Dancing Naked

by Shelley Hrdlitschka

  “Have you seen Shawna?” she asked, breaking into one intimate conversation after another. Heads shook, shoulders shrugged. No one paid much attention.

  “I saw her with Eric awhile ago.” Rochelle looked annoyed at being interrupted. “Maybe they went outside.”

  “Tell her I left,” Kia said. Rochelle nodded vaguely, glanced down at Kia’s stomach, then went back to her conversation.

  They sat in the Hazelwood living room, Reverend Petrenko, Kia’s parents, Kia and Sadie the social worker the Reverend had invited to join them.

  “So when is the baby due, Kia?” Sadie asked after accepting a cup of tea from Kia’s mom.

  “The end of August.” Although she didn’t want to talk to her, Kia liked the friendly look of this woman, with her gray ponytail and softly lined face. She’d told the Reverend she wasn’t ready, but her parents were pressuring him.

  “Just talk to her, Kia,” he’d said. “You’re not committing to anything, but we need to get the ball rolling.”

  “And you’re considering adoption?” Sadie asked.

  Kia glanced at her father. He stared back at her. She nodded, but didn’t meet Sadie’s eyes.

  Sadie regarded her thoughtfully, then reached into her canvas satchel. “I have a binder here I can leave with you to look over. It contains information on couples who want to adopt a baby. You’ll find out about their work, their hobbies and their religious beliefs, if they have any.” She flipped through the pages. “They tell a bit about themselves, their values, and there’s also pictures of them. Make a shortlist of the ones who you think would make the best parents and then I can set up interviews with them. Meeting them in person will give you a much better idea of what they’re like.”

  Kia nodded, but she didn’t reach for the binder.

  “It must be hard for the couples who get interviewed and are not chosen,” Kia’s mom commented. “They would get their hopes up, I guess. But not all of them ...”

  Sadie nodded. “It is hard for them, but I guess it’s like any other game. You know before you start that someone is going to win and everyone else is going to lose. And to get interviewed means you’re one step closer to possibly realizing your dream of having a child. Adopting couples like to meet the birth parents too. It takes some of the mystery out of the process.”

  “What if the birth mom changes her mind at the last minute?” Kia asked. She felt, rather than saw, her father tense.

  “The birth mom does have a few weeks to change her mind.” Sadie sighed. “It’s never easy, Kia, but it does help when you’ve chosen the adoptive parents yourself. At least you know where your child is going. Not knowing is very painful for many mothers.”

  “Birth mothers had to rely on blind faith in the old days,” the Reverend added. “And we all know how hard that can be,” he said, smiling.

  “The father will have to sign the adoption papers too, Kia,” Sadie said. “Is that going to be a problem?”

  She shook her head. “I don’t think so.”

  “Good. I know we’ve still got a few months, but it will go quickly. It takes time to set up interviews, and often you’ll want to meet with couples more than once, so the sooner you get a shortlist to me, the better. Okay?”

  Kia noticed that her hands were resting on her stomach again. She quickly folded her arms across her chest. “Okay.”

  Sadie stood up. “I’m here to help, Kia. And any time you want to chat, about anything, give me a call. My business card is in the front of that binder.”

  “Thanks.”

  “That still goes for me too, Kia,” the Reverend said, rising and placing a hand on her shoulder.

  “I know.”

  Kia stood at the door with her parents and watched the guests leave. Her father turned to her as he shut the door. “You can do this, Kia.”

  She swung around to face him. “Could you have given me up for adoption?”

  “That’s different, Ki,” her mom answered, following her up the stairs and into the living room. “You were planned. We wanted you.”

  “Who’s to say I don’t want this baby?” She plunked herself on the couch and picked up the binder lying on the coffee table.

  “Babies need two parents, Kia, and not just for conception,” her dad said quietly, sitting across the room from her. “They are a lot of work.” He studied her sullen expression. “Your baby is our grandchild, you know,” he added pointedly, “so don’t think this doesn’t affect your mom and me.”

  Kia looked up, surprised.

  “But we really aren’t prepared to raise another child right now,” her mom said, sitting down beside Kia.

  “I know that.”

  “So we think that this grandchild will be better off in a home with a couple who have planned to have a child in their lives.”

  “Lots of kids are raised by single parents,” Kia argued.

  “That’s true,” said her mom. “And many single parents do an admirable job of raising well-adjusted kids. But it isn’t easy. And there’s no time left over for the parent to have a life of their own. We want more than that for you.”

  Kia began flipping through the pages.

  “You’ll be seventeen when this child is born.” Her dad picked up the argument. “You’ll still want to go to college. You’ll want to have a social life. It’s so much harder to do those things when you’re a single parent.”

  “I know.”

  “And financially it’s a real struggle. Social assistance helps, but it won’t maintain the lifestyle you’re used to ...”

  “I know that too,” she said impatiently. She knew it, but she didn’t want to think about it.

  She pretended to become absorbed in one of the adopting parents’ bio sheets, hoping her parents would leave her alone. They did. She heard her dad pick up a book, and her mother went down the hall to her office.

