“I told myself I wouldn’t do this to you. That I wouldn’t just walk into your life and immediately upend it, but fuck, Mel, that’s what I want to do. I want to twist you up in all sorts of ways and make you feel how you make me feel.”
“I—I.”
I don’t know what to say.
I want to say I feel it too, every ounce of it. But I’m also hesitant to throw everything away on a man who walked away from me like I meant nothing.
And now he’s back after all this time, saying all the things I’ve always wanted him to say and am now realizing it isn’t enough. It’s easy to say things when you know the other person is committed to someone else and can’t do anything about it.
Nate flashes through my mind followed by a wave of guilt, but not because I kissed Cole. No, it’s because I did not think of him even once today until this very moment. What does that say about me?
“Please, Mel, I’m fucking dying here. Just say something.” His eyes are swimming with emotion, and I swear to God I don’t know how I manage to utter the next words out of my mouth.
“I think I should go.”
That’s it. I don’t look at him. I don’t say anything else. I just turn and walk up that hill in such a daze I’m not sure if I’m really even moving at all.
When I reach the road I quickly cross it, not for one moment looking back at the man I’ve loved some way or another for most of my life.
Tears sting the back of my eyes and confusion swarms through my mind.
How is it that I’m walking away from him right now? How is it that I’ve pictured him saying those exact words to me a million times and when he finally does, I just turn my back on him?
“Mel, wait.” A breathless Cole comes jogging up next to me the second I reach my porch, grabbing my arm before I can get my key in the door. “Please. Just wait.”
“I don’t know what you want from me, Cole.” I spin on him, anger and happiness, regret and hope all bleed together in an overwhelming concoction that leaves me unsure of how I really feel in this moment.
I should be happy, right? Elated? So why do I feel so terrified?
The second my eyes meet Cole’s I can feel the tears welling and do everything in my power to keep them from spilling over.
“I want a chance, Mel. Just a chance.”
“A chance for what?” My voice sounds borderline hysterical.
“A chance to win your heart the way I should have done all those years ago.”
“It’s... So much time has passed, Cole. We’re not those kids anymore. We’ve been kidding ourselves, pretending like nothing has changed. Everything has changed. How do you even know you like who I am now? You don’t know me anymore. Not the way you used to.”
“Then let me know you, spend time with you, prove to you that even though we’re different people than we used to be, we’re still connected on a level neither of us has ever been able to understand.”
I stand there for what feels like forever just staring into those dark eyes, wondering how after all the time I pined after Cole that I’m just going to turn him away. I don’t know if I can. I open my mouth, certain that I’m about to agree without really thinking it through when the door behind me opens and my entire body freezes.
“I thought I heard you out here.” Nate’s voice behind me sends prickles all the way down my back.
And just like that, I plaster on a fake smile and turn to face him.
“Hey. I didn’t know you were coming over today.” I wrap my arms around his neck and give him a quick hug, enough that it doesn’t let on that the last thing I want right now is for him to be here. And that thought is followed by more guilt.
“Where have you been?” He steps back, taking in my attire.
“We went to visit George and Martha and ended up staying and sledding for a little while.”
“Sledding?” he repeats like he must have heard me wrong.
“It was kind of our thing as kids,” Cole interrupts, his voice so smooth and natural you would never know that seconds ago we were having one of the heaviest conversations we’ve ever had. “Thanks again, Mel.” His dark eyes flash to mine. “I should probably get back. It was really good seeing you again.” He barely looks at me before flipping his gaze to the man standing in my doorway. My boyfriend. “Nate.” He nods and turns, then without another word he walks away.
Cole left this morning. I only know because I called Corrine when I had a quick break from the photo shoot I’m at today, the soon to be bride and groom changing outfits between outdoor and indoor shots. The first words out of her mouth were, “He’s gone,” followed by, “He left about an hour ago.”
I tried to ignore how heavy the news made my heart. He begged me for a chance and then just up and leaves again without as much as a word. It’s hard to not compare last time to this time. We share and kiss and then he falls off the face of the earth. I could have sworn this time would be different.
He said things to me I never dreamt he’d say and then before I could process one thing, Nate was standing in the doorway, and I was left feeling guilty that I was upset to see him when I should’ve been happy.
I pretended like that wasn’t why I was calling and then used checking in about Sunday dinner as an excuse. I was happy to hear that Joan agreed to come. It will offer a much needed distraction from my torn and dismantled heart.
“Chin down a little. Now glance back at Teegan. There, perfect.” I guide Sarah as she sits with her back to her fiancé’s front, on the ledge of a burning fireplace.
The way he looks at her, how he holds her almost possessively, like she’s all that matters in the world, is enough to ensure my mind doesn’t leave Cole the entire three hour shoot.
Every pose, every touch, every look, I see our faces. Happy. Together. Planning our future. It takes everything in me to remind myself that as much as I want that happily ever after—that fairytale love—I don’t think I’ll ever get it with the man I imagined.
