Wednesday 10 January 2001
10.07pm
Matt and I went out to dinner tonight…to Panchos.
I always have the best time with him.
We did our usual can’t keep our hands off each other routine.
(better than my usual spew in Panchos routine)
It started in Panchos, continued in the park across from Panchos, then ended in Matt’s car.
It doesn’t get any easier for me. I’m just drowning more and more. I feel it.
Thursday 11 January 2001
7.24pm
Matt pushed me away tonight.
God, it kills!!
I knew this would happen! I knew we’d get to this point where he’d push me away and hurt me. I’ve spent all this time trying to keep him at arm’s length for a reason!
I’d left him at work, pleading I needed some alone time
(he totally doesn’t get my need to just have an alone night, a night to myself now and then! Frustrates me. I need it, to read, to write in my diary, to chill, to recollect myself, to pick myself back off the fucking ground from how completely broken I am, to comfort myself),
then he rang here, and he was all, “Maybe we need to stop seeing each other until you’re ready.”
“What?”
“I don’t want to talk about it, I think it just needs to be done – ”
“So you want to stop being with me – ”
“I don’t want to talk about it, I just want to do it.”
“I knew you’d do this, Matt!”
“Do what?”
“Hurt me! Crush me! Not be able to fucking handle me!”
“Can ANYBODY fucking handle you, Karina?”
“I KNEW you’d fucking hurt me – ”
“I don’t want to hurt you! I want to fucking love you forever – ”
“It doesn’t sound like it!”
“You’re the one who’s done this, Karina! MADE us like this – ”
I hung up on him .
Monday 15 January 2001
10.20pm
So Friday, the day after that phone call, Matt and I spent lunch together in the downstairs kitchen, like we seem to be doing lately.
(the din seems to have died down a bit over us)
Matt acted like he’d said absolutely nothing to completely destroy me the night before.
“You’re coming to Gemma’s twenty-first with me tomorrow night,” he just announced as we ate lunch together in the kitchen.
“Oh, I am?”
“Yes. You are.” He paused to eat. “And you’re spending the whole weekend with me, at mine.”
“Is this your idea of us stopping being together?” I asked.
Matt looked grumpy. “Yeah, well. That lasted five seconds.”
I gave him a look.
“Don’t look at me like that,” he growled.
“Like what?”
“All seductive like. Save it for tomorrow.”
“I love how you basically dump me then demand I be with you the next – ”
“I tried, I really did.”
“To shake yourself loose of me?”
“Yeah. There’s no doing that. I am your fucking dog, Karina.”
“Don’t say that, Matt – ”
“Well, what would you call me?? The way I’m treated? The way I act?”
“The guy I’m madly,” I started coughing, uncontrollably. “Madly…madly…”
“Don’t hurt yourself trying to get loving words out, Karina.”
(oh my fucking God. I’m Everard. I’m Everard in this relationship)
He softened towards me. “I also couldn’t pass up the opportunity of you being drunk and vulnerable at Gemma’s. My bed’s gonna get a workout tomorrow night!”
“Maybe I won’t go – ”
“Don’t you dare threaten that crap!”
“Maybe I won’t drink then. Stay stable and sober.”
“Now you’re just frightening me – ”
“Be all responsible and grown up – ”
“I won’t know who you are then – ”
“You need something done to you, for last night.”
Matt leaned in close, put his arm around the back of my chair. “Baby, you get me back – FOR OTHER GUYS’ FUCK UPS – each and every day of my life. Give me a pass for last night. Please.”
I considered it.
(damn his logic!)
“Okay then. You get me. And you get me drunk and vulnerable – ”
“YES!! I fucking LOVE YOU drunk and vulnerable. It’s the only time you let your defenses down.”
Saturday saw Matt wake me up, and cuddle me in bed. Jules arrived just as Matt started stripping off all my clothes.
“No,” he started groaning. “No no no no NO!”
“Isn’t it supposed to be screams of yes from in there?” Julia called out.
“Did you plan this?” he accused me.
“No,” I laughed.
The three of us grabbed lunch at Subway, then saw the 2pm session of ‘What Women Want.’
I bawled my bloody eyes out in the movie. The ONLY one who did. So embarrassing.
There’s a bit where Mel Gibson goes to Helen Hunt, something about because of her ex being stupid, she’s scared to love. I felt Matt turn to me in that scene, and I literally burst into tears.
“Aw, K,” Jules murmured/laughed, patting my back.
“Come here, baby,” Matt said gruffly, and pulled me to him. I sobbed into his chest. In a romantic comedy. In a Mel Gibson movie.
I think I need therapy.
“Save the mental breakdown for later,” Matt growled into my ear. “For when I can make sweet love to you. And fuck you, too.”
When we got back home, Mark and Josie were here.
