"Some." Enough to make her a scary mix of excited and anxious.
"How does it sound to you?"
"I get the part about standing up against people putting stuff up on the internet without your permission. My parents wanted me to file charges against them but I didn't want to." She just wanted to make it go away. Hoped in those first fog filled days that if she just said nothing no one else would either.
"Is that how you feel about this?" Mary looked steadily at the girl on the brink of being a young woman standing in front of her. "Would you rather Grace and your aunt just let it be?"
"Sometimes..." she saw the immediate support in Mary's face, knew that if she wanted it all to stop right then and there she would have her back. And that helped her to get over at least one of the many bridges she'd been pausing at the edge of. "But then there's times where I just want to tell everyone it's not that big of a deal." She felt the surge of anger mingled with the waves of defiance that was slowly creeping back helping her to stand steady if not always strong. She looked straight into Mary's kind eyes. "And sometimes I want to tell them, all of them, they pushed me down but I'm not going to stay there."
"Good." Mary reached out to take Addie's hand in hers. Led her over to the single piece of furniture in the room. One of the few in the entire house. Pulled her to sit down beside her on the old over-stuffed davenport she'd found at one of her favorite antique shops in downtown Burlington on Third Street. "I wanted to talk with you about something." She paused, edging her way forward in what would be a difficult conversation for her. One she hadn't had with anyone else other than her Daniel. And even with him she'd given only bits and pieces of information. She knew if she were to help Addie she couldn't do the same. And now that she knew that Addie was willing to go along with the idea Carrie and Grace had come up with, one that she supported and planned to be an active member of, she felt it was time to share it. Especially with this young woman who had suffered far more than she at the hands of individuals so very similar in personalities.
"You know that before I came here I wrote a number of books." She started out, realizing no matter how many ways she had played out this conversation in her head it wouldn't come out any way other than as it was meant.
"My mother was floored when she realized that you and Aunt Carrie were cousins."
And didn't that tell her just how little her cousin's former in-laws had known about Carrie over the course of a couple of decades, Mary thought to herself. Deciding it wouldn't serve anyone to mention that she left it alone. Instead she went straight to the heart of it. "When I came here everyone wanted to know why I didn't plan to write anymore." She studied the huge hydrangea plant outside the window at the front of the house. Sighed. "I told everyone that I just didn't have any stories running around in me at the time." She looked at the young woman beside her. "And that was true but it wasn't all of the truth." She saw the spark then, the interest that hadn't been in Addie's face before. "I'm really not much of a computer person. I check my emails, keep connected with a very few old friends on Facebook. But that's really about all I ever did on the internet." She closed her eyes, remembering the shock that first time she'd gone to one of the book review areas of the huge online store where you could buy just about anything including almost all of the Mary Lane books. It hadn't changed the second time she went back to look or the third. She'd locked herself in her room and hadn't left her house in days for fear that someone...anyone she might bump into would have read the same. Only later, much later, did she cope with the fact that someone could and likely had read it. Some of the comments had gone back years.
"Mary?" Addie saw the sadness and had no idea where it was coming from or what to do.
"I'm sorry honey, I was just thinking." She squeezed the hand in hers as much for herself as the girl beside her. "What I didn't tell them was that I couldn't write. That the stories that had always been running around in my head just waiting to get out weren't there because I was terrified of writing them," she paused again, uncertain what to say next.
"Why?" Addie had never read a word of any of her books but had never heard anything but wonderful things about them.
"Because..." she took a breath, knowing that with this admission she would have to share so much more. "Because one day when I was doing some online shopping I saw a comment about one of my books in the review of someone else's book. It wasn't all that of a complimentary comment either. Not awful in the big scheme of things especially after I saw some of the other pretty bad reviews of some of my books after that."
"No way!" Addie couldn't believe it. But from the look on Mary's face it was obviously very much what she believed.
"Oh yes." Mary couldn't help the hitch in her voice. Hated herself for it. Hated that after so many, many months that it could still hurt. She opened her eyes when she heard the recognizable beep-beep and saw Addie fiddling around with the little hand-held computer everyone seemed to have but her. "What on earth are you doing honey?" Terrified this wonderful girl would see the horrible things written about her. About her stories.
Addie shook her head slightly to acknowledge she'd heard her but was completely focused on her goal. For the moment all that had happened to her was on the sidelines of her mind. She'd heard in Mary's voice the same grief she’d felt for so many days that seemed to go on endlessly. "Here's one of them," she read it quickly. "That's just stupid." She looked up at Mary. "It doesn't even look like they read the book. It's just one of those morons who have nothing better to do with their time but go on to sites like this and write something bad about anyone and everyone they can find."
Mary looked down at the review she spoke of. It was articulate and horrible.
