More Barsetshire Diary (Barsetshire Diaries)

by Lord David Prosser

  “Only decided this morning old dear, had some news to share.”

  As I brought the coffees through from the kitchen I could see Lady J had started to tidy away her scrapbook project and the materials. We still looked like a branch of Walls r Us with all the wallpaper standing in a corner.

  We drank our coffee and chatted in general until Michael was ready to share his news.

  “Well old loves, I came to tell you I have a new woman in my life and I think it's quite serious this time.”

  Quite serious meant something more than the words imply because Michael changes his women more often than I change my socks and that's once a month whether they need it or not. Ha Ha. He goes through them at a remarkable rate because he either can't commit or because his Eastern European attitude of do as I say and not as I do tends to rattle them. The attitude is remarkable as, though his father the Count is pure European, Michael was born in this country. But, he's a remarkably loving person and for years we've waited for him to settle down. I wondered if this could be the one.

  As twelve o'clock approached we decided to lunch at Cass E Dees and informed Grizelda we were going out. We went in our car because Michael's speedster would only fit two people and Hobbits at that.

  The café was quite full but we managed to find a table. We saw Sherryl and then Sararah who came and served us. Michael grabbed her hand, kissed in and winked at her. She giggled.

  He and I settled on stew and a roll, and I kicked him on the shin very quickly when he started to suggest that he'd have his roll after lunch if Sararah was free. Lady J decided to have a prawn salad which I found odd in October but I knew better than to say anything.

  Sherryl brought our drinks over and Michael caught her hand as he had Sararah's. “Oh how I've missed you,” he said.

  “You'd better improve your aim then,” she said extracting her hand and walking away. But as she did so I saw the little smile on her face.

  The stew was lovely and as we ate the conversation flowed. Michael told us his new Lady is called Serena. She's blonde (with Michael they always are), slim, very pretty and only fifty which is ten years younger than him. We listened intently to the description and then he said he had a photograph to show us.

  Well. Amazingly Julia breathed in and held her tongue. Even I noticed that Serena would qualify as a suicide blonde (dyed by her own hands). In the picture black roots were showing through. The rest of the description was fairly accurate but as she seemed about 5' 9'' to his 5'3'' it seemed an odd pairing but who can tell how love will strike?

  Lunch finished I got up to pay. “My turn” said Michael.

  “No Michael, you're our guest today,” I said.

  Michael got up to head for the counter ignoring me. I stuck out a foot and as he stumbled I reached the till.

  “I'll pay now Sherryl please.” I told her as Michael jumped on my back. My hand thrust out holding the cash as Michael's did the same from over my shoulder. Sherryl backed off looking quite alarmed.

  “Sorry, Sherryl,” I said, “but take my money please. Remember you have to deal with me when this pain goes home again.”

  “Pain!” said Michael, “a trifle hard I feel.”

  “Pain,” I reiterated and paid for lunch. Michael climbed down from my back, luckily there was a stepladder handy, and we thanked the girls and left.

  We took a slow stroll round town before heading for the car and home. Back there, Michael asked our opinion of his new lady. Carefully we both said pretty much the same thing.

  “Michael, if she makes you happy and you make her happy then go for it. But, if you feel that you won't be able to settle down please don't lead her on. Tell her straight away. You're far too nice to intentionally hurt someone, and the longer it goes on the harder it gets.”

  “OK, I'll do that” he said, “but I think we'll be alright. May I bring her to meet you soon?”

  “Michael, you know you're welcome here at any time. I mean you already treat the place as your own. Bring Serena along when you're ready, but give us a little more warning next time.”

  Laughing, he said, “OK, I will,” then left for the journey home.

  As his matchbox size car drew away I turned to Lady J and sang “There may be trouble ahead.”

  She responded by singing “Love Wars” back at me and we both burst into laughter and went indoors.

