More Barsetshire Diary (Barsetshire Diaries)

by Lord David Prosser

  From the depths of his feet to Adamus' mouth rose in a deep bass the words “The most beautiful sound I ever heard,” to be joined by the sweet tenor of Ricardo on “Maria”. Everyone loved the performance. This was followed by another classic from West Side Story, “There's a Place for Us,” about which there was no doubt. The boys finished to thunderous applause and left for their next appointment.

  Suki reappeared. She did two more songs to tug at the heartstrings and then announced a break. I noticed James was true to his word and was there to ensure the collection plates were going round as people left to get a cup of tea in the refectory.

  Following the break during which I'd been able to talk to Suki and tell her how wonderful her performance was, she returned to give us a few more songs one of which was “Glencoe,” a Scottish ballad of treachery which raised a tear in many eyes. Luckily I still had my tissues. Finally the choir returned and sang us out with “Food glorious Food,” from Oliver which left me feeling quite hungry. The whole audience was obviously delighted and were smiling and chatting as they drifted away homeward bound.

  James came over and handed me an envelope. “Half the ticket sales and half the collection,” he said. “This was a magnificent evening and has done a lot for the Cathedral funds as well as introducing people to our acoustics.”

  “Thanks James,” I said, “I'm sure this will go a long way to helping Triple D get Mawdsley Hall restored. I suppose there's at least a couple of hundred here.”

  “A couple of hundred be blowed,” he responded, “there's over two thousand pounds there.”

  I was staggered even though I'd seen the crowd. Putting the money safely in a pocket I wished James good night. Hugo was taking the girls and Leee on to a nightclub somewhere, Wyn and Blodwyn were for home leaving Lady J, Michael and I to head off home as well.

  Suffering pangs of hunger after the choir's last song I suggested a stop at the fish and chip shop on the way. Everyone agreed. Lady J and Michael settled for cod and chips while I with my allergy to fish had a jumbo sausage much to the delight of the Norman Baron who made as many remarks about having a large sausage as he could think of.

  With Michael, that was quite a few.

  Sunday, November 14, 2010

  The Auction

  I had a treat today, I woke up naturally! It was early, probably in expectation of Oscar's visit but he left me alone. Feeling quite cheerful because of this I got up, made myself a coffee and started checking my emails.

  Madame Zizi told me it was to be a good day today, and in exchange for a payment the equivalent of the UK's National Debt would be quite willing to tell me which days to be most careful with my money. I thought this could be one of those days and deleted her message.

  There were a couple of messages asking if I'd sell the broach before the auction and a few messages asking about other items. They were all easily answered. There was a message from a company called The National Truss asking if I had enough support and one from the National Trust asking for my support. Life is very confusing sometimes.

  A message from my cousin in America giving me all her news was a welcome break and I gave her all the news from here which left her excited and reminding me to be sure to tell her how the auction went. I love my cousin. Had she been a man she'd have got the title instead of me as she's a little older but she always says she doesn't regret it a bit.

  After closing down the computer I took Lady J her bucket of coffee, took one through to Michael then went to get dressed. By the time I returned to the lounge Lady J was there with Oscar dragging on her dressing gown belt as she tried to swing it above his head. I told her to try that with Michael to see if she could control him, and in he walked looking like death warmed up.

  I made another coffee and we chatted about the day's activities though Michael just grunted once in a while. He's not what you'd call a morning person.

  Lady J was going to the stables for the morning then she'd return to join us for lunch after which we could take our time getting ready for the auction which was due to start at 4.00 pm.

  Michael and I decided to take a walk round the garden for some fresh air. I was nervous and Michael sensed it. He always knows when something's wrong with me but this time he understood the reason. I'd never done an auction like this before where so much hinged on the outcome and my abilities to get the best price for the items to be sold. I wished we'd used Edgar's brother.

  “Fret not old love” said Michael, “all will work out for you.”

  “Thanks Michael” I responded, “I hope so.”

  We were all together for lunch when Grizelda came through to tell me Edna had phoned and asked me to meet her at 2.00 pm in the mayor's parlour before the 4.00 pm start. I therefore left Lady J and Michael to come along at their own speed, changed into my best frock coat and left by taxi to meet her.

