Sunshine Through the Rain

by Gilly Stewart

She wasn’t sure if he meant inside the caravan or the house, but neither appealed. ‘Perhaps we could just walk a bit?’ And that way she wouldn’t need to meet his eyes, such lovely deep brown eyes, that were watching her suspiciously even now.

  ‘Yeah, OK. Up and round the hill?’ He stuck his hands in his pockets and set off, Monty bouncing delightedly around him.

  ‘How’s your mum?’ she asked.

  ‘She’s moved into a care home. And she’s really happy, amazingly. She likes the company, and I have to admit it’s less of a worry for me.’

  ‘That’s good,’ said Ellen.

  They walked in silence for a while. Ellen could feel the stretch of her muscles as she pushed to keep up with him. He said, ‘How did your climbing day go?’

  He had clearly heard she’d taken the children to the Ratho climbing centre.

  ‘It went well. Very well. Even Lucy gave it a go. I’ve high hopes for some outside climbing in the spring.’

  They walked on in silence once again while she gathered her thoughts. So far so good. He hadn’t rejected her company out of hand. Now she just needed to get the message across that she knew he didn’t want to be more than friends, and she wanted that too, now. If it was for the good of the children, surely he would agree?

  ‘Lucy wants to invite you to her birthday party. It’s at that soft-play area in Dunmuir, in a fortnight’s time. I thought I should come and warn you first.’

  ‘Oh. Right.’ Kit’s broad shoulders sagged, as though he had been expecting more than that.

  ‘She’s really keen for you to come.’

  ‘That’s fine. I’ll be there.’ He shot her the very briefest of glances but she couldn’t read his expression.

  ‘I don’t want you to feel obliged or anything. It’s just that she really wants her own people there, and I suppose she feels that’s what you are.’

  Kit didn’t answer immediately. She wondered if she had said the wrong thing, when he finally nodded. ‘It’s good, if she feels that.’

  ‘Yes. The kids really like you, you know. I think it’s been hard for them when you and I haven’t been – getting on so well. I know they walk up to see you sometimes but it would be better if things went back to how they used to be, wouldn’t it? If you popped in to Craigallan and so on?’

  Kit carried on walking. When she stole a glance at him he was frowning. ‘So you want to see me around a bit more, for the sake of the children?’

  ‘Yes. I mean …’ Ellen knew she was no good at this sort of thing. She felt a strange lump rising in her throat. Somehow she had thought once she made the first gesture of friendship, his good nature would take over and he would do the rest. She had been so sure he wouldn’t let her down. ‘I just want us to be friends again, like we were.’

  ‘For the children?’ Kit stopped on the brow of the hill, so that they could look over into the next valley, a misty view of greens, golds, and rusts. He seemed to be examining it with great concentration.

  ‘Well, for them and us. I mean, it’s not great, is it, the way things have been recently …’

  ‘I thought that’s what you wanted. No more interfering?’

  Ellen waved her hands vaguely in the cold air. ‘It wasn’t what I wanted. It was just … oh, I don’t know. Can’t we start again?’

  ‘And be friends?’

  ‘Yes.’ She looked at him hopefully now. He had dragged his gaze away from the valley and was studying her as though she was a complicated puzzle.

  ‘Ellen Taylor, I do not want and never have wanted to be friends with you.’

  ‘Oh!’ It was as though he had slapped her face. She could feel her colour rising. All along he hadn’t even liked her? ‘I’m sorry, obviously I should have realised …’

  ‘Ellen.’ He put a hand on her arm, to stop her turning and fleeing, which is exactly what she wanted to do. ‘Ellen, I don’t want to be friends. I want to be more than friends. Surely you knew that?’

  ‘But … You were so furious with me … Nothing was right …’

  ‘Look, I’ve messed things up, I know that. I annoyed you, even though I was trying to help.’ He moved a step closer and Ellen felt unable to move back, although surely that was what she should do, if they were just going to be friends? Isn’t that what she had settled on? ‘If we start again, can we start again as something else?’

  ‘Something else?’

  He put a hand up to her cheek. ‘Girlfriend and boyfriend? Lovers?’

