by M. A. Owens
"Two cats and a dog died because of a statue, and that's only as far as I know. And it'll be more if I don't get this squared away. I'm not after Hans, I need to ask him a few questions and I'll be on my way," I explained.
Apparently the cat in front of me didn't enjoy talking.
The one at the top of the stairs spoke again. "Fine. Tell you what, if you can defeat him in paw-to-paw combat, you can pass."
The cat in front of me turned his head to acknowledge the other's ultimatum. As soon as he looked away, I wasted no time getting the jump on him. I figured I better since he wouldn't have given me that wager if he wasn't confident I'd lose. My paw connected squarely on his mouth, sending him staggering backward. He caught his balance.
"You fight dirty, little dog."
"I'm not the one who wanted a fight. It was you and your brother up there."
He said nothing in reply, beckoning me toward him with his paw. I obliged, but he deflected my punches with ease. What was this fighting style? It was unlike anything I'd seen before. He countered with a punch that hit me in the chest. A lot harder than I expected, and it sent me stumbling a few steps back. He walked toward me, but froze when a new voice yelled from behind him.
"Stop! What is going on out here? The noise has disturbed my lunch. My lunch!"
The cat next to the doorway was quick to answer. "Master Hans, this dog came to see you, talking about murderers and threatening you. We did not want to offend you by allowing him in, so we tried to make him leave, but he refused."
"Does he have a true interest in my art?"
"In a way, but-"
"But nothing! Let him in." He cast a stern look to the cat in front of him, leaning in close so that their faces were almost touching. Without warning, he burst out laughing and slapped the cat on the shoulder.
"Master Hans?"
"Oh, lighten up! Fetch us some tea, will you? Oh, be sure to serve it in those green cups. You know the ones. I think green would be a good choice today. This is the day where everyone should drink from green cups, wouldn't you agree?" he asked, his expression perfectly serious.
"Yes, Master Hans. I'll get them right away." The cat scurried off inside.
"Be sure to put tea in them! No one enjoys drinking tea from teacups with no tea in them! Oh, right... and your name is?"
He looked to me. "My name is Trigger, and I'm a private detective. I have a few questions for you. It won't take long, I'll be out of your hair soon."
"Nonsense. Let's enjoy lunch and drink from our green cups. Oh, and it's been a long time since I've had a dog as a guest here. You can have rice! Wonderful."
I could already see there was no point in arguing with him. Seems the warning about his personality was accurate.
I was no lover of art, but once I saw what was inside I was awestruck. This place didn't look like a traditional business, nor did it look like a museum. Each statue, varying in size, sat atop decorative pillars along the edges of the wall, as though he made them to pay respects to some kind of hero or god. The floor was wood, coated with lacquer, apparently polished regularly. Probably by the ugly twins who greeted me earlier. When I stepped inside, he instructed me to put cotton socks on my feet, to not blemish the floor. He guided me to a beautiful wooden table on the furthest end of the room and we sat on small pillows rather than chairs. The table itself was shorter than any other dining table I'd see.
"Mr. Trigger, few have been allowed entry into this building. What do you think?" he asked.
I scratched my head before muttering, "It's hard to put into words. You made all of this?"
"Yes. What you see before you is my work. I have much more of it elsewhere. Although, part of what I have elsewhere isn't art of my making and not all of my collection consists of statues. Some of it is paintings, some poetry. The things in this world I admire."
I let out a light chuckle. "I know someone you'd get along with great."
"Oh? Who might that be?" he asked as he pushed his glasses up.
Those were some unusual glasses he wore. I wondered if those were also some kind of unique part of his art collection. The lenses were round and close together. They had a bright green tint that made them look more like sunglasses. Maybe that's what they were. He seemed like the type to wear them inside.
"He's a bespectacled cat, much like yourself. A big lover of art, too. Though you know now that I think about it, I don't know that I've ever seen a single piece of his personal collection. Nothing like what you've got here."
His demeanor changed. It was subtle and struck me as involuntary, so I doubt he realized. Something I said took wind out of his sails.
