Shampoo

by Karina Almeroth

  “I can’t do this,” I murmured, trying to emerge from the haze.

  “Don’t pull away from me, Karina. DON’T,” he growled, pulling me back into his arms.

  “I’m not ready for this, Matt – ”

  “Who is it?” he suddenly demanded, pulling me back against him again.

  I just about died.

  (for real, this time)

  “Nobody. There’s nobody.”

  It felt like a lie suddenly, when it’s not. Ever has never been there. Not fully.

  “I overheard you and Jules today -”

  (damn his boyfriend ears!!)

  “ – she said ‘Evvy who?’, joking around. I figure he was the last guy or you’re still with him.” His hands were in my hair, and he had me laying across his chest. He tugged my hair, bringing my lips down to his. “If there’s somebody else, I’ll kill him.”

  I let out a breath. I owed him the WHOLE truth. “There’s a guy. Or, THERE WAS.” I settled in against him, and rested my flushed cheek against his cool chest. My hand was on his chest for seconds before Matt was clutching it to his heart.

  I love how loving he is.

  I’d never felt as safe in anyone’s arms as I did right then. And we were discussing something as provocative as there being another guy!

  Yet I felt so safe. And that, strangely, made me even more terrified of this. Him. Love. Us.

  “Karina, why are you here with me?”

  I didn’t answer.

  “You don’t love him,” he said matter-of-factly.

  Does my heart deny that? Would I deny that? Should I deny that?

  Ever would deny that.

  There was love there, with Ever and I, but now I see we both held back.

  We were afraid.

  Matt’s not afraid. He’s brave with love. Maybe cause he hasn’t been crushed yet, but he’s all there. He’s jumping in with his two feet.

  And pulling me in with him.

  “You don’t love him, or you wouldn’t be here with me,” Matt was saying.

  “I’m self-destructive, Matt.”

  “Long as you’re only self-destructive with me. And no other guy.”

  “I’m freaking at this. At commitment!”

  Matt groaned. “You say that, but you’ve cuddled closer to me as you say it! Your body is telling you, and me, what it wants. And it’s not this other guy. It’s me.”

  “I’ve avoided the other guy since…”

  “Since?”

  (I fucked him last)

  “Since you.”

  Matt was silent, running his fingers through my hair.

  “I’m not ready, Matt – ”

  He burst out laughing. “You’re doing it again!”

  “Doing what?”

  “Saying one thing, but your body is doing another. You just ran you leg up my thigh.”

  “I did?”

  “FUCK. It turns me on.”

  I went to pull away, but he only pulled me back against him and held me tighter. “Your tough guy routine is really getting me going,” I murmured.

  “Is it?” he asked huskily.

  “God yeah. I love how you take over me. And I’m terrified at the same time.”

  We listened to the campgrounds for a bit, staring at our hands entwined. We heard Julia and Andrew laugh. “You know what I’d like to do?”

  “Stop global warming? Write a book?”

  “No,” he growled. He trailed a hand down my face, and tipped my chin up so I’d see those intense eyes of his. “I’d like to take you home every night, and fuck you over and over, till all you can think about is me, and all these other pricks are forgotten.”

  Cue the whimpering by me. “They’re already forgotten.”

  “They are?”

  “All I can think about is you. All I WANT is you – ”

  Matt suddenly rolled me onto my back, and was all over me, kissing me, hands in my hair, running his hands all over me. “How about I just fuck you now then?”

  “Oh God – ”

  “I can’t control myself any more, Karina,” he groaned. “If you don’t want me to fuck you for hours, you better get up and leave this tent now.”

  I tried to untangle myself from him and get up, but Matt caught me round the waist and threw me gently back down on the mattress. I squealed.

  “Over my dead body am I letting you out of here.” He was on top of me, all over me, overwhelming me again. “You let this other fucktard have you! Why won’t you let me?”

  “Because!” I suddenly cried, trying to escape his clutches again.

  (I really didn’t want to escape)

  “Because why?” He was kissing me again, wrapping me in his arms.

  “Because…GROAN…he doesn’t make me feel like this!”

  “Feel like what?” He kissed me wildly some more. “Feel like WHAT, Karina?” He stopped kissing me and held my head, piercing me with those sapphire eyes of his.

  “Fucking LOVED. Messy. EXPOSED.”

  Matt’s eyes softened, and he crushed his mouth against mine. “I love you like this,” he said against my mouth. “All messy. Vulnerable. God, it does something to me.”

  I was practically whimpering. I had to take big, deep breaths, when I could. When Matt’s lips weren’t crushing mine. “I can’t do this, Matt. It’s too much for me – ” I tried to escape again.

  “Don’t! Don’t you dare break my heart by leaving me – ”

  “I can’t BREATHE around you – ”

  “I’ll breathe for you.”

  “Oh God.” I was near tears. I was in such torment. I was overwhelmed with love for Matt. I was overwhelmed BY Matt.

  Assholes, I could handle. A perfect, loving guy like Matt…

  I had no idea what to do with.

  I couldn’t handle it. I didn’t deserve it. I would fuck it up.

  At least with assholes, it’s their fault.

  “If you really don’t want this, don’t want ME – “ Matt choked up then and I reached out, held his face. I wanted to eat him up, protect him…LOVE HIM. “Then you have to tell me, Karina. You have to tell me NOW.”

  I groaned. I was shit scared, but I wanted him. I wanted him more than I’ve ever wanted anything in my life. “I do want you, Matt,” I whispered, running a hand all over his cheeks, jaw, mouth. He bit my fingers.

  That turned me on so much.

  “But…” I trailed off.

  “But what? Just tell me NO, Karina, so I can stop.”

  “No then. No no no no no – ”

  Matt looked like I’d stabbed him in the heart. He pushed himself up off me by his hands.

  I was suddenly CRUSHED. The removal of his body from mine was a pain that floored me.

  I reached out and clung to him. “No! No. Don’t you DARE leave me!”

  Matt groaned, and wrapped me in his arms, pushing us both back down onto the bed. “This is your last chance, Karina. Your last chance to stop this. Otherwise I am going to fuck you so hard. Till you’re begging me to stop.”

  I made noises as he kissed me. “Don’t do that ever again.”

  “Do what?”

  “Pull away from me.”

  “Like you do to me ALL THE TIME?”

  I moaned. “Yes. It kills me.”

  “It kills me, too, baby.”

  “I don’t want this – ”

  “UGH! Karina – ”

  “I don’t! I’m so scared – ”

  “Then stop kissing me.”

  “I can’t.”

  “Exactly. So shut up and let me love you.”

  “No. No!”

  “No?”

  “Yes.”

  “Yes?”

  “No!”

  “FUCK! Karina, I’m done with this.”

  “Don’t leave me!” I was frantic at the thought. I clutched onto him for dear life.

  “I’m going nowhere, baby. I’m taking your clothes off, and I’m going to fuck you till you stop saying all this crap.”


  “Matt…”

  “Wait till I’m inside you, baby. Then say my name.”

  “Oh God…”

  “I want to hear you,” he began taking all my clothes off, “scream. My. Name.”

  “Your parents – ”

  “I don’t GIVE A FUCK. I want you making SO MUCH NOISE. I fucking LOVE when you whimper – ”

  I was whimpering already.

  “I want you – ” he slid my bikini down my legs. “My God. I want you DAMN WELL CRYING with the pleasure of my cock inside you.”

  I was in such a state already. Shaking, whimpering, crying already. With the exquisite LONGING for him and this elusive LOVE.

  I’ve never needed anybody like I need him. His strength. His stableness.

  His love. What he can give me.

  He was all over me. Kissing, grabbing, sucking, licking. He made me feel like my body was a marvel. Like my body was precious.

  (for some reason I flash back to all the violence I’ve gone through, at the hands of men. Rick especially. All that blood, that night. I never flashed back to this with Evvy. Why with Matt? Why!)

  I don’t think my body has been precious to anyone else before. I started crying from that, alone. Let alone the exquisite torture he was putting me through.

  “Oh God – ”

  “What?”

  “Look at the size of that thing!”

  Matt laughed. “Close your eyes, if it helps.”

  “Matt?” He was crushing me to him.

  “Yes?”

  “You’re a fucking porn star.”

  He laughed some more. “Shut up and let me use it on you.”

  Hours, what FELT like hours, of the hottest sex later…

  I finally understand calling it ‘fucking’ and not making love.

  I’ve always called sex making love, yet no one has ever made love to me like he does.

  It’s fucking, but full of love. So much love I can barely stand it.

  It’s TORTUROUS. I want to do it ALWAYS.

  He was moving in and out of me. I was whimpering. I was clinging to him as he pounded me and kissed me and loved me with his body.

  I saw my Barbie watch as I pulled his hair…

  (he loves that)

  “Matt?”

  “What baby?”

  “It’s midnight.”

  We could hear the campgrounds suddenly come alive all around us, with chants, cheers, drunken celebrations.

  He kissed me and kept thrusting. “Happy New Year, baby,” he groaned against my mouth.

  Oh God. Please let this work.

  New Year’s morning began like the past couple – us in each other’s arms, touching, kissing, talking.

  We do a lot of talking. And kissing. I kinda really love it.

  “Who was he?” Matt asked as he kissed me.

  “He’s nobody, now.” Something felt very odd and untrue about my own statement. My heart did a little glitch. Over Everard.

  (I hadn’t wanted him gone, not by a long stretch. I wanted Ever SO MUCH it damn well fucking hurt…but he wanted to be gone. He did this to us. And now it’s too late)

  “What did you do together?”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Special moments, special places…??”

  I fell about laughing. “Are you kidding me! All we did was fuck.”

  Matt groaned. “Oh, Christ. That’s worse somehow.” He rubbed his heart, like it hurt. “For how long?”

  “Six months.”

  “SIX MONTHS?! You’ve been fucking this guy for SIX MONTHS! Why the fuck didn’t you COME TO ME??”

  “Oh just walk up to you and say, ‘Matt, please fuck me?’”

  “YES!!!”

  “Yeah right. I didn’t even know you LIKED me!”

  “I’m DEVASTATED you’ve been with this guy – ”

  “I’m not with him anymore. Was barely with him in the first place.”

  “What are you doing?”

  “Putting my clothes on!”

  Matt grabbed the shorts I was trying to put on while horizontal, and threw them away. “Matt!”

  “I love you naked. Don’t ever wear clothes again.” He pulled me back into his arms, and began squeezing and grabbing and putting his fingers everywhere.

  (and I mean everywhere)

  “I will love you – ”

  “GASP.”

  “ – three times a day – ”

  “Moan.”

  “ – so you never – ”

  “Groan.”

  “ – need to be with anyone else, ever again.”

  “Oh God.”

  “Now say my name – ”

  “Ohhhh…”

  “ – tell me who. You. WANT.”

  “Fuck! Matt!”

  “Say it again. Tell me AGAIN – ”

  “Keep doing that, OH YES!!”

  “Tell me, Karina. Tell me who you want fucking you – ”

  “Matt! MATT. I want YOU fucking me like this – ”

  “Fuck, I’m crazy about you – ”

  “Oh my God. MATT.”

  “Hmm…yeah?”

  “Keep fucking me.”

  “Like this?”

  “Fuck yeah.”

  “Baby. Ohhhh, baby…”

  “Matt?”

  “Yeah?”

  “I love you fucking me.” I screamed out as he fucked me harder. “Oh GOD OH GOD OH GOD!!!!”