  Thursday, October 28, 2010

  Choosing Curtains

  In my sternest voice I told Ysabel to go and change into more appropriate clothes. I raised my arm and pointed in dismissal. At that point Oscar bit it and I woke up to find I'd prodded him in the ear. He looked at me in disgust and promptly went back to sleep. My throbbing finger prevented me from doing the same so I carefully slid out of bed, donned my slippers and dressing gown and headed for the lounge.

  I saw it was almost six o'clock and went to put the kettle on to make myself a cup of tea.

  The dream had been so vivid. We were hosting a ball and Ysabel had come dressed in jeans, something I knew she wouldn't do really. It's so strange where dreams take you.

  I drank my tea in peace and then hearing Julia stir I made her the usual coffee and a second tea for myself. I took her drink through, my muscles straining all the time with the weight of it. Her cup is so much larger than the usual we refer to it as the bucket.

  “Thank you dear and good morning,” she said, “have you remembered we're going to find some new curtains today?”

  “Yes my dear,” I answered, “I'm looking forward to it.” Having said that I could then uncross my fingers.

  By 9.00 am we were both in the car preparing to leave.

  “Belt up dear,” she told me, to which I responded “But I haven't said a word.”

  She groaned and rolled her eyes. I fastened my seat belt and off we went.

  In Barchester we parked up and entered Drapes Emporium where we were greeted by the manager, Mr. Snape.

  “Good Day your Ladyship,” said Snape totally ignoring me, thus indicating he knew where the power lay in the curtain buying department.

  I thought of myself as a useless appendage at this point and was about to suggest I went for a coffee in the third floor cafeteria when the inner psychic in Lady J made her pipe up “No you don't David, I'll need you to agree the colour.”

  Dumbfounded, all I could do was nod in agreement and follow as the obsequious Mr. Snape led the way to the lift. He stood to one side as we entered and then followed us in pressing the button for the second floor. Once there we were met by Mr. Haskins the floor manager. Snape instructed him to show us the best of everything and departed no doubt to fawn over the next person to enter the store. At his departure Mr. Haskins breathed an audible sigh of relief and said “Do you want to see the patterns in the blue you rang about my lady?”

  “Yes please Mr. Haskins. I shall want two pairs 72'' wide with a 90'' drop.”

  “Very good Your Ladyship,” he said and left us looking around while he went to get his pattern book.

  “This shouldn't take more than a few minutes David so be patient and we'll go for a coffee then.” I swear she reads my mind.

  “Yes dear,” I answered.

  Mr. Haskins returned with his book and I wandered a little bit while Lady J viewed the patterns. A good hour passed and I must have viewed every cushion, quilt and bedding set the store had to offer. I was about to settle down in an armchair when Lady J found me. “There you are David” she said, “I've been looking for you everywhere. Are you ready to go now? We've been waiting ages for you at the counter.”

  I saw no profit in pointing out that she'd been in view the whole time, and the last time I'd glanced over she'd still been looking through the book.

  Mr. Haskins had two large bags at the ready which he placed at my feet. “That will be £360.00 My Lord” he said, causing me to stagger backwards. I resisted the temptation to ask what percentage of the store I now owned, and passed over my credit card. It didn't seem to want to leave my hand when
he reached for it and there ensued a minor tug of war for possession. Eventually I relinquished my grip on it and paid. Mr. Haskins escorted us to the lift where Lady J thanked him for all his help before we started our descent to the ground floor.

  “Coffee now David?” she asked.

  “Lovely,” I said, “but not here eh. Let's go to a café.” Anything to avoid buying something else in here I thought to myself.

  We put the bags in the car and walked a short way to a little café further down the street. It was a pleasant little place and did a nice latte. Up to 11.00 am they offered a free piece of toast with each drink and we were just in time.

  “Two lattes please” I asked the waitress, “and two toasts.”

  “Just the lattes please David,” said Lady J , “It's too close to lunchtime for me.”

  A rebellious streak in me almost answered “But not for me,” but it was best saved for something more important than toast.

