“Karina – ”
“Yes?”
“I don’t want you to leave.”
I leaned against the door. “Dear God, Evvy – ”
“Listen to what I’m saying! I don’t want you to leave.”
I shook my head, the tears falling. “It’s not enough, Evvy.”
And I opened his door and I left.
I’m so sick of roaring away from his house. It loses its meaning by the 100th time.
Tuesday 14 November 2000
7.20pm
Work was so busy today. Neither of the girls were there, so I was flat out.
I kept glancing at the clock near 4.30, once it hit 4.35 my heart flipped, thinking he’d ring, since he always rings dead on 4.35.
But that time came and went, and I sunk into this intense sadness. Then at 5.10pm, my direct line rang, and my heart stopped, praying it was him…
And it was.
Ever tricked me with a voice again, and made me laugh.
(damn him)
Then he said, “Come over, woman.”
“What for?” I gulped.
“Oh you know what for – ”
“Stop it, I’m too upset with you – ”
“Don’t you want to come over?” Oh, God, he sounded wounded.
“You know I do. But I just don’t want to be hurt anymore.”
He made a noise. Part growl, part moan, mostly sigh. “Okay. I’ll try again tomorrow,” he said, in this ‘I’ll show her’ tone.
Oh God, I hope he does!!
Then I drove Joy home from work, and we had our usual deep and meaningful. She told me I should stick with Evvy, so now I’m totally confused, cause I normally totally trust Joy’s advice.
She said if I really did love him, I’d stick around, enjoy our time together and see where it ends up. That I’m just trying to protect myself now by bailing.
Which is so true. I need to protect myself though. I’ve been too battered by life.
Wednesday 15 November 2000
11.27am
I’m home already. These tablets for my cough are making me sick.
So is work. Too many fucking 12 hour days.
I’m watching a Gene Wilder movie on Encore, and it’s ripping my heart out.
All I can think about is that fucker.
And the more I think about him, the more upset I get, and the more upset I get, the sicker I feel.
And this movie is making me cry!!!
I’m in love with Ever. How did that happen?? It hurts!! It hurts so fucking much.
Oh my God, a movie has never made me cry this much before.
It’s brilliant. I don’t even know what it’s called.
What’s going to happen with Ever and I???
6.05pm
Tee came over about 2pm and brought me a homemade lunch. She’s so lovely!!! She loves me!!
Tee expresses love via food. She’s like an Italian widow.
Ever rang dead on 4.30pm today. Was so funny, cause I’d just told Tee he rings me dead on 4.30 – 4.35, so when the phone rang, we both looked at our watches, then each other.
And he was SO ADORABLE to me on the phone, lecturing me like a boyfriend, and we all know how much I love that!!!
He was making me laugh so much, too. He was in one of his comedic moods that I love so much.
I teased him
(I secretly and shamefully love ribbing him),
asked, “So why are you ringing me, Everard?”
“To say hello to you, woman,” he replied, his voice his happy/interested one.
(not his couldn’t care less voice that makes me want to do him physical harm)
“Is that all it’s ever going to be between us?”
“Hey, I’ve rung every day wanting you to come over! I’ve wanted you here Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, tonight!!!!” Pause. His tone turned to that sexy gruff one. “And not to talk, that’s for sure.”
My legs went weak. I wanted to run over to his place and have sex IMMEDIATELY.
“I’m not well enough,” I replied, plonking down on the floor. “You can come here, you know!”
“I can’t, cause of my lunch tomorrow.”
“What?”
“If I come to yours, I won’t have lunch to take to work tomorrow.”
“Ah, ever heard of BUYING your lunch? For just one day?”
“That’s a waste of money, and I’ll never get my house wasting money like that.”
(God, he’s so organized and disciplined and WEIRD)
“One day will not ruin your future financial empire, Everard.”
“Yes. It will.”
“SIGH. We do actually have bread here, Everard.”
“I like my chicken wings!!”
“You eat them for dinner every night!”
“And lunch.”
“I’m getting off the phone before your weirdness freaks me out any more – ”
“Says the girl OBSESSED WITH PINK – ”
“I’d like to see you before another week goes by, Ever.”
“What do you think I’m doing? I’m trying to call, and be there, and get you to relax!”
“Oh, is that what you’re doing? Guess I better appreciate it then – ”
“Shut up, you. I’d like to see you relax finally – ”
(then you should behave better, Everard!!)
“I know how I’ll relax.”
Ever laughed. “Hmm. Then come over so I can work on relaxing you – ”
“You come here, Evvy!”
“Ugh. I’ll call you tomorrow.”
Saturday 18 November 2000
1.18pm
I just rang Melinda and cancelled on the Superjesus concert we were going to tonight. She sounded so disappointed!!! My heart breaks I let her down. I’m too ill though. I had yesterday off work.
