I want kisses, good morning, a touch on the head, FUCKING ANYTHING!!!
But then when he left, I was back in bed, and he came in and kissed me full on the lips, and said, “Call me.”
“No, you call me, Everard.”
“You can come over tonight if you want. Considering I’ve come here the past two nights.”
Putting it like THAT, he has tried, I guess.
Just doesn’t feel like enough.
Monday 20 November 2000
7.35am
I am so tired.
So yesterday after Evvy left, I slept for a few hours, then arrived at his at 5.30pm.
Now, I don’t know whether the boys told him about Richard, or if Ever was just in one of his asshole moods. But he was punishing me for something.
(I’m so over guys punishing me for being who I am. I just want a guy to fucking love me)
He would not cuddle me, kiss me, let me touch him or talk to me in any way. He wouldn’t even respond to me.
Worse, I gave it TWO HOURS before I stormed out.
I am SO MAD. I can’t take it anymore.
It’s like dating a diva. I’m trying to date Bette Midler.
7.17pm
Ever rang me at work. He didn’t say much though, and neither did I.
Sigh.
Tuesday 21 November 2000
9.30pm
Just got back from Tee’s. Had the best time.
Worked 6.30am till 5pm, then went straight to Tee’s for a beautiful, home cooked meal.
(she’s gonna make someone a great wife some day!! Me!!)
She also made up a plate of leftovers for lunch tomorrow.
I love her!!!
She never lets my glass go empty – she’s a true hostess, like back in the day, when it used to mean so much.
Ever rang me at work today and was all, “Can you come over tomorrow? I’m going to my sister’s tonight.”
And I was all, “I can’t. Dad and Cruz are coming over for dinner.”
“What about Thursday?”
“I can’t then either, I’ve got a course all night after work.”
(enough with the bloody courses, work!!!)
“So Friday then?”
(I was taking pleasure now, especially after how he treated me Sunday night at his place. And after the party bus. And after, well, EVERYTHING. The motherfucker)
“I can’t, I’m going to Belmont Tavern for Richard’s opening night.”
“Sigh. Oh,” he replied, sounding really wounded.
Which made me SO HAPPY!!!!!!
I mean, I was upset I couldn’t see him all week, but happy he was annoyed and dejected. It’s a healthy relationship we have!!
(what relationship???)
If I have to go another week with no sex, I think I will surely die.
Graham, Rich and Nick all rang me today.
I have them all, hey??
Except the one I really want.
Thursday 23 November 2000
9.00pm
Just got home from work. Ugh. I hate the days it feels like I practically live there.
Yesterday at work was average. Then Dad and Cruz came over for dinner.
I feel like lately I hide everything from them. They don’t even know about Evvy. They don’t know what I do all weekend. They don’t really see who I am even. They just have this weird, preconceived notion of me.
(I’m emotional, I’m unstable, etc.)
I used to have such fun with Dad. Now I just feel a bit judged, by Cruz especially. But even by Dad.
It’s weird. Don’t know how to explain it.
But it hurts, in my heart. Feels like I’ve lost my father. And for what reason?? Cause his girlfriend sees the worst in me only? My own father should not be so easily lost to me.
I was so tired at work today, I didn’t think I would make it. But I did. Barely.
Benny helped me through. He helped me survive it!
Renee had hired all these school-like tables for the course downstairs in the salon, so Benny and I pushed ours together till they were touching, then sat really close together, shoulder to shoulder, drawing weird and funny pics and writing notes to each other. We kept whispering and giggling all night together.
Lachlan and Quinten and Paul were a couple of rows behind us, and kept throwing paper aeroplanes at us. Every time I turned around, they were all raising their eyebrows at me and pointing to Benny, like, “Hello?? What is this with you and Benny?”
God, Lachie looked so funny. He pulls the funniest facial expressions. He’s missed his calling as an actor.
(I almost wrote actress, ahahahaha)
The course was about some New Agey, Karen-the-boss’s-wife usual self-awareness crap, that we’ve been to a million of by now. And the lady/hippy running it at one stage pointed to me and said, “Pinky, how’s your love life?”
(how did she know my name???)
I immediately responded, “I don’t understand the question,” and I couldn’t even finish the sentence without spluttering laughter everywhere, Benny joining in, us laughing over each other. Was so funny. We couldn’t stop. Lachlan joined in, cause all it takes for him to piss himself is others around him laughing hysterically.
Nat, three seats over, just rolled her eyes and shook her head at me, and Karen, sweet, never angry, always joyous and positive, beams positive light onto everybody, looked at me like she was bitterly disappointed in me.
(how about you feed me then, after working 11 hours with no break, then make me sit through this shit for almost four hours?? I might respond better to it)
“If you don’t understand the question, your love life is in need of some DIRE examining,” the hippy replied tightly.
