(was just like a romantic movie)
All the girls were so jealous of my flowers, everyone kept coming over to smell them and read the card and grab my wrist while I was on the phone or trying to type.
(holy fuck! I should’ve got Joy something. And Julia! I only thought of Tee and Nat. God, I’m awful)
Matt and I drove back to his, and I pretended to be the obedient girlfriend
(haha! Hahahahahahahahaha. World’s funniest joke there),
since it was Valentine’s Day and all, and drove behind him the whole way.
(I actually strangely found it incredibly sexy driving behind his Commodore, following him)
Not one roar off or burnout or tire spin or mad corner at dangerous speed.
I pulled around him at set of lights, and Matt said, “What’s up with you, baby?”
“Just letting you take the lead,” I replied sweetly.
Matt laughed. “Oh, SURE!! Now I KNOW something’s fucking up now!”
But no roaring off by me. I gestured, like ‘you go first, dear,’ and Matt laughed again, shaking his head and took off.
I even hung back as we neared his house, let myself fall back, out of his rearview mirror.
I waited for that corner that turns into his street, watched as he’d just turned into his street, then fucking floored it. Roared off, came speeding down his street and overtook him.
Me first. At his place!
Matt just rolled his eyes as he got out his car, parked behind me. “I was waiting for it.”
“Oh sure!!”
“I was! No way were you just going to go ONE WHOLE DRIVE without being an irresponsible HOON. You’re gonna blow that engine one day.”
He helped me carry my gigantic flowers inside, then we went for a walk at dusk, which was strangely romantic, being Valentine’s Day and all.
(anything with Matt is romantic though. He turns it into romance. I love that about him!)
We kept kissing while we walked and Matt kept lifting me up and twirling me around.
We seem to turn anything into fun. Going for a walk becomes THE MOST FUN EVER!
When we returned from World’s Most Romantic Walk, we sat around with his parents, drinking Scotch.
I love those moments. I love these moments with his family. I feel like I belong, like I found my spot.
We had a beautiful, romantic, double date dinner with his parents, then Matt and I came to bed.
The way Matt took my clothes off last night…the way he kissed me.
Something was very, I don’t know. Special, romantic, even more loving than usual.
We took our love to another level, AGAIN.
I didn’t think that was possible.
Then in the morning, I was all ready, showered, dressed, hair and make up done, had to leave in five minutes, and Matt just grabbed me and threw me back on the bed.
For a quickie.
Saturday 17 February 2001
8.00pm
After work yesterday, Matt came to mine, looking so fucking spunky.
He always looks so fucking hot when he dresses up and we go out, and I really can’t understand it, cause it’s not like guys put make up on or do their hair any different.
All they do is put clothes on.
So how do they look so hot just doing that?
Why? Why?? I’m confused!! It’s like some magical thing happens.
(wish it were that easy for women)
He looked HOT.
I just had to keep telling him.
We walked to the bus stop in Moorooka, caught a bus into the city.
I kept going, “Matt…”
“Yes?”
“You look so hot tonight.”
And he’d laugh and kiss me.
As we walked arm in arm into Friday’s
(I love that, I love how I have a guy I LOVE wrapped around me when I walk into clubs now. All those times, hundreds, thousands, of times clubbing, hoping to meet Mr Right and coming home bitterly disappointed. But now here he is, his arms around me. It’s like a special fuck you to all those times before),
I looked up at him and said, “Matt? You look fucking hot tonight.”
And he laughed and kissed me as the bouncer tried to stamp our hands.
Then during dinner, “Matt?”
He was already laughing, and looking at me with his I love you eyes.
(oh God, I love when he looks at me like that)
“What??” He laughed.
“You look so hot tonight.”
Lachie laughed so hard. “You two are sickening.”
So yes, we met Paul and Anita, Little Jonny, Melissa and Nathan, Ryan, Nat and Dan
(yes, the old fogies were there),
Lachie and Benny
(I just coupled them off, ha ha),
and Terry and her husband.
So most of the warehouse crew.
Melinda couldn’t go, but I spoke to her during the day.
We had a big table, and we all had dinner together and drank.
I was just getting started
(“I can see the evil glint in her eyes, once she hits that spot,” Lachie teased.
“Things are about to be danced on and fire alarms set off,” added Benny.
“Hey, that last fire alarm was him!” I laughed, pointing to Lach),
when Matt piked. He wanted to go home.
I was all, “What! Oh no, PUH-LEASE!! I’ve only had ten drinks – ”
But no go. He wanted to go.
And since he’s so perfect all the time, I felt I’d better be a good girlfriend.
(for once)
Everyone gave me so much shit when I stood up with Matt, throwing things at me and booing, crying,
“Oh, the party girl is the first to leave??”
“The All-Night Partier, LEAVING NOW???”
“What is up WITH THIS SHIT!!”
“It’s a world gone mad!”
“Your SISTER’S STILL HERE, for Christ’s sake!!”
