But this…talking to him. It was hurting. Hearing his voice, it was making me want things I’m not supposed to want anymore.
“I’ve gotta go, Ever. I’ve got dinner plans.”
We hung up.
I stared at the phone.
This was too much. Too much pain I’m feeling.
I arrived at Matt’s to a scene from a romance movie – he was cooking, ‘Notting Hill’ was paused on the big screen tv, ready to go, candles were flickering, lights were dim.
And he looked at me in that to die for manner as I walked in the door.
Then he grabbed me and kissed me. For ages. When he let go, I fell onto the couch. Matt laughed. “You’re so fucking adorable, Karina!”
I just stayed there for a bit, while he went to check on dinner.
(my legs were a bit weak)
As he was making dinner, I came behind him and leaned against him, wrapped my arms around him. I felt sad, I felt needy. I wanted him, his comfort.
Matt stopped dicing and throwing bags of chicken coating in flour in the air and covered my hands with his. “I love when you touch me,” he said softly.
“You make me weak, Matt. Vulnerable.”
He turned and pulled me into his arms. “I’m here to protect you.”
“I don’t like being this weak.”
“I’ll make you stronger. You’ll see.”
Matt’s mobile on the bench behind us rang. He reached round and grabbed it while keeping me in his arms. “Hello? Oh, haha, yeah, she’s hopeless with her phone.”
“Is that Julia?”
Matt nodded, watching me in that incredible way he does. “Yeah, COURSE you can come, Jules! You’ll help relax her.”
Julia had asked me if she could come with us to New South Wales, and I’d promised to check and call her from Matt’s.
I am so excited Julia’s coming!! Matt is right, I will be more relaxed with my soul sister by my side for our holiday.
Matt handed me the phone, and I chatted with Julia, while Matt still held me in his arms. As I talked away, he grabbed a fistful of my hair and pulled while he kissed my neck. I groaned, and Matt kept rubbing his hands all over me.
“Do it again,” I whispered.
Matt laughed, and fisted his hands in my hair again, tugging. I groaned again.
“Please don’t tell me you and Matt are fooling around,” Jules laughed in my ear.
“Haha, no, but he’s doing things, YELP, that may be leading there.”
“Bye Julia!” Matt yelled. “See you tomorrow!”
I managed to shout, “Bye!” before Matt grabbed the phone, hanging up and throwing it on the counter.
“I want to make you moan some more,” he said huskily, pulling me closer.
“I think your dinner’s on fire – ”
“SHIT!!”
Even burnt, his dinner was INCREDIBLE.
He cooks. Really fucking well. Meanwhile, I lay about, near starvation, before getting up to eat slices of cheese.
While HE CAN COOK.
There’s no fighting this. I’m just going to have to give in.
We watched ‘Notting Hill,’ me in his arms, him kissing and touching me the whole time.
Matt loves that movie. The fact that Notting Hill is his favourite movie makes me fall even harder.
We made out for like an hour on his couch.
I refused to take it any further. I wonder how long I can put off sleeping with him??
Matt was actually pretty good about it. “I’m only calm and letting you go home cause I know I have the next three nights with you.”
“Do I need a tent?” I suddenly asked, from underneath him.
Matt laughed. “No! You’ll be in my tent, with me.”
Oh God.
“I can see the freak out happening on your face, Karina.”
“No no. I’m fine. Just a bit dizzy.”
“Please don’t go home tonight. Stay with me. In a bed, before it’s three nights on an air mattress.”
He makes me want this too much. He makes me want HIM too much.
“You’re making my head spin. God.”
Hours later, I managed to get us outside, on the driveway. He kissed me senseless there, too.
I clung to him. He was making me seriously dizzy.
“I love when you cling to me like this.”
“Oh, Matt. I need to go to sleep. I’m fucked.”
Matt groaned, hugging me tighter to him. “I’d like to fuck you. Let me tuck you into bed at least. You are looking a bit sick.”
“You’ve given me sea legs.”
He laughed. “I’d like to give you a lot more than that!”
“Carry me to my car.”
“To my bed, you mean?”
“No! Car. Bed. Sleep. Now.”
He scooped me up in his arms. “I’m worried about you driving like this. You’re exhausted.”
“I just need a good sleep.”
Matt carried me to his car. He sighed. “Don’t make me say goodbye to you again. Please stay.”
I was still scooped up in his arms. He’s like a romantic hero. “I’m all yours, the next few days.”
He sighed again. “That’s the only reason I’m agreeing to this nonsense.” He set me down on my feet by my car.
“I love the way you say nonsense. A bit British like. A bit Notting Hill.”
He kissed me. “Get out of here before I carry up upstairs.”
I was too wiped to hang around. “See you in the morning.”
“I’ll be counting the minutes.”
Never too tired to floor it and do a roar off, however.
I’m terrified. For some reason, all I can see is that blood on my birthday.
I swore then no one would ever hurt me like that again.
I’m already hurting with Matt. And he’s not even abusive!
God. I’m a fucking mess.