Addie saw from her expression exactly what she was thinking. "Mary, look. Do you know what trolling is?" The confused look aimed at her answered that. She decided someone else could explain the intricacies of the internet to her but she knew one thing she could do. "Look at this." She went back to the main page of the book. "See this?" She scrolled down to where the reviews began. "There are over four thousand reviews on this book but only fifty-two of them are below the good rating." She looked up at the woman beside her in awe. She'd started off trying to make her feel better only to find herself star-struck. She hadn't really ever thought about her aunt's cousin as anything other than that. A cousin. One of many. Someone who made great muffins and spoke softly and kindly to everyone no matter how loud everyone else was. Someone who was deeply hurt by the words in one review of one of her many books. "That's like not even two percent of all the reviews. And gee whiz...how many people bought the book and didn't even do a review." She scrolled up the page to see what the numbers were and was stunned speechless. "Oh...wow...just a couple of hundred thousand on this site." She looked back up at Mary and saw she too was finally doing the numbers. "Fifty-two out of those totals is nothing. When you look at it that way it's pretty much a needle in a haystack kind of thing." But she was beginning to think too about why this had been shared with her. It was something she'd have to put some thought into. She hadn't ever really considered that someone Mary's age could be hurt by this kind of stuff. Everyone knew people were always doing bad stuff on the internet just because they could. She took a breath. Just because they could. She let the realization ripple through her mind.
"Mary..." she waited for her to look back up at her. "You need to go on the internet and research trolls and trolling. Really you do." She emphasized as strongly as she could without being rude. "I wouldn't explain it very well because even though I know what and who they are I don't exactly know how to explain it to someone else."
"You think these people...these trolls," even as she said the word the image of an ugly creature formed in her head. "That these people are responsible for a lot of these horrible reviews?" She hated herself for sounding so pitiful.
"Probably not every single one. But most of them. And let's face it, there're people out there who just aren't very nice and it makes
them feel good to be that way."
Mary couldn't have said it better herself. "Yes. Exactly." She caught and held Addie's eyes willing her to see the same. It occurred to her that she was learning more from this young woman than what she had expected to help her with after what she'd been through.
"I get it," Addie said slowly and she did.
"And now thanks to you, I do too." And for the first time in a long time Mary felt a sense of calm about her writing that had for so long seemed just out of reach.
"I didn't do much. I just helped you see what's really there," she shrugged as she spoke. "Besides, you would have figured it out for yourself eventually just by looking at the numbers like we just did."
Mary sighed as she reached out to smooth her hand across Addie's furrowed brow. She’d done the same countless times with her own daughters when they scrunched up their foreheads when caught up in deep thought. "But I never went back to look at the numbers or anything else having to do with them in all the months since I first saw them. And really, I only saw just a handful of them. After that I couldn't bear to read another." She nodded her head at the expression of awe and denial Addie was too open and honest to hide. "I froze. I simply froze in fear and embarrassment. I didn't go back to look at them to try to understand anything of what you just explained to me." And if that didn't make her feel like three shades of a fool she didn't know whatever would. "I never talked to anyone about it. Oh, I mentioned it casually to my husband but not in a way where he could have understood what it was doing to me or so he could know to explain the possibilities as you just have." She took a cleansing breath letting the possibilities of what she now knew push aside the shame that had lived deep within her for so long. What words could do, she thought. No, she corrected herself, what she had allowed words to do. "And," she went on to the young woman watching her carefully. "I stopped writing, something I have always found great joy and comfort in." She shook her head unconsciously, realizing how much she’d let another's words damage her. "I let someone else who may not have even ever read my book, any of my books for that matter, dictate my life. The direction I took it in."
"But you're not going to let them do that now."
"No, honey." She took a deep breath. Not everything was black and white. There were so many shades of gray in life and so often that was where most of the answers to life's most difficult questions could be found. She somehow needed to help Addie to see and understand that for herself. By herself. "But I believe in fate. I strongly believe that things, most if not all things happen for a reason."
"You think that feeling really crappy and not being able to write your books for almost a year happened for a good reason?" Addie couldn't believe what she was hearing and couldn't stop from sounding so.
Mary laughed softly, thrilled at the disgruntled tone coming from the youngster. "If I hadn't been feeling so crappy and terrified to write another word I might not have finally gotten the gumption to come to Burlington." She watched as the realization of what she was saying hit home. "I wouldn't have been here for Aunt Charlie to come and see her childhood home because I wouldn't have bought it. Your Aunt Carrie wouldn't have come here to check on her mother."
"She might still be married to Uncle Nick." She didn't even try to hide her opinion of that possibility from her voice.
"Who knows?" Mary wasn't going to go there with the daughter of good ole Nick's sister. "But more importantly, Carrie wouldn't have been here when you needed her. When you needed a place to be and someone to be there for you." Mary worked up a smile, wobbly that it might be. "And you wouldn't have been here to help me to understand how stupid I've been."
"I never said you were...."
Mary interrupted her, regretting the panic she saw but not the comprehension that shown bright with it in her young eyes. "You never said the word honey, I did." She sighed deeply. "I saw something I couldn't deal with and instead of doing just that I hid from it. I didn't ever go back to read it...to understand it because at that moment it was just too much for me. I'm not even certain that even if someone had explained it to me all those months ago if it would have sunk in. That's what I mean by fate. Sometimes things just happen the way they're supposed to. If we're lucky we figure it out eventually. If we're not or not paying attention it might never work out like it should because we're hunkered down and don't see it."
"Kind of like that forest and the trees saying?"
"Hummm...you mean about not seeing the forest for the trees."
"Yes. You don't see the big picture cause you're hung up on all the close-ups."
Mary tilted her head as she studied Addie. There was an insight there far beyond her years. With luck it would serve her well. "It seems you and I have a lot in common." She took a breath. "And much to perhaps learn from the other."
Addie quietly agreed. She had much to learn period. "Do you know what Aunt Carrie and Grace want to do?" She had pieces of it but wasn't clear on how it was going to help anything.
"Yes." She took another deep breath. "I told them I wanted to be among your first partners however it is they decide to make this work." She smiled slightly, there was no escaping it would take tremendous courage to do what they planned.
"Do you think it will work?"
"I think that it can't hurt. And maybe, just maybe, someone out there who is suffering because of something like what was done to you won't suffer alone."
"That's what I keep coming back to." Addie swallowed hard. She had imagined all kinds of possibilities but they all seemed petty when she thought about someone out there, unable to sleep at night, feeling like nothing would ever be the same again. And on top of all that not having anyone to share it with. No one to make them feel that no matter what they were in it with them. "No matter how I look at it, how embarrassed I know I'm going to be, it's nothing compared to someone out there going through something like this alone."
"Well, honey," Mary stood and took her hand to pull her up with her. "You won't be alone in this either. We're all going to be embarrassed together."
"You?"
"Oh yes. Embarrassed, scared. You name it. But I can't think of a better reason to suffer all that can you?"
"No." Addie walked with her to the door. Feeling better about almost everything when she hadn't ever expected to feel better about anything. "That's what I keep coming back to. And," she added with feeling, "that's what I told my parents."
CHAPTER FOUR
Because of the number of people intent on being part of the discussion it was decided in advance that instead of Mary's kitchen where every other important gathering had taken place to date they would meet this time in the kitchen of the Marshall Street house. Carrie looked around the table. Her mother was sitting next to Addie and Mallie and across from them were Brian and Beth. All were engaged in a conversation that was both heatedly and getting louder. Jake sat next to his daughter having a more subdued discussion with Court, Terry, and Mark. All four of them appeared intent making her wonder about the topic that held such deep interest for all of them. Casey and Pete had arrived with Grace and were helping her staple together whatever it was they had put together to hand out to everyone. Mary was at the kitchen counter putting the variety of cookies she'd brought with her together on a plate alongside her brother Dave, always where the food was, helping her out and snitching his favorites before there was a chance to get them to the table.
They hadn't had to spend a lot of effort in finding the time and place that would be convenient to all because everyone had agreed to the time and place without question. They were committed and that commitment brought them together in ways she wasn't sure her young niece yet understood.
She'd spent hours on the phone the night before with her former sister-in-law who had called her in a panic after hearing pieces of the idea from Addie. Even after Carrie had filled in all the holes and assured her they'd do nothing that Addie wasn't comfortable with there had been hesitation and worry. But in the en
d it had been Addie's call. And Addie was determined to follow through with it. Even now Carrie wasn't completely certain what it was she and Mary had spoken about the day before but ever since then Addie had been far more accepting of the idea. Whatever had been discussed she could only be grateful.
"I think we're ready." Grace handed her one of the small packets of documents that Pete and Casey were spreading out to everyone else at the table as well.
Carrie took a deep breath, shared a look with Grace that neither had to decipher. Up until now it had been nothing more than an idea, tossed around amongst them all. Once they put this into action it would be much more and because of the nature of their plan and the very perpetual nature of the internet there would be no turning back.
"Okay." She waited until everyone settled back and focused on where she and Grace stood. Though she tried, without success, her gaze honed in on Court and the look he sent her was filled with encouragement and something more. It was the something more that gave her some cause for worry. But that was for later.
She shared a quick look with Grace. They had decided beforehand that she would handle getting the discussion going and Grace would deal with explaining all the intricacies of what they hoped to set into motion. She quietly took another deep breath, cleared her throat and began.
"We all know why we're here." She shared a knowing look with her niece. "Sometimes something can happen to one of us that affects all of us." She looked around the table, knew they each had their own motivations for wanting to be part of this. "There's nothing that can be done to reverse what was done to Addie but what we hope is that in some small way we can provide support and understanding to others in the same position and at the same time show them they can stand tall in the midst of what they're going through. Help them to understand they aren't alone in what they suffer and that they aren't alone while they suffer." She watched out of the corner of her eye as her mother quietly reached for Addie's hand. That small act of simple kindness was exactly what they were about. "Nobody should ever have to stand alone when they've been victimized. Our purpose is to make sure they understand they don't."
Summer Street Secrets (The Hills of Burlington Book 3) Page 6