  ‘I …’ She had been determined to say no, take things slowly. Wasn’t that her motto? But it hadn’t worked last time. She looked into those sleepy brown eyes, which were sleepy no longer, and she was lost. She had never seen eyes burn with longing like that. ‘I …’ He didn’t bother to let her finish. He must have seen enough to know the answer, and when he bent and kissed her he would have felt it for sure. His lips were warm and hungry and she moved into his arms as easily as if she had always been there, putting her gloved hands up to his head, pulling him closer and closer.

  This was what she wanted. She had told herself it was impossible, that Kit would never feel like this for her …

  It was a very long time before he took a small step back and looked down at her, dropping a kiss on her nose. ‘You’re crying.’ He was smiling, his arms still loosely around her.

  ‘I am not. It’s the cold.’

  ‘It is cold, but you are crying.’ He touched her cheek again, wiping a tear away. ‘Far too cold to be doing something like this out here.’ He grinned. ‘Shit, and look at those dark clouds coming up. It’s definitely time to head for home.’ He took her hand and gave her a little tug to bring her back to her senses. Before she knew it, they were hurrying back downhill through the lightly falling rain.

  It was all happening so fast Ellen didn’t know what to think. They had been here once before, the passionate kiss, the heady exhilaration. And then they had parted and it had all gone wrong. She couldn’t bear for that to happen again. By the time they arrived at the caravan the rain was falling harder and Kit pulled her towards the door. ‘Better get some shelter.’

  ‘No.’

  He looked at her in surprise, doubt surfacing all too quickly in those brown eyes.

  ‘Why don’t you come down to Craigallan. Please? It’ll be warmer, and I need to put fuel on the stove.’ She wanted to add, and there’ll be nobody there to disturb us, but dared not. She was inviting him to come home with her, not to leave her now.

  He frowned for a moment, eyes narrowed as he surveyed the building site. She had no idea what he was thinking. ‘I suppose it is a bit of a mess here.’

  ‘I don’t care about the mess. Please come with me.’ She kept hold of his hand. She wasn’t going to let him go. ‘Unless you’ve got to get back to work?’

  ‘No, no more work today.’ Suddenly he was smiling again. ‘Come on, let’s run.’

  Once inside Craigallan they stripped off their coats and Ellen piled anthracite into the Rayburn. She felt shy all over again, but Kit was having no second thoughts. He took her back into his arms and began to kiss her gently, then ferociously. ‘I’ve wanted to do this for so long.’

  Thank goodness she’d decided to approach him with that offer of friendship. And thank goodness he had said no!

  ‘Do we stay here or go upstairs?’

  ‘Upstairs.’

  He hesitated. ‘Are you sure?’

  ‘Yes! Upstairs, please.’

  She was trembling with yearning and nerves as they tumbled on to her bed. It was amazing that Kit could be like this, that he wanted her so much. She couldn’t believe she had once thought him so patient. Considerate, yes, but not patient. But then, nor was she, now. She had waited so long to see him without all those layers of clothes, to touch the warm skin, now she couldn’t get enough of him. She lost herself in the wonder of it. She had never known what making love really meant before.

  Afterwards they lay in each other’s arms, the covers pulled roughly over them, drifting off in sle
epy euphoria. Part of Ellen couldn’t believe what they had just done, in the middle of the day, with the curtains open (but at least they were on the upper floor). And the other part wondered why she had waited so long for this.

  ‘I love you,’ said Kit, planting a kiss in her hair. She thought he might have said it before, in the heat of the moment, but this was different. As she struggled to turn and read his expression, the phone rang.

  ‘Oh, God, no,’ she said. ‘I don’t want to get up, ever.’

  He smiled sleepily and kissed her again. ‘I’ll go.’

  ‘No.’ That woke her up. She didn’t want him answering her phone, whatever would people think? She was doubly glad when she picked up the receiver and found the head teacher of the village school on the other end.

  ‘Ellen? So glad you’re there, I was beginning to wonder. We’re having to close the school. The river’s far too high, it’s already burst its banks. Will you be able to come and collect Callum and Lucy?’

  ‘Yes,’ said Ellen faintly, trying to suppress a giggle. ‘Yes, of course. I’ll be down as quickly as I can.’ Had she really expected that she and Kit would be left in peace?