  So, she thought to herself, the main reason her parents didn’t think she should keep the baby was because she was going to be a single parent. If she had a partner, someone to raise the baby with ...

  Her heart skipped a beat. She knew just the person to do the job, someone as attached to the baby as she was. Would he be willing?

  They flipped through the binder pages together after prenatal class, in their usual booth at the coffee shop.

  “This guy looks like a Hell’s Angel,” Kia commented. “Who’d pick him for a father?”

  “A motorcycle momma,” Justin said.

  Kia turned the page. “Very funny.”

  “Look at this one.” Justin put his finger on a page. “She doesn’t look any older than you.”

  “Well, she is,” Kia said, reading the statistics. “Quite a bit, actually.”

  “Must be an old picture.”

  “Must be.” Kia snapped the binder shut. “Do you think I’m too young to be a good parent?”

  Justin paused, choosing his words carefully. He turned so he was facing her. “I think you’ll be a great parent at any age, Kia. That’s not really the problem.”

  “And what do you think the problem is?”

  Justin sighed. “Why don’t you tell me what you think the problem is?”

  “My parents,” she said. “And they think the problem is that I’d be a single parent.”

  “I agree. That is a problem.”

  Kia folded her arms across her chest. “Why?” “Because there’s so much you need to do before you start raising kids.”

  “Like what?”

  “Like finish growing up. Like having a career. Like having fun. And,” he smiled, “like falling in love.”

  She took a deep breath. “I think I am falling in love.” She looked him right in the eye.

  He continued to smile. “Well, that’s good news.” He tilted his head. “Who’s the lucky guy?”

  She kept looking directly at him.

  The silence between them filled with understanding.

  “You mean the baby, don’t you, Ki?” His eyes narrowed, and he spo
ke firmly, almost roughly. “You’re falling in love with the baby.”

  His words were like a kick to the stomach. Kia nodded and looked away. “Yeah, that’s what I mean,” she said, swallowing hard.

  “Because,” he whispered, “if you mean anything else, don’t go there, Kia.” He reached over and took her hand between his. “Please.”

  She nodded, but she could no longer look him in the eye. She pulled her hand away and finished her hot chocolate. Then she glanced at her watch. “I have to go.”

  “Okay,” Justin said. But he didn’t move to let her out of the booth.

  Finally, she looked him in the eye again.

  “I cherish our friendship, Kia. It means a lot to me.”

  She nodded but looked down again, her hair falling over her face.

  “There’s stuff you don’t know, Kia, but please, don’t shut me out.”

  “It’s just that ...”

  “Shh. Don’t do this.” He reached over and tucked her hair behind her ear so he could see her face. Then he put his hand under her chin, lifting it so she had to face him. “I’ve had ...” He paused, searching for the right word. “Fantasies too. I want to be a father. But it’s not going to happen.”

  “Why not? Why couldn’t we raise the baby together?” she asked, hating the desperation in her voice. “You said partner means all different kinds of things. Couldn’t we keep on being partners, just like in prenatal class?”

  Justin just shook his head.

  “Why not?”

  “For a million reasons.” He dropped his hand. “But we’re in this together, and we’re going to find the best possible parents for her.”

  “I thought you were on my side.”

  “There are no sides, Kia. Just choices.”

  week 18/40

  ~ girl baby’s ovaries now contain primitive egg cells

  ~ permanent teeth buds are forming behind the already

  formed milk teeth buds

  ~ pads of the fingers and toes are formed and the

  fingerprints are developing

  ~ size of a honeydew melon

  Mar. 24

  There are so sides. Me against everyone else.

  Why did I say anything? Now that I’ve said it I can

  never go back. It changes everything.

  Dear Peanut,

  I haven’t felt you move yet, but I know you’re there and I luv you. It’s so easy for everyone else to tell me I have to give you up – you are not a part of them. But you are as much a part of me as my own heart is. There is no one to talk to anymore. I thought Justin understood. I thought we had the same feelings for each other.

  I thought wrong. I’m so stupid.

  “Why’d you leave the party early?” Shawna asked. They were sitting across from one another at a table in the cafeteria.

  “Derek showed up.”

  “Yeah. So? You go to the same school. You’re gonna run into each other.”

  Kia bit into her apple. She considered telling Shawna what had happened between her and Derek, but decided against it. “I wasn’t having much fun.”

  “Oh.”

  “I’m feeling kinda fat and frumpy.”

  Shawna nodded.

  Rochelle sat down beside Kia. “Well?” she asked Shawna.

  Shawna smiled. “You guess.”

  “Did he ask you?”

  “Maybe,” Shawna teased.

  Kia frowned. Had she missed something here?

  “Tell me!” Rochelle demanded

  “Why should I?”

  “Shawna!”

  Before Kia could ask what it was they were talking about, the table began filling up with the others from their group. It was Tuesday, but the conversation was still focused on Jared’s party—who was and wasn’t there, who danced together, who left with who. Kia found she didn’t really care. Her mind drifted off ...

  “Are you going, Ki?”

  “Huh?” Kia glanced up and was surprised to see Chris, from Youth Group, standing at the end of their table.