Cole and I just have too much history. There’s too many missed opportunities and too much standing in our way. To even have a shot with Cole I’d have to give up my relationship with Nate, the only serious relationship I’ve ever had. And with zero guarantees.
Then I remind myself that nothing is guaranteed. I don’t know if that makes me feel worse or better about the situation.
I didn’t tell Nate anything last night. I couldn’t. I know that makes me an awful person, but I couldn’t find the words. I will tell him what happened between Cole and me though. Tonight. Tomorrow. I don’t know when exactly. But it will be soon. He deserves that much from me.
When I return from the photo shoot late afternoon, Nate is on the couch watching Sports Center with a pad of paper in his hands.
All I can think when I look at him is how I’d rather be looking at Cole, stretched out on that same couch, arm draped over his face.
God, I really am the worst person in the world.
“Hey.” I drop my keys on the coffee table before falling back on the couch next to him.
“Hang on a sec.” He holds his finger up as he finishes listening to whatever athlete is being interviewed, not once even looking at me. He scratches something down on his notepad and then looks back up at the screen.
A good ten minutes pass before I finally just give up and decide to go get some work done. Work comes first for him, I’ve always known this. So why do I suddenly feel like I deserve to come first?
Because Cole puts you first—the little voice in the back of my head speaks up.
This has nothing to do with Cole; I try to reason with myself, but even I know what a futile attempt it is. He’s under my skin, affecting everything around me. I know it. He knows it. Hell, Nate probably even knows it. It doesn’t change one single thing though.
Pushing my way into David’s old bedroom, which now acts as my office, I cross to the desk that sits directly in front of the back window. I purposely positioned my desk there so I can look at
the trees outside when I’m working which sometimes help me focus. Setting my camera on the desk, I drop my bag on the floor next to the chair before taking a seat.
Powering up my computer, it takes less than five minutes to upload all the photos off my camera onto the desktop. Once it’s complete, I flip through the raw images, check marking the best ones from the day so I can save them to a new file for editing.
When a picture of Cole sleeping on my couch pops up, I’m momentarily frozen. It’s the exact visual I got just minutes ago when I walked in a saw Nate sitting exactly where Cole is laying in the photo.
I study the lines of his face, the definition of his arm muscle, the tiny gap in fabric where his shirt is lifted just enough to catch a small glimpse of his toned stomach. Just looking at the photo makes me feel like I’m there, reliving the moment all over again. I can feel the buzz in the room, smell his cologne in the air, and hear my heart as it pounds against my ribs.
I stare, mesmerized by the sheer perfection of him.
“Hey, Melanie.” I downsize the picture so fast I swear I give myself whiplash and then turn to see Nate as he steps into the doorway.
“What are you doing in here?”
“Just uploading the footage from today’s shoot.” I plaster on a smile, trying to convince him and myself that everything is perfectly normal even though it feels anything but.
“Oh okay. I just got off the phone with Reggie; he wants me back at the office first thing in the morning for a meeting.”
“You’re leaving already?” I question, sounding like I care more than I actually do.
Usually when he makes the drive out he’s here for at least two or three days.
“Yeah. Apparently something has come up and they need to see me right away.”
“Sounds serious. Is everything okay?” I ask.
“Yeah, I don’t think it’s anything too major.”
“Well that’s good.” Silence fills the space as he just stands there looking at me.
Can he see it? Can he see what a horrible, awful person I am and how I’m lying to him even now?
“Will you be leaving tonight or in the morning?” I quickly add.
“I should probably leave tonight so I don’t have to get up at four in the morning. I was hoping maybe we could grab an early dinner before I go though. I feel like I haven’t seen you in forever.”
“Yeah, of course. I’d love to.”
This is what I need. To function as normal. To remember what I love about Nate. How easy going and hardworking he is. How, even though sometimes I feel a little neglected, at the end of the day he always makes time for me.
I keep focusing on his flaws instead of embracing the good things about him. Cole has got me so out of whack that I feel like he’s just turned my entire life on its hinges, and I need to find a way to establish some kind of normalcy back into it. Dinner with Nate is sure to do the trick.
“Do you have time now?” he asks.
I glance at the clock. Quarter after four.
“Yeah, just give me ten minutes to finish here and let me change.” I smile and wait for him to leave the room before pulling up the picture of Cole.
I try to not look at it or any of the others of him as I create a new folder and drop them inside, labeling it only CL. I finish moving the remaining photos from the shoot today into keep and not keep files and then close out of my computer in record time.
The further I get away from this thing and the pictures of Cole begging to be looked at, the better I’ll be.
Grabbing my cell phone out of my bag, I turn the ringer back on as I make my way down the hallway to my bedroom. I always put it on silent when I’m on a shoot. I just feel like it’s more professional that way.
Pulling up my emails, I quickly scan to make sure there’s nothing time sensitive before returning to the home screen. That’s when I see it—the big red circle next to my messages box that shows I have three new text messages. My breath catches in my throat. I know they’re from him before I even open the folder. I don’t know how I do, I get text messages all the time; I just know. And it’s proven I’m right when I see a number I don’t recognize followed by the following three messages.
