Dancing Naked

by Shelley Hrdlitschka

  C U tomorrow!

  Uncle J

  “Haven’t you got any homework tonight, Kia?” asked her dad after dinner that night. Without being asked, she’d begun loading the dishwasher and putting away the leftover food. She realized, too late, that her behavior looked suspicious.

  “Yeah, but I left my book bag in Derek’s car this afternoon,” she admitted. “And I don’t want to call him to get it back.”

  “Derek’s car?” he asked.

  She nodded, and began to fill the sink with water.

  “You were in his car, but now you don’t want to call him? What’s going on, Kia?”

  Kia glanced at Angie, sitting at the kitchen table with her homework laid out in front of her. Angie turned her attention back to her books and pretended to concentrate.

  “I broke the news about the baby to him. The news that I’m still pregnant.”

  “Yeah? And?”

  “He didn’t take it too well. He’s really ...” Kia paused, looking for a polite term. “Angry.”

  “Well, I guess so. You told him you were going to ...” Now her father glanced at Angie. His voice changed, taking on a placating tone. “How about doing your homework in your room tonight, honey?” he suggested.

  Angie slammed her books shut but didn’t say anything. She made a point of stomping out, although Kia suspected she was secretly relieved to leave the room. Any talk of the baby made her uncomfortable.

  When she’d left, Kia’s father continued. “You led him to believe you were having an abortion, right? Of course he’d be angry. He’s feeling deceived.”

  Kia shrugged. “I guess.”

  “Deceived and overwhelmed, I would think.”

  Kia began to wash the dishes.

  “So what did he say?”

  “Not much. He wanted to go make another appointment right away.”

  Her father picked up a tea towel and began to dry the dishes. “Can’t say I blame him. I suppose you’re still not willing to reconsider?” he asked, hopefully.

  “No, Dad, I’m not.”

  “Well,” he continued, disappointment apparent in his voice, “he deserves an explanation. And you need to get your books. Why don’t you invite him over?”

  “Are you serious?”

  “Yes, I am.”

  Kia sighed. “If he comes over, you’re not going to say anything to him, are you?”

  “Like?”

  “Like yell at him for what he did.”

  “For what he did?”

  “Okay,” she said quietly. “For what we did.”

  “I didn’t yell at you, did I?”

  “No. Maybe you should have.”

  “I don’t see what good that would have done.” Her dad looked down at her. She noticed how tired and sad he appeared. “I think it’s a little late for lectures, don’t you? And accidents happen. I promise to keep my thoughts to myself.”

  Kia thought about it. At least if Derek came to her house he couldn’t pull any more stupid moves like he had in the car today. “Okay,” she agreed, drying her hands. She went down the hall to her mom’s small office and dialed his number.

  “Derek, it’s me,” she said when he answered the phone.

  “What do you want?” he asked. “Oh, let me guess,” he continued, without waiting for an answer. “You came to your senses and you made another appointment.”

  “We need to talk, Derek. And I need my bag from your car.”

  “There’s nothing to talk about, Kia, until you do what you were supposed to.”

  “That was a stupid move you pulled today.”

  “Oh, you want to talk about my driving?”

  “No, Derek, you know that’s not it. Why don’t you come over, bring my book bag, and we’ll talk ... about the baby.”

  “Are you nuts? What’s there to talk about? If you want your stupid books come and get them yourself. I have nothing more to say to you.”

  “This is your baby too, Derek. Doesn’t that mean anything to you?”

  “Yes, it does, Kia,” he said quietly. “It means you and I were a big mistake, right from the start. I misjudged you. I would never have thought you’d do something this stupid.”

  “Derek ...”

  “I have nothing more to say. Get an abortion, then we’ll talk.”

  The phone went dead. Kia hung up and slumped in the chair. A moment later she sensed her father standing in the doorway.

  “Well?” he asked. “Is he coming over?”

