Give Me A Reason

by Jennifer Miller

“I know that butterflies don’t have taste buds. Instead they use sensors on their feet.”

  “Well it sounds like you weren’t kidding. You educated yourself well - I’m impressed.”

  “Are you now? I can continue to impress you with more facts if you’d like. Or I can tell you about something else I know a lot about.”

  “And what would that be?” I smile at him absently as I admire a monarch butterfly fluttering in front of us.

  “You. I know even more about you.”

  “Well I should hope so, you’ve known me forever and I’ve told you a lot of things over the years.”

  “No, I don’t mean things like that. I mean other facts about you.”

  After I snap a photo of another butterfly with my phone’s camera I turn to him, “Like what?”

  “Like the way your jaw clenches and you get this little vein that pulses in your temple when you’re mad but you’re trying to hide it.”

  “I don’t have a pulsing vein.”

  He smiles, “You make a humming noise of happiness when you take the first bite of something you think is really good.”

  “I-”

  “Yes,” he interrupts, “you do. You also get a look of admiration on your face when you see someone wearing something you’d like to have yourself. Like the girl you eyed when we walked in here – if I had to guess you really liked her…dress?”

  “I think that’s a bit of an exaggeration. And it was her shoes.”

  He laughs, “I know your eyes crinkle when you smile, that you bite your lip when you read and that when it rains and worms find their way onto the sidewalk that they make you want to throw up.”

  I laugh at that one, “They are so slimy and gross.”

  We move together to the back of the garden area where we can look through a window at butterflies in various stages of metamorphosis.

  “It’s fascinating, isn’t it?” I look from cocoon to cocoon in awe. “They spend days – some of them weeks - in self-imposed darkness because they know they’ll become beautiful. It’s more than that though, they’ll become who they were always meant to be.”

  “That’s true, but I think I look at it a little differently.”

  “How so?”

  “I think one can learn something from a butterfly. That sometimes you may have to go through something dark, something difficult, in order to emerge stronger, more beautiful and whole. I think that they can be a sign of hope and faith - that we can triumph through darkness.”

  His words aren’t anything I haven’t heard before in relation to a butterfly, it’s true. There are beautiful quotes and art work available to buy on many items that say something along those same lines. Maybe that’s why I’ve always loved them too in part, but I know that’s not what he’s getting at right now. I can hear the intent in Oliver’s tone. What he’s trying to convey without directly saying it. And when Oliver places his hands on my shoulders, turns me toward him and puts his finger under my chin lifting it so I’ll look him in the eyes, I know he’s going to say as much.

  “Just like you, Remy. You are going through something difficult, something I would take away from you in a second if I could, but you’re making an assumption about the end result. This is your darkness, your metamorphosis. Something that you’ll emerge from more beautiful than ever.”

  “Oliver-”

  “I know you said you don’t want to talk about this on the trip.”

  “I don’t. There’s nothing to discuss.”

  “I couldn’t disagree with you more.”

  “Not here and now, Oliver. Please.”

  “Fine. But I’m warning you now that I have a few thoughts that I plan on sharing.”

  “It doesn’t matter-”

  “Don’t. Don’t even think about telling me that my feelings and thoughts don’t matter.”

  His eyes are fire, his stare intense and I wish I could swallow my words, “I didn’t mean it like that.”

  “Yes, you did, but it doesn’t matter because I’m not going to act like all of this is fine. You can’t possibly expect me to. You and I need to have a conversation. Or two. Or three.” His voice sounds determined, yet pleading at the same time. It’s clear he’s been holding this in and keeping his feelings to himself and while part of me wants to tell him to let it go, I also understand as well.

  “How about I tell you that I hear you? Will you accept my saying that I’m not ignoring you, that I love you for loving me, that I respect your thoughts and feelings? Can that be enough? For right now?”

  He sighs and tucks my hair behind my ear. “For now.” I nod and he does as well and then we move through the garden once more.

  There’s a bit of tension between us, it’s thick and full with unsaid words and stifled feelings. I’m about to bring up anything I can think of just to break it when Oliver’s words startle me, “Stop.”