  Of course the taxi driver was Mr. Hatchett who was also our very dour funeral director using his second best car. On the mercifully short journey he passed on his wisdom on the best way to conduct auctions. “Allus leave them laughing Sorr” he said with a face showing no flicker of a smile, “allus leave them laughing.”

  At the town hall I was booked in by one of the security guards and escorted to the mayor's parlour. There was Edna waiting for me, damn I wished I'd taken sunglasses. Starting from the top Edna now had highlights in her hair, however it looked as though she'd either applied them herself when drunk or had been got at by a drunken Tahitian trying to emulate Gauguin by slapping bright paint on a canvas. This creation would never command Gauguin’s prices though. Below this her face was made up in the manner of one of those wooden soldiers you see at Christmas. Big rouged cheeks and eyes mascaraed to a midnight panda black.

  She wore a lemon blouse with multi-coloured geometric shapes that didn't belong in this dimension, a pair of deckchair striped trousers in red, green and blue and had finished with a pair of red trainers. If her intention was not to be lost in a crowd she's succeeded.

  “Oh David” she said, “I'm so nervous. I want today to go well so people will notice I'm a good person.”

  I thought to myself that she'd certainly be noticed but forbore from saying so.

  “Don't worry Edna. People will see you today doing good things for good causes. It will help you. All you have to do is smile a lot. Every time I call a lot number you hold the item aloft with a smile or point to it in the case of that huge wardrobe or we'll be visiting casualty. Place it down on the edge of the table and keep smiling while we sell it for a fortune. Now, while I'm here early shall we just check that all the lots have got their numbers on?”

  At about half past three people started drifting in, picking up a list of the lots and their numbers and taking their seats. I had saved the front row for the serious bidders and also for Lady J, Ysabel and my nieces plus my brother Wyn.

  At four o'clock I took my place at the head of the room behind what had been set up as my rostrum. Edna stood close by me as Edgar welcomed everyone to the mayor's parlour and explained that monies raised would be going to the renovation fund for Mawdsley, and the mayor's charity fund would receive a donation.

  He looked splendid in the mayoral robes and the chain of office. Edna's appearance wasn't improved by the addition of the chain she wore as mayoress. Edgar finished to a polite round of applause and I took up the microphone.

  “My lords, ladies and gentlefolk. Welcome to the charity auction. Please make your bids clearly for each item and make sure you remember to call your name if you win for the records. Please don't bid for what you can't afford and then pretend to be someone else, remember I know you. Payment is due at the end of the auction and goods can be collected after payment is received.

  “So, let's make a start with lot one. This lovely Murano glass vase being held up by Edna, thank you Edna, circa 1980. Who wants to start with a bid of £10? Oh, hands everywhere, ten, eleven, twelve, fifteen Mrs Jones? Twenty, twenty-five, thirty. Any advance on thirty, any more bids,
no? Right, going once at thirty, twice at thirty , three times and sold. Thank you sir.” I felt I was getting into the swing of things now.

  “Lot two Ladies and Gentlemen is this stylish pair of figurines, made by the famed Royal Dux pottery of the then Bohemia and of course now Czechoslovakia. Where shall we start then ? Let's say forty pounds.” The bidding was fast and furious until they finally reached a hundred and fifteen pounds and the figures were sold.

  Lot three was a bowl and ewer that fetched only fifteen pounds. As I brought the hammer down to confirm the sale I hadn't noticed that Edna had placed it in front of me on the table and the resultant pieces as I hit the ewer went all over the front row.

  “Actually Ladies and Gentlemen,” I said, “I find that lot was withdrawn at the very last minute. Hard luck Mrs. Jones.” Tension was relieved and the room broke into laughter, as it subsided I set off once again.

  “Who will bid me on this lovely bowl that used to be part of a set?” The laughter started again but I still managed to get the bidding to twenty pounds before I brought the hammer down on the table this time. “Very sporting Mrs. Jones, well done.”