It was kind of awkward. Matt and I stumbled in the door, arm in arm, pissing ourselves laughing over something, then I spotted Mark and Josie and stopped laughing in an instant and froze.
Just cause they were a reminder of Everard.
You could tell Mark and Josie were impressed by Matt
(Karina’s got a hot guy! A nice guy! That loves her, actually loves her!)
and really happy for me, and feeling disloyal to their best mate Ever, that his girl
(ha! What a joke. I was never his girl)
had moved on so quickly from him.
It was just a bit weird.
Except Mark came up to me in the kitchen, checked behind his shoulder that Matt was busy playing Playstation with Dan, and said, “Evvy’s a dick for how he treated you, Karina. I’m so glad to see you happy with this guy. Evvy never deserved you. You were always too good for him, Karina.”
I reached out and hugged him. Choked on a sob. “Thank you, Mark. I miss you guys.”
Mark hugged me back gruffly. “We miss you, too. Tom especially misses you. He doesn’t stop talking about you to Ever. Telling him how badly he fucked up with you.”
Oh God. I want to marry Tom Richards right now.
He always had my back.
My heart hurts. I miss the Scooby Gang.
Nat had her kayak box out on the floor in the kitchen for some reason. Jules and I took one look at each other and jumped into it.
We were in stiches as we kayaked around the kitchen floor. Or pretended to.
“These two get around each other and go completely nuts,” Matt laughed, watching us.
Julia and I continued our fun-loving antics and girlish laughing and giggling together at Gemma’s. We had a great time.
And Matt and I were our usual loving selves, like we are everywhere but at work during the week. I seem to be calm on weekends and holidays with Matt, and freak out when it’s our every day life and working life and trying to handle him and a full-on relationship on top of working.
I seem to have figured that out…but how do I survive it now? Being alone is my comfort at the end of the day. It’s how I make it through life.
But Matt is rapidly becoming someone I need ve
ry badly.
We made love all night after Gemma’s. We couldn’t get enough of each other.
“I love you like this,” Matt said, kissing me, exploring me.
“Like what?”
“With me, properly.”
“Oh, God – ”
“I heard that guy today,” he said, kissing my neck, my jaw, my lips.
I groaned and clung to him. “What guy?”
“Mark, is it?”
“How did you HEAR him? From the lounge room?”
“Boyfriend ears. I hear and see everything.”
“I don’t think most boyfriends are this in tune to everything their girlfriend does…”
“They are if their girlfriend keeps them on their toes as much as you do me!” He crushed himself to me and kissed me senseless.
“Oh God, Matt – ” He’d thrust himself inside me.
“Sounds like he was in love with you – ”
“What?”
“This Evvy guy. He was in love with you.”
“Definitely NOT. That’s the biggest understatement of the year – ”
“I can tell. He was. Is.”
“Can we please not talk about him? Like ever again?”
“It’s just not possible to not be in love with you. Is all I’m saying.”
“Ah, tell that to the guys who BEAT ME – ”
“Oh God, I can’t handle even THINKING ABOUT THAT – ”
“Long as you love me,” I gasped.
“I love you more than air.”
Saturday 20 January 2001
12.55pm
I’ve either stayed at Matt’s every night this week, or he’s stayed here.
We had dinner with Beth Monday night
(Matt brought me flowers his mum had made – yes, she’s a florist. I know. I know. The universe can’t give me any more signs that Matt is perfect for me. It will start landing bricks on my head soon, if I don’t wise up),
then went to Gemma’s for a BBQ with Andrew and Seth Tuesday night. Wednesday night I was back at Matt’s. Thursday night I was back at Matt’s.
(why don’t I just move in??)
And Friday night, Jules and I drove down the coast after work and spent Friday night staying with Joy and Isaac and Pheebs at John Cash’s unit.
We had such a great time.
The four of us went to Shooters, and danced and drank there. Then, at 12.30 in the morning¸ we sat down in a restaurant and had a meal!
Only in Surfers Paradise! I love Surfers. It was like daytime there in the middle of the night, all these people wandering around, everything lit up.
As were were walking through Surfers after dinner, we were all laughing so hard, at all the wolf whistles and beeps we were getting.
“I think they’re for Isaac,” I cracked, and Joy said, “No, they’re for you two gorgeous things!”
Then the heavens suddenly opened on us, and we ran screaming and laughing through Surfers to Joy’s car.
WAS SO FUN!!
We all had hot showers once we got back to the unit, and Jules and I jumped into our pajamas and jumped into bed together.
It was still raining. Was heaven, being in this stunning penthouse type unit while it poured down.
With Julia! I love her.
We left the balcony doors open, so we could feel and smell the rain.
Today Jules and I went to the secondhand bookstore at Nobby’s Beach, then drove home.