I couldn’t face another 11, 12 hour day with no break like this. Was SO NICE to just lie in bed all day and watch Foxtel.
Ever rang yesterday, dead on 4.30pm, and he COMPLETELY PISSED ME OFF.
The convo went like this:
“Hey woman.”
“Bonjour, Everard.”
“Been into the champagne already?”
“No, monsieur. C’est vu plait.”
He laughed. “Is that the only French you know?”
“Wee!”
“So what are you up to?”
“Nothing.”
“I see.”
“What are you up to?”
“Nothing.”
“Wow. This conversation rocks!!” I said sarcastically.
“I’ll call you later, okay?”
“What? What! Why?”
“I’ll just call you later – ”
“But but…but but but – ”
“SIGH. You’re in one of those moods of yours that REALLY IRRITATES ME – ”
“I am?? NO, YOU ARE!”
“Why don’t you just come over then,” Ever said, resignedly.
“Thank you! Maybe I will!”
“I want to go to the movies, though. You up for the movies?”
I coughed. On cue. “No, I’m really not.”
“SIGH.”
“What about we get drinks and just stay at yours?”
“I REALLY want to go to the movies.”
“Since WHEN?”
“Since now.”
“God, you’re so painful – ”
Dan arrived home and snatched the phone off me. “Paul! Why don’t you come over and we’ll get smashed and play Playstation?”
I stood there, praying Dan’s magic would work and he’d come over.
And he came!! Four hours later, but he came!!!
He walked in the door at 8.30pm, looking so hot I couldn’t deal, and Dan, Evvy and I played Playstation together and drank.
(Nanna Nat was in bed, reading Cleo mag, as her Cleo slept next to her)
Tee dropped in at 11pm, after her shift finished, so we went out the back and sat in the dark BBQ area
and chatted over a glass of champagne.
Was so nice, outside at near midnight, the BBQ area like a mini rainforest, the night air perfect and summery already.
I love November nights in Queensland.
It’s gotta be the most perfect weather on the planet.
Then Tee left, and Dan crashed, then Evvy started getting all affectionate
(after everybody left, and just as I was whopping his butt in the game),
so we came in here and made love and fell asleep together.
That’s the first time he’s stayed here and slept with me.
He woke me up about 3am and made love to me again.
Was hot.
He stayed awhile this morning, then left, barging into my room without knocking to kiss me full on the lips.
It’s the most boyfriendly he’s ever been!
But I want more, I tell ya. Time with just us two. Time together with this mates. Why couldn’t he ask me today to do something? We never do anything on the weekend together. He never seems to want to include me in his life. And it hurts.
But he made the effort last night. That’s what counts.
He loves his watch. He’s always looking at it, or talking about it, or flashing it. Makes my heart ache.
But, I mean, what are we doing? After everything I said and stood for Monday night, and here we are, fallen back into this again.
I have no spine.
5.10pm
Well, he’s back here!
I went to the video store this arvo, so I was halfway through ‘Troop Beverly Hills,’ when he and Dan arrived back here after the spending the day together like a real couple.
No kisses from him, but he’s come in here a few times, being silly, jumping on the bed.
I feel like I can’t relax when he’s here. Or, out there with Dan.
Sunday 19 November 2000
12.33pm
Oh my God, what a great night last night!!
So Dan and Ever pissed Nat and I off SO BADLY yesterday arvo that we gave up the house to them, and saw the 6.40pm session of ‘Boys and Girls’ at Carindale, which was FUN.
Freddie Prinze Jnr is a GOD.
I was so annoyed with Ever that, ONCE AGAIN, he acted SO not like a boyfriend, that I was really hoping he wasn’t there when we got home.
But as these things always go, not only were Dan and Evvy at home when we returned, but they’d MULTIPLIED. Ben, his brother and Mark were extra additions on the couches.
So they were all planning on going into the city, and Dan and Ever, THE BASTARDS, kept going to Nat and I, “You two are NOT coming in, capice?”
I was all, “I don’t wanna go in anyway!”
And Nat was all, “Shut your stupid fucking face, Everard!”
(ha ha!!)
But I was VERY put out, being told, over and over, that I couldn’t go in with them, and thought two can play this game!!
(always up for a game, I am!)
So I rang Tee and Richard, my two best mates, and declared “Clubbing Night!!!!”
They happily agreed
(I love them!),
so it was a big SUCKED IN to Dan and Ever.
Both Rich and Tee walked in, Rich looking all big and buff and hot. He walks into a room and dominates it, everyone hushes and wonders if he’s there to kill them all or what.
It’s funny how tough he looks, yet he’s a complete teddy bear under all that bravado.
Tee walked in, all 1950’s vintage housewife innocent and declared, “Too much testosterone in here! Give me a pretty pink drink!”
I promptly handed her a glass of pink champagne.
Nick rang too, while Evvy was here ahahahahahahaha
(I’m taking too much pleasure from this)
and the look on Evvy’s face, with both Rich there and Nick ringing!!
