More Barsetshire Diary (Barsetshire Diaries)

by Lord David Prosser

  At 7.00 am I took Lady J's bucket of coffee through to her and gently woke her, at least I tried to. She was just starting to rouse when Oscar came in. He jumped on the bed, moved onto her hair then as she woke with a start he jumped off the bed and sauntered away. Her eyes flew open and she looked at me, “David, can't you be more careful? I'm sure you could wake me more gently than that.” she said.

  “But dear” I said, then realising the culprit was nowhere in sight gave up. “Sorry dear” I said.

  By a quarter to ten, instructions having been given to Grizelda, and an invitation to join us refused in case they used her as an exhibit, we were on our way. Though the distance wasn't great we had to pass through a couple of villages and descend a very steep hill to get to the valley. The snow on the ground made sure Lady J drove very carefully, but even so, as we reached the bottom of the hill the car started to slide a bit and we overshot the junction sliding towards the middle of the road that ran across the bottom. How lucky we were that there was no traffic at that moment.

  Shaken, we drove into the car park of the antiques centre. Getting carefully out of the car we headed immediately for the restaurant and ordered hot drinks to calm our nerves. Feeling a little better we ordered a table for a 12.00 am lunch though I doubted the place would be crowded today anyway.

  We headed upstairs to look around. Up there has what I always call secondary antiques, odd things like fire irons, old dinner services and a few pictures. Today there were also a few coins and I was able to buy two crowns in nice condition, one Victorian and one Edwardian. We wandered for a while longer looking in all the nooks and crannies but found nothing else to interest us. It was time to head back downstairs. I had purposely avoided glancing in all the cabinets we had passed on our way upstairs from the restaurant because I enjoy the anticipation of a proper look. This morning though I had butterflies in my stomach. I hoped it was in expectation of finding something special and not the aftermath of the near accident earlier.

  The first cabinet did not disappoint me as I found a beautiful art nouveau ink stand. It sang to me. I looked at it longingly but applied a little willpower and moved on. There were some beautiful pieces of jewellery in the next few cabinets and some nice bronzes including a fantastic horse figure which I made a mental note of as a suitable Christmas gift for Lady J. She found a pretty Emile Galle bowl which was a King's ransom but was fabulous.

  One cabinet held some exquisite papier mache snuff boxes and some modern but well made jewellery boxes. Julia picked one of the modern ones up as a gift for Ysabel.

  We made our way to the gift shop which carries some lovely items and is almost as much fun as the antique cabinets themselves. We nodded in recognition to the staff which included Desmond the young man who seemed to run the whole place and is probably one of the most pleasant and helpful people I know. A real people person with a ready smile. There weren't many people around this morning so when we went back through to the restaurant at midday we were able to choose our own table. We sat and studied the menu and when I ordered a fruit juice to start, Lady J ordered the soup, a nice clear vegetable soup.

  As the young waitress approached our table with the order she tripped. I saw her gather herself as the tray she was carrying tilted. My fruit juice sailed to the edge but somehow held. So it seemed did the soup bowl, but the soup was following the laws of motion and didn't stop at all. It sailed over Julia's shoulder and hit me full in the face, little pieces of noodle and carrot clinging to my glasses.

  I reeled back in shock tipping my chair over and ended up stunned against the wall. Desmond appeared at the run with a cloth as the young waitress stood there with a look of horror on her face. The soup had not been too hot so the only real damage was to my dignity. As Desmond reached me I regained my composure and stood. “I'm not sure that counts as my five a day,” I said.

  Lady J grinned in relief, “Well, that was a turnip for the books,” she said.

  Desmond was full of apologies and handed me the cloth to wipe myself down. That was quickly done though my glasses took a little while longer.

  “Any chance of seconds for Her Ladyship?” I asked the waitress, “That portion just didn't satisfy her.”

  The youngster smiled hesitatingly, gave a small curtsey and went off to comply.

  We had a very good lunch after that and I assured the waitress I'd suffered no lasting injury though I couldn't say the same for the wall.

  Before leaving I spoke to Desmond of the auction and he told me that 'Some awful woman' had already informed him and taken a donation to put in the sale. I apologised for Edna's attitude for it had to be her, and told him there were some pieces he might be interested in, especially the broach.

  Assured of our continued custom he showed us to the door and waved us off.

  We managed to get home without further incident as some welcome sunshine had started to clear the snow. As we got in Grizelda asked if we'd had a nice lunch.

  “Fine thanks Grizelda” said Lady J, “except David decided to have my starter as well as his own.”

  I slunk off to add the crowns to my collection.

  Wednesday, November 10, 2010

  The Toastie Tenors

  Perhaps Oscar was in a good mood this morning because I had awoken without any help from him at all. Six thirty and both my body and my dignity were still intact. Though grateful, I couldn't help but wonder where he was.

  I'm quite good at getting up once I'm awake and so I swung my legs out of bed, donned a dressing gown and went through to the kitchen to make myself a drink. I prepared Lady J's cup but it was too early to pour one and take it through unless I was suicidal. The kitchen lights must have caught Oscar's attention from wherever he was for as I turned round there he was sitting in the kitchen doorway. I took some fresh chicken from the fridge and put it in a dish for him while I carried my drink through to the lounge.

  As I arrived there and turned the light on there he was again, just like my shadow. It was unnerving.

  I placed my drink on the table and sat down. Before I could do anything else Oscar was on my knee, bottom resting on my right arm and head tilted so he could look directly up at me with soulful eyes.

  I put my left arm around him and hugged hard. The pneumatic purring started. My right arm was still wedged under his bottom end so I slid it away and wrapped it around my other arm enclosing him totally. I hugged again and the volume of the purring went up a notch. I stopped hugging and with my right arm attempted to reach out for my drink, but Oscar kept nudging the arm for more attention. Drink was going everywhere except my mouth.

  I fussed him, stroked and ruffled his fur, all the time the purring carried on. We must have been like that for half an hour when I realised that my coffee was now cold and that I needed to take a drink in to Lady J. Pushing Oscar off my lap I returned to the kitchen, put my coffee in the microwave and turned the kettle on again.

  As soon as it boiled I took the drink through and found Lady J already awake and Oscar now lying contentedly next to her while she stroked him.

  “Good morning dear and thank you for the drink. Poor Oscar needed some affection this morning and came to wake me up. What a shame you don't make more of an effort to be loving towards him.”

  “Yes dear, I really must try,” was all I could think of to answer.

  Oscar's head rose a fraction to give me a quick look and smirk before nudging Lady J's hand to ensure she continued stroking. I walked away to get my drink feeling deflated.

  After breakfast of a cigarette outside by the kitchen door I ambled off to get washed and dressed. I returned to the lounge to find Lady J already dressed and with a fresh drink each for us.

  “You haven't forgotten where we’re going this morning have you David?” she asked.

  “No my dear” I replied, “I'm looking forward to it.”

  At ten o'clock we pulled up outside 'Are You Tempted' a little coffee bar we frequent. We could see quite a few people about but the door was
closed and locked. I knocked and saw Julee approach and unlock it. “Luvlee to see you both” she said ushering us inside, “I've saved you a table.”

  “Most kind Julee” I said, “we've not let anything get in the way of today.”

  Taking our seats at the reserved table in what was now a crowded room, two lattes were brought to us by one of the staff. “On the house today My Lord” she said looking very self conscious. I could see why as in one corner of the room was a television camera panning the whole area. That was the reason we were there. Julee's sons Adamus and Ricardo, known locally as the Toastie Tenors, were to sing today and be recorded for the news. They were wonderful boys with nice natures. In fact Julee has another really nice son who also sings but despite a wonderful voice preferred to stay out of the limelight. But this was a big chance for Adamus and Ricardo and well deserved as their voices are fantastic.

  The boys entered and a hush descended. They quickly checked their voices we're OK “Me me me me me” sang Adamus.

  “You you you you you” responded Ricardo with a grin.

  “OK boys, in your own time” came a voice that I assumed was the cameraman.

  “The most beautiful sound I ever heard” the boys sang and I immediately recognised it as Maria, one of my favourite songs that came from West Side Story. Adamus's bass voice rose up from his boots and Ricardo's fine tenor countered it wonderfully. The hairs on the back of my neck stood up. It was over too soon but the stunned silence before the huge burst of applause showed how much they were liked. The cameraman had a look of awe on his face.

  Before Lady J and I left we went over to congratulate the boys and to thank Julee for inviting us. I was taken aback when Adamus asked if I'd like them to sing at the Charity Concert on Saturday.

  I'd almost forgotten about it but jumped at the chance to feature them as I knew they'd be popular. Settling on a time for them to sing that wouldn't clash with other engagements, and saying I'd be happy with two songs of their choice, Lady J and I left to go for lunch at home.

  When we arrived I quickly phoned Suki and gave her the news. I knew she wouldn't mind and she was in fact delighted as it would also give her a chance to change and grab a quick cup of tea while the boys were singing. She really is one of the most adorable people.

  After lunch I was left to my own devices while Lady J made a trip to the stables. I went through the list of donations for the auction that Edna had left me and added the items I had. I set reserves on some items and spent the afternoon preparing a small catalogue for sale at the door after taking photographs of what I had and then printing it off. As I prepared a press release online to emphasise the charitable status of the auction, and mentioning a few of the more tempting offerings, I couldn't help but hope the day would go well.

  I was finished just in time for Lady J's return and found her removing her riding boots at the door. She walked past me leaving a haze of horse smell in the air. She blew me a kiss and headed off for a bath to freshen up for dinner.

  We had a quiet and pleasant evening together discussing how successful we thought we'd be at the weekend and whether we’d manage to impress Triple D with our efforts.

  I suggested we'd have a hammering success at the auction and raise more than a few tenors at the concert.

  She groaned.