  Kit refused to go home. It wasn’t that she didn’t want him there, or wished him skulking in that draughty caravan in this weather, but what would the children think? Ellen was sure they would read guilt written all over her face.

  ‘Boyfriend and girlfriend, remember?’ he said, taking her hand for a moment before she went out to the car.

  ‘Not lovers?’ she flashed back with a smile and dared to lean in and kiss him. Everything seemed suddenly so easy.

  When she returned with Callum and Lucy, however, she was relieved to see that Kit was almost back to his old self, didn’t encroach on her space in a way that would have made them suspicious. He could make her heart race with a mere glance, but the children weren’t aware of that. At least Angus, the truly observant, wasn’t home yet.

  Angus caught the bus from Dunmuir as usual. Ellen succeeded in reaching him on his mobile and offered to come and collect him, but he said it was only a bit of rain. ‘Mrs Morton always panics,’ he said knowledgeably.

  He did agree to come inside for a hot drink before venturing out to check his beloved animals.

  ‘Why’s Kit here?’ he said bluntly, holding the warm mug in both hands.

  Ellen looked at Kit. She hadn’t expected such a question quite so soon.

  ‘I was worried about the weather up there …’ she said, gesturing vaguely towards the copse.

  Angus examined the two of them, perhaps seeing the heightened colour, and who knew what else? ‘I’m glad you’re friends again,’ he said.

  Kit put out his hand and took Ellen’s. ‘Yes. Good friends.’

  Ellen wanted to snatch her hand back, embarrassed and worried all at once. But Angus didn’t seem put out. He merely shrugged in an off-hand way and said, ‘That’s all right, then.’

  The birthday party was a surprising success. Ellen was worried she would do something wrong, as she had for Angus, but apparently a party at a soft-play area more or less took care of itself.

  Afterwards Kit came back to Craigallan with them, as he did so often these days. It was wonderfully natural to have him around. Just being with him made Ellen happy, and if they couldn’t be alone as much as they might have liked, well, who better than she knew you couldn’t have everything?

  ‘I still haven’t got you a present,’ he said to Lucy. ‘Have you decided yet?’ He had gone to put his mug by the sink and paused behind Ellen, letting a hand rest naturally on her shoulder. Ellen put her own hand up to cover his. It felt so good.

  ‘A new dress,’ said Lucy. ‘A sparkly one. I’ve seen one in that new shop in Dumfries.’

  Callum snorted and Ellen said, ‘I don’t think Kit meant something quite so expensive. And anyway, why do you want another dress? You hardly ever have the chance to wear them.’

  ‘But I want one,’ said Lucy obstinately. ‘And I’ve thought what I want from you, too. For my big present.’

  ‘Oh?’ Ellen smiled. This confident little girl was so different from the pale, quiet creature of the spring time. It was such a relief. She must be doing something right.

  ‘Yes. I want a kitten.’

  ‘A kitten?’ Ellen was horrified. ‘Don’t we have enough animals around here?’

  Angus and Callum began to snigger. They had clearly been in on this secret.

  ‘One more won’t make any difference,’ said Lucy glibly. ‘And I’ll look after it. I’ll feed it and everything.’

  Ellen could feel herself weakening, but put up one last protest. ‘What will Monty think?’

  ‘He’ll get used to it.’ Lucy dropped her voice to almost a whisper. ‘Dad said I could have a kitten when I was eight. He said then I’d be old enough to look after it myself. I can have one, can’t I?’

  Ellen gave her niece a quick hug, aware that the boys were watching her anxiously. ‘We’ll start looking tomorrow,’ she said. How could she refuse?

  The mention of ‘when I turn eight’ reminded her of something else. ‘And do you still want to start learning the clarinet? That’s something else we could look in to.’ God, she must be a sucker for punishment!

  Lucy jumped up and down. ‘Yes! Yes! Now I’m eight I can do lots of things. You won’t need to make me practice like you have to do with Angus, I’ll practice all the time.’

  ‘I hope it sounds better than your recorder,’ muttered Callum.

  ‘I do practice,’ said Angus, scowling.

  ‘You still not keen to learn anything yourself?’ Ellen asked Callum, intervening before an argument could start.

  ‘Naw. Wouldn’t want to waste your money.’