“Yeah, you’re fucking leaving before Nanna Nat!”
Oh, God, it never ended.
“Shut up, the lot of you!” I cried. “I have a boyfriend now!”
“Boo, boo!!”
“Go home with your BOYFRIEND then!”
“Pinky the Piker!!!”
Kinda grates on my nerves I have to be this different person at times, just cause I have a boyfriend now.
“I can’t believe you managed to get out the word boyfriend to everybody then,” Matt said as we walked to the cab rank. “I’m impressed. No hives or choking or anything. Just ‘boyfriend’!”
“Matt?”
“What?”
“You look so hot tonight.”
He was already kissing me and laughing. “I am going to make it up to you in SO MANY WAYS that we left early,” he promised.
And he did. For hours and hours.
Being in bed with him IS way better than being the all-night party girl.
Much more satisfying.
Today I visited Tee, had breakfast with her.
Then came back to Matt still here, and we went and got Red Rooster and came back home and veged.
We had the BIGGEST TICKLE FIGHT EVER
(like EVER…with things knocked over and broken…Nat is SO GONNA KILL ME when she discovers her precious blue vase is broken),
and I got Matt so good
(AHAHAHAHAHA, I’m hysterical just writing this)
he fell off the couch and landed on one of Nat’s HUGE
(I’m talking VW Beetle sized)
pillows on the floor, then slid off that backwards and landed on his head, his feet in the air!!!
I laughed for like twenty minutes. I couldn’t stop. I was like, “Make it stop, make it stop, I CAN’T STOP LAUGHING!!!!”
And then after I finally settled down, I grabbed a glass of water, just sat down next to him, was gulping…
And made the mistake of looking at him. All I could see was him landing on his h
ead, his feet in the air…
HAHAHAHAHA!!!
… and I tried, I really tried, to swallow that water and keep it in. But I spat it out in a big ‘pffffft’ burst, and Matt copped it right in the face.
(about time males copped something in the face)
Oh my God, we were hysterical for like an hour.
We saw the 1.30pm session of ‘The Family Man,’ and I bawled everywhere. Like fucking sobbed my heart out bawling.
“Think we’re going to have to choose movies more carefully,” Matt announced from behind the wheel of his car. “You’re a mess in anything romantic. Even funny movies, you find something to cry about. If all we saw were horrors, you’d cry for all the dead people.”
“What does that leave?” I pondered, sniffling.
“Shit. It leaves shit movies.”
Oh he’s so funny at times. ALL the time. I find him funny, even though he’s not particularly comedic.
Sunday 18 February 2001
6.50pm
Sick again. Had a big day with Matt’s parents, but I loved it. Had a great time.
Matt and I went to his parents’ mates’ place, Robert and Teressa, and met up with Terry and Maureen, who were at Wooli with us, and Julie and Wayne, who are so lovely. Then we all drove down to Sanctuary Cove in one car and went to George’s Paragon Restaurant.
Oh my God, the best food.
All us ladies drank champagne with strawberries, and had the best time.
I had the Chicken Oskar, and, I swear, it’s the best thing I’ve ever tasted in my life. It was chicken in a hazelnut and Frangelico sauce.
We walked around Sanctuary Cove, walking our lunch off, and checking out all the boats. Matt and I were doing our usual twirling and running around things, chasing each other, being silly, laughing, carrying on.
Then I just got overwhelmed. I don’t know what it was, but I just started thinking he’s too good for me, his family is too good for me, I’m a nobody, with no money, nothing, forever rootless.
And he’s SO GOOD.
I just wanted to hide then. I didn’t feel attractive, I didn’t feel lovable, or good enough for him or that I could really be loved by him the way I am now
(even though I am)
and I had a total fucking flip out. Once we were back at Matt’s, I wouldn’t even let him make love to me.
(things are dire then, when I don’t want to drink or fuck)
I just got up and left. I seriously did. I just got up and walked out.
Matt didn’t take it too well. He rang me tonight, and absolutely lost it at me.
“WHAT the FUCK, was that about?”
How do I even explain it, when I don’t even really now myself? How do I explain to someone who’s always had that stable love in his life, the stable upbringing, how do I explain to someone like him that I’m just not lovable?
“You fucking ROARED out of here – ”
“Even FOR YOU, that was fucking FULL ON – ”
“I was SO FUCKING WORRIED you were going to crash that fucking car of yours, the way you fucking left here – ”
“Let alone WHY THE FUCK are you having a freak out NOW anyway!”
“Everything has been FUCKING GREAT! Why the fucking escape attempt now!!! FUCKING NOW!!! Why??”
“You know what, Karina? I feel like I just can’t fucking deal with it anymore – ”
“You are just KILLING ME. YOU KILLED ME THIS ARVO!!!”
“I just can’t even deal with you anymore – ”
Finally, I spoke. “You promised, Matt,” I managed to splutter through the tears.
“What?”
“You FUCKING PROMISED!!”
“Oh, you’re unbelievable!”
