Girls, Muddy, Moody Yet Magnificent

by Sue Limb

  ‘I’ve got a headache,’ I said plaintively. Mum frowned and flared the whites of her eyes at me. She only does this when really wild with rage.

  ‘Why must you always try and compete all the time?’ she snapped. ‘Don’t be so silly! Tam could be seriously ill! Do as I ask, please! Now!’

  .

  .

  11

  I went upstairs and found the least flattering pyjamas I could – quite a hard task as Tam is such a style queen and she could look good in a tarpaulin. I was furious, though. How dare Mum question my one-hundred-percent real headache (caused by back-breaking toil) while she crooned over Tam’s false pains (caused by an illicit amour)? Although of course I was desperate for my headache to clear, in another way I wanted it to get worse and worse until my head burst, releasing spaghetti hoops and bits of brain all over Mum’s freshly laundered linen.

  Soon the ambulance arrived and, amazingly enough, Tam was taken away in it, accompanied by Mum, who was clutching at her hand in feverish terror. Dad and I stayed at home.

  ‘Well,’ said Dad. ‘What a hoo-hah. Don’t worry, I don’t think it’s anything serious. Are you OK, Zoe?’ he asked, putting his arm round my shoulders. ‘You look a bit pale, old boy.’ Dad sometimes calls me that. It’s a kind of joke about how he and Mum thought I was a boy – until I was born, obviously.

  ‘I’ve got a horrible headache,’ I said. Dad stroked my brow a bit and gradually my rage started to ebb away. Then I told him all about my day at the farm, and Dad sat me down and made me egg and chips (my favourite, which we’re never allowed to eat when Mum is home).

  After supper, because it was one of those long, light evenings, Dad and I sat out on the patio and sipped some lemonade and I asked him all about holidays he’d had when he was a teenager. This was to soften him up and get him on my side when, once this Tam melodrama was over, I would mention Newquay again.

  Dad told me that when he was fourteen, he and his friend Tony had gone on their bikes, camping in the Forest of Dean. Just the two of them! And they’d only been fourteen! Right. That was terrific news. I filed it away to use against him later. Though I do love Dad dearly, it’s always as well to prepare for a long campaign.

  Mum rang to say the docs thought Tam didn’t have appendicitis, but they were keeping her in overnight just to be on the safe side. It was just as Dad had predicted. I was impressed, as usual, by my dad’s calmness and insight, compared to Mum’s deluded hysterics.

  ‘She says they think Tam’s probably got an irritable bowel,’ said Dad. Well, almost right. As far as I was concerned, Tam was an irritable bowel. Just think, while that ambulance was taking her to hospital, somebody really ill might have died. I was so tempted to tell Dad that the only thing Tam was suffering from was adultery.

  After sitting around on the patio for a while, I began to feel restless. I told Dad I was going for a stroll to clear my head. I felt heaps better since the egg and chips, obviously, but there was still a little niggle and I was sure a walk in the park would cure it.

  I love the park. There’s so much space and it’s for everybody, but at this time of day – late evening in summer, with the sun low and romantic in the trees – it was mainly joggers, and teenagers chilling out. I began to feel heaps better, even though I was still disgusted with Tam and her stupid charade – and her crazy fixation on Married Ed. Hopeless!

  ‘Hey, Zoe!’ I looked round. Somebody was waving to me from under a tree. It was Jess Jordan. Great! I could do with a laugh. I went over. Her boyfriend, Fred Parsons, was there too. They were surrounded by pieces of paper covered with scribbled notes.

  ‘What’s all this?’ I asked.

  ‘Oh, just trying to write comedy sketches,’ said Jess. ‘Are you OK, Zoe? You look a bit stressed out.’

  ‘It’s nothing, really,’ I told her. ‘I’ve got a bit of a headache, plus I’m pissed off with my sister. She’s pretending to have appendicitis because she’s involved with a married man – don’t tell anybody, for God’s sake.’

  ‘Of course we won’t tell,’ said Jess. ‘Fred, hand me my mobile! What’s Jackie Blabbermouth’s number again?’

  ‘Why resort to appendicitis, though?’ asked Fred. ‘Is he a surgeon or something? Darling …’ Fred put on a posh surgeon’s voice. ‘We’ve got to stop meeting like this – I’ve taken out most of your organs already.’

  I giggled edgily. Although I’d wanted to have a laugh, I hadn’t intended us to be laughing at this particular subject.

