After Noah stopped shouting about his newfound love of Australia, he pulls on my hand. “Momma, I’m hungry.”
“Yeah, it’s about time for lunch. Got any more carrots?” I poke around his ribs and belly, pretending he would have them hidden somewhere on him.
He pushes my hands away, giggling. “No! I fed them all to the babies.”
“Well, we’ll have to get some real food, then.”
“Can he come?” Noah points in Lachlan’s direction, and everyone freezes. Lachlan looks to me, I look to Owen. Each of us afraid to speak.
Owen scratches the back of his head, obviously torn over what he thinks about all this. “Why don’t I call Sloane and have her come get me. You stay here with Lachlan and Noah and get some lunch.”
I expected my big brother to go full-out protector, not leave us alone. Grabbing his elbow, I pull him a few feet away. “What are you doing?”
“Sawyer, did you see the way those two were looking at each other? Noah’s not a stupid kid, he knows something’s up. If I stay, I’m going to get in the way of this.”
“And what is this?” My voice is near panic.
“Sawyer, this is how it was supposed to be.”
He’s right. He’s so fucking right it pains every part of me. We were supposed to parent this child together. If Lachlan had never left, it would be just the three of us.
But he did leave.
And now he’s a stranger.
Owen ducks down to meet my eyes. “Hey, if you want me to stay, just say the word. You know I will. But I honestly think you need time, just the three of you. To get to know one another again. I don’t think Lachlan’s going anywhere this time.”
Noah tugs on my shirt, and I blink away the intensity coursing through me. “Momma, I’m still hungry. Can we eat?”
Lachlan idles behind Noah, hands in his pockets, waiting for an answer.
“Uncle Owen has to go, but me, you, and the funny sounding guy can get some burgers, okay?”
Noah and Lachlan share matching smiles as I say good-bye to Owen and thank him.
“Be good,” Owen says. Noah responds to him, but I’m fairly certain my brother was talking to someone else.
Once lunch is finished, we visit a few more exhibits and then decide to call it a day when Noah can hardly walk on his own any longer. I strap the tired boy in his seat and give him his blanket. He snuggles it and is practically asleep before I close the door.
“I don’t know how to thank you for today.” Lachlan’s voice is hoarse, as though it’s hard to release from this throat.
I turn to face him, leaning back on the car as I spin the car keys in my hand. “You don’t need to thank me for anything.”
“He’s a great kid, Sawyer. You’ve done…. You’ve done an amazing job being his mom.”
I swallow past the lump building inside my throat. “It wasn’t easy. I made my fair share of mistakes along the way.”
“You wouldn’t know it to look at him. He’s such a happy kid and smart as a whip. He has your personality, you know. Smart and confident. Funny without even realizing. He’s you.” Lachlan steps closer, his chest practically pressing against mine. He’s so close if I raise my chin, even a little bit, my mouth would be an inch from his. Flashes of his mouth on mine race back. The memory of how he tastes on my tongue, the growls made as his hands tangled in my hair, and his body hovering over mine, baring more than just flesh. The tingles that stirred within as my name fell from his lips in ecstasy.
Those memories confuse reality and what’s presently in front me. Lachlan’s chest rises and falls at a quicker pace as his fingertips trace the insides of my palms. It would be so easy to fall back into that spot with him again, effortless.
Along with all the pleasure, I remember all the pain.
“What are you going to do, Lachlan? You can’t even begin to image how happy I am Noah got to meet you. Seeing you two together today was the most surreal moment of my life. It really was everything I’ve been wanting since the day he was born. Before this goes any further, and before we tell him who you really are, I have to know you’re going to stay in his life.”
I can’t forget he has a life beyond my world, and I don’t know if he plans to change that.
“I’m not going anywhere as long as you want me here. I wish I could erase the last six years we were apart. I wish I never walked away that night and you were still mine.”
Would he still want me if he knew what drove me out of Woodsview? Would Lachlan be here, grasping my hand as though it were his lifeline if he learned how I was able to support his son for the first few years of his life? Where the money for the thousands of diapers and endless containers of formula came from?
Even through it all, even if he knew the cold truth, do I still want him? The countless holes that make up the past six years of our lives might be too big a pill to swallow, no pun intended. Too much pain to be reminded of.
He wouldn’t be able to look at me if he knew the truth. And these are only my secrets. What about his? I don’t even know where they start or how deep they run. There are so many secrets between the two of us.
Six years’ worth.
Slipping out of his spell, I turn toward the driver’s door. “I should get Noah home.”
“Sawyer. Please.”
“Please what?” I spin around and see all the demons battling inside him.
“I’m staying at the Hilton over on Shawnee Road. I’ll be there whenever you’re ready.”
“Ready for what?”
“For our second chance.”
Chapter TWENTY-SIX
Lachlan
Three of the longest days of my life follow the afternoon at the zoo.
The day I met my son.
It’s torture spending endless hours alone in this unfamiliar and cold room, waiting for Sawyer. Harsh sunshine booms through the windows each morning, reminding me perfect days are passing by, and I’m not spending those days with Sawyer and Noah.