  “Just the lattes please then,” I told the waitress. She looked affronted at my change of heart and practically flounced off.

  The drinks weren't long in coming and each saucer held a small sweet biscuit. “Relief,” I thought until I heard Lady J say “If you're not going to eat that biscuit David, I'm feeling a little peckish.”

  Murder was a heartbeat away.

  After the coffees we walked on a little and I noticed a new gastro-bar had opened close by. They were part of the Stormfork group so I knew the food was pretty basic but warming and good value. They were also doing a lunchtime special of two meals for £10.00 so we went in. After we'd sat and a waiter had come I ordered a bangers and mash while Lady J went for a half chicken though after costing me my toast and taking my biscuit I reckoned she owed me half of her half.

  Along with a drink of lime and lemonade the whole bill only came to £12.00 and I found myself feeling much better. The meal was pleasant and filling and I'm sure we both enjoyed it.

  Leaving there we sauntered around a few more shops without pounding my plastic and then walked back to the car to go home.

  On arrival we saw a strange car in the driveway. We carried the shopping inside and found Grizelda deep in conversation with a man. “Oh your Lordship, I'm glad you're home, I'll put the kettle on,” she said, “this is Mr. Bates” she added.

  “Mr. Bates” I said, “this is my wife Lady Julia, what can I do for you?”

  “Do excuse me “said Lady J going through to the kitchen to question Grizelda.

  “Well your Lordship, it's like this. I understand that you were involved in some activity on behalf of the Government some time ago, and I wondered if you might allow me to interview you for the magazine I work for, The Questioner.”

  “I'm afraid I don't know where you received your information from,” I replied, “but it's incorrect. I've retired from my working life due to a health issue, but was only employed as a Local Government Officer. Hardly exciting reading matter I'd have thought.”

  “Strange” said he, ”I'd heard that you did some work abroad and that you were wounded whilst an envoy to a foreign country.”

  “Indeed not” I responded. “You won't find me accredited as an envoy anywhere, and my accident was the result of a stupid skiing mistake.” I hoped I was still correct about the records being hidden.

  “In the desert?” he asked. “I won't annoy you any further sir, but will go back to my sources. Should you ever consider publishing your memoirs though, I'm an excellent ghost writer.”

  “Thank you Mr. Bates” I replied, “If I ever decide the public will be interested in my life in the town hall I'll certainly consider it. I'm sorry you've had a wasted journey.”

  “Oh I don't consider it wasted, My Lord,” he said enigmatically, “just a little premature perhaps.”

  I escorted him to the door and watched him drive away. Returning to the lounge I found Lady J just setting two coffees down.

  “Grizelda said nothing David, but he doesn't sound a man to give up easily.”

  “It's OK my dear, I'm not on any official lists and no-one round here knows anything for sure except Suki and I doubt he knows who she is. Might be an idea to warn her though.”

  So saying, I rang Suki to let her know he was about. Thanking me she pointed out we hadn't seen each other in a while and she was therefore inviting herself round to tea. “Bravo” said Lady J when I told her, “it's been an age.”

  Suki arrived within the hour. She let herself in and came through to the lounge to find us. Her face lit up as she saw us and she hugged us in turn. Grizelda set out some sandwiches and cakes before going home and left the three of us to sit and chat for hours.

  I was lucky that Lady J loved Suki as much as I did and she found the descriptions of me falling down the steps in Beritana to be hilarious especially as she hadn't heard about the incident properly from me. Though there was obviously a serious side to my Beritana visit Suki always seemed able to find a funny side to share. She left us about 10.00 pm telling us we must come to dinner soon.

  Relaxed and happy I settled in front of the television for a while and Lady J disappeared from the room. When she returned she looked tired.

  “The new curtains are up and look wonderful,” she told me.

  “Why on earth didn't you tell me they wanted doing tonight my dear? I would have helped you.” I told her.