(I drove Matt’s car down there. I love having him as a boyfriend!!! When I’m not freaking out)
Matt rang Julia on her mobile
(yes, I left mine at home. I will never learn)
and said, “When’s my girl coming home?”
Julia laughed. “Are you wanting your girl or your car home?”
“I couldn’t give a FUCK about my car! I just want my girl.”
Jules got off the phone, laughing. “He loves you sooo much.”
I feel loved. It feels great!!
Today.
Monday 22 January 2001
Saturday arvo, Matt and I went and saw the 4.45pm session of ‘Blair Witch 2.’
Ugh. It was awful. Put me in such a bad mood. I could feel myself getting grumpier and grumpier and tireder and tireder.
These are the times when people need to run from me. When I need my bed.
After a perfect week together, sleeping in each other’s beds wrapped in each other’s arms every single night barr Friday…
We fell apart Saturday night.
He made me cry.
I made him cry.
It was awful.
He got upset cause I was TOO TIRED to go to Andrew’s for drinks. I’d barely slept the night before. I was worn out.
“You can go, without me!”
“I don’t want to go without you!”
“I’ve been PERFECT, all week – ”
(oh my fucking God. I sound like EVERARD. Now I suddenly find myself with a bit of sympathy for the fucker)
“ – I’ve been with you every night, I’ve kept my freakouts to a minimum – ”
“So you have to have one fucking now?”
“No!”
“You can’t go ONE FUCKING WEEK without pushing me away – ”
“That’s NOT TRUE – ”
“ – and trying to FUCKING SABOTAGE THIS, so that I break up with you!” Matt choked up. I burst into tears. “Oh, go on! Tell me that’s not what you do!”
I snatched the blanket back off him, covered myself up. “Then why don’t you just break up with me then, Matt!”
“You’d like that, I think!”
“You’d be happier without me, I think!”
Matt crumpled. “No. That’s not true.”
“You’re so unhappy with me – ”
“Not all the time – ”
“MOST of the time.”
“No! We had a great week together! I just want you in my arms every night!”
“You can’t flip out cause I want one night to myself!”
“Yes. I CAN – ”
“I don’t even WANT the night to myself, I just don’t want you to miss out on going to Andrew’s!”
“But you actually do! You’d be quite happy if I left now!”
“No, I wouldn’t!”
(when the sad truth was, I probably would have been. Just to be alone)
Matt threw the quilt back, stood up and got dressed in a hurry.
“Matt, don’t leave – ”
“I’m just so done with you hurting me right now.”
I cried harder. “What about what you’re doing to me?”
“I’m trying to LOVE YOU!”
“Then FUCKING LOVE ME!”
“I need to just GO right now – ”
“Matt, don’t go, PLEASE don’t go – ”
(I’d never begged a guy to stay before. If they want to leave, fucking leave is my normal mentality)
He was gone, half dressed.
I cried for hours.
Matt woke me Sunday morning. He burst in
(like the tornado he is)
closed my door, and started stripping while I watched, on one elbow, rubbing sleep from my eyes.
“I want to be naked with you,” he said softly, climbing in beside me.
(I was still naked from the night before with him)
He wrapped me in his arms and kissed me. “Baby, I’m so sorry for last night. I just lost it for a bit there – ”
“Me, too. I’m sorry I’m like this – ”
“Shh, baby, don’t cry again. I can’t bear when you
cry – ”
“I just don’t want to be like this!”
“Don’t, don’t. I’m here.”
“Are you?”
“OF COURSE. How can you ask me that?”
“You left last night – ”
“I am all here, baby. I just get so hurt sometimes. Especially when you push me away all the time – ”
“I don’t mean to – ”
“I know, baby. I know. It just hurts so much to love
you – ”
“I love you, Matt.”
“And then you be like this, and I fall apart. I need to fuck you.”
“I need you to fuck me, Matt – ”
“At least twice…”
“Ohhh, yessss…”
“Maybe three times.”
“Karina?”
“Hmm?”
“I love you.”
“I love you, too. So fucking much.”
Matt groaned. “Fuck, I can’t get enough of you – ”
“Hmm, oh! Oh yeah, do that again baby…”
“Should we finally get up?”
“Hmmmm…no.”
“Matt?”
“What, baby?”
“Why can’t it just always be like this between us?”
“It is, when we’re together.”
“Until my freak outs.”
“I think as long as my dick’s in you, you’re not freaking out.”
“Ha ha! MATT.”
“What! It’s true! You’re fine when I’m fucking you.”
“Oh God, is that true?”
“Yes, sweetheart. It is.”
“Oh man. I have problems.”
“Little bit.”
“Ugh. What is WRONG with me??”
“Nothing, baby. I love how you are. Does something to me, that’s for sure.”
“SIGH.”
“I don’t mind having to be the one that settles you with my cock – ”
“I love how you talk…”
“Ha! How do I talk??”
“So dirty like – ”
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