That sure shut me up. Cause she’s right.
Nobody likes a class clown.
Saturday 25 November 2000
12.14am
I’ve had such a great night!! So great I’m a bit confused…cause I had too good a time with Matt, and feel VERY ATTRACTED to him.
Evvy rang me at work today
(Friday…haven’t gone to bed yet),
and just said he’d call tomorrow.
That was it.
So on the phone, I was all, “Why don’t we make plans NOW, for tomorrow?”
“Cause I don’t know what I’m doing yet.”
(in your hesitation I found my answer)
“But if you don’t make plans with me now, I’ll just make plans with someone else, then we won’t get to see each other AGAIN – ”
“Fine by me. Go for it.”
I hung up on the asshole. I’m over it.
So tonight I’ve had that vibe from Matt that I had at his twenty-first – that I KNOW we will end up together. It’s almost spooky. Just knowing something like that and just sitting back, all chill, waiting for it to unfold before your very eyes.
That night we went to the movies though…he was very closed off. I felt nothing from him that night. He seems to have this way of closing himself off when he wants to, and backing away from me.
It’s like he has to think things though, FOR LIKE A FUCKING YEAR. But then once he’s in, he’s all in.
Tonight…there was fireworks between us. Small ones, set at a simmer, but they were there.
4.18pm
I’m down the coast, on the beach at Labrador, near Stardust.
Kinda hurts my heart, looking at Stardust. Such high hopes after that magical night together, and now look at Ever and I. Worse than we’ve ever fucking been.
It’s heaven here, the sun beginning to go down in the sky. Love afternoons on the coast.
I can’t wait for my holidays. This is all that I’m gonna do. Just stay down here.
So last night was so fun.
Matt finished work in the early arvo; Melissa’s boyfriend
(the anchovy darer)
Nathan came into work at 5pm, so I drove Nat, Melissa and Nathan to Matt’s, picked him up…
And I got a tingle as soon a
s I spotted him emerge from his house and come down his driveway. He squished in the back between Melissa and Nathan.
We had so much fun just driving from Matt’s to the Belmont Tavern near Rich’s place. I kept hooning it, and roaring off at the lights, making Matt and Nath crack up and Nat and Melissa scream and squeal.
It was the grand opening of the place, and Richard’s first night working there behind the bar. He’d asked me to go, so I’d organized a group of us, to have a big night out there, and watch Rich do his bartending magic!!
(Little Jon, Benny, Joy, Paul and his girlfriend met us there)
Except we could barely get into the place, couldn’t even get to the bar or to Rich, it was so crazy packed and rocking!!
There were no tables left for food, we could barely move or hear each other, and we couldn’t get food or drink!
I waved and gestured to Rich that we were going, and he looked seriously pissed off with me!!
So all of us piled into three cars and came back to our place!
(except Benny!! Benny pissed off, disappeared somewhere, roaring off in his VS Series II ute. Probably to go smoke some pot! I was really disappointed. Everything is more fun with Benny there)
We all just drank, talked, played Playstation. Was so much frickin’ fun.
Matt and I got to have a nice talk, side by side on the couch, which was SO NICE!!!
(I really dig Matt. Like already)
We sat drinking together, laughing and talking all night.
The others left eventually, but Matt stayed on the couch and I drove him home this morning.
For some reason, that felt so nice and right, driving him back to his place, like I was his girlfriend.
I felt it, I felt a future. It’s like I just KNOW.
For the first time in a very long time, I didn’t want to see a guy leave. I didn’t want Matt to leave me. I wanted to spend the day together. I wanted to BE with him.
Lately Evvy just pisses me off, and I’m relieved to see the back end of him, AS HE LEAVES. I breathe a sigh of relief and relax finally.
With Matt, I never wanted the car trip to end; I didn’t want him to get out the car and leave me. It was almost a physical yearning.
I tried to convey my feelings with my eyes to him
(through my hot pink sunnies),
and he seemed to be conveying something intense via his eyes right back at me, as we sat outside his house.
But then he said goodbye and got out the car and left.
Sigh. For some reason, my heart aches.
So straight from Matt’s I drove to Graham’s and picked him up. He was still in his pajama’s, and he looked so adorable! All sweet and cuddly and innocent. We went to Garden City and saw the 12pm session of ‘Charlie’s Angels.’
Oh my god, it was the best movie!!! I loved it so much.
Graham kept saying how much I looked like Drew Barrymore in it.
(oh yeah, he so wants to sleep with me, and thinks feeding me that crap will work)
(it probably would if I wasn’t so into…I went to say Matt but meant to write Ever)
Then I drove Graham home and drove to Tee’s, thinking she’d be home and we’d go to the coast, but she wasn’t home, so I drove down here by myself.
I’ve seriously done like 300kms today, driving around.
I’m pissed with Ever. I think it’s finally time to end it.