  ‘It’s not really funny,’ I sighed, sitting down. ‘I mean, it’s so, like, totally stupid of her to get involved with him. And now she’s trying to get out of going to Granny’s by pretending to have appendicitis! Just so she can skulk around with him!’

  ‘Chill, Zoe!’ said Jess. ‘So your sister’s stupid? At least you’ve got a sister. And it’s better that she shouldn’t really have appendicitis. Ben Jones had it, remember? He was absent for weeks.’

  ‘Still harping on about Ben Jones!’ snapped Fred, pretending to be jealous. At least, I think he was pretending. Jess turned to him with a shake of the head and a kind of fatigued smile.

  ‘I’m not harping on about him,’ she said. ‘So stop being so jealous! I’m merely mentioning his appendicitis.’

  ‘She’s never really got over him,’ Fred whispered confidingly. ‘She bid for his appendix on eBay.’

  ‘I would have won it too,’ said Jess, ‘but Flora beat me to it. She’s had it mounted in silver and made into a hair slide.’

  ‘So.’ I was feeling a lot better already. Jess and Fred are guaranteed to lift your mood. They’re going to be the next big thing in comedy. ‘What are all these pieces of paper?’

  ‘We’re writing a sketch,’ Jess explained. ‘Only it’s rubbish.’ She peered at me closely. ‘Are you OK, Zoe? Really?’

  ‘Oh, it’s just a bit of a headache,’ I said. ‘Chloe and I are working on a farm and we had our first day today, and we were in this boiling polytunnel all afternoon.’

  ‘We’re working for Major Events,’ said Jess. ‘You know – the hospitality business.’

  ‘Oh yes!’ My heart lurched guiltily at the mention of Chloe’s preferred work option. ‘The company Beast Hawkins is working for, right? What do they do? Organise parties and stuff?’

  ‘You bet!’ Jess grinned. ‘So our summer is just one mad round of pleasure! You should see Fred in his tux! He looks almost human.’

  ‘Cruel but true,’ said Fred. ‘If you’re thinking of getting married, we’d be happy to hand out the canapés.’

  ‘Somehow,’ I said with a hollow laugh, ‘I don’t think I’ll be getting married, like, ever.’

  ‘Nor will I!’ Jess declared. ‘I’m going to get divorced a few times, though – think of all the alimony!’

  The mention of divorce made me a tad uneasy. On the way home I had a dreadful nightmare scenario involving Tam being murdered by her married man’s crazed wife, who was played in the fantasy by Christina Ricci at her most sinister.

  When I got home I found that Mum had returned, pale and tragic but relieved. She and Dad were sitting in the kitchen, drinking tea. As I entered she looked up with a sudden start, as if she’d forgotten I existed again.

  ‘Zoe!’ she said. ‘The good news is, Tam hasn’t got appendicitis.’

  ‘I know that already,’ I sighed. For one thing, Mum had rung us earlier to tell us. And for another, I’d known all along that what Tam was suffering from was something that mere surgery could not cure.

  ‘How’s your headache, sweetheart?’ asked Dad, looking up from his sports page.

  ‘Better, thanks, Dad,’ I purred, walking round behind him and cuddling his shoulders.

  ‘She’s probably coming home tomorrow,’ said Mum, still not picking up on my tragic headache. She was filing her nails with anxious energy.

  ‘Well, I’m going to have an early night,’ I said. ‘Got to get up early for work tomorrow.’

  ‘Oh yes!’ said
Mum. ‘Sorry, darling, I’d forgotten it was your first day at the farm. How did it go?’

  ‘Fine.’ I shrugged. I didn’t want to tell Mum any more. She wasn’t my favourite parent at the moment. I sometimes think she’s completely fixated on Tam. I was so tempted to say, ‘Actually, you might be interested to know that Tam’s staged this illness to get out of that lovely trip to Granny’s which you set up for her – because she’d rather be skulking round secretly making whoopee with her new lover, the married man.’

  But I’m not a complete bitch.

  .

  .

  12

  The next morning Chloe was waiting at the bus stop. She looked at me from under her clouds of red hair, like a shy peeping woodland creature hiding in a hedge. Usually she plaits her hair back, so it’s out of her face. She looked wonderful. I wondered if she’d made more of an effort so she could dazzle Brendan. I had applied three coats of mascara, myself, in case I got a chance to exchange a smouldering gaze with Oliver.

  ‘How’s your headache, Zoe?’ she asked.

  ‘Gone, thanks!’ I beamed. ‘I’m a hundred per cent OK and ready to rock!’