"I see. Well, I can't imagine anyone in the city has a collection like mine. Perhaps it's not fair to use me as a comparison."
"No, perhaps not. I heard Mr. B had quite a collection too. Never got to see that one myself."
His lip twitched. Another nerve struck. "What is it you came to ask me about, detective?"
"I acquired a piece recently and I wondered if it might be your work," I replied.
One of the hairless cats came in and placed a tray of food onto the table between Hans and myself.
"Please, Mr. Trigger, try some of the rice. I believe you'll find it quite palatable. I'd like to have it regularly myself, but you know how it is. Carnivorous diet and all that."
I stuck my spoon into the rice and brought it up to my lips, pausing for a moment before putting it back down into the bowl. I've been in the business long enough to know that when someone watches your spoon with anticipation, the way Hans was watching mine, either they're a chef who can't wait to see your reaction or someone trying to feed you something bad for your health.
I put down the spoon and said, "I heard you've made a few replicas. Ever made a replica of the Grand Gobbler?"
A nervous grin flooded his face. After a moment, he couldn't hold it in anymore and broke out into full-blown laughter.
"The Grand Gobbler? Really? You know, you really are quite the detective. What led you here to ask me that question?"
"I have my sources."
"Care to reveal them?"
I leaned in, wiping any trace of a smile off my face. That was a question I didn't enjoy being asked.
"Not on your life, pal."
He burst out into laughter again, his emerald glasses once again sliding down his nose, forcing him to stop laughing so he could push them back up again.
"Mr. Trigger, you are a meddler. You're a meddler, and you won't drink from the green cups, and you haven't even tasted a single bite of your rice. Seems I will have to hold you here until I'm able to verify who you are and your motive for being here," he said, his face solemn.
"I told you who I am and why I'm here. There. We're verified. Now, you can just kill me or let me go. Simpler, right?"
Wasn't sure what Sugarplum was talking about when she said Hans resented the way Mr. B had become when he turned to organized crime, because from where I stood Hans didn't seem all that different. Maybe Mr. B had more guts, but this wasn't a good cat versus bad cat disagreement. I could've been wrong about that part too. After all, they had another thing in common. They both liked to see other dogs and cats get their paws dirty on their behalf, so they wouldn't have to themselves, assuming my hunch about Hans was right that he was pulling a lot of the strings. I was beginning to make sense of a lot of things about Hans, and I think he knew it.
"Mr. Trigger, don't you think you're overreacting a bit?" Hans asked. "Wouldn't you also be suspicious of someone who came around asking the questions the way you're asking me?"
"Only if I was on the wrong side of the law, like I suspect you are."
He grinned. "You're very much a cynic, detective. I brought you in to see my collection, which few are ever allowed to see. I have served you both food and drink at my table. I have entertained your questions. By its very definition, I have been a most capable and gracious host. I believe you've been very unfair in describing me."
I laughed, reached across the table to his bowl and pulled out a piece of meat, tossing it into my mouth. "Yes, you're very kind in the way you break the law, imprisoning someone against their will. Also, you imply that occasionally you eat some of the rice. I haven't eaten any of mine. Care to have a bite of it yourself?"
"No thank you, detective. Your poor manners have robbed me of my appetite. Lee, Lou, please show our guest to his chambers. He'll be staying with us for a while," he called out, but no one came.
"Lee? Lou?" he tried again.
"Master Hans, stay inside!"
The voice sounded frantic. Hans wasted no time and made his way toward the door to see what the commotion was about.
He told me to stay put. Fat chance I would follow that order. As soon as he moved toward the entrance, I followed. I intended to use whatever disturbance had presented itself as a means of convenient cover for escape. I had enough figured out already that I'd be able to figure out the rest on my own. Hans was certainly the mastermind behind all of this chaos, or at the very least the fool who set it in motion. No need to waste any more time with the well-mannered warden here and his art collection, however interesting that might be.
When Hans made it to the entrance, he froze in his tracks.