  “No. He’s too busy right now.” Kia didn’t know why she was covering up for him.

  “Do you want me to take you over there then, to get your books?”

  “Yeah, thanks.”

  When they arrived at his house she found her bag outside the front door. She picked it up, grateful not to have to see him, and climbed back into her father’s car. They rode home in silence. When they pulled into the driveway, her father patted her knee and said, “He’ll come around.”

  “Maybe.”

  “He will. You’ll see. Finding out you’re going to have a baby is quite a shock.”

  Kia nodded. “I know.”

  Feb. 26

  I hate him, hate him, hate him.

  I hate that my baby is half him.

  Will I hate my baby if she looks like him?

  How could I ever have found that shallow jerk so ... oh god, so perfect?

  Was it just a physical attraction? Am I that shallow too?

  Oh god. I hate me too.

  the second trimester

  Justin took Kia’s hand as they approached the community center where the first prenatal class was being held. She looked up at him, surprised.

  “I’m your partner,” he said. “Okay?”

  She nodded, noticing how warm his hand was against her cold one.

  “And partner can mean just about anything these days,” he said. “So it’s not really a lie.”

  Kia nodded again. Partner. She liked the sound of it.

  Dr. Miyata had been right about the prenatal class—there was an interesting mix of expecting couples there. All skin colors were represented, and there was a wide range of ages. Some of the women looked old enough to be grandmothers, Kia thought, but no one looked as young as she did.

  They were greeted with warm smiles and Kia began to relax. This might not be so bad after all. The couples tended to be holding hands or touching in some way, so Justin put his arm around her and she leaned into him. It felt like the perfect fit.

  “Good evening, moms and partners,” said Shannon, the prenatal instructor.

  “And uncles,” Kia whispered. Justin squeezed her shoulder.

  “Welcome to our first class,” Shannon continued. “We have a lot to talk about tonight. Before we get started, I want each of you to introduce yourselves and tell us how you feel about having a baby.”

  Kia’s stomach knotted up. This was exactly the kind of warm and fuzzy stuff she didn’t want to get into. She listened to one couple after another describe, in a gush of emotion, what having a baby meant to them. When it was their turn, Kia introduced herself and then Justin, as her partner. She turned to the next couple, hoping to bypass the “feeling” part, but it didn’t work.

  “And what are your feelings about the baby?” Shannon asked.

  “We’ve nicknamed it Peanut,” Justin said, jumping right in as if he really was the proud father. “And he, I mean she,” he winked at Kia, “has a wonderful mother.” There was a smattering of applause. Kia felt her face burn, but her heart was racing. “I don’t know about Kia,” he said, “but I’m in awe of this whole pregnancy and birth thing. It’s so miraculous.” There was a murmur of agreement all around the room. He looked down at Kia and she nodded at him. She wasn’t sure if her pregnancy was miraculous or just a disaster, but she was glad Justin had come to her rescue once again.

  Later, over hot chocolate, Kia thanked him once more for coming along.

  “Hey. It was fun,” he assured her. “For a few
minutes there I forgot that I really wasn’t the father.” He smiled, but it was a sad smile.

  “And I was wishing you really were him too,” she said, then quickly corrected herself. “I don’t mean him, Derek, I mean him, the real father.”

  “I knew what you meant.”

  The warmth she saw in his eyes felt like a hug.

  They sat quietly for a few minutes, each lost in thought.

  “Having a baby really brings couples closer, doesn’t it? There was so much love in that room,” Justin commented.

  Justin’s usual cheeriness was gone and a melancholy thoughtfulness had taken its place. Kia wished she could read his thoughts. What was it about the prenatal class that had made him sad? She stared into her own mug. Did he realize she’d meant what she’d said? That she really did wish he was the father?

  She looked up and found him staring at her. She felt herself blush but didn’t know why. “I’m afraid I’m going to be awfully attached to this baby by the time it’s born,” he confessed.