  We had a laugh on the bus awarding imaginary prizes to everyone at the farm. Martin won it for Best Organic Beard in Show. Sarah won it for Dog Food as Personal Adornment.

  ‘What about Brendan?’ I asked, with a teasing wink.

  ‘Official Sex God for Rural Areas!’ Chloe grinned.

  Despite our eager anticipation, there was no sign of Brendan or Oliver at the farm, and Martin sent us off to a field to do some weeding.

  ‘I’ve brought a picnic today,’ announced Chloe as we arrived in the field and surveyed the rows and rows of weed-infested veg. ‘I couldn’t face the thought of that soup again. I made some tuna and cucumber for you.’

  ‘Oh, thanks, darlin’, that’s ace! I’ll bring something tomorrow.’

  We’d both come equipped for any eventuality, weather-wise. Mum had lent me her third-best panama hat. (She was saving the best two for herself and Tam, obviously.) I unrolled it and placed it on my head. I was already wearing wraparound sunglasses.

  ‘What do you think of my hat?’ I asked.

  ‘You look like an aristocratic lesbian in Miss Marple!’ giggled Chloe. ‘Here’s mine!’ She pulled a weird khaki canvas-style hat out of her bag. She also lathered herself in SPF 1,000,000 sun cream, sprayed a bit of anti-bug stuff over both of us, and put on her own sunglasses.

  ‘How do I look, then?’ she demanded.

  ‘Private eye on safari!’ I said. ‘Quite stylish in a retro kind of way. In the film, you’ll be played by Gillian Anderson. Only she’ll have to have a perm.’

  ‘And you’ll be played by Rachel Weisz,’ said Chloe. ‘But who’ll play Brendan?’

  ‘Jesse Metcalf,’ I suggested. ‘He’s hot in an outdoorsy sort of way.’

  ‘Yeah!’ agreed Chloe. ‘He could weed my cabbage patch any day. Who’ll play Oliver?’

  ‘Hmm … none of the Hollywood hunks are worthy,’ I mused. ‘Oliver will have to play himself.’

  We identified a row of carrots, sat down beside it and started real weeding, trying to look as much as possible like Gillian Anderson and Rachel Weisz.

  ‘How’s Tam?’ asked Chloe suddenly. I still hadn’t told Chloe about Tam’s absurd ‘appendicitis’ scare last night, because I was kind of ashamed of Tam at the moment. But I had to come clean now.

  ‘Guess what,’ I told Chloe. ‘This is kind of tacky, but Tam’s involved with a married man.’

  ‘What?!’ gasped Chloe.

  ‘Plus,’ I went on, ‘she’s so totally besotted with him that she staged an attack of fictional appendicitis last night rather than go to stay with Granny.’

  ‘You’re kidding!’ breathed Chloe. ‘My God! Tam is so daring! This guy must be a five-star hunk!’

  ‘He must be a loser,’ I retorted. I didn’t want Chloe to treat this Tam business as a rather stylish joke. Chloe adores Tam, which is fine, as long as she adores me even more and is basically on my side whenever there’s a fight between me and Tam. ‘And if he’s seeing Tam behind his wife’s back, it won’t be long before he’s seeing somebody else behind Tam’s back.’

  ‘You don’t know that,’ argued Chloe. ‘It might just be that she’s going to be the love of his life. My dad was married to Caroline when he met my mum.’ Whoops! I’d forgotten about Caroline. Mind you, Chloe’s dad has started to spend all his time out in the Middle East, so I don’t think Chloe’s mum can still be quite the love of his life as much as she was in the early days.

  ‘Hmmm. Maybe you’re right,’ I admitted. ‘I suppose you can’t be in love with two people at the same time – can you?’

  ‘Sometimes,’ twinkled Chloe naughtily, ‘I think I could manage five or six.’

  We laughed, and then worked in silence for a bit. I was wondering about Chloe’s state of mind – regarding Beast and Brendan in particular. I thought I’d do a little gentle probing.

  ‘I saw Jess and Fred in the park last night.’

  ‘You didn’t say you’d been to the park!’ Chloe sounded a tiny bit jealous.

  ‘Oh, I just went for a stroll to clear my head. They’re working for Major Events, you know – the same as Beast.’

  I watched Chloe like a hawk. I knew I was playing with fire, here, mentioning such dangerous subjects. Unfortunately, her face was completely hidden by sunglasses, the wide khaki brim of her hat, and some handfuls of her wild red hair which had started to fall down. I couldn’t tell if she was blushing or not.