Each hour that passes is another sixty minutes I have to talk myself out of going to her and begging to see Noah. I don’t know how I made it five years without him, and I’ll do whatever it takes to make sure I don’t lose any more years.
I’m in the middle of zoning out over a mindless movie when the knock comes. The soul-imprinting bond that cemented me to Sawyer when we were teenagers is as prominent as ever because I know it’s her on the other side of the door.
I rush to the door only to pause right before turning the knob. Yes, she’s here, but I don’t know if it’s good or bad. I have no idea what she’s thinking or why it took three days for her to show up at my hotel room.
There’s only one way to find out. I press on the handle and pull the door open.
Fuck me hard, she’s drop-dead gorgeous. My eyes swipe from the bottom up as I take in her toned, bronzed legs under white shorts, black-and-gray striped shirt hugging every delicious curve, and her flowing blonde hair resting over her shoulders. I’ve missed how naturally perfect she is.
“I brought coffee.” She holds up two cups, one in each hand. A peace offering I suppose. Grinning like a damned fool, I take the offered cup and step back to allow her space to enter the room.
She brushes past as she makes her way inside, filling me with the scent of her. The picturesque view overlooks the small group of trees behind the hotel, and, from this spot, hues of green stretch on forever.
“Nice view.”
“I know.” My view of the back of her is much better than her view of the outside world.
She stays quiet for a moment, taking in the sights, then turns and reaches into a bag over her shoulder, retrieving a blue book. “I brought this for you.”
I place my cup on the dresser and accept the book. My heart swells as I open the cover. Pictures of a baby in a bathtub, with the biggest, joyful grin are on the page in front of me. I turn the page and see the same baby asleep in a crib, sunlight washing over one side of his peaceful face, a soot
her clinging to his bottom lip. More photos of the baby, who transitions and grows. My stomach clenches when this baby is sitting in a high chair, mesmerized by the small green cake in front of him with a “1” in the middle holding a flame.
I’ve missed so much.
I close the book and count to ten before I’m sure I can speak without breaking. I rub my hand over my face. “Thank you.”
She shrugs as if what she gave me wasn’t a tiny piece of those years back. “I don’t want Noah to seem like a stranger to you. These are just a few highlights from the last five years.” She takes a sip from her cup and places it next to mine. “Does it hurt to look at those?”
“It’s just hard to know I’ve missed so much.”
She nods, as if understanding what I mean. She never could, though. “I know. I wish you didn’t miss so much of Noah’s life.”
Noah. “I still can’t believe you named him Noah.” Hearing his name makes me smile.
“It seemed fitting at the time. I never found out the gender, and when the doctor placed his tiny gooey body on my stomach, announcing he’s a boy, I knew right away what his name would be.”
“Why are you doing this?” I’m still unable to understand why she’s so calm with me. I abandoned her while she was carrying our child.
“I’m here because of Noah.”
“I think it’s more than him. You should hate me.”
“Do you want me to hate you?” Her voice is clipped, and she crosses her arms, closing herself off from me.
“I would never want that. What I’m trying to say is I don’t think you’re here only for him.”
“Don’t do that. Don’t act as though you know me. You have no idea who I am anymore. You left behind a shell. A person who didn’t know why she was even put on this earth. I’ve changed.”
“You might think you’ve changed or your life has meaning now, but let me remind you I knew everything about you back then. Your life had as much meaning then as it does at this very moment. At least it did to me.”
“So much meaning to you that you left? You knew me so well you didn’t even know I had a drug abuse problem?”
“That’s not fair. You were so closed off from everyone, including me. I was just making my way in when I left.”
“Right. When you left.”
“Holy shit, Sawyer, this is never going to work if you keep saying that. I’m sorry. I’m so fucking unbelievably sorry!”
“This is never going to work because I don’t want it to. I don’t want you. I spent the last six years of my life convincing myself I don’t need you.”
“You want me as much as I want you. Your body can sense me. It craves me. You cannot stand there and tell me you haven’t woken up in panics because I wasn’t by your side. Because every night of my life, since that fucking night I walked away, has been torture.”
Sawyer grabs the lamp off the dresser and sends it flying toward my head. I manage to duck in time. “You don’t know what torture is!” She screams so loud her voice cracks.
“You’re not the only one who’s been suffering, Sawyer.”
She lets out a shriek once more and reaches for the remote next to her. I cross the room, grabbing her wrists and pinning them to her sides to stop her from throwing anything else. The remote falls to the floor.
“I fucking hate you.” Her words are cold and harsh and slice through me like a thousand papercuts. She writhes against me, struggling for freedom. I push her back until she hits the wall, and I press my hips into her to keep her still.
“You love me.”
“I hate you. I hate you so fucking much. I hate what you’ve done.”
“I hate what happened just as much as you do. But I fucking love you. I love you, Sawyer. I never stopped loving you. Not for one second.”
She finally allows her gaze to rest on mine, and I’m sure she sees what I feel. I loosen my grip on her wrists, and when I know the fight is gone from her, I release her hands completely and cup her face.