“ – you wouldn’t let go of me!”
“YOU MAKE IT SO FUCKING HARD TO HOLD ONTO YOU!!” he screamed.
He hung up!! He hung up!!
Not sure I’ve ever cried so hard in my life before.
And I’ve cried A LOT.
Monday 19 February 2001
7.55pm
Matt and I avoided each other at work. I’m not sure we even looked at each other more than three times all day.
Oh God, that was awful. Is it all my fault?? Have I achieved destroying this? Already??
We’ve only been together such a short time, yet if feels like forever, cause we’re ALWAYS together. And it’s been so instant and full on.
We’ve made love THOUSANDS of times in only not even two months. He feels like my other half. I feel like I know him better than I’ve ever known anybody before.
Yet today there was a massive void between us. He didn’t even wait for me after work. I heard his car from upstairs, and just about died as I went to the window and watched him do an uncharacteristic roar off.
He wanted me to KNOW he’d taken off on me without saying goodbye!
I was DEVASTATED.
Then he rang me tonight, from the pub. He’s there with all his mates.
“I love you, baby. I’m sorry,” he said.
“Me, too.”
“I’m hurting.”
“Me too.”
“I’m not going to let you go.”
“I’m afraid you’re going to wake up one day, and not love me anymore.”
“Pfft. That’s never going to happen - ”
“I can feel it. You’re about to let go of me – ”
“No, you can feel my anger and hurt from yesterday, and today. That is all.”
“Is it?”
“Yes!”
“Well, I’m feeling very lost right now, and I feel like you’re not there for me – ”
“FOR ONE DAY! One fucking day I haven’t been there for you, and that’s after you FUCKING ROARED OFF ON ME!” He took deep breaths, calmed down. “Today was so fucking hard on me. Ignoring each other. Not loving each other.”
“You’re the one that roared off today!”
“Yeah, well. I’ve been watching your roar offs too much. Had to be my turn sooner or later…Karina?”
“Yeah?”
“Don’t do this to us, baby girl. Don’t do this to me. Don’t LET YOURSELF be let go.”
My heart. God, my heart. It hurts so fucking much.
Why?? Why has it gone from me so happy and content to this??
I just want to cry and cry.
Wednesday 21 February 2001
9.33pm
It was Faye’s birthday yesterday, so I brought her flowers today. She loved them. And I bought Joy a bottle of red wine and wrapped a glitter butterfly from the florist round the bottle. They loved their presents!
(I included Joy into Faye’s birthday cause I love her and I love spoiling her. I don’t think anybody spoils Joy, and that breaks my heart for her. She deserves spoiling and all the love in the world)
I’m not supposed to be suddenly this depressed on my birthday. Things between Matt and I were weird again at work. But after work he grabbed me and kissed me.
I can feel it though. His distance. He’s suddenly distant. Yeah, cause I’ve driven him away. But knowing that doesn’t make it hurt less.
In fact, it makes it hurt more.
I went to Tee’s tonight, and she absolutely spoiled me rotten. I love her!!
Soon as I walked in, she was all, “What’s up, kitten? I can feel your sadness. It’s coming off you as strawberry perfume oil.”
(ha ha! She’s funny)
I couldn’t really answer her, cause Matt has done nothing, he’s just responding to my fucked upness…
But I don’t know how to change. To feel better about love and relationships and myself.
I’m fucking lost.
I’m suddenly very down, though, after being so fucking happy. I was so happy there for a bit. It’s like I won’t allow myself to be happy. I had to fuck it up, right when I was really, really happy and content and relaxed for once.
All these pink presents on Tee’s coffee table sure cheered me up!! HOW SWEET IS SHE!!!
So many p
resents, all wrapped in baby pink paper and hot pink ribbons.
And one present had pink hearts all over it!! AWWW!!!
So many presents: a beautiful pink fairy frame (that I love!!), a gorgeous pink headband with beads all over it, a pink boob tube and a stunning pink dress.
(that I’ve already decided I will wear Saturday night for my birthday outing)
And she made me a delicious three course meal.
We watched ‘Seinfeld’ together and cracked up, then sat outside on her steps and ate dessert together.
(chocolate pudding that she made from scratch. She’s so talented!!)
Matt just rang. He went fishing tonight. I miss him. I miss him so much it kills.
Yet I keep pushing him away.
Saturday 24 February 2001
1.45pm
My birthday was heavenly. I still have this feeling of unease though. I can’t shake it off.
Thursday I arrived at work on my 22nd birthday, on the 22nd of the 2nd, to lots of hugs and kisses and presents.
I felt so loved and spoiled. I’m tearing up just thinking about it.
What a difference to my last birthday. Kinda heals me a bit. New memories erasing the old.
I walked into the warehouse to Faye and Gordon handing me a box of choccies and big hugs.
Then, “Happy Birthday, Pinky!” yells and hugs by all the warehouse boys and Terry.
Finally, I got to see my boyfriend.
Shampoo Page 47