I feel like staying down the coast tonight, and seeing ‘Charlie’s Angels’ again.
This couple have sat down near me, with fish and chips and a bottle of champagne. No glasses or plates. So romantic!!!!!!!
That is the dream. Someone to have fish and chips and champagne with on the water.
Ever would rather die than do that with me. Stardust feels so long ago.
That was such a magical night. What happened???
I love doing things like this on my own, writing in my diary at sunset on the beach, but I’d like a boyfriend too.
Oh, the couple do have champagne glasses!!! Even more romantic.
Karen
(accountant Karen, not bitterly disappointed in me boss’s wife Karen)
and Regina were talking about true love Friday arvo at work, during Friday afternoon drinks.
(isn’t it funny how the topic of love always comes up when alcohol is involved?? It really makes the world go round…love, not alcohol, although…)
Everyone had left except for us and Angie
(who I call Missy Moo…she’s like 12),
and their talk made me want to cry. Karen was saying how she’s never been head over heels in love, and considering she has two kids, been married and is in her thirties, I felt really sad for her. She said she thinks she’ll never find her true love.
(not with that attitude, Kaz!!!)
My heart broke for her.
Regina, of course, carried on how Todd is her true love. Spew, vomit. Yeah, if a pothead loser, a sociopath with no empathy for others is your true love, then good luck to her.
Our conversation made me realise Ever isn’t in love with me. It’s not passion and romance and mad sex and messiness and crazy love between us.
And that’s what I want. Messy love. Beautiful, messy, I’m insane for you love.
Ever is none of those things for me. He’d never allow himself to be. He has too much self-control, and fucking prides himself on it.
It’s starting to get cold. I want to see the sun set though..…….
So nice here. Just watching the water and the light as the sun sets.
Think I’m gonna go head to this restaurant I’ve been dying to check out near here.
7.15pm
I’m home, to Tee ringing, Melinda and Lach BOTH ringing, and Ever ringing.
Ever asked me to go clubbing for Luke’s birthday, but he would have just broke my heart again, ignoring me the whole night.
I told him, “No, I don’t feel like being ignored for the fiftieth millionth time,” and he interrupts and goes, “I’m not arguing with you, I WANT you to go,” and I just went, “No.”
Tough love, baby.
12.11am
Tee and I went to the movies. I felt bad, neglecting her with all she does for me
(including being the only one on my fucking birthday to pick up the bloody, broken pieces of me and take me to the hospital),
so I went and picked her up.
And guess what we saw – ‘Charlie’s Angels’!!!
Twice in one day has to be some sort of a record for me.
The Scooby Gang is going to the coast tomorrow…debating
(with myself)
about whether I should go or not.
Upset about Ever. I’m always upset about him. He seems like a million miles away right now.
Why can’t we make it work???
Chapter 18
SUDDENLY IT’S A MOONLIGHTING EPISODE
(I’LL BE DAVID HAYES, YOU BE MADDIE ADDISON)
Sunday 26 November 2000
9.25am
My baby’s been stolen.
(car, not Ever. I’d have to HAVE Ever in the first place to have him stolen)
Right out the front of our house!!
I’ve been ridiculously devastated. I mean, MY CAR IS MY EVERYTHING.
The worst is, as I was drifting off to sleep last night, I swore I heard the roar of my baby, and I jumped up with a heartstart, but then I went, “Nah, can’t be my car.” And fell promptly back to sleep.
Seven-thirty this morning, Nat and Dan were frantically shaking me awake, one on either side of me, yelling, “Your car’s gone!”
I was all, “No it’s not, I parked it out front.”
“Well, you may have parked it outside, but someone has merrily drove off in it,” Dan replied.
“FUCK!!!” I bounced out of bed and dialled triple oh.
(seemed like an emergency to me)
Police arrived really quickly
(two hot cops, actually),
and they entered the ho
use going, “You know a car being stolen is not really an emergency, right?”
I shook my head at them. “Me no comprehend.”
One cop’s lips twitched, the other (older) one heaved a big sigh. “What sort of car was it?”
WAS IT?? We’re in past tense already? Is my car dead??
“Ah, a midnight blue Holden Commodore, VN.”
“That explains it then,” the young cop declared.
“Explains what??”
“VN’s are THE most common car stolen,” Older Cop replied.
“Why??”
(cause they’re so hot? I pondered. I love my VN)
“Because when you rip the ignition console out, the air con knob pulls out easily, and fits right in the ignition as a key. Takes about two seconds to steal a VN.”
“Seriously?” Great idea there, Holden.
“Look, I’m not gonna lie, we don’t recover many stolen cars. And if we do, they’re usually very badly thrashed. Insurance companies usually just write them off.” Pause. “Commodores especially are stolen for the sole purpose of joy rides, just to thrash the engine.”
Shampoo Page 29
