I lost severely.
Matt had his chair pulled almost right behind me, and he was leaning over my shoulder, helping me play
(obviously not very well!),
and touching me, my hair, constantly.
I knew I was gone then. Not drunk gone
(although I was),
but LOVE GONE.
My defences were down.
Matt is so affectionate and loving. Everything I’ve always wanted.
Everything I’ve wanted Evvy to be for so long.
I’m terrified of being someone’s girlfriend again, terrified of being HIS girlfriend. And not out of fear of him, but fear of how into this we both are.
It’s all romance and rainbows at the beginning.
But never at the end.
At 4am, Matt finally announced, “That’s it, I’m going to bed.” He stood up and held out his hand. “Karina, you’re coming with me.”
“I am?” I squeaked. I’d hoped I wasn’t sleeping in the den again, PRAYED to be in bed with Matt, but now the time was here, I could feel the hives again.
(hurts to scratch with the permanent sunburn I have)
Matt pulled me out of my seat, and dragged/carried me upstairs. I just FELL into his bed, I was so exhausted by this time.
Matt fell onto me, and wrapped me in his arms.
I JUST DIED.
“Matt?”
“Hmm?” My back was to him and he had his arms around me.
“I love being in your arms.”
“Good. Cause in my arms is where you belong.”
“I’m not ready for this.”
“Shh, don’t talk like that. It KILLS me.”
“It’s happening too fast – ”
“Not on my end!”
“I know. You’ve been so patient.”
“Cause I’m in love with you, Karina.”
I started choking. On what, I don’t know.
(his words?? His love?? My issues??)
“Can you be patient some more?” I managed to ask.
“What are you saying?”
“That I’m not ready.”
Matt practically squeezed me against him. “I don’t care. You are mine.”
“I’m scared. I’m not ready. I’m not…”
(okay)
“Shh, baby…”
“Matt?”
“Yes, Love of my Life?”
I giggled. “My sunburn is killing. I need to take my top and bra off.”
Matt groaned. “You’re a very confusing girl, Karina.”
“You love it. Apparently.”
“God. I do.” Matt bit his fist while I sat up and got half naked. “This is torture.”
I settled back against him, and Matt’s hands were immediately cupping my breasts. “Matt!!”
“Oh you have to be kidding me, right?? How can I NOT touch your boobs!”
I groaned. It felt too fucking good on my end. “Matt…”
He flipped me on my back and leaned in close. “Don’t say my name. It’s driving me crazy.” His hands were back on my breasts. “This is FUCKING TORTURE.” He explored some more with his hands, while I literally writhed under him
(this has BECOME a romance novel all of a sudden. Isn’t it great???),
groaning, and clinging to him. I pulled his hair
(I don’t know WHERE that came from. Matt just makes me want to pull his hair)
and Matt groaned and growled, “Karina.”
“Yes?” I was all breathy and breathless.
“Fucking kiss me.”
And his lips were on mine, and OH MY GOD, we were suddenly rolling around, kissing, gasping, grabbing, pulling.
I’ve never been kissed like that before. Like I was needed.
Like I was LOVED. Not just wanted, but LOVED.
We kissed for hours. He tried to take it further, but I begged him to wait. To slow it down a bit.
We settled back in, to what suddenly seems like ‘our’ position – spooning.
It feels so fucking right I can’t believe it.
“I don’t want this,” I almost cried.
(oh my GOD. I am Everard all of a sudden)
“Don’t want what?”
“Falling for you.”
Matt nuzzled me. “But you have, haven’t you?” He sounded very pleased with himself.
“God yeah.”
Matt laughed. “That makes me so happy, I can’t even say.”
“I’m scared.”
“Stop – ”
“I’m terrified – ”
“PLEASE. Stop. It kills me. It physically HURTS me to see you this freaked out – ”
“I don’t know if I can do it – ”
“Do what?”
“Love.”
“Too late, baby. That was fucking fireworks, kissing you. The real deal. LOVE IS HERE.”
“We’re too young. We’ll fuck it up – ”
“Shhh. Or I’ll be forced to fuck you till you’re not saying this stuff anymore.”
“Hmm. That drives me crazy when you talk like that, Matt – ”
“STOP. Seriously! I am so close to not being able to control myself, and just fucking you – ”
“You stop talking like that! It’s driving ME crazy!”
Matt groaned into my hair. “I’m like shaking with the willpower to not take you right now.”
“Okay, I’ll shut up now.”
“Good!”
Pause.
“Matt?”
“Hmm?”
“You’re going to be a bloody sex machine, aren’t you?”
He groaned. “Karina, I am THIS CLOSE – ”
I giggled. “Night, Matt.”
“Night, baby.” He cuddled me tighter.
I think we got an hour’s sleep. When we woke, Matt was just as affectionate.
That wall is now down. It is just ALL affection between us .