  She nodded. “Me too.”

  “But it’s your baby. Not mine.”

  “That doesn’t matter.” She studied him, puzzled. He didn’t meet her gaze. “Have you changed your mind?” she asked, trying to swallow her alarm. “I wouldn’t blame you. You don’t have to go through with this prenatal stuff, you know. I’ll understand. Honest.”

  He reached across the table to touch her arm. “No, no,” he answered softly. “Nothing like that. I think I’m just experiencing some paternal pangs or something.” He smiled, and Kia noticed the light was back in his eyes.

  “You’ll probably have dozens of your own babies,” Kia teased, relief flooding through her. She didn’t know what was bothering him, but she knew she wanted him with her for the next six months. And after that ...

  “How old are you, Justin?” she asked.

  “Don’t you know it’s not polite to ask a person’s age?” he teased.

  “How old are you?” she repeated.

  “Twenty-three, if you really must know.”

  So, there was six years between them then, which might seem like a lot now, she thought, but it wouldn’t be once she was an adult. And if she kept the baby she’d be a parent. How much more adult could you get?

  “Baseball tryouts are next Saturday,” Shawna said.

  “What time?” Kia asked. They were walking down the crowded school hallway toward their next class.

  “Noon, I think. I wonder if we’ll keep the same positions this year.”

  “I hope so,” Kia said. “Last year was so ... damn!” She came to a sudden stop and then had to fight her way over to the wall to avoid being trampled by the crowd of students coming up behind her.

  Shawna followed. “What?”

  “I can’t play this year,” said Kia.

  “Why not?”

  Kia watched as realization dawned on her friend’s face.

  “Oh yeah.”

  “I forgot all about baseball.”

  “What are you going to tell the others?”

  “The truth, I guess. I know I’m not showing yet, but it’s bound to happen soon.”

  “I guess that means Camp Chewelah is out too.”

  Kia nodded. “The baby’s due at the end of August. I don’t think they’ll want a junior counselor who’s pregnant.” She sighed. “I forgot all about that too.”

  “It was going to be a blast.”

  “I know. Maybe next summer.” Maybe. If she didn’t have a one-year-old child. With a heavy heart, Kia followed Shawna into Math class.

  March 1

  This detour is full of pitfalls.

  What’s so great about that?

  I’m not even a real mom yet, but I’ve already had to give up so much.

  What’s the big deal about being a parent anyway?

  Kia crossed her legs and gritted her teeth. “I can’t hold on much longer. I’m going to explode!”

  Justin approached the woman who sat behind the desk at the ultrasound clinic. “Can you tell us how much longer? Kia’s not going to make it.”

  The woman reached under the desk and pulled out a plastic container that resembled a measuring cup. “Perhaps she could void about four ounces. To here,” she said, indicating a line on the cup.

  “You’ve got to be kidding!” Kia wailed. “Once I start peeing there’ll be no stopping.”

  Justin stared helplessly at Kia.

  “That’s it,” she said, getting to her feet. “Point the way to the washroom. I’ve got to go, now.”

  The door to the ultrasound room swung open and a technician whose name tag identified her as Yvonne stepped into the waiting room. “Are you Kia?” she asked.

  “I am, but I’m on my way to the washroom,” Kia said. “I can’t wait another second.”

  “Come on in and lie down,” Yvonne said. “It will take the pressure off your bladder. You need to have a full bladder to help us see the baby, but the exam will only take a few minutes and then you can go to the bathroom. You’ve come this far, it would be a shame not to do the ultrasound now.”

  Kia took a deep breath, clutched the back of her gown together and entered the dark room.

  “I’ll call you in a moment,” Yvonne said to Justin. “Once I’ve taken the measurements you’ll be able to get a sneak preview of your baby.”

  Justin nodded and returned to his seat.