  I freeze but my eyes swing toward him, “What’s wrong?”

  His smile relaxes me, “Nothing, just be still for a minute.”

  I do as he asks and watch as his gaze moves up and around me and realize that I’ve managed to attract a few butterflies and they’re fluttering around me. I remain still, but follow their flight with my eyes. One lands on my hair and another on the front of my shirt. Oliver has his phone out and is taking my photo when a butterfly lands on my hand. It’s black and yellow wings open and close while it seems to take a rest on me. I look up at Oliver and find he’s still staring at me. “You’re beautiful, Remy. You take my breath away.”

  But it’s my breath that seems to have escaped me at his words.

  “I’m not sure about this.”

  “I’m right here, I won’t let anything happen to you.”

  “I’ve never done this before.”

  “I know, but you’ll be fine. I’ve done it before and I know you’ll love it. You trust me, right?”

  “Yes. But you’re not bad at anything, ever. And you like risk lots more than I do.”

  “There’s no risk involved. And everyone can be good at this. Trust me.”

  “You’re just saying that so I’ll join you. I don’t believe it.”

  “Quit stalling and do this already.”

  Who would have thought that snorkeling would make me so incredibly nervous? It’s not merely about being in the water with everything else that lives there, it’s this whole process of jumping off the side of a boat… into fish infested water. I mean, that’s just asking for trouble.

  “Remy! Come on, woman!” Looking down at him floating in the water impatience pouring from him, I want to laugh. He’s got large goggles over his face and his mouthpiece hangs next to his chin. He’s failing miserably at looking aggravated. He looks like Adam Sandler’s Scuba Steve.

  Oliver woke me early this morning to tell me he made arrangements for us to go on a private snorkeling adventure. I’ve never been snorkeling in my life, of course, and while it sounded like a lot of fun theoretically, once we got out here the reality set in and the apprehension quickly joined.

  “What if a fish, a shark or a whale, tries to eat me?”

  I hear a chuckle from our snorkeling instructor in the water to the right of Oliver, I ignore him, but Oliver shoots him a look that I find quite satisfying. “Then I’ll rescue you.”

  “I’m holding you to that. And if you let me down I’ll never talk to you again.”

  “Uh huh. Now come on. Jump into the water. My neck is starting to get a permanent crook in it from staring up at you.”

  “Wait, one more thing.” He continues to tread water effortlessly while waiting for me. He raises a brow in silent question, “If I’m stung by a jellyfish you have to promise you’ll pee on me.”

  He chokes on a laugh and then grins, “Pee on you?”

  “Yeah, you know. To alleviate the sting.”

  “This isn’t a Friends episode, Monica,” he laughs. “Get your ass in the water.” We used to binge that show like crazy and I love that he got the reference. With a sho
rt laugh and then a very deep breath, I finally jump in.

  The water is cold and it takes me several inhales and exhales for my body to get used to it and to calm. Once I’ve managed to catch my breath I look at Oliver to find him grinning ear to ear. “See? I told you it wasn’t a big deal.”

  As soon as he says that I imagine all of the fish big and small that are likely swimming under my feet and I have a moment of panic. “Why did I let you talk me into this?”

  “You’ll change your tune. Come on, let’s go.”

  “Ready?” the instructor asks and I try to force a smile while trying out my mouthpiece but I’m pretty sure I fail miserably so I just nod instead.

  “All right. I’m going to lead us to a cove through there,” he points at two large rocks that create an entrance of sorts. “The water gets a little more shallow and you’ll see all kinds of sea life. Follow me.”

  We all place our masks over our eyes and adjust our mouthpieces and tubes on our snorkeling gear. It feels weird to leave the boat there alone, but with one backward glance I follow Matt, our instructor, while Oliver swims next to me. We make our way to the stones that aren’t too far from us. I’m amazed at how easily the kicking movements come to me and of how well my fins snuggle my feet. I half expected them to float away as soon as I moved. Matt and Oliver already have their faces in the water as they swim. Still feeling anxious, I finally brave it when Oliver takes my hand and squeezes. I know he’s communicating silently with me telling me to join in.