Oh BAM, now that’s called a pink comeback on his ass.
(must calm down. It can’t all be about revenge on these stupid males)
Ever was so not impressed.
So I started drinking with the boys soon as I’d gotten home from the movies
(you can’t beat them, join them),
then Tee and Rich arrived and the rest of them all went in, but the three of us hung out together here and drank awhile.
Then Tee left to go pick up a boy she’s interested in, and Rich and I cabbed it into the city together, Rich so happy and loving, cuddling me to him, teasing and laughing with me, throwing his arms around me.
I love Rich. I really do. We just have this easy friendship.
So Rich and I stayed upstairs at Mary St for awhile, drinking at the bar, enjoying it just being us two.
I was in my silly, drunk mood, dancing around, hanging off Rich, being stupid. Drinking two dollar pink daiquiris and acting hypo. I tried to do this spin/twirl thing, and ended up slamming into a group of people and knocking drinks and people over everywhere, and Rich just laughed his ass off for like ten minutes.
That was when we decided to go downstairs. Once people were calling me a ‘fucking idiot’ and ‘smashed fucking Barbie.’
I actually quite like that ‘smashed fucking Barbie’ comment. I took it as a compliment, and went to the guy who said it, “Thank you, thank you very much, you should see me in bed,” which was when Richard really couldn’t stop laughing and dragged my ass downstairs.
We found the guys downstairs, taking up a whole seating area near the dance floor.
“Yo HO HO,” I greeted them, to much cheers by them.
“Trouble’s here!!”
“Pinky’s here!”
“She’s FUCKING HAMMERED – ”
I was dancing around madly to N’Sync’s ‘Bye Bye Bye.’ By myself. Drink in hand. Rich was still laughing, and told them all I had just bowled over about ten people upstairs.
Ever just watched me. Intently.
He was brewing something in that head of his.
He did not touch me in any way all night.
Oh, he did. Maybe I’m too harsh on the guy. Mmmm…no.
He touched me only to grab me and say, “Hold my seat, woman!”
So romantic I COULD DIE.
Richie soon joined in on my drunkenness, and got SO DRUNK, and was all over me. He kept wrapping his arms around me and grabbing me.
I found it so sweet!! I love him. I love being in Rich’s arms. Might just be one of my favourite spots on earth.
I could see Ever. He kept his eye firmly on me the whole night. He just sat back and watched. I caught his eye a few times, and could just FEEL he wanted to grab me and be affectionate, but for some reason, he can’t.
Tee arrived with her man, this delicious guy from her work. We had so much fun. I felt surrounded by love and friends.
(even though it was technically only two of them)
At least Ever got to see who cares for me.
(so two people)
I was in my element. I was (drunk) shining. It was my night to shine and let loose.
After the humiliation of the party bus night, I deserved this!
We all found our way back to our place
(except for Tee and her man, who left together),
and Ben and Bro, Mark and Hoffy (who’d met us in there) and Dan all plonked down on the couches to drink some more and play Playstation, but Evvy went straight for my bed and crashed, and Rich seriously cracked it.
I don’t think he knew about Evvy and I
(I keep my non-relationships close to my chest),
so when he watched Evvy go into my room, he fully lost it. In front of all the boys, he’s like, “I can’t stay here, Karina, WHILE YOU HAVE SEX WITH ANOTHER MAN,” and “I’m in LOVE WITH YOU, KARINA, can’t you SEE THAT??”
Oh my God, you should have seen all the guys’ faces. They were transfixed. Game paused.
(and it takes a lot to make them pause the Playstation)
I thought it was so sweet, though. Rich being like that. Was fucking adorable. So romantic. I totally wanted to just grab h
im and run off with him
(we should have),
but I was all awkward, not knowing what to do or say around him.
He ended up catching a cab back to his place, which made me really sad. I hated seeing him leave like that.
I sighed, walking back in from seeing Rich off at the curb, to all the boys silent, the curtains moving, as if they’d just all sat back down after peering at us through the window.
“So,” Mark said.
“So,” I replied. I plonked right down with them, squished right in between them.
“He’s really in love with you,” Hoffy stated. All eyes were on me.
“I know.”
“But you’re in love with Ever,” Mark summed it up.
I sighed. “Yeah.”
We all suddenly heard Evvy snore, all the way from my room. We all cracked up laughing.
“Speak of the devil.” And I got up and joined Evvy in my bed.
Evvy really looked so hot last night.
No hot love-making during the night. He didn’t even put an arm around me.
(then again, neither did I)
I laid there, curled in a ball, sad he was giving me no love whatsoever, while a man a few short hours ago was practically pulling his hair out over his love for me.
I got up first in the morning, was in the kitchen making toast, when he just gets up and walks straight past me!!
That pisses me off so much. That hurts so fucking much!!
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