“Do I?”
“God, yeah. Drives me crazy.”
“Karina?”
“Hmm?”
“Come sit on my hard dick again.”
“Oh, God…YES.”
I made him get in the car, eventually, and surprised him with a picnic at Sherwood Arboretum.
I haven’t been there since, after THAT night, and black and blue, Nat and Dan took me there, to cheer me up.
Like they were taking the crippled victim out of the mental asylum for the day.
(I love that they did that for me that day, took me out. But I hate how they tiptoed around me, like I was some fragile creature. I hate that. I don’t want to BE this fragile victim)
Matt loved it. His whole face lit up when I drove us into the carpark for the Arboretum, and fetched the picnic basket out of the boot.
Breaks my heart to see him so happy.
I wish I could always make him happy. But I have a sinking feeling I can’t.
Was funny at the picnic. I’d done a very dodgy job of putting together a picnic. Matt took one bite of his bread roll I’d made and went, “It’s truly amazing how you can fuck up slapping ham on a roll.”
I laughed. “Shut up!!”
“This is awful, baby. In the best possible way.”
We had a great day. Romantic, fun…
We had the picnic, then drove back here, swapped cars, and Matt drove us back to his place. We spent time with Matt’s grandmother
(oh God, I love ALL of his family. I want to be a PART of his family),
and lounged around the back yard for a bit together.
Then we went for a drive, ending up at Cleveland. I showed Matt Dad’s boat, then we sat on the water’s edge. Matt suddenly ran off at one point, and came back ten minutes later with a bottle of pink champagne that we drank straight from the bottle.
Aww. My champagne on the water moment with a guy that loves me.
Matt is giving me THE DREAM.
My favourite thing in the world is to sit in the sun, near the water, and drink champagne. How does he know that?
We talked about everything as we sat there – our lives, our futures. We planned our trip to Astoria, Oregon (home of The Goonies!!!).
And Matt said, “I’ll propose to you there.”
I want it all so bad it hurts. I want him, and the life he can give me, so bad it cripples me.
Why do I flip out then?? Why?? Why!!!
I hate myself for it.
Then we had to pick up Matt’s brother, take him back to mine, so that Todd could drive Matt’s car home and Matt drove mine, so that Matt and I both had our Commodores at his, cause I was staying the night and we both start at different times this week.
Was so funny, they were dragging each other in the two Commodores!
Of course, Todd won in Matt’s car, cause it’s just got more guts than mine. Has a more powerful engine.
Matt was spewing.
Then we had dinner with his family, which I love doing…I think it’s fast becoming one of my favourite things in the world – sitting down to dinner with Matt’s family. I love it.
I love them!
It must be so nice to have this stable family…yeah, Dad’s always been stable for us growing up, but he’s a workaholic, and we never had real sit down dinners like this, like Matt’s family do, like it’s a special event.
The cozy unit they present, that’s what I love. The stable mother figure, the parents still together and in love. That was missing from my life.
IS missing from my life.
I want to BELONG somewhere. To feel like I belong with a family, a guy. A boyfriend.
To feel loved.
I’m rootless. I’m like a balloon someone let the string go, floating through life with no one keeping a hold of me.
I want someone to hold that string. To love me. To fit in with someone, be one half of someone.
Yet, I get boxed in. I’m a loner, deep down, a free spirit. Despite my party personality, I also need to be alone A LOT, more than is considered normal.
How does a person like me BE in a family? Like this one?? How do I be with a man as loving and nurturing and protective as Matt?
After dinner, Matt and I showered, and fell into his bed, and made hot love and watched ‘Grease’ together.
I think it was the first time I really felt relaxed, staying over at Matt’s. I was just so comfortable and relaxed.
Maybe it’s just a mindset? Re my freak outs?
Chapter 25
SETTLING INTO THIS LOVE SHIT LIKE A PINK BOSS
Tuesday 23 January 2001
7.12pm
Sick. Exhausted. Stayed home from work and watched Moonlighting all day and slept.
Matt brought me round dinner, then left when he saw the mood I was in.
Smart boy. He’s learning!
Everard rang for Dan, and when he got me, he put on this horrible voice.
(horrible, horrible, oh I hate him)
“Is Clewsy there?”
“No, he’s not – ”
“Can you tell him I called please?”
(oh God, the tone of his voice he used on me. It killed me all over again)
“Sure.”
“Can you actually get that right, without fucking it up?”
Oh, he was still mad.
Was like a knife to my heart, him treating me like this, when I stuck around for six months, waiting for him to love me.
I was not going to give him the satisfaction of reacting to him. That’s what he wanted, he wanted to upset me, to hurt me, to have me snap back, and I wasn’t going to give it to him. “Sure, Everard,” I replied sweetly.
He made a noise, like a snort, and hung up.
Bastard.
Sunday 28 January 2001
5.24pm
I’m home, in bed. In my favourite place on earth.
Just got back from the coast with Matt. We had such a great time.