  ‘You don’t have to buy the instrument,’ said Lucy. ‘I ’member Mum saying. You can borrow one to begin with.’

  ‘That sounds like a good idea,’ said Ellen, relieved. She would have found a way if they had to buy a clarinet, but she’d far rather they didn’t. To begin with, at least.

  She had been watching Angus out of the corner of her eye, and something in his expression made her ask, ‘And what about you, Angus? Is there another instrument you’d like to learn?’

  ‘Well.’ He hesitated. ‘If we really can borrow instruments from the school …’

  ‘Yes?’

  ‘I’d kind of like to have a go at the fiddle. Grant has been suggesting it. And I would practice. I do practice.’ He scowled again at Lucy.

  ‘That sounds like a brilliant idea,’ said Ellen. Even more things to organise, but here was Angus actually asking for something, saying what he wanted. That was definitely a step forward.

  Chapter Twenty-nine

  Time passed quickly now, but not in a terrifying blur of never quite knowing what you were doing or whether you were doing it right. Life was busy, that was for sure, but Ellen was no longer overwhelmed. When the college offered her a couple of days’ work in the run up to Christmas, she was even able to accept it without panicking about how she would cope.

  Kit was happy to help out, and finally she was happy to let him.

  He was still living in his caravan, though. Progress on his house seemed to have slowed down yet again. Ellen felt bad about him sleeping up there, but she didn’t want to rock the boat with the children.

  ‘Time I was heading up the track,’ said Kit, after the evening meal one Saturday in December.

  ‘I wouldn’t like to sleep in a caravan in winter,’ said Callum. The temperature was hovering around freezing. ‘Isn’t it really cold?’

  ‘I’ll survive.’

  Angus cleared his throat. ‘Why don’t you stay here?’

  Ellen looked at Kit in horror. It was true that the children were aware the relationship between the two of them had changed, but she had been careful. As far as she knew, the children had never even seen them kiss, so where had this come from?

  ‘Grant stays at Grace’s house. He sleeps in Clare’s bed.’ Lucy giggled.
r />   ‘Ah …’

  ‘You slept with Richard,’ said Callum.

  Ellen wanted to bury her head in her hands.

  ‘Don’t not stay here ’cos of us,’ said Angus. ‘We don’t mind.’

  ‘We think you should get married,’ said Lucy.

  Ellen was speechless. Where had this come from? Just when she thought she had the measure of the children, they would surprise her all over again.

  ‘Lucy just wants to be a bridesmaid,’ said Callum. ‘It was her idea.’ Then, noticing his sister’s expression, he added, ‘But I don’t mind. We don’t, do we, Angus?’

  Ellen didn’t even dare look at Kit. ‘Phew,’ she said shakily. ‘You’ve quite taken my breath away. And I think you’re somewhat jumping the gun. Now, where were we, wasn’t it someone’s bed time?’

  After that startling exchange Kit didn’t take himself off up the track. He offered to read Lucy’s story and then busied himself tidying in the kitchen until the two boys were also in bed.

  ‘I’m sorry about that,’ said Ellen, coming back in and firmly closing the door between kitchen and hallway. Privacy was obviously something hard to come by in this house. ‘I don’t know where they got the idea …’

  ‘They’re not stupid,’ said Kit. ‘And I think it’s quite a good idea, don’t you?’

  ‘You sleeping here? Well, yes, of course, but I still feel …’

  Kit silenced her by taking her in his arms and kissing her. After a while he pressed his cheek against hers and breathed in deeply. ‘I love you.’

  ‘I love you too. But the kids …’

  ‘Ssh, this is about us, not the kids.’ He stood back and looked down at her, the deep brown eyes seeming to seek the answer to some question he hadn’t asked.

  Ellen met his gaze. He was so beautiful she could have looked at him for ever. He was about to speak but she put a finger on his lips and said, ‘It has to be about the kids, too. The kids are part of me now, you know that, and I can’t expect you to want to take them on too. If you start sleeping here they’re going to expect more and more of you and that isn’t fair.’

  ‘Marry me.’

  Her heart gave a leap of pure emotion. She would love him for ever for asking her. ‘Kit, you’re not listening. I can’t marry you. I’m four years older than you …’