Monday 1 January 2001
7.21pm
Oh my God. I’m home in bed, from our trip.
I had the best time. I laughed, had a ball, Matt loved me senseless.
I’m on a high right now.
I was back at Matt’s the next day at 9, and Julia arrived at the same time. I got there to hugs and kisses from both of them!
I feel very loved around those two!!
Then we drove to Andrew’s in Matt’s car, where I fell in love with Andrew’s Holden Sandman HZ panel van.
It even has a bed in the back.
OH MY FUCKING GOD, I WANT IT!!!
I can so see myself on surfing trips in a car like that, just sleeping by the side of the road.
OH MY GOD, I WANT IT SO BAD.
Matt’s drum kit is at Freddie Prinze Jnr’s, so they had a session, and I was just floored, watching Matt play the drums. He’s so talented!!
It’s like he’s been hiding all these special skills and talents of his, and I’m surprised, endlessly surprised, as he reveals each new talent.
Finally, we started on our road trip, Andrew in his Shagging Wagon, Matt, Jules and I in Matt’s Commodore.
We made it about two kilometres before we were already stopping – Hungry Jack’s at Springwood. We ate sitting on the bonnets of the cars, alongside the freeway.
It felt exciting, you know?? Like an adventure was about to begin.
Finally, we were off. I offered to drive, but Matt just grabbed my hand and said, “No, you’ll get exhausted, baby. It’s a five hour drive.”
“Aww,” Jules said from the backseat. “That’s SO SWEET – ”
“I don’t want you worn out for tonight. In my arms.”
Jules laughed. “That’s more like it.”
I swooned and hyperventilated at the same time from the passenger seat.
“She’s freaking out again,” Matt laughed.
“Here, hold my hand, K.” Jules held my hand from the backseat, for most of the way.
Sounds stranger than it was. Felt right to me, holding Julia’s hand the whole
way.
“I always thought two girls in my car, holding each other’s hands, would be way more exciting than this,” Matt laughed.
Jules and I laughed, too. “No threesomes, Matt!” Jules said.
“You know what’s really weird?” Matt said.
“What?” I asked, curious. I find myself always eager to hear him speak. He kinda blows me away, with everything.
“I’ve always wanted a threesome with two girls. Now I’ve realised I couldn’t do it. You’d be neglected, Julia. All I can see is Karina. I’d just be all over you.” He turned to burn me with his eyes.
“I’m strangely insulted and thinking that’s the sweetest thing ever,” Jules laughed.
I continued hyperventilating.
“Karina, BREATHE!” Matt laughed.
We listened to Icehouse the whole way.
“Matt, I think you need to update your cd collection,” Jules complained. “All you’ve got is aussie rock. Aussie rock. And more aussie rock!” She declared she would DIE if she had to listen to anymore Icehouse.
“It’s Karina’s fault!” Matt cried. “She’s the one putting the same song on, over and over.”
“I LOVE this song,” I declared.
(Electric Blue)
“It kinda hurts me, like right here.” I held my hand over my heart.
Matt gave me an intense look. Like he’d like to take all my pain away.
(it’s a big fucking job, Matt!)
“Make it stop! MAKE IT STOP!!” Jules started screaming.
I just changed to Great Southern Land instead of Electric Blue.
We pulled over with Andrew somewhere in New South Wales, and it was exciting, cause it was completely new to me, I had no idea where I was. I’m so used to driving to the Gold Coast, even Byron Bay in New South Wales, but I hadn’t been where we’d stopped before.
“Not far now,” Matt announced, from somewhere random.
Soon we were on a country road in the middle of nowhere. There were strange speed signs with the circle, no number, and a cross through it.
“What the hell is that?” I asked, already excited, hoping it was what I thought it might be.
“For people like you, Karina,” Matt replied. “It means no speed limit here.”
“You can do WHATEVER SPEED LIMIT YOU WANT??”
(oh baby, WHY AREN’T I DRIVING??)
Matt laughed. “Yep.”
“Then why are you only going…seventy kays?”
“Because, BABY, I am responsible. And I have precious cargo in my car.” He reached out and brushed his knuckles down my jaw.
“I think I’m gonna be sick,” Jules announced. “And not from you two. I’m REALLY gonna be sick.”
“Thank GOD it won’t be over me this time!”
Finally, we arrived in Wooli – this adorable, country-like beach town.
There was absolutely nothing there, but that nothing sure is beautiful.
I fell in love with Wooli.
There’s seriously just a pub, a cornerstore, the beach, and the campgrounds.
Jules and I saw the ‘night life,’ turned to each other, and went, “Wooli rocks, man. Wooli rocks!”
It became our thing, all weekend. We’d say it to each other and laugh madly.
Five o’clock in the late arvo we arrived at the campgrounds, which were beautiful. Right on the water. Matt’s parents were there, his grandfather, his brother and his brother’s friends.
His parents have such an awesome set up. HUGE campervan, annexe with camping fridge and a camping stove bigger than the one in my own house. I’ve never seen such a sophisticated set up.
