The Skeptics Annotated Bible

by Wells, Steve

  20 And Jacob stole away unawares to Laban the Syrian, in that he told him not that he fled.

  21 So he fled with all that he had; and he rose up, and passed over the river, and set his face toward the mount Gilead.

  22 And it was told Laban on the third day that Jacob was fled.

  23 And he took his brethren with him, and pursued after him seven days’ journey; and they overtook him in the mount Gilead.

  24 And God came to Laban the Syrian in a dream by night, and said unto him, Take heed that thou speak not to Jacob either good or bad.

  25 Then Laban overtook Jacob. Now Jacob had pitched his tent in the mount: and Laban with his brethren pitched in the mount of Gilead.

  26 And Laban said to Jacob, What hast thou done, that thou hast stolen away unawares to me, and carried away my daughters, as captives taken with the sword?

  27 Wherefore didst thou flee away secretly, and steal away from me; and didst not tell me, that I might have sent thee away with mirth, and with songs, with tabret, and with harp?

  28 And hast not suffered me to kiss my sons and my daughters? thou hast now done foolishly in so doing.

  29 It is in the power of my hand to do you hurt: but the God of your father spake unto me yesternight, saying, Take thou heed that thou speak not to Jacob either good or bad.

  30 And now, though thou wouldest needs be gone, because thou sore longedst after thy father’s house, yet wherefore hast thou stolen my gods?

  31 And Jacob answered and said to Laban, Because I was afraid: for I said, Peradventure thou wouldest take by force thy daughters from me.

  32 With whomsoever thou findest thy gods, let him not live: before our brethren discern thou what is thine with me, and take it to thee. For Jacob knew not that Rachel had stolen them.

  33 And Laban went into Jacob’s tent, and into Leah’s tent, and into the two maidservants’ tents; but he found them not. Then went he out of Leah’s tent, and entered into Rachel’s tent.

  34 Now Rachel had taken the images, and put them in the camel’s furniture, and sat upon them. And Laban searched all the tent, but found them not.

  35 And she said to her father, Let it not displease my lord that I cannot rise up before thee; for the custom of women is upon me. And he searched, but found not the images.

  (31.35) “The custom of women is upon me.” Laban, Rachel’s father, is hunting for the “images” that Rachel had stolen from him. Rachel sits on the “images” and says to her father, “Let it not displease my lord that I cannot rise up before thee: for the custom of women is upon me.” She knows that no man will come near her when she is menstruating.

  36 And Jacob was wroth, and chode with Laban: and Jacob answered and said to Laban, What is my trespass? what is my sin, that thou hast so hotly pursued after me?

  37 Whereas thou hast searched all my stuff, what hast thou found of all thy household stuff? set it here before my brethren and thy brethren, that they may judge betwixt us both.

  38 This twenty years have I been with thee; thy ewes and thy she goats have not cast their young, and the rams of thy flock have I not eaten.

  39 That which was torn of beasts I brought not unto thee; I bare the loss of it; of my hand didst thou require it, whether stolen by day, or stolen by night.

  40 Thus I was; in the day the drought consumed me, and the frost by night; and my sleep departed from mine eyes.

  41 Thus have I been twenty years in thy house; I served thee fourteen years for thy two daughters, and six years for thy cattle: and thou hast changed my wages ten times.

  42 Except the God of my father, the God of Abraham, and the fear of Isaac, had been with me, surely thou hadst sent me away now empty. God hath seen mine affliction and the labour of my hands, and rebuked thee yesternight.

  43 And Laban answered and said unto Jacob, These daughters are my daughters, and these children are my children, and these cattle are my cattle, and all that thou seest is mine: and what can I do this day unto these my daughters, or unto their children which they have born?

  44 Now therefore come thou, let us make a covenant, I and thou; and let it be for a witness between me and thee.

  45 And Jacob took a stone, and set it up for a pillar.

  46 And Jacob said unto his brethren, Gather stones; and they took stones, and made an heap: and they did eat there upon the heap.