  Kia climbed up on the cot and lay down. Immediately she felt some relief on her throbbing bladder. Yvonne pulled the medical gown up to Kia’s navel after covering her from the hips down with a sheet. Kia flinched when the woman squirted a cool gel on her stomach.

  “I’m sorry, I know it’s cold, but it helps the paddle move.” Yvonne placed an instrument on Kia’s skin and swirled it through the gel. Then she began to peer into a screen as she slowly moved the paddle around Kia’s lower abdomen. Now and again she stopped and pushed some buttons on her computer.

  “This is a real active little guy,” Yvonne said, rotating the paddle. “He won’t stay still long enough for me to measure him.”

  “Him?”

  “Him or her. I’m not going to tell,” she said with a smile. “But it is kicking up a storm. A real swimmer.” She pushed a little harder on the paddle and studied the screen. Suddenly she hit a couple more keys. “There, got it.”

  “Is everything okay?”

  “Everything looks fine. I’ll send the report to your doctor and she can go over it with you. Should I go and get the young man?”

  “Sure. Thanks.”

  Yvonne swiveled the computer screen so it was facing Kia and then went to the door to call Justin. After he had taken a seat, he picked up Kia’s hand, and they studied the image on the screen together.

  “This is its head,” Yvonne said, pointing at a dark area near the top of the screen. She pushed harder on the paddle as she studied the image. “And this is one arm, the other arm, and down here are the legs.”

  “I can’t see anything,” Kia said, disappointed.

  “Me neither,” said Justin.

  “Try looking at this area,” Yvonne suggested. “I’ve got it magnified so that what you see is bigger than what it is. Oh, look! It’s just put a hand to its mouth. I bet it’s sucking its thumb!”

  “Oh, I see it!” Justin exclaimed. He pointed at something on the screen. “Look, Kia, the back is curved quite a bit and its head is facing down.”

  “Huh? All I see are black clouds moving in and out on the screen.”

  Yvonne used an arrow to point to a dark area. “This is the back of its head,” she said, “and the neck is here.” She drew a line on the screen. “This is the spine and this dark mass is the heart beating ...”

  “Yes! I see it!” Kia squinted at the screen. “She does look like she’s sucking her thumb. Totally weird. We’re actually seeing my baby. This is so cool!”

  Justin took her hand again. After watching the baby’s movements for a minute, Kia glanced at Justin and noticed that the sad
smile from the other night was back on his face. She squeezed his hand. He glanced at her and suddenly the little-boy grin was back where it belonged.

  “Look! She’s waving at us,” Justin said. “Wave back, Kia,” he said, waving at the screen himself. “Wave at your baby.”

  She laughed, but joined him in waving at the dark mass on the screen.

  Yvonne smiled as she removed the paddle from Kia’s abdomen and wiped off the gel.

  “All right, now I really do have to pee,” Kia said. “You better get out of my way, Justin, or there’s no saying what may happen.”

  He stood and backed up against the wall, putting up his hands in self-defense. Yvonne turned on the lights and Kia pulled her gown back down, tugged the sheet out from under it and leapt off the cot.

  “It’s down the hall on your left,” Yvonne called at the retreating figure. She handed Justin a print of the image they’d just seen on the screen. “Your son,” she said. “Or daughter,” she added, laughing at his astonished face.

  week 15/40

  ~ she sucks her thumb

  ~ she’s the size of a softball

  ~ baby empties bladder every 40-45 minutes

  March 5

  A picture is worth a thousand words.

  I’ve seen her. She’s real. This detour is worth every extra

  mile, pitfalls and all!

  I don’t care about baseball or summer camp. I’m busy

  growing a baby. She’s all there. I am creating her. It is

  so amazing.

  And Justin is there with me.

  From: Kia

  To: Justin

  Date: March 7

  Subject: help!

  it happened. i couldn’t zip the zipper on my jeans today. this is going to be so weird. i’ve never been fat. so where is a good used clothing store? mom says she’s not paying for expensive clothes i’ll only wear for 6 months.