Just Like You Said It Would Be

by C. K. Kelly Martin

  “But I wish I’d told you at the very beginning,” I said. “I’m sorry.”

  “You were never going to lose me, Mir.” Jocelyn was all-out crying into the phone now. “After you told me about that night, I was going to ask Ajay about it. Find out whether he was drunk or not. But I couldn’t do it. I didn’t want him to start looking back again. None of us can change the past, so what’s the point? And to be honest, I don’t know that I would’ve woken up my parents that night either. All I know is that it’s been bad around my house for months now. Everything’s been revolving around this one horrible thing and I had to get away from it. For a while, I just needed to be on my own, without all of my family to remind me.”

  “I get it,” I said. My eyelids were heavy and I pressed the heel of my left palm against one of them. If things were different I’d have been mad at her for running off on me without saying, but we were miles past that point now.

  “I’ll call my parents in a few days,” she murmured. “I promise. You can tell them that for me. Tell them that I’m fine too. I’ll be back really soon. I just need to be away a little longer.”

  “I’ll tell them.”

  A couple with luggage in tow pushed by me, squabbling aggressively in German. It was ear-splitting enough to be heard across the Atlantic and Jocelyn said, “It doesn’t sound like a good time there.”

  “Better since you called.” My nose was beginning to run along with my eyes. This didn’t feel exactly like a happy ending, but it was as close as we were going to get. She was safe and she’d come home when she was ready. “You promise me you’ll call your parents?”

  “Soon,” Jocelyn vowed. “Before the weekend is over. I’m sorry I’m putting this on you—having to pass the message on to them.”

  “They’ll be glad you’re okay.” How I wished Jocelyn had escaped to Dublin to stay with me instead of wherever she was—that we were snug in the shelter of my aunt and uncle’s sitting room, drinking milky tea, plowing through plates full of cream cookies and hiding out from the world together, Joss’s feet up on the coffee table in that way she had of sprawling out when she was truly comfortable in a place.

  But she was all right, and that in itself suddenly made me feel at home, in one of the world’s busiest airports surrounded by scurrying strangers.

  “They’ll be glad for two seconds and then strangle me when I get home,” she said. “It sounds like you’re going to be strangled too. I’m sorry I didn’t get in touch to stop you from leaving sooner. Is there any way you can get back to Dublin without anyone knowing you were gone?”

  “I hope so.”

  “Go do it then,” Joss commanded. “And I’m sorry if I was off-base about you and Darragh too. It’s just, you reminded me of how I was about Noah and you know what happened there.”

  “You were right in a way.” I crunched the strap of my carry-on bag in my fist. “I’m not thinking lately. I’ve never felt this way before; it’s been making me crazy. But if you could be in Dublin to see what Darragh’s really like I think you’d change your mind about him.”

  “If you think so I believe you,” she said sincerely. “Tell my parents I said I was sorry.”

  We exchanged goodbyes and an hour and a half later, after having texted Zoey my change in plans, I was on a flight back to Dublin via the same airline that had whisked me to Heathrow. Darragh wasn’t at Dublin airport when I landed—he must’ve been long gone—and there wasn’t a reply to my goodbye text either. I suppose if he thought he was never going to see me again there was no use in texting me back.

  But things had changed again—lately they seemed to change as frequently as the direction the wind was blowing—and I had a single call to make before returning to my aunt and uncle’s house to contact Joss’s parents. My arms broke out in goosebumps, gratitude for the four and a half weeks ahead of me thudding in my chest as I dug my phone out of my bag and tried to reach Darragh.

  ______

  Initially Jocelyn’s parents sounded as relieved as I’d felt in Heathrow airport. Their happiness at hearing she was fine swiftly dissolved into a cross-examination, and then an unspoken dissatisfaction that I hadn’t been able to extract more information from her. They desperately wanted her home again and wouldn’t fully relax until she was. But I think we all believed that she was on her way back.

  I hadn’t been able to get ahold of Darragh beforehand and had left him a short message explaining that I was back in Dublin. I had yet to hear from him—only from Zoey who was overjoyed about my hasty return—but he was on my mind again the minute I got off the phone with the Sandhus.