27
"What is it that's brought you here, my dear? Have you stopped by to join us for lunch? Lee and Lou have prepared something delicious. Chicken, rice, and our own blend of tea served in a green cup. You know how important the green cup is. It guarantees triumph and prosperity," Hans said.
I eased up beside him to see who he was talking to... This day just kept getting better and better.
Lady spotted me, but paid me little mind. She was much more interested in Hans. He must've really made her angry, because she had plenty of reason to give me all her attention. It was all coming together.
"I want to know why your cat here attacked me while I was weakened by a trap at Kerdy's apartment," she hissed.
Kerdy's apartment? Could she still be alive?
Hans swallowed hard. "Come now, Lady. You shouldn't take such things personally. I found someone with similar interests who's willing to get the job done cheaper, and far cleaner. I couldn't have you continuing to meddle."
"I had all but delivered. Yet, you thought it wise to double-cross me. Further proven by the little detective himself standing there beside you, apparently your lunch guest. If you expect me to believe anything else you have to say, you're mistaken. You've made it personal. I will hear no more."
She had her weapon tucked behind her back, resting in her right paw. When she finished speaking, she brought it over her shoulders and into the ready position. Hans raised both paws and took a step back.
Lee and Lou reached for the weapons, which had been propped against either side of the door at the top of the steps. Lee picked up a staff, Lou the sword. They slowly made their way down the steps in unison.
"I believe much of this is a misunderstanding. It's a shame we couldn't work something out, but if you're here complaining that Lee alone almost killed you, it will disappoint you to hear that I trained them to fight as a team. Your defeating them here is not even a remote possibility. To make amends for our misunderstanding, I will allow you this one chance to walk away," Hans said, although there was a slight waver in his voice.
Lady gave her answer by taking one step forward. It was at that moment I spotted a statue near the wall; a large cat in armor, wielding a spear. It looked as though it could be scaled, with enough of a gap between the ceiling and the wall for me to reach the roof. While he was preoccupied with Lady, I slipped away for a closer look.
Although I was certain Lady had noticed me, she had already occupied herself with a more pressing matter. I climbed up the statue on the backside with relative ease. The only difficulty came when I realized it was a little further away from the gap in the ceiling than I thought. I had to make a jump, and I'm no athlete. Normally I would take several minutes to talk myself up to a jump like that, but I didn't have that kind of time. Instead, I convinced myself of what was likely the truth, that if I didn't make this jump, I wouldn't survive anyway. No matter who came out on top, neither had much love for me at this point. I made the leap and pulled myself up.
I'd hit the jackpot with the layout of the roof. I could easily see the action, and the next roof was close enough nearby to provide a quick escape. I could be gone before Lady realized which direction I went. I didn't think the cats would be quick enough to get me either. I made my way back toward the front of the roof, so I could keep an eye on everything.
The cat with the staff, who I assumed was Lee, made the first move. He rolled the staff over his shoulder and spun through the air, bringing down the staff over Lady's head in one swift strike. Lady easily sidestepped the swing, leaving the young cat surprised and off-balance. She hopped back on her left foot and retaliated with a swift kick to his chest. The strength difference here was large, though they were counting on speed and numbers. I wasn't sure they had seen Lady in action before. I had.
Lou showed little outward concern for his brother. Then again, he likely knew better than to turn his head and take his eyes off Lady. Lou stepped forward with his sword in a stance similar to Lady's.
"That weapon of yours, what does it weigh? Ten pounds? Fifteen? It looks like something you found in a junk pile near a construction site. What kind of professional uses scrap metal as a weapon?"
Lady didn't answer, she only stared at him awaiting his next move. Lady's eyes were the color of the rising sun, but that stare was as cold as ice.
Lee had the wind knocked out of him. It would be another minute or two before he could rejoin the fight. In the meantime, Lou looked intent on finishing it before that happened. He lunged forward, leading with the tip of his blade. His movements were clean and direct. Lady maneuvered to dodge, but the blade pierced her coat. Had I bet on the wrong team? I didn't have time to be second guessing myself. I pulled out a piece of scrap paper from my coat and a worn pencil. I scribbled, keeping up with the fight out of the corner of my eye.