Why can’t Matt and I just be on permanent holiday together? It’s all so perfect when we’re away together. Even on weekends together.
I seem to struggle with the week days though. The every day life and a relationship. It all gets too much for me.
Thursday at work just couldn’t pass fast enough.
And everyone officially knows about Matt and I now.
Apparently, they knew about us AGES ago.
(before I even knew about us!)
It started with Angela Jones ringing me to give me her orders, then right at the end of the call, she went, “So, Pinky. I hear you’re with Matt!”
And I spluttered for a bit, then Angela said, “As long as he’s everything on your list that you created, for your perfect man!”
I practically hyperventilated. My list! That list Angela instructed me to write!
I thought back to the list, and thought the only thing Matt doesn’t have is
(Benny’s)
height. Like ridiculously tall height, romance hero tall height.
(Benny tall)
But how beautiful that most of that list has come true??
Then John Cash called out, “ You having tomorrow off, Pinky? I see you’re down for a holiday day here!”
“Yes, John,” I called back. “Going on holiday for a few days.”
“Check who else is down for a holiday day tomorrow!” Gerry yelled from his office next to John’s. Then he chuckled evilly.
Oh God. I watched through the glass part of my partition at John looking at his list. “Matt Johnson!!” he suddenly yelled, astonished.
“Matt Johnson!” DY yelled out, on cue.
(oh, those bastards so had that all planned out)
Daryl Agnew’s head picked up from where he’d been sitting. “Matt fucking Johnson!!”
“Matt Johnson and Pinky, both having holiday days tomorrow,” John Cash said, coming out of his office, and leaning against Renee’s desk. “This is really FASCINATING.”
Renee and Gerry started laughing
. So did half the office.
“Don’t worry, Pinky, we already knew,” laughed Gerry. “We just wanted to know when you were gonna fess up about it.”
Nothing is sacred in this office. Including my love life.
Matt and I arrived at the beach house at Mermaid Beach about 6.45pm. We stayed with his cousin, Melanie, her fiancé Paul, and their baby, Tyler, who I completely fell in love with!!
I love babies!!
Matt and I got spiffed up, and walked hand in hand in the beautiful balmy beach evening to Oasis. We were mucking around and laughing on the walk there.
So fun. So romantic.
I started twirling around a street sign
(I see a pole and I take my opportunity to twirl, I can’t help myself)
but got my heel stuck and landed flat on my butt.
Matt laughed his ass off. Was doubled over on the sidewalk, clutching his stomach.
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up!” I laughed. Still on the ground.
“Oh my God…HAHAHAHAHA…you haven’t even had anything to DRINK YET!” He grabbed me under my armpits and hauled me back up. “That was so FUCKING FUNNY!”
“I got my HEEL STUCK! Otherwise it would’ve been VERY SEXY – ”
“BAHAHAHAHA I bet!”
“It WOULD HAVE BEEN!”
“You’ve gotta give up this twirling round poles bit you do. Before you break a leg!”
“Or my ass again!”
Oh God, we laughed the whole way. We were having so much fun together. I love him. I love the fun we have.
We had dinner at an Italian restaurant, Palatino’s. Matt looked so sexy all dressed up, at a beautiful restaurant, sitting outside in the balmy night, the candles flickering in the sea air.
He just looked so fucking hot!
“I love the way you’re looking at me tonight,” he said, as we drank and ate delicious food.
“You just look SO HOT, I can barely deal with it.”
He laughed. “I love when you’re like this.”
“Like what?”
“All relaxed and loving.”
“The coast calms me down.”
“I know. I love it. Maybe we need to move here.”
Then we walked back to the beach house and drank for a bit with his cousin and partner, before going to bed and doing our usual fuck/love making session.
“It’s so nice here, isn’t it?” I asked from my favourite spot. His arms.
Matt kissed my forehead and cuddled me to him. “I love it. I want a place like this, with you.”
“God, yeah. Would be magical.”
“Everything’s magical with you.”
“I love being in your arms, Matt. Feels like I belong here.”
“You do.”
“I hope it’s always like this.”
“It will be, baby. If you let it.”
“I’m trying.”
“I know you are, baby.”
“Matt?”
“Yes?”
“Don’t leave me.”
“I won’t, baby.”
“I mean, when I push you away. Don’t leave me.”
“I won’t, baby.”
“Keep a hold of me, Matt. Don’t let me go.”
“I won’t let you go, baby.”
“Promise me?”
“I promise. Sounds like I need to do what I just did to you again.”
Friday I sunbaked on the beach, reading Christina Skye. Matt brought me lunch and champagne after a couple of hours, then we went swimming together, and frolicking in the waves.
Matt kept chasing after me, and dunking me in the water. I kept trying to trip him up and dunk him, but I kept falling on my ass instead.
“You’ll never get me, ha ha! Give up!” Matt laughed, as I tried to run at him, grab him round the waist, and try to unfoot him.