  Aunt Kate and Uncle Frank were almost finished their meal when I joined them downstairs, but my aunt had set aside a dinner plate for me. My aunt and uncle only knew that Joss had finally been in touch and was safe. If I was lucky no one except Jocelyn, Zoey, and Darragh would ever find out that I’d left the country that day in July.

  While Aunt Kate and Uncle Frank sipped tea and nibbled biscuits I inhaled my aunt’s sweet and sour stir-fry, the first food I’d eaten since breakfast. I would’ve scraped up seconds from the frying pan, but then the doorbell rang.

  Uncle Frank excused himself to answer it and reappeared in the kitchen with Darragh at his side. I watched Darragh’s face brighten as he stood in front of me in a plaid shirt, the buttons open to reveal a T-shirt splashed with David Bowie’s face underneath. “Hi,” he said, the word sinking into his cheekbones and lips in a way that seemed to stop time. We grinned at each other from across the kitchen like a pair of six-year-olds. “Can I talk to you for a minute?”

  “Hi,” I said breathlessly back. “Yeah, of course.” My aunt was already getting up from the table and I motioned for Darragh to follow me into the backyard, feeling weightless.

  I thought I’d never see him again. I thought we’d been finished. Now, as we filed through the door, Darragh’s eyes bulleted over to me; I felt it in nearly the same way I’d felt his lips on mine weeks ago.

  “I’m sorry about earlier,” I told him. A sliver of rawness expanded inside me, taking up so much geography in my lungs that it was difficult to breathe. “I didn’t want to leave before you got there, but I had to get out of Ireland before anyone figured out what I was doing.”

  “I don’t blame you.” Darragh’s voice was filled with light.

  Our feet tread onto the grass, finding our way to a pair of lawn chairs someone had left out earlier. They looked slightly damp, indicating it had rained while I’d been in London, but I turned as if to sit down anyway. Then Darragh’s fingers skimmed my cheek. I flinched, hoping he hadn’t felt the motion. “You’re still here,” he said. “That. Is. Bloody. Brilliant.”

  “I think so too.” I straightened, beaming like the Mona Lisa.

  “And Jocelyn’s all right?”

  I nodded, my eyes smarting. “It was a weird day. But a good one in the end.” To have a lump in my throat when I was so happy to see Darragh should’ve felt strange, but it didn’t. Probably because so much of what had happened so far that summer had been equally as surprising.

  “I know what you mean.” Darragh rubbed his bottom lip, his atomic blue stare locking on my eyes. “I have some good news too.” His smile slipped, and then refastened itself to his lips. “At least I hope you’ll think it’s good news.”

  “What is it?” If we’d had to say goodbye in the airport, I’d have balled the hem of his shirt into my hand and pulled him closer. But this wasn’t goodbye. It was enough for him to be here.

  Darragh stepped nearer to me, his eyes catching the light and transforming into ocean. “I did it, Amira.” He threaded his fingers through mine and I let him do it. “I told Ursula about us.”

  “Marieve?” I asked, my lung capacity failing a second time. “Is she better?”

  “She’s still in hospital, still in that eating disorder program. But I haven’t been able to get you out of my head for two minutes since the day I came back from London.” His jaw clenched. “When
I thought you’d gone home and then found out you hadn’t…Christ, it was just too hard. I couldn’t hold out another day. After I got your message I left work early and went to see Ursula. We’re done.”

  I felt my fingers heat up, tingling in his grasp.

  “I felt like a complete arsehole explaining things to her considering the circumstances.” He frowned, his blue eyes turning stony for an instant. “But she and I both knew we were never right for each other—never something real—and I couldn’t let you go back to Toronto without giving us some kind of chance. It must be only a month until you go now.”

  “Four and a half weeks.” My voice was as hollow and dry as a winter reed.

  Darragh groaned and hung his head. When he looked up he held my gaze with a fierceness that made my throat constrict. “Spend it with me. As much of it as you can. I don’t want you to be my friend. I want all of it.”