  “Are you going?” he repeated. He was smiling down at her, his brown eyes soft. “To Tara’s.”

  “To Tara’s?”

  “Yeah. Her cabin. For the ski weekend.”

  “The ski weekend?” Kia shook her head. She couldn’t seem to follow any conversation today.

  “Yeah. Although there won’t be much skiing going on!” His eyes shone.

  Kia looked puzzled. A hush fell over the table.

  “I guess not,” she said quietly. “I wasn’t invited.” She looked around, but nobody would meet her eyes. She shrugged. “I’m not much of a partier these days anyway.” She climbed off the bench, acutely aware of her awkwardness, collected her lunch containers and walked away. She felt Shawna at her side a moment later.

  “She just hasn’t got around to asking you.”

  Kia kept walking. “Do you really believe that?”

  “Yeah. She will.”

  “Maybe. Or maybe I make her uncomfortable.”

  “What do you mean?”

  They had arrived at Kia’s locker. She began to wind the dial on her lock.

  “I mean she’s glad it’s me and not her.”

  “Huh?”

  Kia spun around to confront Shawna. “Tara’s been sleeping around for ages! She’s lucked out, I’d say. She’s never gotten pregnant.”

  Shawna picked at one of her nails.

  “Okay, maybe she has,” Kia continued, understanding from Shawna’s expression how mistaken she’d been. “But looking at me is a reminder of ... of the abortion, I guess. Or abortions?” she asked.

  Shawna didn’t answer.

  “I thought you and I told each other everything,” Kia said softly.

  “I was sworn to secrecy.” Shawna looked up and pleaded with Kia. “I didn’t know either, until just a few days ago. It came out when everyone was talking about you and...”

  “What were they saying?”

  Shawna shrugged. “They were just wondering why you hadn’t had an abortion. That’s when Tara told us about hers.”

  “Where was I when all this talking was going on?”

  Shawna looked down the hall. “It was a sort of impromptu sleepover, at Rochelle’s. After Jared’s party.”

  “Sort of impromptu?”

  The bell rang, signaling the start of afternoon classes, but neither Kia nor Shawna moved.

  “Miss Jaswal warned me about this,” Kia said finally.

  “About what?”

  “Nothing.” Kia pulled her books out of her locker. “You better get going, Shawn, or you’ll be late.”

  Shawna nodded but stayed put. “Maybe you’re right, Kia. Maybe you do make some people feel a little uncomfortable right now. But they’ll get over it once ...”

  Kia slammed her locker shut, turned and faced Shawna. “Once what?”

  “You know what I mean.”

  “Yeah.” Kia began walking to her next class. “They’ll get over it,” she said, glancing back at Shawna. “But will I?”

  From: Justin

  To: Kia

  Date: March 28

  Subject: T.O.Y.

  hi ki & peanut,

  i missed going to prenatal class last night! how soon before the 2nd set starts up?

  y don’t we get together and go through that binder again? we could make mon. nights our get-together night, even if prenatal is over.

  hugs, uncle J

  From: Justin

  To: Kia

  Date: March 29

  Subject: Still T.O.Y.

  hi again kia,

  whatcha doing? did you get my last e-mail?

  From: Justin

  To: Kia

  Date: March 30

  Subject: and STILL T.O.Y.

  ok kia, no one skips out of youth group without paying the price! chris says you’ve been at school so I kn
ow you didn’t get hit by a truck or anything. if i don’t hear from you soon, i’m going to come over and break your door down!

  :-) uncle J.

  “I’m glad you could meet me here, Kia,” Sadie said. They were walking along a trail in a park near Kia’s house. “There was such a crowd at our first meeting that we couldn’t really talk. But I sensed you’re not overly excited about placing your baby for adoption.”

  “You got that right.”

  “Your mom and dad don’t think you have any other choice, though, right?”

  “Right again.”

  They walked in silence for a few minutes. Finally Sadie spoke again. “Have you spent much time with babies, Kia?”

  “I was seven when my little sister was born. And,” she added, “I play with the babies at her daycare.” Although, she thought, the experience of hearing them all cry the other day had been a bit of a shock, but she wasn’t going to tell Sadie that.

  “Having a little sister and seeing babies at a daycare are quite different experiences than having your own baby,” Sadie said. “It’s not my job to try to talk you out of keeping it, but I’m wondering if you’re willing to try an experiment. It’s kind of a game, really.”

  “What is it?”

  “I brought a baby for you to take care of for a week.”

  Kia glanced at Sadie, puzzled.

  “Really, I did. Why don’t you wait on that bench over there, by the pond? I’ll go back to my car and get her.”

  “You left a baby in the car?”

  Sadie smiled. “You’ll see. I’ll be right back.”

  Kia sat down and watched Sadie walk away. The reflection of the sunlight on the pond was dazzling, and Kia closed her eyes, enjoying the first truly spring-like day of the season. For a moment she forgot about Justin’s rejection, adoptive parents and fair-weather friends ...

  “Honk.”

  Kia’s eyes blinked open. A Canada goose was standing a few feet away, its head tilted, jet-black eyes studying her.