  47 And Laban called it Jegarsahadutha: but Jacob called it Galeed.

  48 And Laban said, This heap is a witness between me and thee this day. Therefore was the name of it called Galeed;

  49 And Mizpah; for he said, The LORD watch between me and thee, when we are absent one from another.

  50 If thou shalt afflict my daughters, or if thou shalt take other wives beside my daughters, no man is with us; see, God is witness betwixt me and thee.

  51 And Laban said to Jacob, Behold this heap, and behold this pillar, which I have cast betwixt me and thee;

  52 This heap be witness, and this pillar be witness, that I will not pass over this heap to thee, and that thou shalt not pass over this heap and this pillar unto me, for harm.

  53 The God of Abraham, and the God of Nahor, the God of their father, judge betwixt us. And Jacob sware by the fear of his father Isaac.

  (31.53) “Jacob sware by the fear of his father Isaac.” Jacob swears. God doesn’t seem to mind.

  63 Is swearing OK?

  54 Then Jacob offered sacrifice upon the mount, and called his brethren to eat bread: and they did eat bread, and tarried all night in the mount.

  55 And early in the morning Laban rose up, and kissed his sons and his daughters, and blessed them: and Laban departed, and returned unto his place.

  GENESIS 32

  32 And Jacob went on his way, and the angels of God met him.

  2 And when Jacob saw them, he said, This is God’s host: and he called the name of that place Mahanaim.

  3 And Jacob sent messengers before him to Esau his brother unto the land of Seir, the country of Edom.

  4 And he commanded them, saying, Thus shall ye speak unto my lord Esau; Thy servant Jacob saith thus, I have sojourned with Laban, and stayed there until now:

  5 And I have oxen, and asses, flocks, and menservants, and womenservants: and I have sent to tell my lord, that I may find grace in thy sight.

  6 And the messengers returned to Jacob, saying, We came to thy brother Esau, and also he cometh to meet thee, and four hundred men with him.

  7 Then Jacob was greatly afraid and distressed: and he divided the people that was with him, and the flocks, and herds, and the camels, into two bands;

  8 And said, If Esau come to the one company, and smite it, then the other company which is left shall escape.

  9 And Jacob said, O God of my father Abraham, and God of my father Isaac, the LORD which saidst unto me, Return unto thy country, and to thy kindred, and I will deal well with thee:

  10 I am not worthy of the least of all the mercies, and of all the truth, which thou hast shewed unto thy servant; for with my staff I passed over this Jordan; and now I am become two bands.

  11 Deliver me, I pray thee, from the hand of my brother, from the hand of Esau: for I fear him, lest he will come and smite me, and the mother with the children.

  12 And thou saidst, I will surely do thee good, and make thy seed as the sand of the sea, which cannot be numbered for multitude.

  13 And he lodged there that same night; and took of that which came to his hand a present for Esau his brother;

  14 Two hundred she goats, and twenty he goats, two hundred ewes, and twenty rams,

  15 Thirty milch camels with their colts, forty kine, and ten bulls, twenty she asses, and ten foals.

  16 And he delivered them into the hand of his servants, every drove by themselves; and said unto his servants, Pass over before me, and put a space betwixt drove and drove.

  17 And he commanded the foremost, saying, When Esau my brother meeteth thee, and asketh thee, saying, Whose art thou? and whither goest thou? and whose are these
before thee?

  18 Then thou shalt say, They be thy servant Jacob’s; it is a present sent unto my lord Esau: and, behold, also he is behind us.

  19 And so commanded he the second, and the third, and all that followed the droves, saying, On this manner shall ye speak unto Esau, when ye find him.

  20 And say ye moreover, Behold, thy servant Jacob is behind us. For he said, I will appease him with the present that goeth before me, and afterward I will see his face; peradventure he will accept of me.

  21 So went the present over before him: and himself lodged that night in the company.

  22 And he rose up that night, and took his two wives, and his two womenservants, and his eleven sons, and passed over the ford Jabbok.

  (32.22) “He … took his two wives, and his two womenservants.” Jacob has two wives and two concubines, continuing the biblical tradition of polygamy.

  16 Is polygamy OK?

  23 And he took them, and sent them over the brook, and sent over that he had.

  24 And Jacob was left alone; and there wrestled a man with him until the breaking of the day.

  (32.24-32) God changes Jacob’s name to Israel to signify that he wrestled with God and won.