Our eyes search each other’s for acceptance. For forgiveness. To ensure there is at least a trace left of the two teenagers who were so madly in love it altered their universe, shutting everyone else out.
She crashes her lips into mine, and the weight I’ve been carrying inside slowly drifts away like the receding tide.
My mouth works over hers, drinking in everything about her; the coconut smell of her hair, the familiar way she tastes, the desire building in my stomach. Never one to shy away from the first move, Sawyer shoves me toward the bed, careful not to break our kiss.
I trail my hands from her face, down her spine to the bottom hem of her shirt, waiting for any sign I should stop. That what is happening isn’t okay. Her hands grip the bottom of my shirt, and, in one swift move, she lifts it. No more hesitations. I remove her top as well, tossing it aside. Her mouth claims mine again, our tongues move together, unable to get enough. My fingers work the button on her shorts, then the zipper. She whimpers as my hand slips inside. My lips leave hers in search of her collarbone and the sweet spot I know drives her insane. I lick and suck my way down her neck as she undoes my pants, dropping them to the floor. Kicking them off, I nip at her flesh as my fingers slip deeper inside her. Sawyer’s head falls back, and I run my tongue from her collarbone to her neck. She takes my face in her hands, kissing me hard.
The rest of our clothes are stripped away, and I turn her around to lay her on the bed. She wiggles her way to the pillows, and I take a moment to watch her, in all her perfection. My wildest dreams never did her justice. Her body squirms with needs I won’t deny her. I crawl over her, bending to take her mouth again.
Not wanting to break the vibe we have but knowing it needs to be asked, I break away. “I don’t have anything.”
“I’m good, don’t worry.”
Part of me knows to question what that means considering what happened before, but a bigger part of me doesn’t give a shit.
I line myself up against her, and she drops her knees to the side, opening for me. Brushing her hair to the side, I lean forward to kiss her again, softer this time, less urgent, as I slide into her. Her head tilts, her mouth forming around her moans.
I still myself, relishing what it’s like to be inside her again. Thrusting into her, her panting beneath me, her nails digging into the flesh of my biceps has me tittering on the edge sooner than I like.
Peppering kisses across her skin, I make my way down to her breasts, taking one into my mouth.
“Fuck…Lachlan, I’m going to….” She pants harder, bringing me over the edge into bliss at the same time.
I rest my forehead on hers as we try to catch our breath. When my heartbeat returns to normal, I excuse myself to the washroom to clean up.
Catching my reflection in the mirror, I expect to see the same man. But there’s someone else there. A fuller, complete person.
Exiting the bathroom, I thought I would find Sawyer dressed and ready to run out of here. Instead, she’s lying in the same spot. I pause at the foot of the bed, bending to gather my clothes. She’s watching me, and her lips form into a grin, one that reaches way up to her eyes. I haven’t seen that light in her eyes since the night I left, when it died.
She lets out a playful huff and tramps into the washroom, shutting the door behind her.
I dress in her absence and gather all her clothing. Tapping on the door, I call out. “Did you want your clothes in there?”
The door opens an inch and her arm sticks out. “Yes, please.”
I take our coffees to the sitting area and stare at the bed. The crumpled sheets of happiness.
Sawyer emerges from the bathroom and takes a seat across from me as I slide her coffee toward her.
“Thanks.” She seems bashful. As long as she’s not resentful then I’m the happiest man alive.
“Still hate me?”
“Undecided,” she teases me and takes a sip of her drink. “Huh, still warm.”
“Sorry, it’s been a w
hile. Next time it will be ice cold when you get to it.”
She lets out the loudest laugh and its music.
The next few minutes of silence are not awkward or uncomfortable. It’s just the opposite. Calm and content, bringing me back to the days of Sawyer.
“Noah keeps asking about you.” She places her cup on the table, and it seems she’s ready to talk—hopefully without lamps being thrown this time.
“I really want to see him again. He should know about me.”
She smiles and turns to stare out of the window at the view again. “I know. I think I want that, too. I’m just scared.”
It was always hard for Sawyer to admit her feelings, especially those of insecurities. She’s placing a lot of faith in me considering our history, and I’m beyond grateful for this second chance.
There was a reason everything played out the way it did, and this has to be it. Sawyer and I were damaged before. We were young and unconfident in the love we found with each other. We were always waiting for the anvil to drop. Maybe the universe forced us to take time apart. Learn things the hard way, so when we came back together, we would appreciate the rare bond we have.
I place my hand over hers. “You never have to be scared with me. I promise.”
“There’s this annual thing the town holds. It’s called The Firefly Welcome. It’s a summer kickoff party. There’s food and games for the kids. At the end of the night, they turn off all the lights in the town square, and each kid gets a jar to catch the fireflies. It’s completely folksy and such a typical small town tradition. Noah absolutely loves it.”
“I’m in.”
She lifts her cup to her mouth and smiles. “Good.”
Six Years Gone (Gone #1) Page 18