Lou withdrew his sword, but there was no blood on the blade. He retreated several steps back. Still, Lady didn't counter as he had probably expected. She even allowed him to speak again.
"Ha, I should've known. You rely so heavily on tricks and gimmicks. That's the old oversized coat trick. I believe I'm striking your heart or lung, but in reality I've missed completely. While perfectly executed, your mistake is in your arrogance. If you were a skilled fighter, you would've had me now. You wouldn't have foolishly given me the opportunity to withdraw my blade and correct my strikes." Lady's expression remained stoic. What was she waiting for?
By now, Lee had made it back to his feet. He rejoined his brother's side and readied his weapon again.
"Lee, shall we teach her a lesson?"
Lee nodded, his expression solemn. "Let's."
The two flung themselves forward in perfect unison. Lee's longer staff reached its target first. Lady slightly side-stepped and raised her arm to redirect the blow. She only touched the staff for a moment, and the movement was so quick I was hardly sure I saw it happen at all. In the next moment she stepped to the opposite side, allowing Lou's blade to travel along its intended path, which would have been the center of her chest less than a split second ago. She raised her weapon and brought it down in one swift motion, shattering Lou's sword and splintering Lee's staff in a single strike. It made me realize just how lucky Rick and I had been. Rick in particular. We were in a tight space, in almost total darkness, and in the rain when we went up against Lady. I caught her completely off guard, and she also didn't know what my weapon did. Perhaps Rick was also a better swordsman than I gave him credit for. Whatever the reason, I felt a sudden sting of relief we had not chosen to confront Lady out in the open, and with advanced warning.
Lee and Lou lunged backward, stopping to look at one another in disbelief. They appeared to have had their fill and were content to accept any
mercy Lady may give them. They dropped their broken weapons and backed up several steps.
I finished scribbling my note and wadded it into a tight ball. As Lady stepped toward the two, I threw the paper at her. Despite not looking at me, her paw snapped up reflexively, and she caught it easily. She took the heavy bar under her arm, opened the note, and read silently. She fled as quickly as she came in. I did the same, stopping at the first payphone I could find to phone Buddy. He had officers on that place so fast it had to be some kind of response time record.
28
They arrested Hans, Lee, and Lou without a fight. The trio had a real tight story ready for the police about how it was a peaceful place to meditate and practice martial arts, but I was certain the dogs in blue would find something on them soon enough. Buddy took no one's story at face value, and mine wouldn't be any different. He was furious with me. I was causing trouble in his district and he wanted an explanation or he would throw me into the slammer along with the cats he'd just arrested. But if there was one thing you could say about Buddy, it's that he was a good cop.
"What do you mean warned her off? I ought to toss you in a cell and charge you as an accomplice. We could've had this whole thing wrapped up and be talking about it over breakfast tomorrow. Instead, you warn off the most rotten of the lot, this dangerous dame responsible for at least one murder, maybe more. Give me one good reason why I shouldn't lock you up and throw away the key. Go on, I'm listening!" he yelled. He was almost feral.
"Here's one for you, Buddy. You wouldn't have gotten her. In that big open courtyard she would've escaped no problem. She might've even taken out a couple of your officers before she left just for good measure. Put them in the hospital, or worse. Also, you wouldn't have gotten Fernando. He'd have been warned off, and with him assuming Lady had the Gobbler, you'd never have pulled him in from the cold. With my way, we get both of them, at once, in a little room that already looks like it's set up for a police interrogation. It's so small and cramped that not even Lady could fight off all your officers. She couldn't escape. Buddy, I know we have our differences, but I need you to trust me on this one. I need you to stay away from the Swindler's Den for just one more day. I need you not to go after Fernando or try to follow Lady. I need you to keep this out of the papers. Keep Hans and his two cronies locked up somewhere in solitary so they can't spread word that Lady was there. Can you do that for me? Can you trust me on this, pal?"