But I just ended up twirling round him like a pole, then landing on my ass in the water.
“Hey, watch out, babe, there’s a big wave coming,” Matt called out as I floated in the water.
Too late. I tried to swim to shore quickly, but got dunked.
It was like something from a movie. The wave broke right on my head, then I stumbled out of the water to the wind picking up, and a spray of sand hit me full in the face. THEN, while I squinted from eyes full of sand, I tripped over a rock and fell on my face.
Matt laughed and laughed. “People need to follow you around with a camera,” he cacked. “This shit you do is FUNNY.”
Was ages before I could see again. I had so much sand in my eyes.
We drank all Friday afternoon, then had a sleep together, and wandered back down to the beach at sunset with champagne. Matt had me wrapped in his arms as I sat between his legs.
I felt so safe with him. Like everything is going to be okay.
I love being in his arms. I love the safety his arms give me. I love twining my fingers through his and staring at his hands. His forearms. I love the way he uses his hands on me. That’s the sexiest.
After sunset champagne, we wandered over to Pacific Fair and saw the 6.45pm session of ‘Castaway.’
I love that movie! Matt loved it, too. He bounced all the way home, non-stop talking about it.
Saturday we drove to Coolangatta and searched secondhand bookstores for me.
(bought a few Christina Skyes)
Then we sat around on the beach house’s verandah, drinking.
Nat and Dan drove down that arvo, hung out with us.
(I think my sister was missing me. We’re like ships passing in the night SINCE I GOT MYSELF A REAL BOYFRIEND)
They left after lunch, and Matt and I continued our sitting around with Melanie and Paul and drinking session. I curled up with a book for most of the afternoon and night, and fell asleep reading in bed.
Today Matt’s mum came down, spent time with us, drank pink champagne with me.
(I LOVE HER!)
Then Lachie, Melinda and their friend Phil rocked up.
When Lachie and Melinda show up, they just make everything fun! We all went a bit stupid, mucking around, then went to HJ’s at Broadbeach, where we acted stupid some more.
I’ve missed Lachie and Melinda. I miss hearing their constant laughing, and especially Melinda’s special scream/laugh.
They’re such happy, fun people.
Matt and I headed home about 4.30pm, and I showered and fell into bed.
I turned into one of my famous moods. “You deserve better than me,” I said to him from his arms.
“I deserve you,” he corrected me.
“You so don’t – ”
“I do, baby.”
“I’m sorry for the way I am.”
“I love the way you are.”
Does he?? Does he really??
Tuesday 30 January 2001
8.53pm
Work was good today. Daryl Young was on the road with Jenny, helping her increase her sales, so when she rang, she immediately went, “Pinky, I can’t talk today, hahahaha, cause I’ve got Daryl Young with me – ”
“Love you, Pinky!” DY yelled out.
“Love you, too, DY!!” I shouted.
Everyone in the office paused to glance at me.
“I’ll let Matt know,” Gerry joked.
Jessica Jenkins was in the office this arvo, and made me laugh and laugh. The girls were so jealous Jess spent so long chatting to me and laughing with me.
Then I fixed up something for Angela Jones with a salon, and Angela came in and came over to me and said, “Pinky, I REALLY appreciate what you did, you really saved my ass, and went above and beyond for me! I appreciate it so much!”
“No worries, Ange,” I replied, beaming.
(I kinda live for pleasing the reps, helping the reps, doing anything for the reps. I love them)
Matt blasted into my room after work, and picked me up and threw us both down onto the bed. “Fuck you looked so hot today. I’ve wanted to jump you all day – ”
We spent the night doing
what we do best.
Wednesday 31 January 2001
10.03pm
Got my Lachie and Melinda fix tonight. Had dinner at theirs.
I miss Matt. Terribly.
It’s awful seeing him all day and not being able to be in his arms.
Thursday 1 February 2001
10.04pm
It’s been pouring since lunch time. It’s beautiful. Perfect bed weather.
Love rainy days. Don’t get many of them in sunny Queensland.
Damn perfect weather.
I went to Cannon Hill at lunch, and as I walked to the car, the heavens opened up with a terrifying crack, and a deluge was unleashed on me. I was soaked.
I ran into the warehouse, squealing.
“Get a bit wet, Pinky?” Benny laughed.
Matt took one look at me and laughed. “You look adorable.”
Oh God, in that moment all I wanted was him to pull me into his arms. I had to drag myself past his workbench.
After work, we walked to our cars, and Matt couldn’t help himself, he picked me up and twirled me round and round and kissed me. “You look more and more beautiful each day.”
“I wanted to be in your arms all day,” I said against his mouth. My feet were still off the ground, and we were kissing madly.
“Things are changing,” he murmured. “You’re letting me do this to you at work.”
Hmm. I am. I’m relaxing into this.
It feels fucking great.
Saturday 4 February 2001
7.59pm
Eyes are closing on their own. Will write tomorrow.
I miss Matt TERRIBLY.
Shampoo Page 45