Cole: Sorry I didn’t get to say goodbye properly. I hope I left enough of an impression that you won’t be forgetting me again anytime soon.
Cole: This is Cole by the way. You can save my number as Sexiest Man Alive. I’ll understand.
Cole: I’m far from done with you, Melanie Anderson. I’ll be in touch. Until then, you’ll be on my mind and in my heart.
My hands shake as I read the messages over and over again. He’s not done with me? I’m in his heart?
How is it possible that everything I wanted years ago is now coming around full circle? And, of course, it’s at the least opportune moment.
Nate was there for me at a time when I really needed someone in my life. He made me laugh, taught me it was okay to put my heart on the line if it’s for something I really want, and to this day he continues to support me in everything I do.
How is this at all fair to him? And can I really walk away knowing hands down Nate is the safer more secure bet?
I need to separate myself from this situation. I need to be able to think clearly without Cole’s voice in the back of my head playing on repeat.
I lock the screen without responding and quickly strip out of my black slacks and navy blouse and into my favorite skinny jeans and a black top with the shoulders cut out. I try to keep my look subdued for clients, but I’ve always had a bit of edge to my personal style even when I was younger.
I slip on my black boots, slap a layer of clear gloss on my lips, and then rejoin Nate in the living room where he’s still watching the same show as he waits for me.
“Hey.” This time I get his attention, and he looks up and gives me sweet smile.
“Ready?”
“I am. Just gotta grab my coat.”
Dinner with Nate was just what I needed. We talked, we laughed, and we had a few beers. Not once did I think about Cole. Okay, that’s not entirely true. I thought about him a gazillion times, but not once did I let the thought of him prevent me from enjoying Nate’s company, and for me, that’s a feat.
To my surprise, Dawn and Eric were at the grill when we arrived. They were having dinner with her mom before she was taking them to the airport. They stopped by our table and said goodbye before they left, which was kind of nice.
As much as I resented her over the years, I really am happy to see she’s doing so well. Especially since it’s not with Cole. Yep, that’s right. That’s the very thought that flowed through my mind when she hugged me and told me how good it was to see me again. I found myself saying the same back to her and meaning it. Like I said, she no longer has what I want. Without that, I find I don’t dislike her near as much as I thought I did.
Nate left about an hour ago. Even though I should be working, I haven’t moved from the couch since I got home. I keep looking at the phone in front of me, the messages I know are on there is like money burning a hole in my pocket; I’m almost desperate to answer.
Correction—I am desperate.
So eventually, after cracking open a beer, even though I already had three at the restaurant, I pick up my phone and pull up the messages, rereading them all over again.
Sorry I didn’t get to say goodbye properly. I hope I left enough of an impression that you won’t be forgetting me again anytime soon.
This is Cole by the way. You can save my number as Sexiest Man Alive; I’ll understand.
I’m far from done with you, Melanie Anderson. I’ll be in touch. Until then,
you’ll be on my mind and in my heart.
And then what do I do next? Well, I save his number, of course. And under the name I do just as he said; I list him as Sexiest Man Alive.
I know I’ll have to change it, but for a moment it feels good to just look at it in my phone like that.
I contemplate send
ing a message. I’ve been radio silent since he left, and I’m sure he’s thinking a hundred different things, but I can’t think of one damn thing to say to him. So I settle on something simple...
Me: Hey.
And then I wait.
And I wait.
And I wait.
I’m through my beer and half way through another by the time my phone pings, and I swear, I probably look like a teenage girl who just received a message from the boy she has a major crush on.
Which is kind of true when you think about it.
Only I’m not a teenager anymore. I’m a grown ass woman who needs to get her shit together, like now.
Cole: There she is. I was starting to think you were avoiding me.
God, I wish his words didn’t make me feel like the most special girl on the planet, and he’s barely said anything at all.
Me: As if that were possible.
Cole: What are you doing right now?
Me: Sitting around, watching television. You?
Cole: Thinking about you.
I swear my heart skips a beat.
Me: If that were the case, you wouldn’t have taken so long to answer me.
Good job, Mel, don’t let him sweet talk you into dream land.
Cole: Maybe I wasn’t JUST thinking of you.
Now this one makes my insides squirm. God, he knows just what to say. He lights the match with a flick of his wrist and watches me burn.
Me: Um... So, how’s Brooke?
I don’t know how else to defuse the situation.
Cole: How’s Nate?
He turns it right back on me.
Me: He’s good. Went back to the city this evening.
Cole: So you’re alone?
Me: Yes.
Cole: What are you wearing?
Now this makes me laugh. I mean, fully belly, echo off the walls laugh.
Me: Wouldn’t you like to know?
Cole: I would actually, very much. But I’d rather be there in person to see for myself.
Me: Then why aren’t you here?
How We Fall Page 10