  We drew together like magnets. His hands were in my hair and then on my face. I buried my face in his shoulder, wrapping my arms around him like a flannel blanket. But I couldn’t stand the tenderness for long. We’d had enough of that last time; I needed his mouth. I drew back a fraction so that our lips could find each other.

  One of Darragh’s hands dipped into the back of my jeans, and stroked the small of my back. I couldn’t get close enough to him. Fingers on plain skin—who knew they could feel so much like magic? We kissed wild and long, so ferocious that my lips felt chapped. My fingers sank into his hair. I sucked his bottom lip, a groan growing in the back of my throat.

  For a while I barely thought at all. I disappeared into what we were doing. Hands, mouths, skin. Moremoremore. Then something pulled me back, the knowledge that must’ve been in the back of my mind the entire time—the fact that we were in my aunt and uncle’s yard and they could’ve stared out at us at any moment.

  Reluctantly, I eased our bodies apart. Darragh’s lips were puffy from kissing me. I wanted to eat him up with my eyes and kiss him until I lost feeling in my mouth, but for now we’d have to cool down.

  “My aunt and uncle,” I said, suddenly shy.

  “I hope they didn’t get an eyeful.” Darragh’s regret only lasted a second. His eyes were shining as he said, “Can we go somewhere for a bit? Somewhere we won’t have to worry about your family watching us from the doors and windows.”

  The heady suggestion made me want to twirl, spinning around and around until I fell down dizzy. If we were insane for starting something when I only had four and a half weeks left in Ireland, then so be it. There was no one in our way anymore. We could have everything, at least for a while.

  It was just like he said it would be.

  Chapter 16

  Try me anytime.

  We only made it as far as the Dublin College University grounds, a five minute walk from my aunt and uncle’s house. My left hand was tucked inside Darragh’s right, my mind reeling as we strolled through the college grounds and towards the park, a steady stream of joggers passing us. In the distance four boys were kicking a soccer ball around. A woman who was young enough to know better was carrying her over-dressed fluff of a dog, a fashion plate Shih Tzu in a neon plaid harness and matching hair clips, navigating her way around the game.

  Darragh and I sat on the nearest bench, his hand resting on my knee as we gravitated closer, mouths melting together. When we stopped for a breather the woman and her dog were scurrying towards us, both of them frowning. The woman stared directly at Darragh and me, shaking her head in disgust as though we were full out doing it on the lawn.

  “Hiya,” Darragh said cheerfully.

  The woman clucked at him and turned away, refusing to be offended by the sight of happy people any longer. She yanked the dog’s leash and it yelped, its little legs racing to catch up to her.

  “You’re bad,” I told him.

  “Just being polite,” he said, leaning towards me again. My fingers sank into his hair and we were back where we’d started—starting and starting and starting. “I wish you could come to Galway with us tomorrow,” he said finally, his face still within easy reach. “It’d be brilliant to have you there.”

  “I wish I could be there too,” I replied.

  Darragh’s lips swelled with a smile, his eyes voracious and his hand on my thigh. Our bodies were drunk with yearning and we fell back into hardcore kissing like two people who didn’t care if anyone shouted at them to get a room. “Remember what I said about being open to suggestions,” Darragh whispered when we came up for air. “You can try me anytime.”

  Try me anytime. The phrase echoed through my body, amplifying at the dips and turns.

  Darragh gripped my waist and lowered his voice. “I’m so attracted to you that I can’t see straight, but I don’t want you to feel any pressure. It’s up to you what does and doesn’t happen between us.” He pressed his lips into my forehead. It was the softest kiss I’d had from him yet. One that made me feel melty on a whole other level, downright gooey.

  “Would you come out to dinner with me on Tuesday night?” he asked. “Now that we’re together I want to make up for some of the time we’ve missed.”

  “I’d love to.”

  Truthfully, I didn’t know how I’d be able to sleep until then and once Darragh had walked me home in the fading light and driven away on his bike, I raced upstairs and wrote my sister.

