with them.
Lach is so cheeky and fun. He’s always laughing and joking and mucking around and pranking and being a big kid. I love that about him.
(once, at work, he covered the one toilet we had in the old building in clingwrap, and Daryl Agnew ended up getting his own piss all over himself. Was so damn funny)
He’s also the workplace health and safety officer. Someone fucked up there!!
But he can also go very spiritual and deep and meaningful when he wants to. He has these two sides, but I guess they both come out of this New Agey light he rocks.
Lach is kinda very fascinating to me. I’m very attracted to him, but in a very platonic, fun way. I love hanging out with him.
Melinda is just so carefree and easy going. She laughs at everything.
(screams and laughs at everything)
She’s the typical blonde, fun, easy-going surfer girl. Or girlfriend of a mad surfer.
We laughed and talked and surfed the whole day.
You can’t call what I do surfing, though. More like drowning, falling off the board, getting hit in the eye with the pointy bit of the surfboard…that’s what I do.
But gee it’s fun.
We stopped at a bakery at Kirra, sat around the hood of the car along the beach, looking every bit the beach bums.
God, I love the coast!!! Particularly Kirra…it’s always so bright and blue and beautiful there.
Then we went on to Robina, cause Melinda had a hair appointment there, so Lachie and I window shopped and chatted and had a drink together. Was so nice. I love having friends!! I love male friends, I love female friends…I just love friends!!!
Then we drove back to Brissie, and I went straight from their place to Tee’s at Norman Park.
Made my heart ache a bit actually
(and fill with joy, as we’ve been reunited),
cause Tee and I both lived on Wynnum Road (Tee off Wynnum Road), like a five minute walk from each other. We used to be over at each other’s places all the time.
I miss that.
And that spot is beautiful, overlooking the river and all of Brisbane city.
So I got to Tee’s at 5pm, and it was my fav time of day…the way the sun sets along the water, the way the air feels…
Spectacular.
It was a balmy, summer early evening moment.
She always greets me dressed in her 1950’s vintage wear
(she only ever shops at op shops…it’s her thing!),
and gives me a peck on the cheek and exclaims, “You look so pretty!!” in her girly voice. She’s very dainty and proper and classy.
And Tee had butterscotch pancakes with cream just cooking for me. My God, delicious!!!
Then we went for a drive in her car, up Wynnum Road, over the Story Bridge and into the Valley.
We laugh so hard when we’re together. I love how on our drives, we crank the stereo and start stupid dancing and then we can’t stop laughing. Our giggles turn into laughs that turn into can’t stop fits.
Tee starts CRYING with laughter, then can’t see where she’s going and her atrocious driving gets even worse, and narrowly avoiding dying in a fiery crash should not be so damn funny.
But it is!!
On the way home, Tee put two dollars petrol in her car and grabbed a bottle of Coke from the servo, and that made my heart just fill with joy.
Years and years of friendship, Tee has been putting in tiny amounts of petrol on our drives and grabbing a bottle of Coke. Then we’d go back to one of our places and drink Coke and chat for ages.
I love how some things just never change.
Old friends. They’re like beautiful mirrors that you can look at and see yourself in.
Or see your old, good self.
(before shit went down)
Still buried under there somewhere.
So I got home from Tee’s after 7pm, and that’s when Evvy rang saying, “Meet me at the servo with everyone else, okay?” and me barely having the time to reply “Okay,” in a very worried and timid manner before he had hung up.
That was a GIANT RED FLAG THERE AND I SHOULDN’T HAVE FUCKING GONE.
(deep breath. Calm down. It’s just your fucking heart broken. Again. No biggie)
It was a dark and balmy summer evening.
(I love books that start with ‘It was a dark and stormy night.’ Unfortunately, it wasn’t that atmospheric)
About 50 twenty year olds were standing around at the servo near the Richlands Drive-In, laughing and rowdy, raring to go.
I wore a Barbie pink dress, very short with no straps, just tight, my hair curled and a glittering, pink hibiscus clip in my hair.
It was like the Universe knew shit was coming straight at me, and it couldn’t
(or wouldn’t)
make Evvy give me a great, fun, romantic night, but it would make sure I looked hot at least.
For the shit storm about to be unleashed on me.
One of the many girls I didn’t know came up to me and exclaimed, “Your skin is GORGEOUS, where do you get the tan from?” and I just stood there, stumped.
(where do you get the tan from?? I don’t understand the question)
Nat quickly retorted, in a ‘no der’ manner, “AHH, THE SUN,” then pulled a ‘Duh, I’m a bit special’ face
(that she does so well!!!),
while everyone cracked up laughing.
The girl stood there, looking as confused as me.