  Tentatively, I place my face in the water like I was taught at shore during our brief lesson. It takes me a moment to get used to breathing in and out through the snorkel. It’s strange hearing each and every breath I take through the snorkel tube, but eventually I’m able to stop concentrating so much on the breathing and the sound and begin noticing what’s below us.

  Immediately I see a school of fish swimming beneath us. Some hurry along like they’re late to an appointment and others swim lazily. It isn’t until we are finally through the entrance to the cove that I see what Matt was talking about – and it’s magical.

  Fish big and small, alone and in groups all swim below us. I didn’t expect to see them so soon, but as soon as we cross into the cove it’s like we’ve immediately entered their home. There are fish everywhere. At first I feel nervous, but once I see that they could care less about our presence I calm down. The cove is large which is good considering how huge some of the fish are. I had no idea fish could be this huge. And wow, their colors are incredible - vibrant blues, greens, oranges and yellows. Matt occasionally stops, turns to face us and will point at something. Oliver squeezes my hand a couple times to get my attention in order to do the same. The coral reef is out of this world; so many vibrant colors and hidden treasures can be found weaving in and out. It isn’t long before I realize I’m completely relaxed and actually enjoying myself.

  Oliver points out a green sea turtle swimming toward us. Excitement makes my breaths come faster and as it swims close I reach out my arm as it passes, my fingers grazing its shell. It continues on its path not giving me or my touch a second look. When I look over at Oliver I find his eyes already on me. I see my excitement reflected there and he nods excitedly before pointing to a huge fish swimming in our direction.

  I’m not sure how long we end up snorkeling, but I’m exhausted when we finally make our way back to the boat. The sun has moved significantly in the sky, so I know we’ve been out here for a few hours or so.

  “Did you have fun?” Oliver asks as soon as my head pops up from the water and I remove my snorkel.

  Pushing my facemask to the top of my head I smile widely, “It was amazing. I’m glad I found the courage to jump in. I would have missed out.”

  “Me too. What was the coolest thing you saw?” Oliver towels off and I do the same. He gets a water bottle from the cooler and takes long swallows before offering it to me. The cool water feels good going down my throat. I didn’t realize how thirsty I am.

  As I towel off, the skin on my nose and back stings and feels a bit tender letting me know the sun’s penetrating effects have taken a slight toll. Yet, I feel great and am grateful for slathering myself in sunscreen beforehand or I’m sure it would feel much worse. The sun is stronger here than I anticipated and certainly more intense than I’m used to.

  “Umm,” I take a minute to answer, my mind running through everything I’ve seen. “Probably the turtle. Touching its shell was amazing. There were a lot of amazing fish though. And those colors – I can’t get over them. I’m pretty sure I even saw a Humuhumunukunukuapua’a.”

  “A huma- what now?”

  “A Humuhumunukunukuapua’a.”

  “You made that up.”

  “No, I didn’t,” I laugh.

  “No, she didn’t,” Matt chimes in and I raise my brows in an I-told-you-so way.

  “See?”

  “How do you know about… whatever the hell you said?”

  “I don’t know,” I shrug, “I just do.”

  “You’re weird, Rem.”

  “No, I’m not. I’m just far more educated than you are. Clearly,” I laugh and roll my eye and feel delight when he smiles too.

  “Yes you are.” Then he does something that stuns me. He leans forward and presses a kiss to my mouth. It happens so fast, it initially crosses my mind that maybe it was a figment of my imagination, which almost makes me laugh inappropriately. It’s like he wanted to hurry up and do it before I could pull away or tell him not to… or freak out.

  I must look ridiculous as shock registers on my face. How could it not? He’s kissed me before, sure. But it has been on the forehead, the cheek, even on the nose once when he called me ‘cute’, but never ever on the mouth. I feel stunned, but I also… well… I’m pretty sure I liked it. A lot. Maybe more than liked it and even want more.

  He watches me, no doubt garnering my reaction, but I’m still trying to figure it out for myself. Absently, my fingers touch my lips. My mouth tingles where his lips touched mine as if I can still feel them there. My stomach feels warm, my breaths come faster, my breasts suddenly feel heavier and my heart is pounding so hard I can feel my body moving forward just a bit with each beat. Perhaps most importantly, my lips curve into a smile. He sees it too and his own smile widens.

  “Remy,” he whispers and the sound is almost lost to the wind. His hand cups the side of my face, his hand so large the tips of his fingers tangle in the hair at my neck while his thumb brushes my cheek. It’s clear he’s seeking permission to kiss me again. Part of me thinks he’s lost his damn mind. Maybe he swallowed a crap ton of seawater and it’s making his brain float, or maybe the UV rays are making his brain mush. Either way, something is definitely wrong in that head of his.

  I don’t know what it is, but clearly I’m suffering from the brain affliction too. Before I realize it, I find myself leaning forward silently giving his mouth permission to meet mine once more. He doesn’t hesitate and when his mouth touches mine again, my hands clench in my lap. His lips are soft and warm and when his mouth opens, mine follows and he immediately takes advantage and deepens our kiss.

  His hand forms a fist in my hair and it pulls my head back further. I can feel rather than hear the moan that leaves him, the vibration under my fingertips that have left my lap to trail up his chest. He tastes both sweet and salty.

  When he pulls away his eyes are twinkling and his lips are smiling. I’m sure I wear a look on my face that’s both surprise and need. I can feel it in the way my body feels heavy and tight at the same time.

  “Wow,” he says into my ear as he tucks strands of blowing hair behind my ear. They fly out again immediately and smack both of our faces with the wind. “I’ve wanted to do that for a really long time.”

  “You have?” My voice sounds gravelly.

  “Yes,” he nods.

  He leans in as if he’s going to kiss me again, but he hesitates and changes direction slightly. He’s clearly changed his mind. Instead he
brushes his thumb against my bottom lip, then pulls me against his chest. Exhaling, momentary disappointment flashes but then recedes and I realize I was wrong before when I was looking at the ocean. It wasn’t just the sight of the water that made me feel like I was home; it had everything to do with the man next to me. I think I’ll always feel like I’m home when I’m with Oliver – no matter where we are.

  We’re quiet on our way back to the resort, but he doesn’t stop touching me. Either his hand is holding mine, or our legs are touching, or our arms. I’m vividly aware of each press of skin, each stroke his finger makes on my hand. There are moments he pulls me in toward him though perhaps it’s only to protect me a bit from the boat-crashing waves that create a spray occasionally. When we are in the elevator on the way to our room, the tension is almost unbearable.

  It isn’t until we’re in our room once more that we really look at each other again. I wish I knew what he was thinking. Indecipherable emotions cross over his face as he looks at me and I think he’s going to say something a few times, but he doesn’t.

  Before I can say anything or begin to question what happened between us, he steps toward me. When I look up, he hesitates a moment and then kisses me again. This time, something changes. Our sweet kiss from before now becomes more intense. He steps forward and presses me against the back of the door. His hands cup my face, mine dig into his waist before moving up the front of his chest, and oh what a chest. I revel in each peak and valley.

  When he breaks away from my mouth to kiss down my throat, I gasp, “What is happening?”

  “Something that should have happened a long time ago,” he answers while turning us. His quick hands move the strap of my sundress down my shoulder so he can kiss me there.

  We walk backward and when the back of my knees hit the bed, I fall backwards onto it, his body following mine. We laugh a little but sober when the weight of him meets my length. I’m instantly warm head to toe and there’s a burning between my legs that makes me move my hips against him in a silent plea. He answers with a groan.

  His mouth is on mine again and I’m sure I’ve never experienced a more amazing kiss than this. His hands wander down my body and mine move down his back, delighting in the ripples of muscles. I pull the back of his shirt up and sigh when I feel his hot skin. He whips his shirt up and over his head and I laugh at his eagerness and he shrugs and chuckles.