But I’m scared. It seems to have happened so quickly.
Andrew and Gemma took Jules home, and Matt drove me home.
The whole way, he held my hand, or squeezed my leg, or touched my face or hair.
It drove me absolutely crazy. This is what I have CRAVED, for years. A guy like this with me. A guy this mad for me.
And me mad for him.
There’s something so beautiful with the universe making things line up like this. It seems magical.
“I don’t want to drive you home,” he said. “I want you with me.”
“Silence.” I was gulping air, having a coronary, being in love, wanting him, being lost, all at once.
“Fuck, I want you so bad, Karina.” He brought my hand up to his lips, and kissed my knuckles.
I actually whimpered.
“You okay over there?”
Hyperventilating by me. I damn well had to put my head between my knees.
“Baby. Breathe.” Matt laughed, and dropped my hand to rub the back of my neck. “It’s okay, Karina. Please say something.”
“Silence. Great gulps of air.”
“Please, babe. You’re killing me! Please say something to me.”
“Oh God.”
“It’s a start.” My hand was back up to his lips. “Calm down, baby. I won’t hurt you.”
“You already are!” I suddenly cried.
“How? Tell me!”
“With how GOOD you are. How perfect. With how much you already care.”
“That hurts you?”
“Fuck yes!”
“It hurts me too. It hurts whenever you’re not with me.”
“This is what I mean! You just saying that hurts me so much. It hurts too much! I can’t do it – ”
“Stop saying that, Karina! It KILLS me when you say that!”
“I’m sorry. It kills me too.”
We pulled up at mine. Matt looked FUCKING DELICIOUS.
Like he was in pain at us having to say goodbye, for like A DAY.
How the fuck did this happen??? I still can’t get over how quick it’s gone fr
om perfectly fine on our own, to lost without each other.
Love has swept in. Like a tornado.
“I want you to stay with me.”
“Always?”
“Yes, always. But I actually meant like right now.”
Suddenly I grabbed him and pulled him towards me, crushing my lips against his.
He was surprised, I could tell. “Oh God,” he moaned against my mouth.
We kissed some more. I went to get out the car finally and Matt said, “Karina?”
“Yeah?” I leaned back in the door.
“Hurry back to me. I’m fucking in love with you.”
My heart stopped. I almost cried. I couldn’t say I loved him, I just couldn’t
(holy crap. Is this how Evvy feels towards me??? Oh my fucking God),
but I got back into the car on my knees, grabbed him by his shirt, and kissed him for all I’m worth.
(which was a lot, despite me not knowing my worth)
Matt kissed me back, like I was his LIFE, running his hands all over me.
(we were putting on quite a show outside on the street)
He finally groaned against my mouth and said, while we still kept kissing, “You either have to go inside now, or I’m taking you back to my place, and I’m never letting you go.”
“Matt?”
“Hmm?” His hands were grabbing me everywhere.
“I don’t want to be apart right now, either.”
“Right, then shut your door, we’re going home. Together.”
“I really can’t. I’m supposed to be leaving in like, an hour – ”
Matt groaned. “I can’t take it. You have to go, because I have no self-control around you – ”
“I think you have great self-control SQUEAL!!!!!!”
He’d grabbed my ass and squeezed. “You have five seconds before I drive off with you. And I’ll be taking all your clothes off WHILE I drive.”
“You make it sound so good,” I said against his mouth.
Matt groaned. “It will be better than GOOD.”
“Oh God, I can’t seem to leave you – ”
“That’s it.” Matt managed to continue kissing me and groping me and running his hands through my hair AND turn the ignition on at the same time. “We are going back to mine to continue this.” He reached over and pulled the door shut on me.
That freaked me out enough to finally get out of his lap that I was practically in. “Okay, I’m going – ” I reached over and opened the door.
Matt leaned over me and shut it again. “Too late. We’re going. I have lots of things to do to you.”
I opened the door. “I can’t – ”
(breathe)
He closed it again. “I need you, Karina.”
I kissed him again. “I need you, too.”
“I’m going crazy here.”
“Okay, I’m getting out the car – ”
“Ugh, DON’T. Don’t leave me.”
“Don’t YOU leave me!”
“I don’t want to! I’m trying to get you to come back home with me!”
“Oh God, we need to get a grip – ”
“No we don’t. This is awesome!!”
I jumped out the car before he really did drive us off.
Matt groaned. “Karina. I’m mad for you.”
“Drive off, please!”
Matt shot me his gobble me up eyes, then finally sighed. “God, this shouldn’t be so hard to drive off.”
“Bye Matt.”
“Karina?”
“Yes?”
“I’ve got you now, you realise.”
It wasn’t a question, it was a statement.
He gave me one last longing look, then drove off with a (Karina) roar.
He did it for my benefit, I’m sure.