  ‘Lucky devils,’ she said. ‘Spending the whole summer organising parties. That’s my kind of work.’

  ‘It was so amazing of you to agree to work here instead,’ I piled it on. ‘But it might have been a bit weird working with Beast, anyway, mightn’t it?’

  ‘Weird?’ said Chloe. ‘Why?’ She looked a tiny bit awkward.

  ‘Well, what if he was turning on the charm with some new girl, right under your nose, or something?’

  Chloe shrugged. ‘Cool,’ she said. ‘No problem.’ I hoped she was telling the hundred per cent truth, but I was still kind of in the dark.

  ‘What did exactly happen between you and Beast, then?’ I blurted out suddenly.

  ‘Nothing,’ said Chloe. ‘And that’s the truth. I got in a bit of a state about him, but I soon realised it was a total waste of time and he wasn’t interested.’ She didn’t sound tragic, just brisk and matter-of-fact.

  ‘Will you be OK if we run into him in Newquay?’

  ‘Of course I will!’ groaned Chloe. ‘Why wouldn’t I be?’

  ‘He made you cry.’

  ‘Zoe – loads of stuff makes me cry! Adverts with puppies make me cry – but I don’t avoid watching them!’

  ‘OK, OK.’ I flapped my arms about to indicate defeat. ‘Of course. Sorry.’

  We went on weeding for ages. I was reassured about what she’d said about Beast. That guy was bad news and I didn’t want Chloe to get hurt again.

  ‘There was one thing about Beast,’ said Chloe suddenly, ‘that I didn’t tell you.’

  ‘What?’ I demanded anxiously.

  ‘Well, after he, like, made it clear he wasn’t interested, uhhh … Well, I sent him a few stupid texts. Kind of … really stupid stuff, like, I was a bit of a love pest for a while, there. That’s why I wanted to avoid him in the street that time. It wasn’t cos I still fancy him or anything. It was because I’d been such a total idiot, all needy and gushing and … urrrrrgh! I can’t bear the thought of those damn texts.’

  ‘How did he react?’

  ‘He ignored them for ages, then one day he just sent me a oneliner saying sorry, but I was on to a loser cos for some time he’d been mad about somebody else, and please not to send any more texts as his mum had accidentally seen one.’

  ‘Oh God!’

  ‘Yeah, cringe-making! And although when we met Beast in the street I felt fine, and I was even fine when he took me for
coffee afterwards, you know, like, I was so over it, I was still just a tiny bit worried that he might be thinking of those freakin’ texts, and maybe if I worked for Major Events he’d mention them one day or something, and I’d die. So maybe it was better for me to work on the farm after all.’

  As she spoke, Brendan’s Land Rover came rattling along the field’s edge towards us.

  ‘Hmmm,’ murmured Chloe in my ear, ‘and that’s another great reason for working here. Hey! Shall we invite him to our picnic lunch? What do you think?’

  I was in two minds. If we picnicked with Brendan, would we miss the chance of a lunch with Oliver in the farm kitchen?

  ‘OK!’ I whispered, ‘Brendan today, Oliver tomorrow? Undo your top button; give him a glimpse of your divine freckles!’

  Brendan was in our sights and the poor guy didn’t know what was going to hit him. He got out of the Land Rover.

  ‘Hi, Brendan!’ Chloe grinned. ‘We’re going to have a picnic lunch today – want to join us? There’s heaps!’

  ‘Terrific idea!’ said Brendan. ‘Hop in! Oh, by the way, Zoe …’ he added, looking mischievous, ‘I’ve got a maggoty old ram in the back of the truck – he reminds me a bit of George Clooney. Take a look and tell me what you think!’

  I went round the back of the Land Rover and peered in. It was Oliver!

  .

  .

  13

  ‘Oh my God!’ I yelped, covering up my mouth. ‘Brendan told me you were a maggoty old ram!’

  ‘Fair point,’ said Oliver, smiling serenely. He knew he was gorgeous and would never be mistaken for a farm animal.

  ‘We’re going for a picnic lunch!’ I grinned.

  ‘I know,’ said Oliver. ‘I heard. Do you want to join me in First Class?’ He held out his hand to haul me up. Oh my God! I was actually going to touch him! This was progress, by anybody’s standards! I grabbed his hand (trying not to appear too desperate) and my insides turned a cute little somersault at his touch. His skin was cool and dry. I was glad. I would have had trouble with hot and sweaty. I would never wash my hand again, obviously. I clambered awkwardly up the back of the Land Rover and crashed down beside Oliver on a pile of filthy sacks.