  Thursday, November 11, 2010

  The Tuba Player’s Solo

  Yesterday’s reprieve was a temporary measure designed to lull me into a false sense of security. The weight descended onto my chest with a solid 'Thud’ and the wet nose on my eye was a real encouragement to emerge from my dreams. It was just before ten minutes past five. Before I even had the chance to utter a few choice words he disarmed me with the little brrp sound that says “Hello, it's nice to see you.” Is it any wonder I sometimes feel like a fish played at the end of the line?

  Oscar moved off my chest and my legs automatically swung out of bed and into my waiting slippers. Window opened he stepped onto the sill, glanced back and with a departing brrp he disappeared.

  It was freezing and I was awake. Getting myself a coffee I turned the heating up and settled in front of the computer to answer my mail. There were one or two queries about the auction which pleased me as I now knew interest was gathering. There was also a plea for some free tickets for Saturday's concert which I dismissed out of hand knowing that it defeated the fund-raising aspect of the concert. Also, I knew the person pleading poverty always had the cash to purchase a new shotgun at a couple of thousand cash. As posters had only gone up yesterday I was pleased at the interest shown.

  One Madame Zizi was willing to tell my fortune in exchange for a small fortune from me. I was fairly able to predict my own response to her message... delete. Another firm seemed to have assumed my age and title meant I was in desperate need of treatment for gout and hair loss, taking a chance that one end of me or the other was in need of help. I wrote back to inform them that I had no uric acid problems and that my hair grew so much it required a daily cut.

  Prize of the day was from a young Indian gentleman who told me that he gave all of his time to promoting the care of orphans in Russian Children's Homes and would I,

  a) Care to donate

  and

  b) Mention to the Queen that he should have a Knighthood for his charity work.

  It did though seem a little suspect that all the pictures he provided were stock photographs of a Rumanian orphanage with the signs written in the appropriate language, and which were dated 1985, about three years before he was born, according to his message.

  I suggested he might like to start working a little closer to home (by which I didn't mean Birmingham) and I was sure recognition would soon come to him (I didn't add that it would probably be by the fraud squad).

  Oscar returned just as I signed out and I went to clean his dishes and feed him before he could tell Lady J how mean I was for leaving him hungry.

  As it was now 7.00 am I made myself a fresh coffee and took one through to Lady J before she started telling Oscar how mean I was for leaving her thirsty.

  After breakfast we pottered around. I answered some snail mail while she went to see Mellors to give him instructions about appropriate plants to put in the mayor's parlour to brighten it up for the auction. As she came back I noticed a smirk on her face and asked why it was there.

  “I found Mellors in the greenhouse as expected” she told me, “however, I wasn't expecting to find him with company. It was Lady C, and she looked very flustered when I arrived.”

  “I hope she'd not trying to poach him for her estate,” I replied, “I'd hate to lose him.”

  Lady J looked at me with what amounted to pity and tutted. “Oh David” she sighed, “I doubt whether Lord C would want him back there, don't you remember it's where he came from to us.”

  “Oh yes” I said, not really understanding why Lord C wouldn't want a great gardener back.

  After lunch I rang Edna to see if we could meet in the mayor's parlour to list and catalogue the items ready for the auction. She agreed and so after a quick coffee I left. Lady J was dropping in on Triple D and couldn't join us.

  I arrived at the parlour first and was quite astounded by the amount of things gathered for the auction; I was more than surprised to find amongst the lots a moose's head and wondered how on earth I was going to sell that.

  Edna arrived and was a vision of all things zoo dressed as she was in a variety of animal prints. Her topcoat was leopard, her top was zebra and her slacks were a tiger print and were the type of tight that a woman who could pinch an inch should never wear. Edna who could easily pinch that was one of those. She didn't look at all comfortable. We set to preparing the list and were making excellent progress until Edna had to bend to pick up an item from the floor. I saw the trousers strain but what happened next was seismic, she passed wind.

  The back of her trousers actually rippled. A light bubbling sound ensued that was the sound a tuba player would make if he played through a straw in
to a milkshake, this was followed by a supersonic blast that went on and on.

  Tectonic plates shifted and I swear I glimpsed another universe as the space-time continuum ruptured. I rang quickly to see if it had registered on the Richter scale and whilst trying not to breathe ran round the town hall telling people not to worry, that a gas main hadn't exploded and nor had there been a rupture in the gates of Hell heralding the return of the Devil. Well, I should have done these things but what really happened was one of the security guards poked his head round the door and asked “Did you call My Lord,” to which I replied “It's fine thanks I changed my mind.” He seemed to withdraw his head gladly.

  Edna said “I apologise David, do excuse me.” and stood up again.

  “For what Edna?” I replied trying to pretend I hadn't noticed.

  The walls stopped shaking and the seams on her trousers held. Edna passed up the item from the floor and the world returned to normal.

  By the time we'd finished there were over a hundred items and I envisaged a good sale.

  As we were about to part at the door Edna asked if I thought the sale would increase her chances of getting elected as a councillor next year. I told her “Edna, you need your policies that help the public, if you don't have those you need popularity. If I were you I would make sure my policies were good strong ones that matter, and concentrate on smiling a lot between now and then. If you start smiling at people and asking their opinions on things you could be alright. The sale certainly won't hurt though to get you noticed in the right places.”