I felt bad, since she was complimenting me, and said, “Yeah, I was in the sun all day, surfing.”
I sensed him before I saw him. Everyone greeted him, and he’d been watching and listening to our convo, but he didn’t grab me or kiss me.
(did I really expect him to?? Yes I did)
Sigh. It was his 21st though. I wasn’t going to ruin it.
Save my vitriol for later!!!
(oh and I would. Save it all up and then just let it explode and rain down on him)
Some of Evvy’s friends were flirting with me now, asking why am I so brown, and telling me “You’re so damn sexy,”
(stop, stop!!! No don’t stop)
and Evvy just stood there, listening and watching me and not looking impressed at all.
(ha ha!! Suck it, Everard)
So then the party bus arrived to loud cheers, and I hung back, waiting for everyone else to get on.
I was in no rush to board. I was actually kinda dreading it.
I also wanted to see if Everard would grab me or not.
(guess what?? He didn’t. What a shocker there)
So by the time I hopped on the bus behind a group of people I didn’t know, I’d lost Nat and Dan
(my lifelines)
already, and felt a bit lost and defeated.
Why do I fucking try so hard. Why?? This is where it gets me – all the fuck alone.
All I fucking wanted was a loving boyfriend for once. HIM as my boyfriend. Was that too much to ask for???
Yes. Apparently it was.
(but thank you, Universe, for making me look hot)
The Party Bus was actually a luxury one (I’ve been on some really dodgy ones), a glittery coach with plush, high seats, air conditioning and a fully stocked bar.
Did I really expect less from Ever?? He may live in Inala, but he’s busy planning his Donald Trump takeover. He always expects the best and the sleekest.
Should I get my hopes up about that?? He’s with me, so maybe I am pretty darn good then!! Then again, he’s barely with me, embarrassed to be seen with me, therefore I am shit. Not good enough for him.
Now I’m even more bummed.
No good ever comes from self-analysing. Better to be oblivious about one’s self.
As I climbed the coach’s stairs and entered the aisle, I peered over everyone’s shoulders, trying to spot the Scooby Gang.
I saw them all take seats together halfway down the bus, all of them laughing and joking with each other
(Nat slapped Hoffy across the back of his head and called him a loser),
safe and secure in their little group.
I suddenly felt pathetic. Pathetic to trail behind them, trying to be a part of their group, trying to be their friend, trying to be Ever’s girlfriend. Trying to be part of the Scooby Gang.
Pathetic to trail behind Evvy, hoping he’d FOR ONCE acknowledge me.
I didn’t belong there at all.
No way was I going to desperately push through this crowd bottlenecking the aisle, coming through the other side, breathless, looking like I needed my sister and her boyfriend
(or, worse, Evvy),
to get through this evening.
I was quite capable of sitting on my own on a bus full of drunk strangers.
I’m always standing alone. I fucking know how to do it better than anyone.
I was, however, alone for all of five seconds before a guy plopped down next to me.
Turns out he was a friend of Josie’s sister, and he kept me occupied for like half the trip, 30 minutes.
He was so attentive and talkative and focused on me that I forgot I was ‘all on my own’ and had fun.
(really, I could have fun anywhere. Prison, for example)
Now Nat told me later that, despite my absence from the group, my presence was definitely felt. All of them were apparently ‘amazed’ at my ‘ballsiness.’
It started with Dan: “Where’s Kerry?”
(thank you, Dan, for being the first to wonder where the fuck I am)
Nat: “I don’t know, down there somewhere.” She waved, vaguely.
(thanks for the concern about me, Sis!!)
Tom: “You’re her sister!! You should be watching out for her!!”
(God I love Tom. Like really fucking love him)
Nat: “She may look all sweet and vulnerable, but, TRUST ME, she is fine on her own.”
(aww…people think I’m tougher than I am, though. Really I’m this fragile mess in a corner. Hopeless, and beyond hope)
Evvy: “Silence.”
Josie: “That really bothers the Birthday Boy, hey Ever?”
Evvy: “Silence filled with stubborn sil
ence.”
(he’s so fucking stubborn and annoying. I respect it, but it’s annoying. Don’t want to respect the fucker)
Josie: “He hates – AND LOVES – how independent she is. How she can just wander off and still be all happy and fun and pink. Really GETS TO HIM – ”
(ha ha. Hahahahaha. Did not know this but will now forever more use it against him)
Tom: “REALLY gets to him.”
Evvy: “Silence.”
Josie: “He loves it!! He LOVES how it gets to him – ”
Evvy: “Silence.”
Nat: “Karina can make friends with anyone.”
Josie: “EVERYONE loves her. She’s just got this THING about her – ”
Tom: “THAT bothers him too – ”
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