  The sale went really well and I finally reached the star item, Suki's broach. “Ladies and Gentlemen,” I said, “Lot one hundred and seven, the final piece is this wonderful broach. I have advance bids on the books and must start the bidding at eighteen thousand, five hundred pounds. Does anyone want to take this further, come on now this is a fantastic item.”

  Wyn's hand shot up, “Nineteen thousand” he said.

  The Barons Caslav and Fraenkel still had their hands up as did Arnold Dring and in bids of five hundred a time we soon hit twenty-two thousand five hundred.

  Suddenly a voice from the back of the room called “Twenty five thousand.” There was a gasp from the room and everyone looked round. I could not make out the face of the bidder. John and Arnold had not given up yet but all hands went down when Michael took the bidding to twenty eight thousand. He looked confident that it was all over but dropped his hand in shock when the mystery bidder called “Thirty five thousand.” I could hardly believe my ears.

  “Going once” I said looking round, “going twice, sold for thirty five thousand pounds.” There was a huge round of applause.

  “Ladies and Gentlemen that concludes the sale. If you would be kind enough to settle up for your purchases now and collect them, we can all go home for a well deserved cuppa.”

  People lined up to pay at a table manned by Edgar in his official robes. I moved away from the rostrum and beckoned Edna towards me. “You did a wonderful job” I told her, “though I wasn't expecting that ewer where I found it.”

  “Sorry David,” she told me, “but I was distracted by the very handsome, dark skinned gentleman who arrived very late with two friends and sat at the back.”

  Things began to fall into place and as the queue at the table thinned I gestured for Edna to follow me. As we reached Edgar's table I saw Wyn, Michael and John waiting for me, watching in case the broach wasn't paid for and they could still buy it. I knew it would be paid for though and in fact was being paid for at that moment... in cash.

  “Good evening Your Highness,” I said approaching as two men tried to block my passage.

  “Hello David my good friend” came the reply. “It's been too long,” he said, “would you tell my daughter this will be waiting safely for her at home.” He indicated the broach.

  “It's wonderful to see you Ibrahim. May I introduce some friends to you?”

  “Of course David” he replied, “anything for the man who saved my life more than once.” Which comment raised a few eyebrows.

  “Your Highness, this is Edgar Arbuthnott our mayor and his wife Edna who have helped to organise this auction.”

  “Delighted” said Ibrahim taking Edgar's hand and bowing gently over Edna's.

  “Edgar, Edna, may I introduce His Serene Highness the Sultan Ibrahim of Beritana.” Eyebrows raised again.

  “Your Highness, may I also introduce my wife Lady Julia, my daughter Ysabel, my brother Wyn, my brother in law John who is Baron Caslav, my nieces Karina and Joanna and my close friend-brother Michael the Baron Fraenkel.”

  Introductions made and hands shaken except for the kissing of Julia's. Ibrahim turned to me and said. “I regret not having more time David and not being able to see my wonderful daughter here but I must leave now for an urgent appointment in London. I hope to see you in my home again soon.”

  “Indeed Your Highness” I replied, adding “I would love to visit Beritana again and accept your hospitality Ibrahim my friend.” He left with his two bodyguards in tow.

  The room was quiet for a moment then Lady J said “He's charming my dear, no wonder you like him so much,” And other voices added “Saved his life, what's that about?” and, “His daughter, who's that David?”

  We left Edgar, Edna and the security staff putting the proceeds from the sale in the safe where he keeps the mayoral chain of office. The rest of us headed home again to our place. Michael and John were suitably crushed at losing the broach but still resilient enough to realise they'd find replacement gifts in time for Christmas. The girls however were all agog. “Come on Unc” said Karina, “spill the beans. How'd you know the Sultan and when did you save his life?”

  “Sorry” I said, “my lips are sealed. But he's a wonderful man.”

  “Who's his daughter?” asked Ysabel and Joanna nodded in agreement at the question.

  “Hrumph, I'm not at liberty to say just yet,” I told them.

  “Intriguing” said Wyn, “I sense quite a story here brother mine.”

  “All will be revealed pretty soon.” I answered.

  “Spoilsport” said one voice I recognised only too well.

  All in all I thought the day had gone well.

  Monday, November 15, 2010

  The Presentation

  Lady J and I were both up early this morning. Oscar had managed to convince us both he was starving by firstly batting my nose with a paw and got me moving and then amazingly waking Lady J with a wet nose in the ear. As I'd fed him first and he'd cleared his dish I got the usual lecture from Lady J about being mean and not feeding him so that she was disturbed. Oscar listened to us both with a very self satisfied look on his face.

  However, this lecture was automatic and neither of us really gave it any attention as we were to meet Edgar at 9.00 am to go to the bank and change our takings from the auction and the concert for a bank cheque and then on to Triple D to present it to her. I'd asked Edgar and Edna to come with us in their official capacity as mayor and mayoress.

  We met at 9.00 am as agreed and then took the mayoral limousine to the bank where everything was officially counted, double checked and then we were presented with a cheque by the manager. I'd asked that a separate cheque be drawn of 10% of the auction takings for the mayors charity fund and I had great pleasure in presenting it to Edgar informally in the bank foyer. He blinked rapidly at the figure. Edna glowed with satisfaction knowing she'd helped with that and I assured her that it would help her no end when we announced it to the local papers, The Greenfield Clarion and The Barsetshire Beacon.

  We arrived at Triple D's just after 10.30 am and were shown through to her study. Julia made the introductions and Edna even curtsied and said “Your Grace” when introduced. We'd asked Edgar to make the official presentation which he did without a hitch. “Your Grace” he said, “allow me to present you on behalf of the Town Council of Praisewater and the Dean of Barchester Cathedral this cheque for £93,270.00 towards the restoration of Mawdsley Hall.”

  Diana looked stunned for a moment but regained her composure to say “That's wonderful Mr. Mayor, Mawdsley Hall will come back to life again with this and the other monies promised. I thank you.”

  Edgar looked pleased, Edna hadn't spoken a word since the introduction and just stood in awe of Triple D's magnificent study.

  We said our goodbyes and made our way back to town where our own car
was parked. Edgar dismissed the limousine and we thanked each other and turned to go. Then I remembered something and turned again.

  “Edna” I said, “you really did well on this and have shown people your good side. I'll be delighted to work to get you elected as a councillor in your own right next year.”

  She looked stunned. “Thank you David” she said, “I've enjoyed doing this and even enjoyed the reactions when I've smiled at people. I promise not to let you down.”

  Edgar nodded gratefully in my direction, took Edna's arm and headed for the town hall.

  Lady J looked at me and said “Putty in your hands David, you really don't know what you can do, do you?”

  I shrugged not understanding a thing she said. “Let's go home for a coffee dear, I'm parched.”

  The Author, Lord David Prosser, lives in a small village in Wales. He is surrounded by the characters from this book and of course has attempted to disguise their real names in order to protect the innocent or, in reality, to avoid being sued. The cat, however has already taken action against him for using his real identity in the first book in this series (My Barsetshire Diary, available on Amazon.com). His wife and daughter maintain a stranglehold on his credit cards for what they call his abuse of, and liberties taken with their fine characters. Please, reader, recommend this book to friends and buy it as gifts for Christmas and birthdays so that His Lordship may remain solvent.

  Sara Japanwalla is a Dubai based artist and fashion illustrator. Born and educated in Scotland for over twenty years, she has attended the prestigious Leith School of Art with courses specialising in textiles, fine arts, sculptures and instalations. Sara went on to gain a degree majoring in Fashion Design and Textiles to become a textile designer at one of the leading fashion boutiques on Jumeriah Beach Road. She regularly displays her artworks in exhibitions, online galleries and art cafes in Dubai and has been a finalist for the Young Designer Award at the Swarovski Bridal Show in 2007. Sara was also shortlisted and was one of six artists in Mercato’s Community Art competition held at Mercato mall. Sara is now working as a freelancer concentrating on painting commissions, children’s book illustrations and fashion illustration for magazine editorials. Sara’s Website is: www.sarajapanwalla.com