  “Like this?”

  “Yes. Yes! YES.”

  “Hmmm. Hmmm. Ahhhh…”

  “FUCK, Karina…”

  “I don’t want…ahhh…you to ever stop – ”

  “Fuck, no. I will never stop – ”

  I dissolved in screams.

  “ – loving you. Like this.”

  Oh my God, I am in big trouble here. I have fallen so fucking hard.

  New Year’s Day, Andrew and Julia told us all they heard was a perfect mix of me giggling madly and screaming madly.

  That about sums up Matt and I in bed.

  Chapter 23

  NEW YEAR, NEW LOVE…NEW ISSUES

  Tuesday 2 January 2001

  7.42pm

  I’ve had a rough day. I feel like I need to be in a corner somewhere. Twitching.

  First day back at work, we only returned from our epic trip late yesterday arvo, and I woke up half an hour before I had to start. I had to leadfoot it there

  (so no different to usual),

  looking like shit, and unshowered.

  I worked 7 till 5.15pm, I was exhausted, Melissa was sick, and Jules was still on holidays.

  Great way to start the year at work.

  Plus I was all awkward at work, cause of Matt and I. I felt like EVERYONE knew we are now fucking each other.

  I was just STRESSED all day.

  And I was a coward, getting there at 6.58am and running up the front stairs instead of going through the warehouse and seeing Matt and Benny and everyone.

  I couldn’t face all the looks. Not from Matt

  (I LOVE the way he looks at me),

  but from everybody else.

  (like Benny, for example)

  Matt was upstairs in five seconds though, my Stella cd in his hand.

  I just died when I saw him come through the door. I’d heard the thumps on the stairs and knew it was him.

  I took one look at him and died. He’s gorgeous.

  “You look beautiful,” he said.

  “I look like shit,” I said.

  “Kiss me.”

  “Matt, no! We’re at work.”

  “You’re the only one in the office!” He kissed the top of my head though, and left me alone to freak out in private.

  He had lunch with me, though, and sat a respectable distance from me.

  Only cause I made him move over.

  “Matt!”

  “What?”

  “You’re too close to me!” He was practically in my lap. His arm was draped around the back of my chair.

&nb
sp; “What? I don’t see what’s wrong with this – ”

  “Matt…”

  “Okay, okay. I can see the hyperventilating about to happen.” He scooted his seat an inch away from me.

  I shooed him. “More.”

  “What?” He inched away more. “Better?”

  “Not really, but it’ll have to do.”

  Matt bit into his sandwich. “How about I just go sit outside? Like a dog? And stare at you through the glass?”

  Even talking with his mouth full, he was sexy. “God.”

  “What?” He dribbled food everywhere.

  “I’m finding you unbearably sexy right now.”

  Matt groaned. “You can’t keep DOING this!”

  “What?” I innocently unwrapped my, er, nothing. I had nothing to eat. I was too tired and the only staff member on in invoicing to go get anything.

  “Pushing me away, SHOVING me away would be more accurate, with one hand, then pulling me back in with the other!”

  “I’m sorry. I just don’t feel like being the talk of this place right now.”

  God, he was giving me those sapphire eyes of his. “Don’t you have anything to eat?”

  I sipped my Coke. “Can’t you tell by my hair that I fell out of bed moments before I had to start?”

  “No, I can’t tell. Your hair is beautiful.” He reached a hand out, and I slapped it away, super quick. Like a reflex action. Like super quick pink ninja. “Well, I WAS gonna say I want to fill my hands with your hair and pull. But I won’t now.”

  “I’m sorry. I think I’m suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I’m very jumpy. I’m sorry.”

  “You should be. That hurt.”

  “Oh no, did it really?”

  Matt grinned. “No. But I love your concern.” He held out half his sandwich. “Here. Eat this.”

  (he’s so damn sweet)

  “No, thank you. I’ll just sit here and die.”