  (32.24) “Jacob … wrestled a man … until the breaking of the day.”

  25 And when he saw that he prevailed not against him, he touched the hollow of his thigh; and the hollow of Jacob’s thigh was out of joint, as he wrestled with him.

  (32.25) “And when he saw that he prevailed not against him, he touched the hollow of his thigh; and the hollow of Jacob’s thigh was out of joint.” Unable to beat Jacob in a fair fight, God dislocates Jacob’s leg.

  26 And he said, Let me go, for the day breaketh. And he said, I will not let thee go, except thou bless me.

  (32.26-29) God begs Jacob to let him go, but Jacob says, “Not unless you bless me.” So God blessed Jacob and Jacob let God go.

  (32.26) “Let me go, for the day breaketh. And he said, I will not let thee go, except thou bless me.”

  27 And he said unto him, What is thy name? And he said, Jacob.

  (32.27) “What is thy name?”

  18 Does God know everything?

  28 And he said, Thy name shall be called no more Jacob, but Israel: for as a prince hast thou power with God and with men, and hast prevailed.

  (32.28) “Thy name shall be called no more Jacob, but Israel: for … hast thou power with God … and hast prevailed.” God renames Jacob for the first time. (See 35.10 for the second renaming). God says that Jacob will henceforth be called Israel, but the Bible continues to call him Jacob anyway. And even God himself calls him Jacob in 46.2.

  29 And Jacob asked him, and said, Tell me, I pray thee, thy name. And he said, Wherefore is it that thou dost ask after my name? And he blessed him there.

  (32.29) “Tell me, I pray thee, thy name.” God refuses to tell Jacob his name. (It’s a secret.)

  30 And Jacob called the name of the place Peniel: for I have seen God face to face, and my life is preserved.

  (32.30) “I have seen God face to face, and my life is preserved.” Jacob saw God face to face and lived.

  49 Has anyone seen God?

  31 And as he passed over Penuel the sun rose upon him, and he halted upon his thigh.

  32 Therefore the children of Israel eat not of the sinew which shrank, which is upon the hollow of the thigh, unto this day: because he touched the hollow of Jacob’s thigh in the sinew that shrank.

  (32.32) “Therefore the children of Israel eat not of the sinew … because he touched the hollow of Jacob’s thigh.” Jews don’t eat the sinew of something or other because God messed with Jacob’s leg while wrestling with him. (Now that’s a good reason!)

  GENESIS 33

  33 And Jacob lifted up his eyes, and looked, and, behold, Esau came, and with him four hundred men. And he divided the children unto Leah, and unto Rachel, and unto the two handmaids.

  2 And he put the handmaids and their children foremost, and Leah and her children after, and Rachel and Joseph hindermost.

  3 And he passed over before them, and bowed himself to the ground seven times, until he came near to his brother.

  4 And Esau ran to meet him, and embraced him, and fell on his neck, and kissed him: and they wept.

  5 And he lifted up his eyes, and saw the women and the children; and said, Who are those with thee? And he said, The children which God hath graciously given thy servant.

  6 Then the handmaidens came near, they and their children, and they bowed themselves.

  7 And Leah also with her children came near, and bowed themselves: and after came Joseph near and Rachel, and they bowed themselves.

  8 And he said, What meanest thou by all this drove which I met? And he said, These are to find grace in the sight of my lord.

  9 And Esau said, I have enough, my brother; keep that thou hast unto thyself.

  10 And Jacob said, Nay, I pray thee, if now I have found grace in thy sight, then receive my present at my hand: for therefore I have seen thy face, as though I had seen the face of God, and thou wast pleased with me.

  (33.10) “I have seen thy face, as though I had seen the face of God.” Since Jacob just saw the face of God a few verses ago (32.30), he ought to know what God looks like. So now we do too. God looks just like Esau! Which is kind of strange, since God hates Esau (Mal 1.3, Rom 9.13).