Somehow I dragged myself out of my love haze, to get ready and go shopping with Nat, Cruz and Maria.
Cruz and Maria raved about Matt all day. They love him.
Then I’ve been to Tee’s tonight, and came home to the Scooby Gang all outside in the BBQ area.
(minus Ever, THANK FUCK)
I’m too tired
(and deep down destroyed over Ever)
to go socialize with them.
And it is over with Evvy. Matt and I all over each other has made that abundantly clear.
Josie came in my room just before, and invited me to her New Year’s Eve party.
That’s so sweet of her, and it’s made my heart hurt.
What, a week or two ago?? I would’ve jumped at the chance to be at her party. To be with Everard.
I can feel the Scooby Gang slipping through my fingers, and I really love them all!!
I wanted them as my own friends so badly.
I told Jose I couldn’t go cause I’m going to New South Wales, and she looked worried. For me and Ever.
She should be. Cause it’s too late for Ever and I now.
Ever is basically gone. That’s it. Love affair over.
I feel nothing at the moment about that fact.
(not true. Lying to my own diary now. I can feel the pain of Ever lying deep down in my chest, bubbling away, waiting to rise to the surface…but Matt is keeping that pain at bay)
I know I will miss him, that it will hit me and it will hurt….
But right now, all I can think about is Matt.
God help me.
Matt really loves me. It blows my mind.
Thursday 28 December 2000
9.34pm
I’ve been to Matt’s for dinner. Oh my God, am I falling.
HARD.
And it scares me to death.
My mind is all foggy. I’m so out of it, from, GULP, love.
First of all, I went to Joy’s this morning, sat around and had a big old gasbag. Told her all about Matt.
She was squealing in delight.
Damn woman. She eggs me on with this love shit.
Then I took Pheebs to the 12pm session of ‘Bring It On.’
I got home at 3pm and had to pack and ring everybody, let them know, “Sayonara!! I’m going away for New Year’s.”
Katrina got so upset with me when I told her. Accused me of leaving her on New Year’s again, that I’ve done it before.
(she was invited the last time! But refused to go)
Then I just felt really bad for disappointing her.
Nat wandered into my room as I was packing. “We never see you anymore!”
“I know, right?? It’s crazy!” I was throwing any old thing into my fairy suitcase.
“Careful packing job, as usual,” she observed. She was alluding to the time we went away camping and I’d packed only winter clothes in the middle of summer, and spent the entire time sweltering in tracksuits and jumpers. “Where are you going, anyway?”
“God knows. You know I don’t listen to details like that. All I know is that it’s in New South Wales.”
“You really like him, don’t you?” she suddenly asked.
I paused. “Yeah. I do.”
“Dan saw you outside, pashing him.”
“Oh God.” Evvy.
“You don’t owe that asshole anything,” my dear sister assured me. “He’s been treating you like crap all year. Matt worships you.”
“Yeah. He does.” I got all choked up. “What are you guys gonna do for New Year’s?”
“What we always do.”
“Scooby Gang?”
Nat laughed. “Yeah. You going tonight?”
“No, will come home after Matt’s, leave in the morning.”
“Alright. Make sure you say goodbye.”
“I will, Mum!”
(I love my responsible sister)
There’s a change in the air. Everything is changing. It’s both exciting and devastating.
Then, just as I was leaving for Matt’s, Evvy rang.
I haven’t heard from him over Christmas. No present. All that crap about him wanting me and trying again…it’s amounted to SWEET FUCK ALL.
; “I called and left a message last night,” he said, sounding mortally wounded I’d not called him back.
“I didn’t get it,” I replied, all awkward but it being the truth.
I’d slept with him, when?? And in that short space of time, I’d fallen madly in love with someone else.
“Josie tells me you’re going away for New Year’s,” he said.
“I am.”
“With who?”
“Matt, Julia, Matt’s mates…”
“I see.”
(once again, you so don’t Everard)
He paused. There was a dark silence between us. There was no joking or flirting or love vibes or anything going on. We were just dark and unhappy with each other.
“Anything you’d like to tell me?” he finally asked, sounding pissed off.
(oh he has NO RIGHT to be pissed off with me!!!! The fucking fucker)
He knew already. Fucking Dan had told him I was making out with Matt.
No way was I getting into it with him, though. My sister was right. I owe him NOTHING. “No. Why?”
“No reason.”
(sure, Ever)
“Karina, I really wanted you there for New Year’s.”
I made a ho-ho-ho laugh. “Since FUCKING WHEN, Evvy??”
“Ah, since now!”
(since Dan caught you making out with another guy, he meant)
“Ever, you never pay ANY ATTENTION TO ME at these things!!”
“Well, I will this time. If you go – ”
“I’m going away, Ever.”
(for a long time. Like forever)
I was suddenly VERY SAD though. I was fine when he’s out of sight, out of mind.
Shampoo Page 38