  “Thank you dear,” she replied, “but I didn't want you 'hanging' around while I put the curtain rings on, and 'draping' yourself over the furniture. It was quicker to do it myself.”

  I smiled at her and told her to go to bed and I'd take her a hot drink in.

  She changed, and so did I before I came to write my notes. After a long day I was ready to go to sleep.

  Friday, October 29, 2010

  Mayhem at the Sales

  Today has been very strange from the outset. I woke suddenly at 5.00 am in expectation. Oscar hadn't woken me and I think I missed him.

  Once awake I decided to make myself a drink and check my emails. There were 63 of them in my inbox which made me regret getting up at all. A whole seven of them were from a new mystic Psychic Sue, I wonder if they're passing my name round the mystic world to see who can scare me the most. Anyway, she was predicting dire times ahead for me and she was right. I didn't need to pay her for detailed information as it happened so soon.

  After working my delete button till smoke rose from it I was left with just a few messages to answer. It shows how friendless I felt when only 8 messages out of 63 were from people who actually know me.

  By the time I finished with the computer it was time to feed Oscar and take a coffee through to Lady J. Two further coffees later she was awake and raring to go. It was time to dress and go out.

  The car almost knew its way to our destination without help but Lady J played her part and steered us in the direction of our daughter's. The closer we got the more my toes curled. I love both my wife and my daughter, but together and on a SALE day I'm reduced to a gibbering wreck, a mere shadow of my former self.

  We arrived at a quarter to nine, time enough for a quick coffee and to have my suggestion that I wait for them here summarily dismissed. So, resigned to my fate of running interference for them we set off walking, or in my case crutching as my leg was bad today, to a nearby shopping centre.

  The store in question for today's foray was Matamark and was due to open its doors at 10.00 am for its Amazing Mid-Season Spectacular Sale. Heaven help us.

  By 9.15 am we were in a queue with about twenty or so people before us. More and more were arriving and by 9.45 am there were hundreds of women behind me and about six other men in evidence who looked as worried as I felt.

  It was a fine morning but most of the women I saw were carrying brollies. I wondered if they were all expecting a sudden tropical storm but they weren't. At about 9.55 am they all seemed to hear a silent alarm bell and with military precision the brollies were all brought up to chest height and were angled across their breasts. My time in Her Majesty's
forces had never produced such a display, it would have had my drill sergeant crying tears of joy.

  The doors opened. There was a surge from behind me and thuds rained against my back. The brollies had come into play now. They were used to part the opposition by thrusting it between people and heaving them out of the wielders path leaving a gap to barge one’s way through. Fortunately for me both Lady J and Ysabel were at full alert and the hooked ends of the brollies I hadn't noticed them carry, pulled me back upright and into line.

  As we entered the shop the girls parted to head to their favourite sections. I started to follow in the wake of Lady J but found the press of bodies unbearable and so halted by a rail of clothes where I picked up a jumper and pretended to admire it. It was torn from my hands with a cry of “Mine, I saw it first.”

  As the jumper was a size 10 and the grabber at least a size 18 this was patently untrue, but I could see by the manic eyes that sale fever had taken over. I darted forward to catch up to Lady J seeking her protection from this horde. A garment resembling a large hammock was thrust into my chest and a voice said “Here Egbert, hold onto this,” only to have it grabbed back with a shriek of “Thief, that's mine, what have you done with my husband?”

  I forbore from saying he's probably outside where I should be when Lady J's grip on my collar pulled me to safety. “Do try and keep up David,” she said.

  For what felt like hours I was beaten, pummelled and screamed at by all the furies of Hell until finally I found myself, crutches laden with assorted hangers full of clothes, at the till. At last I heard a call for till 6 being available and wearily I placed my burden down. Lady J added some more to the pile and then I heard “Just pass them here Ysabel, Daddy may as well pay here and save you waiting in the queue.” They were passed and the pile obscured the sales assistant from my sight. I felt my credit card melt and try to trickle down my leg. At least I hoped that's what it was.