  So all those pictures of God that you’ve seen? They had it all wrong. God is a redhead, just like Esau was. In fact, God is covered with red hair all over his body. And every time God looks in the mirror, he says to himself, “Damn, I look just like Esau. And I hate Esau.” Unless, of course, Jacob was a liar. (Which he was. That’s why God likes him so much. See 27.19)

  11 Take, I pray thee, my blessing that is brought to thee; because God hath dealt graciously with me, and because I have enough. And he urged him, and he took it.

  12 And he said, Let us take our journey, and let us go, and I will go before thee.

  13 And he said unto him, My lord knoweth that the children are tender, and the flocks and herds with young are with me: and if men should overdrive them one day, all the flock will die.

  14 Let my lord, I pray thee, pass over before his servant: and I will lead on softly, according as the cattle that goeth before me and the children be able to endure, until I come unto my lord unto Seir.

  15 And Esau said, Let me now leave with thee some of the folk that are with me. And he said, What needeth it? let me find grace in the sight of my lord.

  16 So Esau returned that day on his way unto Seir.

  17 And Jacob journeyed to Succoth, and built him an house, and made booths for his cattle: therefore the name of the place is called Succoth.

  18 And Jacob came to Shalem, a city of Shechem, which is in the land of Canaan, when he came from Padan-aram; and pitched his tent before the city.

  (33.18) “When he came from Padanaram”

  73 When did Jacob rename Luz to Bethel?

  19 And he bought a parcel of a field, where he had spread his tent, at the hand of the children of Hamor, Shechem’s father, for an hundred pieces of money.

  20 And he erected there an altar, and called it El-elohe-Israel.

  GENESIS 34

  34 And Dinah the daughter of Leah, which she bare unto Jacob, went out to see the daughters of the land.

  (34.1-31) Dinah, the daughter of Jacob, is “defiled” by a man who seems to love her dearly. Her brothers trick all of the men of the town and kill them (after first having them all circumcised), and then take their wives and children captive.

  (34.1) “Dinah … went out to see the daughters of the land.”

  2 And when Shechem the son of Hamor the Hivite, prince of the country, saw her, he took her, and lay with her, and defiled her.

  (34.2) “Shechem … took her, and lay with her, and defiled her.”

  3 And his soul clave unto Dinah the daughter of Jacob, and he loved the damsel, and spake kindly unto the damsel.

  (34.3)
“And his soul clave unto Dinah … and he loved the damsel, and spake kindly unto the damsel.”

  4 And Shechem spake unto his father Hamor, saying, Get me this damsel to wife.

  (34.4) “Shechem spake unto his father Hamor, saying, Get me this damsel to wife.”

  5 And Jacob heard that he had defiled Dinah his daughter: now his sons were with his cattle in the field: and Jacob held his peace until they were come.

  6 And Hamor the father of Shechem went out unto Jacob to commune with him.

  7 And the sons of Jacob came out of the field when they heard it: and the men were grieved, and they were very wroth, because he had wrought folly in Israel in lying with Jacob’s daughter; which thing ought not to be done.

  (34.7) “And the sons of Jacob … were very wroth, because he had wrought folly in Israel in lying with Jacob’s daughter.”

  8 And Hamor communed with them, saying, The soul of my son Shechem longeth for your daughter: I pray you give her him to wife.

  (34.8) “Hamor communed with them, saying, The soul of my son Shechem longeth for your daughter: I pray you give her him to wife.”

  9 And make ye marriages with us, and give your daughters unto us, and take our daughters unto you.

  (34.9) “And make ye marriages with us, and give your daughters unto us, and take our daughters unto you.”

  10 And ye shall dwell with us: and the land shall be before you; dwell and trade ye therein, and get you possessions therein.

  (34.10) “And ye shall dwell with us.”

  11 And Shechem said unto her father and unto her brethren, Let me find grace in your eyes, and what ye shall say unto me I will give.

  12 Ask me never so much dowry and gift, and I will give according as ye shall say unto me: but give me the damsel to wife.

  13 And the sons of Jacob answered Shechem and Hamor his father deceitfully, and said, because he had defiled Dinah their sister:

  (34.13) “And the sons of Jacob answered Shechem and Hamor his father deceitfully.”

  14 And they said unto them, We cannot do this thing, to give our sister to one that is uncircumcised; for that were a reproach unto us: