Dancing Naked

by Shelley Hrdlitschka

  As the bus shuddered to a stop, Kia glanced at her watch. With any luck, she’d beat her parents home and would have time to make the phone calls. Her sister, Angie, would still be at after-school care ...

  Angie. Kia felt a pang of guilt. Last night at dinner nine-year-old Angie had looked up at her with those big, trusting brown eyes and pointed out that Kia hadn’t picked her up from her daycare in ages, since before Christmas. As if from a great distance, Kia had heard herself promising that she’d pick her up the very next day, saying they’d hang out together, just the two of them, just like they used to do. She’d said it, knowing full well that she had a doctor’s appointment. What had she been trying to prove? That she was still the perfect big sister? The word “denial” floated fuzzily to the surface of Kia’s consciousness, but she pushed it back down.

  She decided to stop by right now and collect Angie, even though it was almost time for their parents to arrive home.

  Kia stepped off the bus and began the short walk to the daycare. How would Angie take the news about the baby? She felt her stomach flip. She would be shocked. Or disgusted. Probably both. Her one night of sex with Derek was going to affect more lives than she would ever have thought possible.

  Kia spotted her mom’s car in the driveway of the daycare the moment she turned onto the street. She stopped and considered leaving so she wouldn’t have to explain where she’d come from, but before she could, her mom and Angie emerged from the house. Her little sister bounced down the front steps, spotted Kia and waved. “Hey Ki!” she called out. “Perfect timing. Now we can both get a ride.”

  Her mom looked up, surprised. “Where did you come from, honey?”

  “I just got off the bus. I came to pick up Angie. How come you’re here so early?”

  “My last class got out early.” She studied Kia, puzzled. “Where did you go on the bus?”

  Kia felt her face flush. She was a lousy liar. With a sudden change of heart she decided not to lie. “I had a doctor’s appointment.”

  “You did?”

  “Uh-huh.”

  Kia watched her mom’s face change as a whole range of emotions flashed across it.

  “Don’t worry, Mom. I’m okay. I’ll tell you about it later.”

  “Oh.” Her mom looked at her with a blank expression and then climbed into the car. She glanced at Angie, and then a look of realization crossed her face. “Ohhh,” she said again.

  “You can tell me,” Angie said, accurately reading her mother’s reaction. “I’m not a little kid. I keep telling you, I’m too old for that stupid daycare too. They’re all babies there. I have nothing to do.”

  Kia felt herself flinch at the word “babies.”

  “One more year, Angie,” her mom said patiently. “That’s all.”

  They rode home in silence, Angie already forgetting about the doctor’s appointment. Kia swallowed. The ever-present nausea had intensified. She’d committed herself. Tonight was the night.

  When she got home, she went straight to her room, shut the door behind her and pulled out her journal.

  Feb. 5

  I hate myself.

  I don’t deserve this family.

  Maybe I’ll wake up and find this was all just a bad

  dream.

  I wish.

  Angie had gone to a movie with a friend, so Kia was alone in the house with her parents. She found them both in the family room, her dad reading the paper and her mom leafing through a textbook.

  “So, you said you went to see the doctor today, Kia?” her mom asked in a deliberately casual voice, but Kia noticed the twitching foot. “Is everything okay?” She closed her book and regarded Kia with her dark, almond-shaped eyes.

  Kia plunked herself into a chair and faced them. She wondered if they could hear the racket her heart was making in her chest. “I was at the doctor’s, but not Dr. Eldridge. I’ve found a new one. Her name is Dr. Miyata.”

  “What’s wrong with Dr. Eldridge?” asked her mom.

  “Nothing.” It came out defensive, slightly angry, despite her attempt to remain calm.

  “Okay,” her father said, nodding, encouraging her to go on, but Kia could see the reddish flush that was creeping up his neck. His bright blue eyes stared back from under thick, graying eyebrows.

  Kia drew in a deep breath. This was the moment. She felt her own face burning. “I’m about eleven weeks pregnant.”

  Her father’s skin turned completely crimson, and the textbook on her mother’s lap dropped unnoticed to the floor.

  “You’re sure?” her father asked quietly.

  “Yes. I’ve been tested.” Kia found she couldn’t meet his eyes.

  “I didn’t know you were sexually active.” Kia’s mom’s face looked pale in contrast to her dad’s.

  Kia rolled her eyes. Sexually active made it sound like she was doing it all the time. “I’m not, Mom. I did it once. That’s it.”

  Her parents continued to stare at her.

  “I don’t blame you if you don’t believe me about the just once part,” she said, uncomfortable with the silence. “I find it hard to believe too. And I guess it doesn’t matter whether it was once or a hundred times. We used birth control but I got pregnant and now I have to deal with it.”

  “Derek?” her dad asked.

  “Yeah.” Kia nodded, looking away. “That’s the worst part. I just figured out he’s a complete jerk.”

  The icy silence returned.

  “I knew a couple weeks ago,” she said, rambling on just to break the absolute quiet in the room. “I didn’t want to hurt you, and Derek insisted, so I went to a clinic to have an abortion. I got as far as the procedure room before I changed my mind.”

  “Changed your mind?” her dad asked, as if that wasn’t clear enough.

  “Yeah. Changed my mind. Decided I was not going through with it.”

  “Why not?” he asked.

  “Because.”

  “Because?”

  “Yeah. It didn’t feel right.”

  “It didn’t feel right.”

  “That’s what I said.”

  “So you’re not going to have an abortion?” he asked.

  “No, I’m not.” Kia wondered what it was about the words “not going through with it” that he didn’t understand.

  “The pickles ...” her mom said.

  Kia’s dad looked at his wife, puzzled. She just shook her head.

  “Derek doesn’t know I haven’t had the abortion.” Kia clenched her fists, her nails digging into her palms. “He’s going to be really ticked. But I don’t care. He was a huge mistake and it’s none of his business what I do.”

  Her parents continued to stare mutely, so she continued. “I’ve talked to Reverend Petrenko about it. And Justin Reid knows too. He came to the abortion clinic with me.”

  “You told all of them but you didn’t tell us?” her mom asked quietly.

  Kia cleared her throat. “I didn’t want to hurt you,” she said. “If I’d had the abortion you’d never have known, and you would have gone on thinking I was the perfect daughter.”

  “We know you’re not the perfect daughter, Kia,” her dad said defensively. “Nobody’s perfect, and that includes you.”

  “I always felt like I had to be.”

  “Oh.” Her parents glanced at each other.

  “So if you’re not going to have an abortion,” her dad continued, clearing his throat, “that means you plan to have a baby.” He seemed to have pulled himself together more quickly than her mom.

  “Yeah. I am. And I was thinking about that this afternoon. I know it’s going to be embarrassing for you and Mom and really hard on Angie. If you’d like me to go away for awhile ...”

  “Go away?” Her father frowned, running his hand across the remaining gray bristles on the top of his head. “Where would you go?”

  “I could go stay with ... I don’t know. We must know someone who would take me in until after the baby is born.”

  “I�
�m sure we could think of someone,” he said. “But,” he looked at his wife, “I don’t want you to go away.”

  Kia’s mom closed her eyes and shook her head. Kia sensed she was in some kind of shock. “Unless you want to,” she said quietly.

  “No. I’m kinda getting used to the idea of being pregnant.”

  They sat quietly for another minute. Then her father got up and began to pace in front of the fireplace. He came to a halt and looked down at her.

  She knew exactly what he was going to say.

  “Are you sure you won’t reconsider?”

  Kia shook her head and folded her arms around her stomach. She glanced at her mom, unnerved by her silence. Her hands were clenched in her lap and her head was bent forward. She looked like she was praying.

  “It would be the best thing for everyone,” her dad continued.

  “Not for the baby.”

  “You were our baby, Kia,” he argued. “And we want what’s best for you. If you have an abortion you’ll be able to get on with your life again. We can forget this ever happened.”

  Kia shook her head. She looked to her mom for support, but she couldn’t see her face.

  “Give it some more thought,” her dad encouraged, his voice sounding hoarse. “I think you’re making a big mistake.”

  “It seems so obvious to you, doesn’t it, Dad?” Kia’s own voice was trembling. “Just get rid of it. Out of sight, out of mind.” Kia folded her arms across her chest. “I thought that was the answer too, but I was wrong.” She glanced at her mom again, puzzled by her silence. She saw her dad look at his wife too, then sink back on the couch. “You know,” she continued, “I was going to wait a few more weeks before I told you about the baby just to avoid this conversation.”

  Her mom finally looked up, then turned to look at Kia’s father. Their eyes met. Kia wondered what message had passed between them. Her father cleared his throat again. “You seem to have thought this through.”

  “I have.”

  He slumped a little deeper into the couch. “So what happens after the baby is born?”

  “I don’t know yet.” She shook her head. “Reverend Petrenko says he can hook me up with couples waiting to adopt. If I want, I can choose the baby’s parents.”

  Kia looked into her mom’s eyes. Kia had to look away, and for a moment she wished she’d gone through with the abortion.

  “If you want?” her dad asked. He sat up suddenly. He leaned toward her, frowning. “What does that mean exactly?”

  Kia was surprised to hear the impatience in his voice. This had pushed even his tolerance, and it was usually high.

  “I just don’t know yet,” Kia said. “Give me some time.”

  He slammed his fist on the coffee table, making Kia jump at the unexpected force of it. “You better get a grip, girl,” he said, his voice husky. “I can understand that you won’t have an abortion. But don’t plan to raise this child. I won’t support that decision.”

  Kia looked at her mom and nodded. They’d made themselves perfectly clear. The battle lines were drawn. Kia just had to decide whether she was in the fight.

  Feb. 6

  I have redefined myself.

  No longer the perfect child.

  I feel release.

  From: Kia

  To: Justin

  Date: Feb. 7

  Subject: the talk

  hi justin. i did it, told my parents ‘the news’. i might as well have taken a knife and plunged it through their hearts. i think if i’d confessed to being a drug addict or a hooker it wouldn’t have hurt them more. they didn’t yell or scream. i wish they had. then i wouldn’t feel so alien on those days when i flip out.

  k

  From: Justin

  To: Kia

  Date: Feb. 7

  Subject: Re: the talk

  hi kia & peanut,

  i’m proud of you kia. that is one of the hardest things u’ll ever have to do, and i bet u did it with style. once they’re over the shock it will get easier. imagine how u’d feel if they’d given u some tuff stuff, like they were separating or something. u’d feel devastated & angry, but as u grew used to it u’d accept it. your parents are doing the same thing. they don’t love u any less. they just have to get used 2 the new u. give them time.

  T.O.Y.

  justin

  From: Kia

  To: Justin

  Date: Feb. 7

  Subject: A request

  hi justin.

  how did you get so wise? those old people u work with are lucky, but i think maybe you’d make a good minister. did you ever think of that? or a shrink or something.

  i have a question to ask u, but u have to promise to say no if u don’t want 2 do it. promise? cross your heart? ok. i need someone 2 go 2 prenatal classes with me. i’ll ask shawna if you’re not into it. really. truly. it’s not a problem.

  k

  From: Justin

  To: Kia

  Date: Feb. 7

  Subject: Re: a request

  hi kia and little peanut.

  i’d love 2 go 2 prenatal classes with u. it may be the only chance i’ll ever get. is it ok if i call myself uncle even if i’m only a pretend one?

  and no, i’ve never considered being a minister or psychiatrist. lol. can u see me trying 2 act proper, with a suit and tie? or even a jacket and lace-up shoes? i like my old people. so many of them are lonely and it’s my personal goal to make each one of them laugh every day, or at least smile. i don’t think I’ve failed yet. a perfect record. how’s that for job success?

  hugs,

  uncle justin (it has a nice ring 2 it, don’t u think?)

  From: Kia

  To: Justin

  Date: Feb. 7

  Subject: uncle justin

  I love it!! :-)

  i’m going to tell angie and shawna about the peanut this weekend. wish me luck. and then i think it’s time to tell the youth group. so bring some ice packs in case anyone faints.

  k & p

  From: Justin

  To: Kia

  Date: Feb. 7

  Subject: Fingers and toes are crossed

  hi kia & peanut,

  it will be a historical moment in the youth group’s check-in. expect a group hug. and good luck with angie and shawna. they luv u. they’ll accept what u’re doing.

  ttfn

  uncle justin

  From: Kia

  To: Justin

  Date: Feb. 7

  Subject: Sex!

  justin,

  it’s not whether they’ll accept what i’m doing that bothers me. it’s whether they’ll accept what i’ve done. shawna will. angie will think it’s gross. (right now I think it’s gross too. i may be off sex for the rest of my life. lol)

  k & p

  From: Justin

  To: Kia

  Date: Feb. 7

  Subject: Re: Sex!

  kia,

  catchy subject! i did lol. and i don’t think u need 2 worry about being off sex for the rest of your life. the human sex drive is an impressive thing.

  so when do prenatal classes start?

  hugs to u both

  uncle justin

  From: Kia

  To: Justin

  Date: Feb. 7

  Subject: Prenatal

  hi justin,

  you’re right about the sex drive thing. perhaps we need a pill to turn it off until we’re old enough 2 “handle the responsibility” as they say. (and i’d pay someone to give derek an overdose. ha ha.)

  prenatal classes start in 2 weeks. the first ones are mostly about nutrition and exercise. then they start up again in t
he spring and we learn about birth and babies.

  c ya mon.

  k & p

  Shawna wrapped the elastic around the bottom of the French braid. “There,” she said, standing back and assessing her handiwork. “Perfecto moi.”

  “Perfecto moi? Stick to Russian, Shawn.” Kia twisted her neck to see the back of her head in the mirror. “Not bad. Next week it’s cornrows. You’d better start practicing on one of your old Barbie dolls.”

  Shawna smiled, reached into the bowl of popcorn and sat back on Kia’s bed. “This is fun. We haven’t done it in ages. Remember our Friday-night make-over parties? We were going to open our own beauty shop. You’d do facials and manicures and I’d do hair.”

  “Yeah, well, guess what? My dreams went down the tube when Diana told me I’d have to do pedicures too. Yuck.” Kia plugged her nose. “Think of all the toe jam and stinky feet.”

  Shawna made a face. “And did you hear about the hairdresser who went home after work and found head lice squirming around under her fingernails?”

  “No way!”

  Shawna laughed. “No. I just made that up.”

  Kia grinned and chucked a piece of popcorn at her. But then an awkward silence descended again. Things hadn’t been the same between them since the afternoon they’d walked home from school together and Kia had snapped at Shawna. And now Kia was trying to find a way to tell her about the baby, but she just didn’t know how. Shawna had been unusually quiet too.

  “Is everything okay with you, Ki?”

  Kia turned to Shawna, surprised. “Yeah, why?”

  “You seem ... I don’t know, like, spaced out or something.”

  “Yeah, well, I guess I am.” This was the moment. She sat up, took a deep breath and opened her mouth to break the news, but Shawna interrupted her.

  “And Derek’s been spreading some ugly rumors about you.”