  Dear Rana

  I’ve never felt anything like this before and it’s only day one, He makes me feel like I’ve woken up and that I’m being a part of me that no one else knows exists.

  I wish you had the chance to feel that way. And I wish I could be a sister to you in the same way that you are to me.

  Thank you for being next to me when I flew to London. Thank you, always, for listening and understanding.

  Love always, Amira

  Most of the weekend that Zoey and Darragh were away in Galway I spent up in Jack’s room writing. I’d fallen behind and the final draft of my script was due that week. Jocelyn texted me Sunday afternoon after calling her parents, and said she’d be back later that night. She was as good as her word, arriving home in time for dinner. Once the shit had hit the fan and her mom and dad had exhausted themselves with an outpouring of concern and fury, we had a marathon Skype session. It was the middle of the night in Dublin by then, but it’d been two weeks since I’d laid eyes on her and it was so good to see her again that I immediately felt wide awake.

  Wincing, Joss recounted the hurt look her mother had given her earlier. “I know that I scared them,” she said, “and I wish there’d been some way around that, but I needed the time to myself.” She forced a tight grin. “Don’t worry; I won’t be fleeing the scene again. I can’t believe you almost came back to hunt me down.”

  “The police were looking for you too. Everyone was.”

  “I feel awful about that. I’m sorry for what I put you through.” Joss’s fingers dove into her long dark hair, yanking it back from her face. She looked sleepy but not as unhappy as the last time I’d stared at her through a screen. “I can tell you where I was now, as long as you keep it to yourself.”

  Jocelyn explained that Ajay was the one who’d arranged her getaway with the help of a friend of his at university in Montreal. More than a friend really, his ex-girlfriend from high school. They were still close and when Joss told Ajay about her yearning to get away, he contacted Cameisha and she agreed to let Joss stay with her, in the house she shared with fellow students. “He swore he wouldn’t tell my parents,” Jocelyn said. “I took the bus over there and Cameisha was amazing. We sat in a lot of cafés and wandered around Saint Catherine Street, the Plateau and Saint Denis.” Levity trickled into Joss’s face. “I even took the ferry one day. It was like being on vacation.”

  Together Jocelyn and Ajay had thought of everything, leaving her phone hiding at home so it couldn’t be traced and only daring to access the internet through her friend’s sister’s laptop after finding out it had location blocking software installed. She’d boug
ht a disposable cell while she was in Montreal, in case of emergency. “It’s what I called you from that morning,” she said. I watched Jocelyn yawn, the irrepressible urge bouncing to my own mouth as I stretched my arms out over my head. “What time is it there?” she asked.

  “Four-thirty in the morning.” I glanced over my shoulder at the newborn sunshine seeping through my window.

  “Go to bed,” Joss advised. “We’ll talk soon.”

  “One more thing. Is Ajay doing all right?” Familiar guilt washed over me, relief streaming in to meet it. I didn’t have any skeletons in my closet anymore; I was free.

  Jocelyn tapped her fingers restlessly against the table in front of her, the sound like intermittent drops of rain. “He’s trying to find a way to be so I’m going to try too.”

  ______

  On Monday I stayed up all night giving Happiness is Easy a final polish and Darragh was there in my head every time I took a break. My parents weren’t overjoyed to hear about our upcoming date. They responded to my email with a phone call reminding me of my curfew and warning me not to give my aunt and uncle any trouble. Tuesday night Darragh and I met outside the same Temple Bar restaurant where we’d spent Zoey’s birthday. Our lips rushed together in the kind of kiss that would’ve made my parents despair.

  “Zoey told me Galway was great,” I said. She’d returned Monday morning just before the sun went up, tired but cheerful.

  “The audience was really into it which made the night,” Darragh said enthusiastically. “When it works like that there’s nothing like it. We’ve seen the flipside and it’s fucking brutal, you know? Desperate. We had a gig like that in Palmerston back in April. No one was listening. A show like Galway and the brilliant one we had in Vicar Street a couple of weeks back makes up for it.” His fingers wound their way around my hip. “How’d you get on with the screenwriting—did you finish the script up like you wanted?”