Funny how the rich are always wanting to rough it, leave their mansions for this, while the poor are always trying to get out of their trailer trash and into mansions.
Very confusing to me.
So Matt set to work on getting his giant-ass tent up, and a tent for Julia, while Jules and I took a seat each and watched him.
We laughed ourselves stupid while watching Matt scratch his head and try to fit one pole into another.
“Do you want some help?” I finally called out.
“YES!!!!” Matt yelled.
“Andrew, help Matt will you?”
Matt laughed his ass off.
“Girls, would you like a drink while you sit there and watch?” Matt’s mum asked us. I thought she was being sarcastic, but suddenly she passed me a glass of pink champagne.
“I’ve got plenty of pink champagne for you, Karina,” she said.
Awww. I’m in love with Matt’s mum already.
Matt seriously took like two hours or more to set up the tents.
“I’m exhausted from watching Matt set up these tents,” I yawned.
Matt’s dad laughed the hardest this time. And Julia.
All of us went to the pub Friday night. I had a great time.
(don’t I always, at pubs??)
Matt was actually very gentlemanly Friday night, and just softly kissed me and held me all night. I definitely relaxed into it, with him slowing us down.
Saturday we went fishing and swimming at the beach. Was heavenly. The sun, the air. Different to the Gold Coast. Saturday arvo me, Matt, Jules and Andrew wandered over to the corner store, which makes pizzas too, and ordered one while we waited.
“What is up with these tables?” I wondered.
The chairs were seriously TINY, like toddler chairs, and the table was so low, almost to the ground. “Are there really short people in Wooli?”
We all fell apart, laughing and trying to fit under the table. Our knees were seriously around our ears.
The pizza was up, and Matt tried to stand up and get out, but got his knees stuck under the table, then fell over trying to get up.
Oh God. We were in stitches.
We ate the pizza
(it was GOOD)
at that table, and a dog wandered up, and hovered
(above)
over us, looking very menacing.
“That dog seriously looks like he’s about to steal our pizza,” Andrew stated.
“Well, he’s taller than us. He’s got an advantage over us,” I cracked.
We were in hysterics. Clutching each other from our tiny, tiny seats, we were laughing so hard.
We vegged for the afternoon at the campgrounds with everyone else. Matt’s parents’ group had grown, there were married couples everywhere.
Matt’s mum told them all “Matt and I’s story”
(I love that we have a story)
of my stolen car, and I felt swept away in it all. In Matt, his family, what was happening between us.
The four of us went back to the pub Saturday night, and drank and laughed. Matt looked so fucking hot. I wanted to eat him. He constantly has his arms around me or is kissing me or touching me in some way.
I could die.
It’s what I’ve always dreamed a relationship being. It’s just been shit after shit lately.
Saturday night Matt was good AGAIN
(damn it!),
and didn’t take it further than kissing.
I think he would have if I hadn’t said, “If you kiss someone, or are making love to someone at midnight on New Year’s Eve, you’re with that person and madly in love with them for that whole year.”
“So we’re waiting till midnight tomorrow night, I take it?” Matt sighed.
“May as well. Give us the best chance possible.”
“You know, expecting it to be all doom and gloom from the beginning is not the way to go into this.”
“I know. I can’t help it.”
“Babe?”
“Hmm?”
“It’s going to be SPECTACULAR with me.”
That’s what I’m afraid of.
New Year’s Eve we all went a bit mad. Running around the campgrounds, yelling, screaming, laughing, jumping out at each other from behind trees and toilets. Getting smashed.
But so were all the other campers.
It wa
s mad!!! Something was in the air, or there was a full moon or something.
(or it was New Year’s)
Matt, Andrew, Jules and me sat around the table, playing cards and drinking till near midnight.
About 10pm, Matt grabbed me and announced we were going to bed. “But it’s not even midnight!” Andrew cried.
“Karina and I have things to do at midnight,” Matt said, pulling me into his arms.
“I bet!!” Jules laughed. “I know ALL ABOUT K’s New Year’s Eve logic.”
Matt and I just kissed and cuddled and talked for ages, mucking around. Matt kept tickling me. Or stroking me, then I’d burst out laughing.
“I’m trying to be seductive here,” Matt said.
“You don’t need to try,” I said, but then I burst out laughing.
“You know my hard dick? It’s just gone,” and he mimed his index finger going from straight to bent over.
I laughed harder. I tried to grab him, but he pretended to shrug me off.
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” I spluttered.
We settled back into each other, me in his arms. “I’m fine now,” I said.
And started laughing all over again when Matt began running his fingers over me.
“I’m in a weird mood,” I giggled madly.
“You’re hysterical,” Matt agreed.
We could hear Andrew and Julia out at the table still. Julia kept laughing.
“What’s going on there?” I wondered.
“I don’t know. I only care what’s going on between us.”
And then we were off. All serious, love session.
Of course, I was loving it, getting into it, then I was just overwhelmed by it. I started thinking of Evvy, and the past, and blood, and started to work myself into a very good freak out.
Shampoo Page 39
